How to start from scratch in 12 mo separation ?

[Owl]

If there were any indications that she showed any kind of positive response to SD's professions of love...I'd suggest he do what TIY suggests. If she demonstrated any kind of need or desire for affection from him, I'd agree that it might simply be a matter of volume.

 

But that's simply not what we're seeing here...at all.

 

What he's doing is driving her away, not drawing her in. Doing MORE of it will put the final nails in the coffin.

[TrustInYourself]

Overwhelming her will can come off as manipulating and false.

 

A glass of water slakes a thirst but the ocean just drowns you.

 

Consider what Owl says!

 

Hell with that. Drown her. Watch her reaction if you have any doubt her feelings are not mutual or that satisfying her emotional needs are fruitless.

 

I know this is really zen, but no matter what you do, happiness can be achieved. We need very little in this world to be happy. That is a matter of perspective.

 

If SingleDad wants to use his approach, I highly suggest he intensify his efforts.

 

If you fear change, you fear life. Stop being scared.

[TrustInYourself]

If there were any indications that she showed any kind of positive response to SD's professions of love...I'd suggest he do what TIY suggests. If she demonstrated any kind of need or desire for affection from him, I'd agree that it might simply be a matter of volume.

 

But that's simply not what we're seeing here...at all.

 

What he's doing is driving her away, not drawing her in. Doing MORE of it will put the final nails in the coffin.

 

Exactly. What's wrong with nails in the coffin if it leads to closure, understanding, peace, and ultimately happiness through acceptance.

[Owl]

If you're suggesting that he'll be happier by himself...well...your tactic will almost certainly get him there faster.

[TrustInYourself]

Maybe he would be happier by himself. I'm just saying the only way he's going to get closure is if he gives it to himself.

 

We can't deny who we are or the way we feel forever.

[badbrit]

No, I don't agree. You want to be happy? Really lay it on her.

 

Go over there on a daily basis with flowers and cards. Call her at work and profess your love. Offer to watch your daughter so she can go out. When you don't have your daughter around, go through all your pictures and videos of when you were together. Show her the pictures and videos. Prove to her that this decision was a mistake. Write long letters showing in detail how you can work things out.

 

Whatever you do, don't respect her space. Chase her and fulfill her emotional needs at any chance you can get. If she resists, disregard her chatter. Scream louder if she starts screaming. Demand love and expect results.

 

I don't think it's a matter of tactics, it's just a matter of doing more. Let me know how it goes.

 

 

That is the single worse post I have ever read on the seven forums i regularly read. It is so wrong on so many levels that I would not know where to begin.

 

It is not just wrong, it is actually pretty scary if you really think that would work. Damn man I actually thought you knew a thing or two. You really need to read what I suggested before the wife moves back or it will not last a week

[TrustInYourself]

That is the single worse post I have ever read on the seven forums i regularly read. It is so wrong on so many levels that I would not know where to begin.

 

It is not just wrong, it is actually pretty scary if you really think that would work. Damn man I actually thought you knew a thing or two. You really need to read what I suggested before the wife moves back or it will not last a week

 

 

I want what's best for SD. I'm not here to get his wife back. Maybe she doesn't deserve him.

[Billy Bob]

TIY, It was obvious you were kidding, but in reality that seems to be a good summation of how SD is approaching his problem.

[TrustInYourself]

TIY, It was obvious you were kidding, but in reality that seems to be a good summation of how SD is approaching his problem.

 

Exactly. If he wants to use his tactics without regard to what really works. He should go all out.

 

His concept of reality needs to be shattered into a million pieces.

[badbrit]

Exactly. If he wants to use his tactics without regard to what really works. He should go all out.

 

His concept of reality needs to be shattered into a million pieces.

 

 

I hoped you were being sarky, it just sounded too serious

 

I can breathe now lol

[SingleDad]

All - I've been out of town for a few days in NYC. Lots of discussion on this thread while I was out.

 

I think you all have my communications with my W all wrong. I am in no way stalking my wife, I am not begging her to come home, I am not calling repeatedly, I am not making unannounced visits. So I am not doing what TIY suggested (I know that was an overstatement)- I know she would deem that stalking and she would despise me.

 

The only reason I sent a flower bouquet and a card was for our anniversary - that is the only time I sent her anything to her new home since we have been separated. I did tell her yesterday that "I am doing everything I can to improve my self, to be the best father I can be, and hopefully if you let me be a much better husband to you than I was before". Her only response was "why couldn't you do that while we were married". That was only the second time I had talked about our relationship in the 2 months that we have been separated.

 

PelicanPreacher - you had a strongly worded post. My "manipulative demeanor and headstrong manner", though has some underlying truth in it, I believe is overstated. Most of my thoughts are expressed on this forum and not to my W.

