The obsession of being the OW.......

[herenow]

Since this is the category I fit into, this will be the one I address.

 

#1 - I don't hate you. That would be wasted energy. I don't even know you and you don't know me.

 

#2 - You didn't ruin my family, you don't have that kind of power.

 

#3 - You are the one that was there and willing to have sex with a MM that felt "empty inside".

 

#4 - When my H was with you, he was far from what he "wanted" to be as a man, as a human, or any other label you want to place on him.

 

#5 - If you did love him, I'm sorry that your love was wasted on a man who, at the time, didn't really care a whole lot about either of us.

 

I forgot one. I blame my H first and foremost and he takes 100% responsibility for his actions.

[Curmudgeon]

Good luck with this!

[Lizzie60]

See, this sounds nice.. it really does. And every woman is entitled to have a man make her feel this way.

 

But why can't it be a man that's single, and you don't have to share him with anyone??

 

Why does he have to be married?

 

The line before last explains it all:

 

It is way more fun.. it is passionate without the commitment, etc...

 

I prefer someone who will not 'cling' or want a commitment.. it is safe with a MM.. he doesn't want any commitment.. (mine don't.. and it's a prerequisite)...

[serial muse]

To the MW ---- I am the OW, I am the one that you put blame on.... I am the one that you hate.... I am the one that "ruined your family".... I am the one that your H ran too when he felt "empty inside".... I am the one that let your H be who he wanted to be (not the garbage man, the wage earner, the lawn mower, the door mat).... I am the one that takes responsibility for MY actions ..... I am the one that LOVES him too

 

It's a shame that you believe her feelings are so black-and-white and that she's merely a user, assuming you really believe what you wrote here. (I understand that it's a rant, but clearly you believe at least a large chunk of what you said.)

 

Perhaps not everyone will see this as useful advice, which is as we know the sine qua non of this forum, but to my mind, it is: if you are feeling such emptiness, maybe you should take some time and turn your emotional energy for a bit to try to reframe the situation.

 

Because, frankly, I don't think it helps you at all to view either him or his wife in this stark, hero/villain sort of way. Deep down, if you allow yourself to think about it, you might suspect what he says - does she, in fact, treat him so badly, as he says? Has he always been kind and loving to her (until the affair, that is)? Could it be that she does in fact love him but he's downplaying it for reasons of his own? What, in fact, don't I know about their life?

 

I honestly don't know your situation, and none of those things may be true. I certainly have seen OW on here claim that the wife is the devil incarnate, and perhaps she is, in assorted cases. But I think the knee-jerk assumption ought to be that she's a human being, just like you, she has expectations of her SO, just like you, and she's hurting, just like you. You may realize that you have much in common, and she's not such a witch. Or you may not.

 

But - and this is just my opinion, now - allowing yourself that human empathy and insight is the way to fill up the emptiness you’re feeling. Because he can’t do that for you – very likely he’s too preoccupied with his own emptiness. But raging at someone who’s done you no harm isn’t going to make you happier, and will only add to your feelings of despair. It's disempowering. You're waiting for him (the quasi-hero) to act, and you've cast her as the bad guy who runs his life. But, see - that leaves you no power. What are you going to do?

[herenow]

To the MW ---- I am the OW, I am the one that you put blame on.... I am the one that you hate.... I am the one that "ruined your family".... I am the one that your H ran too when he felt "empty inside".... I am the one that let your H be who he wanted to be (not the garbage man, the wage earner, the lawn mower, the door mat).... I am the one that takes responsibility for MY actions ..... I am the one that LOVES him too

 

To the MM ---- I am the one you find yourself desiring...... I am the one you find yourself confiding in..... I am the one you share your time with .... I am the one you laugh with .... I am the one you cuddle with ..... I am the one that brings you happiness (at least temporarily)..... I am the one that worries about you..... I am the one that cries over you.... I am the one that LOVES you

 

To BOTH the MM & MW ---- I find myself as being the one that is doing it all. I am so caught up in LOVE that I have lost myself.... If I am all these things than why do I not feel whole.... why do I feel so empty inside.... why do I feel so lost .....Because I Am The OW !!!

