Obsessed with boyfriend's Ex-girlfriend!!!!

[Holliebug]

My boyfriend and i have been together for 2 years now. When we met, he had a girlfriend of two years. He broke it off with her to go out with me. Every since then, it's like I am obsessed with her! I drive by her house sometimes and I go to Wal-mart a lot hoping she will be there too and I have dreams about her. and in my dreams at the beginning we were always fighting, but now in my dreams we are good friends.

 

I don't get it! Why am I so obsessed with her! i don't even know her. My boyfiend doesn't know I am obsessed with her. Am I psycho or what? Anyone care to comment?

[midori]

I don't know, but maybe you relate to her in some way. Maybe you know (or fear) that your boyfriend will eventually leave you for someone else, just as he left her for you? In which case I'd say it's not really to do with her, but rather with what you know of your boyfriend (but aren't willing to admit to yourself)...

[tanita]

When i met my now fiancee,he had a girlfreind of a year and a half.We have now been going out for a year and a half and i am still obssesed with her.I know exactly how you feel.I do not know where she lives or where she works so i cannot drive by her house or something of the kind.

It is hard to stop thinking.The difference is that my bf KNOWS that i am obssesed and he reassures me that he left her for me,which he did.Eventhough we have problems(he cheated on me with her ) ,we are now engaged and are working on my feelings.I do not know what kind of guy your bf is but maybe you have to confront him with the fact the u feel insecure because of his past.See what he will say.If you do not think this is a good idea,try talking to someone about it.

You are probably suffering now as it may become an obsession.Tell me more about how you feel.i would like to know.

[km82794]

Well rest assure, you're not alone.....

 

My fiance left his ex for me, she couldn't get along with his kids.

I know her address, her phone # and where she works. I haven't ever drove past her house or called, but if I thought something was up, I would. So maybe that would be considered as being "prepared".

 

She has tried repeatedly to get back together with him in the three years we have been together. I found her phone number on his cell phone (missed calls). She got his new phone number when she called the place he works.

 

I can't answer you WHY we have this problem. Maybe we're just watching our back, because deep down, we wonder if it will happen to us?!?!? Your guess is as good as mine.

 

I will say, since I found out his ex recently contacted Hepatitus C,

I haven't even thought about her.

 

Let me know if you find anything out!

[heyjude]

Hi!

 

Its nice to know that Im not alone. I am also obsessed with my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. They were together for 2 years, then she dumped him in a really snide way, then a year later he got together with me and we've been going out for a year now.

 

I suppose my situations different because all of your boyfriends chose you over her, but Im not sure if he's choose me if he had a choice. He's the best boyfriend, and he always says that Im much better and cleverer and prettier, and I do believe him, but I always obsess over it. He knows that I think about her a lot, and wonders why Im obsessed with her when he isnt at all.

 

I just always get paranoid when Im with his friends that theyre all thinking about her. I really wish I could get over this, Im not sure if I ever will. At the moment I just keep seeing people on tv saying that you never get over your first love, which is what she was. And I wish he just had nothing to do with her, such as photos and other stuff, but I wouldnt throw that stuff away from ex-boyfriends, so cant expect him to.

 

When I met my boyfriend he talked about her a lot, so I just thought that this was a guy who was not over his ex-girlfriend, but it didnt matter then, I just knew I couldnt compete. Now it really really does matter because I want to compete sooo much. Really, I know that I come on top, but I still cant help obsessing!!!!

 

I NEED HELP!!! I cant speak to any of my friends about it because I feel like a freak!!

[julieg]

heyjude, one thing you will never change is the experience of the first love and the aftermath that will always linger in the head of your boyfriend and his ex. like it or not there will always be love for her- a fondness if you will. i left my bf in a snide way a long time ago and know in my heart that he still has a feeling for me as i do him.

think about this hypothetical situation: if something suddenly happened to you, and his snide ex's significant other and then he and his ex were thrown together-would there be any interest?

i say yes.

don't worry about his past and concentrate on today and your future together!

