She Responded...

[kizik]

But like I was saying, man, you don't know that she is doing fine. She says she is fine, and her life may be going fine..... just words on a screen. I don't think she has forgotten you.

 

I think us guys are slower to get over things and move on.

 

True, and I appreciate it. But she's so busy with her new job, and just moved back to Portland... very exciting life changes that make the pain of a breakup almost disappear... ESPECIALLY b/c she has not felt the same for me for many months already.

 

No, she hasn't forgotten me. But to quote Death Cab for Cutie:

 

"Memories of me seem more like bad dreams

Just a series of blurs like I never occurred"

 

*

 

Guys ARE slower to move on. I don't know what it is. I think we get comfortable, complacent. I am motivated not to make that mistake again.

[northstar1]

True, and I appreciate it. But she's so busy with her new job, and just moved back to Portland... very exciting life changes that make the pain of a breakup almost disappear... ESPECIALLY b/c she has not felt the same for me for many months already.

 

No, she hasn't forgotten me. But to quote Death Cab for Cutie:

 

"Memories of me seem more like bad dreams

Just a series of blurs like I never occurred"

 

*

 

Guys ARE slower to move on. I don't know what it is. I think we get comfortable, complacent. I am motivated not to make that mistake again.

 

You just hit the nail on the head. The life changes that make dealing with things ending that much easier for them.

 

No matter what I seem to do, I can't get this outta my head.

[purplepoodle]

I HATE "take care." It's so cruel. I don't know if it means "stay away," but it's so impersonal and almost condescending. It's an awful phrase when they used to say "I love you."

 

 

I don't know if this is the case with your ex or not, but I used the term "take care" in ending a few emails to my ex. Personally, I did it consciously because it sounded strong and like I had the upper hand, even though it was killing me.

I never knew people had such a hatred to that phrase.

[kizik]

I don't know if this is the case with your ex or not, but I used the term "take care" in ending a few emails to my ex. Personally, I did it consciously because it sounded strong and like I had the upper hand, even though it was killing me.

I never knew people had such a hatred to that phrase.

 

That's really interesting, PP, how you say you said "take care" to people, though it was killing you.

 

To me it means: take care of yourself b/c I know you're all f*cked up after the pain I put you through. Please don't kill yourself over me.

[purplepoodle]

That's really interesting, PP, how you say you said "take care" to people, though it was killing you.

 

To me it means: take care of yourself b/c I know you're all f*cked up after the pain I put you through. Please don't kill yourself over me.

 

I knew he wasn't feeling pain because he wasn't responding to me, so I didn't want him to know I was.

Childish, I know.

It really never occurred to me how it could come off to someone else.

[BrianG]

My ex signed off on emails with "take care" on correspondence on the last few emails taking care of loose ends and it drove me crazy for a while. Since she was so cold towards me, regardless of the nice things I did post break-up, to hear "take care" hurt me so much. This post struck a chord with me in terms of take care. If you break up with someone please dont use the words take care. I dont care what it means to the dumper, but it kills to hear that to a dumpee. Just my input and personnal experience.

[sumdude]

My ex signed off on emails with "take care" on correspondence on the last few emails taking care of loose ends and it drove me crazy for a while. Since she was so cold towards me, regardless of the nice things I did post break-up, to hear "take care" hurt me so much. This post struck a chord with me in terms of take care. If you break up with someone please dont use the words take care. I dont care what it means to the dumper, but it kills to hear that to a dumpee. Just my input and personnal experience.

 

Interesting... it's how I ended many of the last conversations with my ex wife.. I was the dumpee. I couldn't think of anything better to say. My heart was broken , I couldn't say I love you. A simple bye was too impersonal... it seemed like a way of saying I care about you but I'm still hurt and pi$$ed... good luck out there with your brand new life without me.

[Trialbyfire]

kizik, how did you approach her? Did you put up a front?

[kizik]

TBF- No, I said the following:

 

"I wanted to congratulate you on finishing school. I hope you're excited to be coming back to town. I wish you nothing but the best. I know you'll do great at your new job."

 

I wasn't fronting about my own happiness at all. Didn't even mention myself.

[Trialbyfire]

If you don't reveal your vulnerabilities to her, why would she reveal hers to you first?

[kizik]

I didn't see any POINT in saying "I miss you," etc. Would have only made it harder, I think.

 

I don't regret sending the email, or keeping my emotions in check.

[Nevermind]

And why should she see the point of revealing those emotions? This is why we say: her reaction might just be a way of saving her dignity.

[kizik]

I understand this. My reaction the other night was very hurt b/c of her happiness, but now I see exactly what you're saying.

 

Do you guys think I should have opened up? It's never to late to send an email saying how much she meant to me.

[Trialbyfire]

Then don't be hurt when she doesn't reveal herself to you. It's not a game of pride kizik. You either want her back and are actively working on doing so, or you're actively working on moving on. This random contact is hurtful for both parties.

[Nevermind]

You need to know what you want to get out of this. Also (I just learned this) think of what your ex will be likely to say. Can you accept both the best and worst scenario?

[kizik]

TBF,

 

there is no "working on" getting someone back when they've made it clear THEY DON'T WANT YOU.