 

I am not trying to play games with my W... I am not trying to manipulate her... Most of the time I am merely focusing on my time with my daughter and doing lots of reading to maintain some hope to keep my head up.

 

Though It is hard to simply live my life and pretend that I don't want my W and family back.

 

I am just trying to do the right thing - and do what is in my heart... and once in a while let my W know what is in my heart and how I feel (without it being controlling or manipulative)

 

All of these tactics and strategies suggested on this forum are instead themselves playing games - why is it so wrong to follow my heart ?

 

Part of me wants to just, say F*ck it and just go to match.com and start a new life with someone else - i.e. take the easy way out.

 

Or maybe stop posting altogether...

[Owl]

My friend...this is all up to you.

 

You came here asking for advice.

 

You got it.

 

If you feel its playing games...don't take it. No one here has a vested interest in your situation one way or another. Whether or not you end up married or divorced will affect my life in no way whatsoever...my advice to you was given solely to help you work towards the goal you outlined. If you get there, great. If you chose to follow your own path, great.

 

Good luck to you. Let us know how this all works out.

[Owl]

Actually, I wanted to add one more thing.

 

Before you opt to stop posting or make whatever choice you make...do what I suggested to your previously...go back and reread your own thread.

 

Open a word doc...copy and paste into it what you described of each of your interations with you your wife. Pull out your action. Then, next to it, paste her REACTION.

 

Do it for all the interactions you've listed in your thread.

 

Then reread that document...and you tell us what you see.

[TrustInYourself]

How was NYC?

[SingleDad]

Owl - I just want to follow my own heart and act accordingly - that is all.

 

I have learned a lot about myself and my W.

 

I know that I cannot win my wife back with a barrage of "I love you", cards, gifts, begging or pleading. I do not know if it is possible to get her back no matter what I do or do not do.

 

I also know that NC or LC will not do it either.

 

I do not need a word document to paste my action with her reaction - I know that nothing helps, only hurts.

 

But I also know that walking away and forgetting about her will not bring my W back either.

 

I think I just need to move on. and what ever happens, happens.

 

It is just hard thinking that I will be alone and have my daughter only 1/2 the time.

 

There are two attractive women on match.com with their own daughters. One is 29 with a 9 month old and no father around. Another is 37 with a 4 years old daughter and divorced. I hate to think of my marriage as simply a break-up like high school and start dating someone else. That is so shallow and uncommitted - marriage was never intended to be this way.

[TrustInYourself]

Owl - I just want to follow my own heart and act accordingly - that is all.

 

I have learned a lot about myself and my W.

 

I know that I cannot win my wife back with a barrage of "I love you", cards, gifts, begging or pleading. I do not know if it is possible to get her back no matter what I do or do not do.

 

I also know that NC or LC will not do it either.

 

I do not need a word document to paste my action with her reaction - I know that nothing helps, only hurts.

 

But I also know that walking away and forgetting about her will not bring my W back either.

 

I think I just need to move on. and what ever happens, happens.

 

It is just hard thinking that I will be alone and have my daughter only 1/2 the time.

 

There are two attractive women on match.com with their own daughters. One is 29 with a 9 month old and no father around. Another is 37 with a 4 years old daughter and divorced. I hate to think of my marriage as simply a break-up like high school and start dating someone else. That is so shallow and uncommitted - marriage was never intended to be this way.

 

Actually it might. She knows how you feel. Let her miss you.

[SingleDad]

TIY - I do not think it will. She was not conflicted like your W and Maladjusted's W.

 

My W wants out - that's it. And now she has what she wants. She has never expressed any doubts about her decision.

[TrustInYourself]

Yeah, that sucks. But if that's the case, you still have nothing to lose by letting her go.

 

Trying to convince her can create resentment and anger, bud. I'm sure you're already aware of that.

 

I'd like to just chill with you a bit. Talk and what not. I wish it was just a simple matter of hanging out and relaxing, rather than just posting back and forth on these boards.

 

I hope you feel better!

[SingleDad]

TIY - during your separation did you ever tell your W that you loved her ? Did you ever tell her that you just wanted your family back ? Being a SingleDad was not something you ever wanted ?

 

Or did you just do the "I do not need you - don't come back until you have changed your mind ? route ?

 

Just wondering as so many posters seem to have just gone cold shoulder to their wives... I my case, I think it was the cold shoulder at the end that convinced her to leave - thus a different circumstance than other posters.

[TrustInYourself]

At first, I told her. But I never got anything back from her except a cold stare or her telling me that she didn't love me. That hurt. I learned quick not to say it, because it only reinforced how she felt and made me feel like crap.

 

I was also positive. I showed change through my actions. I identified the problem. I neglected her. What was the reason for my neglect? What actions showed my priorities were not her. I identified those actions and eliminated them permanently from my life.