[midori]

I have absolutely no feelings whatsoever for my first love. If he and I were thrown in a room together and were both single, there would be no sparks at all, unless he has changed a lot. And maybe he has, it's been at least six years since I've had any contact with him.

 

When someone gets dumped, especially in a "snide" way, in addition to lingering affection & attraction, the dumpee has to deal with a harsh rejection. Which can lead some people to want to vindicate themselves in the eyes of their ex, make their ex regret ending things. You know.

 

Heyjude, it kind of sounds like maybe you've put yourself in your boyfriend's shoes as much as you can, asking yourself, "how would I feel about her if I were him?" And the obvious stuff like wanting to vindicate yourself comes to mind. But that might not be how your bf feels about it at all. What's better than vindicating yourself to someone who has hurt you is to be utterly indifferent to that person. I don't think you're so much obsessed with the ex as you are with trying to figure out how your bf feels about her (and by extension how he feels about you). If so, bear in mind that you cannot know exactly what he knows or feel exactly what he feels, so stop trying so hard. If he tells you he's not interested in her and acts that way, why question it further? If he's sending mixed messages about her then ask him upfront.

[my_mother's_daughter]

I do believe you got your perfect answer in Midori's last post. The first love cliche is just that. I also wouldn't care to waste any time with mine.

 

Also, as highlighted by Midori, you're not obsessed with the ex as a person, you're focused on the strength of feeling your bf had for her, and you know what? I wouldn't freak out too much about that. The fact of the matter is, we're all competitive animals, we want to be picked first and we want to matter the most. All of us feel this way, it's just that some people deal with it better than others. Accept it for what it is and enjoy your life with the man you love.

 

xx

[heyjude]

hey,

 

Thanks for your help. I'm still confused though. If I'm honest, I think there's no way that he'd go back to her. And really, I know he loves me so much and it's me he wants, not her.

 

So, why am I so envious??

 

I've been thinking about this after reading the messages, and have realised when it started. He hadnt spoken to his ex for a year when we'd been together, and then when we'd been going out for 5 months, I found texts on his phone. Theyd been texting each other for a month and he hadnt told me, and theyd also spoken on the phone twice. That really hurt when I found out, but he didnt seem to see that hed done anything wrong. The worst that I read was he asked her if she still thought about him. I just wondered and still do why he wanted to know that. But he said that he wanted to make her feel really bad about hurting him in the way she did, but I think thats a load of rubbish.

 

I think Im just messed up. Everytime he goes round the corner in his room to look in the mirror I think he's getting out photos of her.

 

I just sometimes feel like going out with my last boyfriend behind his back to make him feel as bad as I did.

 

I wouldnt though.

[midori]

Originally posted by heyjude

hey,

 

If I'm honest, I think there's no way that he'd go back to her. And really, I know he loves me so much and it's me he wants, not her.

 

OK, good. But then ....

 

Theyd been texting each other for a month and he hadnt told me, and theyd also spoken on the phone twice. That really hurt when I found out, but he didnt seem to see that hed done anything wrong. The worst that I read was he asked her if she still thought about him. I just wondered and still do why he wanted to know that.

 

Not so good. At a minimum he has shown that he's not indifferent to her. He's taking the time and effort to communicate with her (even if she's the one who initiates the texting/phoning). He wants to make her regret breaking up with him. In other words, he's still vulnerable to her. Doesn't mean that he wants to get back together with her. But their chats are not meaningless. Not to him, and therefore not to you.

 

I'd have a very frank talk with him. He should know that his interaction with her makes you uncomfortable. You can tell him that it's not a question of trusting him, it's simply that you don't enjoy being with someone who's still so wrapped up in the distant past. That he's willing to give the time of day to that ex is a bit weird, given her previous treatment of him. His admission that he'd like to make her regret breaking up with him is further proof that she still casts a shadow in his mental world. You're not looking for a relationship with someone who's got unresolved issues with his ex girlfriend.