 

I didn't have the time earlier, but it's only fair that I, in return, write to you the OW:

 

I am the one he came home to after secretly seeing you...I am the one he had sex with in his own bed while he was secretly seeing you...I am the one that had no idea you existed (yet you knew I existed)...I am the one that could tell the world I love him while you were a secret...I am the one at home with his kids while he was secretly with you...I am the one worrying about him while he was secretly with you...I am the one he shared time at home and on vacation with while he was secretly seeing you...I am the one he cuddled at home with while he was secretly seeing you...I am the one he laughed and had fun with in public while he was secretly seeing you...I am the one he fought and changed for when he was given the chance to openly be with you.

[whichwayisup]

To the MW ---- I am the OW, I am the one that you put blame on.... I am the one that you hate.... I am the one that "ruined your family".... I am the one that your H ran too when he felt "empty inside".... I am the one that let your H be who he wanted to be (not the garbage man, the wage earner, the lawn mower, the door mat).... I am the one that takes responsibility for MY actions ..... I am the one that LOVES him too

 

Is he still married and with his wife? Is he in the process of getting a divorce? Or has she forgiven him? Do they have children to consider in all this?

 

To the MM ---- I am the one you find yourself desiring...... I am the one you find yourself confiding in..... I am the one you share your time with .... I am the one you laugh with .... I am the one you cuddle with ..... I am the one that brings you happiness (at least temporarily)..... I am the one that worries about you..... I am the one that cries over you.... I am the one that LOVES you

 

All this is great but unless he is planning on really leaving and divorcing, everything you feel right now for him will only bring you alot of pain because he isn't "yours" in the sense of being free and single, available to give his "all" to you..

 

To BOTH the MM & MW ---- I find myself as being the one that is doing it all. I am so caught up in LOVE that I have lost myself.... If I am all these things than why do I not feel whole.... why do I feel so empty inside.... why do I feel so lost .....Because I Am The OW !!!

 

I hope you seek some counselling to find "you" again. You feel lost and empty because all that you share with him is on his time frame, because he is married. He can't give you 100%. You deserve much more from him and he can't give that to you (unless he divorces) right now. The choice is yours - End it and tell him to contact you when he's finally free (with proof of the D, papers signed) or continue to be the OW in his life. I hope you choose the 1st though - No man, not even the one you love, is worth losing yourself over...

[herenow]

A question for the OW:

 

Why do you think the BW cares so much about you? Why do you think the BW puts so much energy into blaming and hating you. FYI, most BW focus on what they want and not so much about the OW. Maybe on d-day, the BW feels anger towards the OW, but in most cases that is quickly replaced with a "what to do now" feeling.

 

Why do some OW feel that they are so significant in the BW's life? We didn't marry you, so we really don't have much to do with you.

[Ariadne]

To the MW ---- I am the OW, I am the one that you put blame on.... I am the one that you hate.... I am the one that "ruined your family".... I am the one that your H ran too when he felt "empty inside".... I am the one that let your H be who he wanted to be (not the garbage man, the wage earner, the lawn mower, the door mat).... I am the one that takes responsibility for MY actions ..... I am the one that LOVES him too

 

To the MM ---- I am the one you find yourself desiring...... I am the one you find yourself confiding in..... I am the one you share your time with .... I am the one you laugh with .... I am the one you cuddle with ..... I am the one that brings you happiness (at least temporarily)..... I am the one that worries about you..... I am the one that cries over you.... I am the one that LOVES you

 

To BOTH the MM & MW ---- I find myself as being the one that is doing it all. I am so caught up in LOVE that I have lost myself.... If I am all these things than why do I not feel whole.... why do I feel so empty inside.... why do I feel so lost .....Because I Am The OW !!!

 

You wish.

 

You barely saw a MM for a couple months and he already doesn't want anything to do with you.

[Curmudgeon]

fwiw there are plenty of boards available to the BS and HM without there being a need to come onto this one for the sole purpose of berating the OW/OM

 

BSs and HMs coming here is no deifferent than OWs posting on the marriage board, or even the divorce board for that matter. It's not going to stop.