 

I never told her I wanted my family back until I knew for certain she was considering coming back. She was on the fence for awhile. I initially pushed her to come back and work things out. That had the opposite effect. I changed tactics quickly and started supporting her decision to move out. I started to take actions that allowed me to enjoy my time alone. I traveled. I met new people. I got together with old friends. I went out and socialized. I did things that I did before I was married. I think I found my identity again. In the marriage, you lose small pieces of yourself over time if you are completely reliant on your spouse. You have to remember that independent, happy person that you were before you came into the marriage. I think I found myself in our separation. It was evident in our interactions how happy I was on my own. I never showed desperation or need. I was good to go. I was the pillar of emotional strength and positivity. My wife was the one who was doubting her happiness alone, not me.

 

I told her I wanted to add to her life and happiness. Not control or detract.

 

I realized that by needing her and asking for her to come back, I was reliant on her to be happy. That's not healthy. You have to be able to give or provide something to a relationship in order to be attractive. That's just the nature of relationships. We all value and want something out of being with others. It's like the saying, "You complete me".

 

I hope that provides you some minor insight. Let me know if you have anything else.

[SingleDad]

TIY - Thanks - that is good advice. And it worked for you. I am trying to do most of the same... But every couple of weeks or so I tell her I love her.

[SingleDad]

TIY - Did you go on dates with other women ?

 

And how long was your separation ? Are you still separated - or did she move back in already ?

[Owl]

I NEVER went "cold shoulder" to my wife, during her affair or after.

 

What I DID do is exactly what I'd outlined to you here.

 

I made changes in myself and my behaviors that I needed to make. I demonstrated to her how good life with me was. I ALSO stopped letting her treat me like a doormat. I refused to support her affair. I had to fight hard to cut back on the "I love you's" and buying flowers and candies and gifts...just like you've been doing. Because I SAW how little that helped my cause, I stopped doing it all the time. Instead, I took the actions I've recommended to you. Dressed nicer, LISTENED to her, did my part of taking care of our kids and our home. I did this for several weeks, and it didn't seem to help much.

 

Then when it seemed like she was still INSISTENT that we seperate, and indicated that that seperation was going to be for a year or longer, I made sure that she understood that I was not willing to be her backup plan for a year. If she wanted to seperate for that long, I was going to file for divorce. She also mentioned possibly contacting OM during that time...I made it clear that if she resumed her affair with him...there would be NO reconciliation, just as I'd told her from the beginning.

 

So what she saw was both sides...what life with me could be like at its best, and that she stood to lose me if she continued her path.

 

She made her choice to give us a chance...and here we are, over four years later.

 

In your case, you need to stop with the "nothing helps" attitude. You wouldn't know if the advice you've been given to stop the pressure and just show her how good it can be will work with her or not...you've not tried it. You've not found out if there IS another man in the equation...which you absolutely SHOULD find out, because that changes how you should try to go about this.

 

You seem to view all of this as manipulation. I don't get that. What it SHOULD be is you improving yourself...REGARDLESS of whether or not it wins your wife back.

 

I've got no other advice to offer.

[TrustInYourself]

TIY - Did you go on dates with other women ?

 

And how long was your separation ? Are you still separated - or did she move back in already ?

 

I never dated 1 on 1 with another woman. I was in many situations socializing with guy friends, where women were around. I didn't make myself a stranger either. I made a point to force myself to go out and meet people. Not specifically women. Just people. I'm pretty social anyways and that's part of who I am. That's why it just made sense for me. That's why I suggest doing what's right for you. What did you enjoy prior to marriage. Remember it, find it, search out people who enjoy those activities. Communicate. Expand yourself. Grow. Enjoy life. etc.

 

My sep was 5 months 3 weeks. She still has her place, but frequently she's over at my place or calling me to come over for dinner and to stay the night.

[SingleDad]

Owl - I am not sure if an OM matters anymore. My Wife has moved out and bought another house. She considers us already divorced. She wants a divorce. She would say it is fine to be with other men. I am not her back-up plan. We are over in her mind. I cannot threaten divorce to have her reconsider her actions.

 

So so many of the methods out there would not work in my case.

 

The only thing I can do is be more of the man she would want to be with and fall in love with again. And if she OM, I would need to be more appealing than him. Right now that would not be the case.

 

Yet If I dated - she would see it as that I am lying to her and do not love her or I woundn't be dating other people. She would not ever come back to be if I was with another woman.

 

I think she needs to know I love her and she would need to believe that I can be the person to love her the way she wants - she is not willing to consider or believe that now - she is in another world now - it may take months or years for her belief to change.

 

I either stay single and work on myself hoping she will see it years from now. Or I move on and try to make a new start with an OW.