 

See what he says. It may come down to giving him an ultimatum: forget about your past with her and focus on the present with me -- or else you can forget about having me at all. But I wouldn't issue it right away. If he gets it, great -- no need for an ultimatum, which is usually not a good thing to bring into a relationship. If he doesn't get it, well... would you want to bother issuing the ultimatum? If he doesn't get it then he's a bit thick and perhaps not worth the trouble.

 

Good luck.

[Jonna]

My b/f and I have been dating for 3 years, and I started obsessing about her becuase he talked about her so much. It made me so insecure. It was like what does she have that I dont kind of thing. I found out so much about herm where she lives, what she does.. everything. But I hate it. My boy friend doesn't know that i obsess with her though, and I don't think I'd want him to know. I don't know how to stop obsessing over her though- sometimes I think I never will. I'm just glad to see that I 'm not alone on this one!

[elle]

I know exactly how you feel.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and cannot stop obsessing about his ex who he was with for over 2 years.

 

He still has a picture of her on his wall - in a presentation set of photos from a holiday in egypt. I know he cannot take the picture out of it but every time he is in the shower or out of the room I scruitinise it. She is only about 2" tall in the picture but I obsess over how thin and pretty she looks. I know she was a size 8 and I am a 12 and I keep wondering what my boyfriend sees in me over her.

 

He tries to reassure me that he loves me how I am but I can't stop wondering what she was like. From what he's said she sounds so different to me and I can't understand how he could fall in love with both of us. It's completely irrational since they broke up a year before I met him but I'm still obsessed.

 

I guess we have to just focus on the fact that they would still be with them if they wanted to be and try to accept that they have a past that we weren't part of.

 

If anyone knows how to do that... please help!!

[heyjude]

Elle, your story is just the same as mine. Even the dates. We've been together for a year, he's been single for a year, and went out with his ex-girlfriend for 2 years before that.

 

I don't think there's any one particular way to get over it (I'd love someone to tell me otherwise). It's definitely to do with personal insecurity, I think it will probably just take time.

 

I really hope Im not like this with every boyfriend I ever have!! Because it's the worst feeling ever.

 

My boyfriend had a photo of his ex on his wall up until we'd be going out for 5 months, and I'd just look at it when he went out the room. He always told me she's not attractive, and if I met her I'd see there would be nothing to be jealous about (he must think I'm really shallow if he thinks its about looks). Anyway, I thought she looked really pretty, but completely different to me.

 

I just find that coming on here and talking to others helps, so come back more often.

[Hyperion]

OK . . . here goes. I'm an ex-girlfriend who is being harassed by my ex's current wife (his 3rd). He married her about 8 months after I left him.

 

For the past 3 years and 2 months, this woman has e-mailed, sent IMs, posted web pages, and called my home . . . and I couldn't care less about her life or her husband or anything associated with her.

 

This morning her "sister" called to find out if her "brother-in-law" is in communication with me and if I had anything to do with their neighbor suddenly becoming cold toward them. According to the wife, I'm responsible for global warming, the Gulf War, SARS, hurricanes, dental cavities, potholes in the road, and any other natural disasters waiting to occur.

 

I was absolutely annoyed by this call, as I believed that the wife's obsession with me had finally run its course. For the record, I haven't spoken to the ex since the day I left him four years ago. Furthermore, he has NOT tried to contact me in any way, shape, or form. Our parting was bitter and filled with rancor, but we both recovered and made successes of our lives.

 

I was very happy when he got married because then I knew he'd never bother me again as he knows that I'm a firm believer that the past is the past . . . cut your losses and move on.