[Lookingforward]

BSs and HMs coming here is no deifferent than OWs posting on the marriage board, or even the divorce board for that matter. It's not going to stop.

 

 

For the most part the opposing points of view and opinions and advice are useful, whether they sit well or not, but as I said - for the sole purpose of venting on OWs..........

[2sunny]

as a BW - for what it's worth - i never gave the OW any thought.

 

for the OW to assume that any mental energy is expended on her is absurd in my case.

 

not all BS react exactly the same... please don't presume that we do...

[herenow]

as a BW - for what it's worth - i never gave the OW any thought.

 

for the OW to assume that any mental energy is expended on her is absurd in my case.

 

not all BS react exactly the same... please don't presume that we do...

 

I think most BW are like us.

[Lookingforward]

as a BW - for what it's worth - i never gave the OW any thought.

 

for the OW to assume that any mental energy is expended on her is absurd in my case.

 

not all BS react exactly the same... please don't presume that we do...

 

but it is the way Isave feels and it is her right to post her feelings on this board, whether that view is shared by BSes or not.... whether you feel it is absurd or not really doesn't enter into it.

[herenow]

but it is the way Isave feels and it is her right to post her feelings on this board, whether that view is shared by BSes or not.... whether you feel it is absurd or not really doesn't enter into it.

 

She said it was absurd in her case. Of course Isave can say anything she feels, that is what this forum is for, isn't it?

 

Sorry 2sunny didn't mean to step on you.

[Curmudgeon]

And as a BH, I never gave the OM any thought. If I had I'd likely have sent him a thank you card.

 

As 2Sunny makes clear, some people just aren't worth the time of day.

 

Just as not all OWs are "escorts," and I'm being kind, neither are all BSs bitter towards them.

[Event Horizon]

You wish.

 

You barely saw a MM for a couple months and he already doesn't want anything to do with you.

Well you're certainly an expert with this.

 

Not the going out part, just the him not wanting anything to do with you part.

 

E..H

[Lookingforward]

You wish.

 

You barely saw a MM for a couple months and he already doesn't want anything to do with you.

 

wow Ariadne - just wow (you don't own a mirror, huh?)

[OWoman]

I think most BW are like us.

 

I wish, HN.

 

I think if more BW were like you, the planet would be a very different place.

[OWoman]

A question for the OW:

 

Why do you think the BW cares so much about you? Why do you think the BW puts so much energy into blaming and hating you. FYI, most BW focus on what they want and not so much about the OW. Maybe on d-day, the BW feels anger towards the OW, but in most cases that is quickly replaced with a "what to do now" feeling.

 

Why do some OW feel that they are so significant in the BW's life? We didn't marry you, so we really don't have much to do with you.

 

I don't think my MM's BW cares remotely about me, since she still doesn't believe I exist...

 

I'm really not sure what she'll do when she comes face to face with me - which is inevitable soon - and I don't imagine it will be pleasant, though.

[OWoman]

But - and this is just my opinion, now - allowing yourself that human empathy and insight is the way to fill up the emptiness you’re feeling. Because he can’t do that for you – very likely he’s too preoccupied with his own emptiness. But raging at someone who’s done you no harm isn’t going to make you happier, and will only add to your feelings of despair. It's disempowering. You're waiting for him (the quasi-hero) to act, and you've cast her as the bad guy who runs his life. But, see - that leaves you no power. What are you going to do?

 

In some perverted way I agree with SM - not necessarily that you should empathise with the BW, which may or may not be appropriate in your situation - but that the negative energy you are investing in this is not doing you much good, ISL2, if it leaves you with such emptiness.

 

The disempowerment SM speaks of is exactly what leads to depression - you need to seize back some power and use that energy positively, one way or another. If you want to direct it as empathy to the BW, go ahead, but you might equally want to direct it as empathy towards yourself. What you've described is a very one-sided R where you're doing all the giving all round, and not getting a whole lot in return. And then still beating yourself up over it. My reading is... you're in that situation because you don't believe you warrant more, so you're not out there demanding or getting more.

 

If a R is not working on your terms, in your favour (be it M, A or any other kind of R) and you're feeling empty and unhappy as a result - change it or leave it! Put yourself first for a change, instead of other people all the time.