[Trialbyfire]

If that's the case, why did you contact her?

[stlnsmile]

North,

 

thank you. Here's the lesson: don't contact unless you're prepared for your ex to sound delighted and content despite your removal from the relationship.

 

Hanging out and talking with people will save your life. It will SAVE your F*CKING life. And it's so hard for me right now, b/c I have very few friends...

 

can't wait for college this fall.

 

College, Yeah babeeee, yeah:) Just kidding Kizik....I broke around 6 weeks too I think...and I was an arse about it:) You retained your dignity, and I think for yourself, found the painful closure you will need. Sometimes we just have to do that. "Take care", is better than "Alright babe, I'll think about it" and then never hearing anything again. At least it gives you little hope, which is best in the long run:( I'm sorry it hurts. God, I am so sorry it hurts. Wish I had a big magic wand for everyone on this site, because I would never wish the pain on anyone I know. If I had a magic wand I would make it all better:) You are so right about friends, and family too. My parents saved my life...sat on my mothers lap at 17 yrs. old and cried like I was 4 yrs. old for three days. Its great having a mom. You should call yours:) Well if you have a good relationship with her that is:) Friends will save your FU**ING life, thats for sure. Chin up Kisik...your fine:) This will eventually help you let go more. College will be great....you make sure of it:)

[kizik]

TBF,

 

I've known you for quite some time now, and I respect your opinions. You're very insightful and seem to have moved on a considerable time ago from the loss of your R.

 

That being said, I don't understand why all your posts are so challenging and in-your-face to people who are obviously in pain. I know you are trying to "tell it like it is," but in reality, you are pushing my buttons and making me feel worse about things that have already transpired.

 

I contacted my exgirlfriend b/c she finished a long and arduous schoolyear, and I wanted to congratulate her for it. That's it. It may have been a mistake, maybe not. I extended the olive branch and she responded. When she responded on Sunday, I was hurt, b/c deep in my heart I wanted her to reveal how much she missed me. Of course that wasn't going to happen, though, b/c I didn't say those things first. And I didn't say them b/c I didn't want to let on how hurt I've been.

 

I would suggest you tone it down a little bit with your combative feedback. I don't think you realize that's how you come off... but you do. Like I said, I respect you and all. Just please... chill.

[stlnsmile]

Then don't be hurt when she doesn't reveal herself to you. It's not a game of pride kizik. You either want her back and are actively working on doing so, or you're actively working on moving on. This random contact is hurtful for both parties.

 

Errrr, okay guys, I think, and I'm not sure, but don't you think this depends on who did the dumping. I mean if he dumped her, sure I can see himself making himself vulnerable, probably a very good idea in that case if he wants her back. If she did the dumping, I would think he would want to be a bit more careful. If he wants one last chance for closure, knows he's going to hurt like cr** all over again if she says no, and that it will set him back to day one...then sure go for it. Its different being the dumped and I think you guys need to differenciate between two different kinds of vulnerability.

 

If he was dumped and she has not reached out, I would be hesitant to tell him to make himself more vulnerable. IMHO.

[northstar1]

I understand this. My reaction the other night was very hurt b/c of her happiness, but now I see exactly what you're saying.

 

Do you guys think I should have opened up? It's never to late to send an email saying how much she meant to me.

 

Honestly Kiz, i'll give you the same advice back.

No, I don't.

If you send something with all your emotions on the page, and she either doesn't reply, or replies with the status quo pleasantries (take care, or 'thanks'), you'll be hurting all over again.

 

You sent her a nice note - she responded with a very neutral one back.

 

I'd leave it.

[Trialbyfire]

Errrr, okay guys, I think, and I'm not sure, but don't you think this depends on who did the dumping. I mean if he dumped her, sure I can see himself making himself vulnerable, probably a very good idea in that case if he wants her back. If she did the dumping, I would think he would want to be a bit more careful. If he wants one last chance for closure, knows he's going to hurt like cr** all over again if she says no, and that it will set him back to day one...then sure go for it. Its different being the dumped and I think you guys need to differenciate between two different kinds of vulnerability.

 

If he was dumped and she has not reached out, I would be hesitant to tell him to make himself more vulnerable. IMHO.

If I recall correctly, he dumped her.

[kizik]

F*** no, she dumped me by pushing me away until it all came to a head. I am not at fault for this; she disengaged, belittled me, lost all respect for me.

 

Maybe that's why your perceptions about my R confuse me so, T.

[Nevermind]

Kizik,

 

if you want her back...I would refrain from contacting her. You will have time to reestablish contact (and maybe a friendship of sorts) later, when you are no longer hurting.

 

I am the biggest no-contact loser ever, and I think that when there is something to say, you should just contact them and get it out. So, in my opinion, it was good for you to write her.

 

You feel bad now, but it was very decent and a great gesture. It is nothing to feel bad about, in itself.

 

But for now, it might be best to go back to No contact. You wrote her, in a dignified manner and did something nice. There is nothing to regret. But for now, there is no reason -other than your pain- to contact her. You have dealing well with NC. Try it again.

 

I have a good feeling, that in the greater picture, this contact will prove beneficial. It's part of the process.

 

[kizik]

Thanks for that, NM. You're totally right. NC it is!