 

The main things I want you to know are that (1) the person you should be concerned with is not the ex-girlfriend but your own self . . . insecurity screws up a lot of good relationships; (2) if your man is talking about his ex, your problem is with HIM, not the ex-girlfriend 'cause obviously he hasn't yet gotten closure . . . and it's probably this realization that has you so wired; (3) let him know how you feel and make the strongest effort you can to block the ex-girlfriend out of your mind; and finally, remember that if you consider the ex-girlfriend a rival and focus on her, then you might overlook the woman who's really after him.

 

Love your man, take care of him and yourself, kick the ex-girlfriend to the curb (as most of us have done with our ex-boyfriend), and do everything you can to bring closure to your obsession.

[Angel]

I had an ex-boyfriend who was "friends" with his "x's". I tried to be mature about it---and shouldn't have been. I ended up breaking up with him because of his eventual cheating.

 

Fast-forward: When I met my new man----I asked him point blank if he had prior girlfriends still calling him because I just wouldn't do that one again. He told me that all ties were broken with all of them----and he didn't maintain friendships with x's. I didn't have to change him, didn't have to nag him, nor obsess about them. He has been loyal to me and have not had one hint of impropriety on his part.

 

Bottom Line: Find a man who has values like yours. You can't change a man. You have to like him "as is".

 

Good luck. Hope this was helpful.

[sunnie23]

i can relate to all of you, and i know that my problem is insecurity.

 

 

my bf of seven months has had one serious relationship in his whole life. they dated for two years and broke up five years ago. a very long time, i know. as well, i have had one other serious relationship. it lasted a year and we broke up a year ago...he was my first love.

 

my problem is that my bf told me she was the only girl he ever felt he loved. he thought she was "the one." i don't know the details of their breakup, just that it was mutual and he was quite hurt by it. my problem is i feel like i'm competing with this girl for my man's love. he hasn't told me he loves me, just that he really likes me and cares about me, though i've admitted to him that i do love him.

 

all in all, he doesn't talk about her, there have never been any pics or deep convos about our past.

 

the other night his sister came online and told me i surpass all of his ex's. he's never said anything like this, and so i was curious, what were his ex's like? now i find myself thinking i'm not good enough because i'm not any of these girls, even though i've been told i'm so much more then they were.....

 

i think it's all just jealousy that for a time she was the object of my bf's love, something that i want so badly.

 

but what i, and we all have to remember is that there's a reason why they are ex's. i wouldn't look twice at my ex if he past me in the street now, why should i expect any different from my man?

 

appreciate your differences from the ex girlfriend. i bet your guy does more than you will ever know.

 

~s

[A wanderer]

hi what's up. ill help to the best i can i beleive dreams are prophetic so maybe you were meant to be friends but i am in the same can-o-nutz ur in

[jacob555]

I had a girlfriend that after 8 years now, I still think about from time to time. We broke up because she cheated on me, but I started seeing her again soon after while I was dating my wife. I prefered her sexually but I wanted to be with my wife for who she was, which won out over the physical. But what caused me to start seeing my x in the first place had started with friendship. Sooner or later I was in a room alone and she wanted me to give her a massage (I was in school for massage therapy, so this was not strange) One thing led to anouther (I was already carresing her body, what would kissing hurt, I kissed her what would going further hust...)I will catch myself from time to time wanting to e-mail my x to find out what she is up to, but stop because I know that it could result into something. First a conversation, then a friendly dinner or such. Then a friendship. Then little by little things esculate. I know you are probably thinking that I just have no controll, but I think most men lack the control when confronted with the chance for some strange, it is the preparation and making sure the man doesnt get into that kind of situation so the oppertunity doesnt present itself.

 

I thinkl you should confront him and make sure he knows that you do not want him to have contact with her. If there is no intentions, he shouldnt have too much of a problem with it.