[bentnotbroken]

I wish, HN.

 

I think if more BW were like you, the planet would be a very different place.

 

 

Sometimes the ow won't let the BW be like HN. They won't go away. They won't just take the PRIZE:sick: and move on.

[Lyssa]

I wish, HN.

 

I think if more BW were like you, the planet would be a very different place.

 

+1.

 

If only others are like HN.

 

**wishful thinking**

[serial muse]

In some perverted way I agree with SM

 

 

Well! I think I resent this.

*stomps foot*

 

- not necessarily that you should empathise with the BW, which may or may not be appropriate in your situation - but that the negative energy you are investing in this is not doing you much good, ISL2, if it leaves you with such emptiness.

 

The disempowerment SM speaks of is exactly what leads to depression - you need to seize back some power and use that energy positively, one way or another. If you want to direct it as empathy to the BW, go ahead, but you might equally want to direct it as empathy towards yourself. What you've described is a very one-sided R where you're doing all the giving all round, and not getting a whole lot in return. And then still beating yourself up over it. My reading is... you're in that situation because you don't believe you warrant more, so you're not out there demanding or getting more.

 

If a R is not working on your terms, in your favour (be it M, A or any other kind of R) and you're feeling empty and unhappy as a result - change it or leave it! Put yourself first for a change, instead of other people all the time.

 

I suppose I think it's always appropriate to apply empathy, and I truly wish there were more of it on these boards. And yes, I mean from both sides. But, wishful thinking. I do remember that when I was in pain it was difficult if not impossible to want to see things from her point of view, let alone his. But remembering that the other parties involved are just people - that no one's all bad or all good - is a very useful thing. And yes, I think it is a part of the key to self-empowerment. Because it serves to remind yourself that you are also neither all good nor all bad, not trapped except in your own mind, and not dependent on anyone. And it also promotes kindness, which the world could use more of.

 

I want to add, though - and I don't mean to upset the OP here - but I don't think she's putting others first, per se. I think she's taking a passive-aggressive stance, by waiting for others to act, and it's making her miserable. But that's not the same as putting others first emotionally; the OP is clearly aware of and focused on her own emotional needs and is just uncertain of exactly how to make herself feel better in this situation.

[Lyssa]

I suppose I think it's always appropriate to apply empathy, and I truly wish there were more of it on these boards. And yes, I mean from both sides. But, wishful thinking. I do remember that when I was in pain it was difficult if not impossible to want to see things from her point of view, let alone his. But remembering that the other parties involved are just people - that no one's all bad or all good - is a very useful thing. And yes, I think it is a part of the key to self-empowerment. Because it serves to remind yourself that you are also neither all good nor all bad, not trapped except in your own mind, and not dependent on anyone. And it also promotes kindness, which the world could use more of.

 

Thanks for saying that, SM. It is always appropriate, yes but as we all know - wishful thinking!

 

I want to add, though - and I don't mean to upset the OP here - but I don't think she's putting others first, per se. I think she's taking a passive-aggressive stance, by waiting for others to act, and it's making her miserable. But that's not the same as putting others first emotionally; the OP is clearly aware of and focused on her own emotional needs and is just uncertain of exactly how to make herself feel better in this situation.

 

Yup - nicely said!

[OWoman]

I suppose I think it's always appropriate to apply empathy

 

OK perhaps I should have explained better what I meant: I meant that the OP seemed to be in a space where she (felt she) was doing all the giving, and was drained, with little left in the line of resources. So I qualified that by saying, if she felt it were appropriate in her situation. She may well feel (and ISL2 I don't want to speak for you on this, I'm merely explaining my own thought patterns here) that since she's been doing all the giving, expecting yet more giving in the form of empathy is an ask too much, given how depleted she's feeling. My point was that by releasing that negative energy, she'd free up some resources which she could redeploy elsewhere - whether towards herself, or empathy outward, or both. But because empathy needs to be freely given it can't be exacted under duress, so until ISL2 is feeling in a better space she won't really be able to flick the empathy switch.

 

(Sorry SM, will try to not agree with you again pervertedly or otherwise!)