The obsession of being the OW.......

[serial muse]

OK perhaps I should have explained better what I meant: I meant that the OP seemed to be in a space where she (felt she) was doing all the giving, and was drained, with little left in the line of resources. So I qualified that by saying, if she felt it were appropriate in her situation. She may well feel (and ISL2 I don't want to speak for you on this, I'm merely explaining my own thought patterns here) that since she's been doing all the giving, expecting yet more giving in the form of empathy is an ask too much, given how depleted she's feeling. My point was that by releasing that negative energy, she'd free up some resources which she could redeploy elsewhere - whether towards herself, or empathy outward, or both. But because empathy needs to be freely given it can't be exacted under duress, so until ISL2 is feeling in a better space she won't really be able to flick the empathy switch.

 

Well...again, I feel like I'm being argumentative, and I'm really not trying to be. But the thing is (sorry to talk about you in the third person, ISL2), I just don't see that she's doing all the giving, exactly. Or at least, that's not what I got from this post. It wasn't really about how much energy she devotes to her MM - it was about how much energy she devotes to his wife (who also is the first person she addresses in the OP).

 

See, I know she feels emotionally drained, but like I said - that's not exactly the same thing as being giving and selfless to other people. Instead, she's just consuming herself. Her post, when I read it, sounded more like she was consistently regenerating negative energy toward his wife within herself, which is an exhausting sort of thing to do. It may feel like she's somehow supporting her man by doing that - he tells her the wife's a witch, and she agrees with him and then some - but ultimately, she's just bringing herself more pain. (While it doesn't really hurt the wife much at all.) Which was kind of what I was trying to say at the outset.

 

Okay, in this post I sound very new-agey and maybe I'm not expressing myself clearly. But hey, I know what I mean.

 

Believe me, I know it's difficult to be empathetic when you're pissed off (even if you're the one pissing yourself off!). How well I know that! But it's not impossible to at least hold onto a basic truth: nobody's all bad and nobody's all good. Even in the midst of one's pain, it's possible to acknowledge this, if only to yourself. And I just don't think you need to be in any particular place to remember that.

 

(Sorry SM, will try to not agree with you again pervertedly or otherwise!)

 

Right, see that it doesn't happen again!!

[herenow]

+1.

 

If only others are like HN.

 

**wishful thinking**

 

The thing is, when I first came here, I was very bitter and angry. Not at the OW, but at the whole situation. My life was falling apart and I was doing my best to fix it.

 

Time has healed those wounds and I'm no longer angry and bitter. I have put together a better life and can look back to see that letting out that anger was necessary for me to move on. When you see anger in a post, it helps to understand where that person is in their life and why they feel the way they do.

[GreenEyedLady]

I've read through this entire thread and over half of them I find really sad. It's just more of the same. BS vs. OW.

 

Will we ever be able to transcend our acronyms and actually help the OP?

 

OP:

 

Do you really believe what you wrote in your original post? Do you believe that everything is really that slanted? There is always the 1 in 1 million chance that it is just as you wrote. Even if it is, he is choosing to stay there. He is choosing to be with her, for whatever reason.

 

You are not just the "other woman." You are more than that. I do not know you but I can see the deep sadness beyond your anger. I'm sure that you are just as angry at yourself and your lover as you are at the W.

 

She has done nothing to you. He is the one "doing it" and you are allowing it. Don't displace your anger or you will not be able to learn from it. You can be made strong and whole again. Do not despair and fall into hatred. It will only eat away at you more and more.

 

What is keeping you from realizing your goals? That should be your focus. The focus should never be on a man. You were someone before he came along and you will be someone when it is over. You choose the someone you will be.

 

Never kid yourself about reality. Denial isn't pretty on either side.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

GEL

[Curmudgeon]

I've read through this entire thread and over half of them I find really sad. It's just more of the same. BS vs. OW.

 

Will we ever be able to transcend our acronyms and actually help the OP?

 

OP:

 

Do you really believe what you wrote in your original post? Do you believe that everything is really that slanted? There is always the 1 in 1 million chance that it is just as you wrote. Even if it is, he is choosing to stay there. He is choosing to be with her, for whatever reason.

 

You are not just the "other woman." You are more than that. I do not know you but I can see the deep sadness beyond your anger. I'm sure that you are just as angry at yourself and your lover as you are at the W.

 

She has done nothing to you. He is the one "doing it" and you are allowing it. Don't displace your anger or you will not be able to learn from it. You can be made strong and whole again. Do not despair and fall into hatred. It will only eat away at you more and more.

 

What is keeping you from realizing your goals? That should be your focus. The focus should never be on a man. You were someone before he came along and you will be someone when it is over. You choose the someone you will be.

 

Never kid yourself about reality. Denial isn't pretty on either side.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

GEL

 

That's all!

[porter218]

Well I have that, and I didn't get from cheating with anyone and we are married. There are guys out there that provide it...I'm living proof, I know of others....though rare, true.

I don't think it is that rare. I have it too, with my H. I have never settled for anything less then that type of relationship. But I like adding commitment to all those other things that Lizzie listed.