[amtherenow]

I'm there now too. I'm in the process of movin in with my bf, and his ex keeps coming up--he's keeping love letters, had lingere, art projects, etc. We've been dating for 9 months or so, he was single for a couple months before that and had dated her for about a year. I can't tell you how hurtful it was to see her tiny lingere that he still had. Additionally, he tries to minimize my reaction to these things by not telling me the whole truth about them, which makes me doubt my instincts and wonder why he feels the need to lie about these things (and what else would he lie about?)

 

This isn't new...she's come up before, and we almost didn't make it through that--why isn't he more careful about these things, an why do they keep appearing? I'm worried that my trust in him is going to dissappear, then what?

 

Any suggestions?

[geokatgrl]

I can't let this thread go by without a post. I have been through the ringer on this issue. I dated a guy for about two years. He was very "loving" and supportive, and I was young and naive. After we had dated for about two years I found out he had been cheating on me for nearly the entire time with a girl he had met through a friend, who knw that he was with me. We had been planning to be married. The excrutiating pain of finding out and breaking up was so traumatic I couldn't imagine anything worse. At least not then.

 

I left him and focused my energy on college and becoming involved in several academic organizations. I was president of a large school science club, manager of a large department, and had a brilliant future ahead of me. Then he came back.

 

He had gotten engaged to the girl he had cheated on me with, but he was unhappy. He just wanted to talk. Then he started sending flowers. Next thing I know I'm the other woman and I'm going through a roller coaster of him promising to leave her and making things right. He finally moved out of their house six months later and two weeks before their wedding.

 

We went through about a year and a half of horrible fights and counseling, during which he convinced me that I was the cause of our problems because I couldn't get over his ex. I began taking anti-depressants and soon went numb to it all. DON"T do this. Going numb is NOT the answer. He became very controling and manipulative, which I was basically oblivious to because of the medicine. I was so oblivious that I didn't know he was continuing to cheat on me with other women, which is why he was so controling. The horrific part of this story....I married him.

 

Through this all I would drive by her house, her work, looked for pictures, letters, anything. He kept a photo album of her (including nude photos) hidden in his car, even after we got married. I starved myself to be thin, but never felt attractive. I was literally killing myself over her, though she is not especially attractive herself.

 

Then one day I woke up. I stopped taking the anti-depressant and started facing the reality of the situation. a year later I finally left him. That's been two years ago, but I can't say that I am healed. I still obsess about her. I still drive by her house, or work when I am in the neighborhood. I still look at old pictures of her (we went to the same college), and I still see her in town. She has since married and I'm sure never even thinks about this stuff. I am now engaged to the most wonderful man in the world, yet I still dwell on it sometimes.

 

My advice to all of you in the thread...nip it in the bud. Don't let anything grow to the tree that I let mine grow to. The best and only way to deal with this is to be true to yourself. It may hurt to follow what you know is right, but it can never compare to the pain you set yourself up for if you lie to yourself. "To thine own self be true". Follow this and you will find healing and strength. It's amazing. It's hard, but amazing.

 

Sorry for the long post, but I feel very passionately about this. I hope this helps at least some of you. If you have any questions I would be happy to answer them.

[chinkette]

hi all,

 

i thought i was the only girl in the world to have this "i'm-obsessed-with-my-boyfriend's-ex" issue! After reading all your comments, i can see why you feel this way. Although my experience is a bit different, i can still relate to you guys.

 

i've been with my bf for more than 3 years now. he's only had one other relationship before i came along, and they went out for about 2 years before the girl dumped him. when we first met, he talked a LOT about her, like how badly she treated him, how he's been wronged, etc. Still, i know all along that he was over her (they never kept in touch after their breakup), and that he already put his past behind him by the time he asked me out.

 

so why am i still obsessed/envious/jealous of his ex? I dont think it's the fact that he's been romantically involved with someone, but rather the kind of PERSON he was romantically involved with. my boyfriend's ex - according to him and my own observations - is selfish, self-centered, shallow, materialistic, a perfectionist who looks down on others. I can't accept the fact that he loved someone like that - and I KNOW he would've continued to do so, if that girl didn't dump him! Basically, I feel that he loves me now only because that girl stopped loving him.

 

secondly, i am envious and jealous of my boyfriend's ex because she is more accomplished and successful than i am - she attended a private high school, skipped a grade, had awesome marks, won multiple awards/scholarships to universities and went on an excellent internship during her undergraduate studies. Me? i'm just your average girl, getting progressively worse since university because i'm barely meeting the requirements. I've seen pictures of her and she looks pretty too. I can't stand the fact that he went out with someone better than me.

 

I used to think that time was the problem, that if i went out with my boyfriend longer than his ex then i am ok - but that's not true. this feeling gets worse everyday.

[my_mother's_daughter]

I can't accept the fact that he loved someone like that - and I KNOW he would've continued to do so, if that girl didn't dump him! Basically, I feel that he loves me now only because that girl stopped loving him.

 

"Ouch" said the nail

"What's up?" asked the hammer

"You just hit me on the head" he replied

[Greenstone79]

i really did think i was the only person who was obsessed with their boyfriend's ex...i feel so much better after reading everyones posts because now i see i am not alone on this.

 

my boyfriend has several ex-girlfs but the one i'm really obsessed with is the one right before me. maybe that is because he is from out of state so the other ones arent from here or live near here, but the one before me lives in this same town and their relationship is very recent, which makes her seem like more of a threat. they had broken up only a month before he started dating me, and he talked about her a lot in the beginning of our relationship. to make matters worse, i know taht she still calls him and ive found all kinds of pictures of her in his room. he's also still holding on to some mementos from her and it drives me crazy. i actually stole one of his pictures he had of them from his room and i look at it a lot and jsut make my self sick with it. all the pictures i saw of them flash in my mind and i keep getting all these horrible mental images of how he used to do the same exact things he does with me with her and how he used to say the same things he says to me to her....it makes me feel so insecure and angry.

 

i am so obsessed with her that i want to know where she lives, where she works and all that stuff, but i know that if i ask him that he will know i am obsessed and it makes me feel like a freak. i just want to see her in person soooo bad. i want to know how i really measure up to her. i keep trying to convince my self that shes really not even that great or pretty, but the truth is i know that she was a cute girl...at least from what i can see from the photos. it makes me so mad/jealous/envious to think that she once had my boyfriends love and affection and to make matters worse, is still trying to contact him. i don't know how to get over these ex-girlf obsessions either, and i wish there was a cure for it. no matter how many times he tells me i'm way better than her, i cannot get the jealousy and obsession to go away. it seems like no matter how much he tries to reassure me, nothing really helps this.

[nicolelouise127]

OHH my godess I have the same problem i was wondering that same thing as you are!! My boyfriend of 2 and a half years is in Guantanamo Bay Cuba wiht the ARMY well whil he was hoem on leave he told me that he had slept wiht this Robin chick in the ARMY too and i have been soo oobsesssed wiht her it isnt funny i want to know if she looks better than i do i want to know why he liked her and if he wil go back to her, i have no idea i feelike a stalker but i feel like mayeb i am tryign to protect myself from beign hurt againa dn if i talkto her mayeb she will tell me things about him i am back together wiht him but he is still there and i am still jelous of her soo much for no real reason but i just wanted tot ell you that i have the same problem and i dont know what to do either!!

[my_mother's_daughter]

nicolelouise, you have bigger issues than those originally posted here, see most of these women are obsessing/focusing on their partners previous girlfriend, from what you wrote here, your boyfriend has actually cheated on you with someone else, and you have every right to feel mad at him for that.

 

What confounds me however is why you have accepted this fact and chosen to 'get on with it' and choose instead to fixate on the woman he was unfaithful with? HE was the one being disloyal, HE is the one you have the issue with. What the heck are you doing to yourself staying with someone in whom you have no trust?