Author InvisibleGirl Posted June 1, 2008 Author Share Posted June 1, 2008 It sounds like you are just trying to disapear quietly. As someone from the other end of this type of story, I think you should tell his wife if he will not. I am forever gratefull to the one woman who finally confessed that she was seeing my husband. Women should stick together and not let men go unpunished for this level of betrayel. You would be shocked to find out how many of the complaints these men tell you about their wives are complete fabrication to make you feel OK with what they are doing. I'll take it to the grave with me and he knows it. After all I still love him. In fact the NC isnt working very well. I've become very dependent upon him over the last couple of years and I let the rest of my life slip away. I need to try and make new friends so I can keep busy and forget about him but the thought of it all is incredibly hard. He knows I'll never tell and In fact he said the other night when we were fighting that it was in my power to make a few phone calls and I could ruin his life but he has the power to do the same to me on a smaller scale but he stands to lose a lot more than me. In fact I remember going way back that a friend of his suspected that he was thinking of stepping outside the marraiage and his friend, who had been involved in an affair at one time gave him the advice of don't get involved with someone that doesnt have as much to lose as you do. (His friend is now married to the OW by the way). If he wants to live his life the way he is that can be on his conscience but that is up to him to deal with not me. I know part of the reason these men tell us we need to let them go instead of the other way around is they don't want to upset us and have us blow the whistle. Why I still love him after all this I dont know, but I do... I just don't know how I'm going to get to a place where I can stop thinking about him while still going out into the world all day and pretending that this isnt going on in my life. I hope he got what he was looking for out of all of this and can not worry about what it did to the person he told was his "best friend", me. But I guess he has someone else at home that he told was his best friend at one time or another too and I'm almost certain his is going to turn right back around and do it all over again. Why he wants to live his life like that I dont know...he could be such a great person if he could just be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
porter218 Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Wow! sounds to me like he went out seeking an affair and targeted you. It sounds like you are a victim of this mans horrible game. If you are trying to forget about him.. go away on vacation, nothing heals wounds better then time and space. This man was selfish and disrespectful to you among others..just keep a distance as much as you can and you will feel better. When I left my H I took my kids and went to Turks & Caicos in the Caribbean..nothing sooths the soul better than the islands. I came back amazingly detached from the pain of what he put me through..you should try it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author InvisibleGirl Posted June 2, 2008 Author Share Posted June 2, 2008 I just don't know what to believe about him but tomorrow is going to be hard and an even bigger test for me. After we became friends I changed jobs, I was at a job for many years that I was very unhappy with and with MMs support and encouragement I landed a new job thats only a couple of blocks from his. That was nine months ago and he and I have had lunch basically every day during that time, met up for coffee, etc. Its basically like Im living in his backyard now so I need to be strong and not see him. So everyone I know at this new place I know less and much less time than I know him. He texted earlier saying how he doesnt like this not being touch thing and how he had a dream about me last night that he woke up crying from because it was about him not existing to me. I don't know what he wants me to do I've done all I can do and told him what he needs to do on his end. I'm miss him terribly but I can't keep going through this push and pull between us. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 He texted earlier saying how he doesnt like this not being touch thing and how he had a dream about me last night that he woke up crying from because it was about him not existing to me. Seems he's finally getting an inkling of what you've been experiencing all along. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 I guess mine was different in as much as once he returned to the M he never thought I would be happy to be an "OW". My jury is still out on whether that was because he was an honourable man or a jerk LOL Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 3, 2008 Share Posted June 3, 2008 I guess mine was different in as much as once he returned to the M he never thought I would be happy to be an "OW". My jury is still out on whether that was because he was an honourable man or a jerk LOL ... or because you communicate clearly and left him in absolutely no doubt? Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted June 3, 2008 Share Posted June 3, 2008 ... or because you communicate clearly and left him in absolutely no doubt? lol, I guess he knew my feelings on that matter - I'm an all or nothing kinda person (and I'm not too good at 'sharing') Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 lol, I guess he knew my feelings on that matter - I'm an all or nothing kinda person (and I'm not too good at 'sharing') Good for you! I guess I'm a "what I want and I want it now" kind of person - learning to compromise is going to be tough.... Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 Good for you! I guess I'm a "what I want and I want it now" kind of person - learning to compromise is going to be tough.... I have wondered about that with you OWoman. It will be interesting to see the development because you are already so intelligent, witty, and fun. But compromising? We'll see. Actually, I have complete faith in you. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 I have wondered about that with you OWoman. It will be interesting to see the development because you are already so intelligent, witty, and fun. But compromising? We'll see. Actually, I have complete faith in you. Thanks for the vote of confidence, WF - I guess time will tell.... Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted June 7, 2008 Share Posted June 7, 2008 Your feelings seem very tender at the moment regarding your MM so I'll refrain from making any direct statements regarding my impression of him. I posted some thoughts for NES (Neverendingsaga) that I thought might give you a different perspective on the character of the man you've fallen in love with.... There are 3 Classes of Momma's Boys to beware of: Class A: Narcassist - He holds no boundaries for himself but expects you to live by his rules and regulations. He is typically the most secure in himself and demonstrates the most extreme in controlling behavior, often through authoritative physical and emotional manipulation, to outright demand respect and adoration of the women in his life. He is extremely opinionated and only allows those who bow to his will to remain within his inner circle. Although he can be outwardly charming in his confidence he has a tendency to be spiteful, physical, or dismissive of those women who won't get with his program. He feels endowed, by virtue of his own vaulted self-assurance, with the authority to carry and maintain affairs with any women he wants without consequence because its their honor to have the attention from a man of his power, stature and intelligence. He was raised by a domineering mother that dominated the household and held him out to be her favorite child who deserved all he demanded and could do no wrong. Class B: Entitlement Prince - He is aware of boundaries but he feels entitled to breach them because he believes women demand that he be the center of attention and the object of everyone's adoration yet, he is insecure and uncertain of himself when ostracized. He demonstrates controlling behavior mainly by charming emotional manipulation and wll respond with jealosy and spiteful behavior if an attempt is made to usurp him from his pedestal or any woman he's fancies tries to leave his circle of adoration. He strives to project an illusion of charm and an innate sense for the emotional needs of women in his goal to charm the largest circle of admirerers that he can manipulate. He was raised at the knee of a very manipulative woman, likened to a drama queen, who used extreme wile to achieve control in her household. He's learned the most on how to manipulate the emotions of women because he sharpened his womanly wiles early in life charming his mother to secure her attention or anything else he wanted from her. He feels that, since all women yearn for a man of his exceptional charm, personality, and wiley sense of empathy for their emotional desire for romance, he's entitled to all the love and adoration he wants from every woman he fancies. Class C: Leech - He respects boundaries as long as YOU take care of HIM. He is typically clingy, needy, and the most insecure by nature of the 3 Classes and exhibits control primarily by emotional manipulation of a woman's mothering instinct. Rejection is met with prolonged sulking, and temper tantrums. His main objective is financial and emotional security by attaching himself to a (preferably working) spouse who adores him. He was raised by an overly doting mother who rarely allowed him to do or think for himself. Although this type of individual demands to be the center of his wife's attention he routinely ignores many of her emotional needs and often withholds intimacy and support if he feels she isn't doting on him enough since his mother made him believe that no woman is truly good enough for the affections of her boy if she isn't waiting on him hand and foot. He believes thay by stroking a woman's maternal nerve center with his own needs she feels more needed, wanted, and loved making him feel extremely desirable for a woman with a nurturing oriented need in a relationship. He tends to get jealous of the attention devoted by his spouse to his own children though, especially when they're infants, which can be a motivating factor for his desire to commit infidelity. Oddly enough, he is the only type of individual people automatically think of when defining a Momma's Boy. The common denominators all 3 Classes share is selfishness and a loyalty directed primarily unto themselves. Although each will verbally espouse love to the women in their lives, they all use charm, adopted through a close relationships with their mothers, to ply women women with a false sense of emotional connection they may be vulnerable to in order to secure money, adoration, or both. Disclaimer: These assessments were not based on any known scientific study but merely observations of someone who's seen and heard enough to recognize a "Momma's Boy" when he sees one. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 7, 2008 Share Posted June 7, 2008 Your feelings seem very tender at the moment regarding your MM so I'll refrain from making any direct statements regarding my impression of him. I posted some thoughts for NES (Neverendingsaga) that I thought might give you a different perspective on the character of the man you've fallen in love with.... Not dure who that was directed at, peli? Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted June 7, 2008 Share Posted June 7, 2008 Not dure who that was directed at, peli? Oops! I was directing my post toward InvisibleGirl. Hmmmm. My telekenisis must be on the fritz again! Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 7, 2008 Share Posted June 7, 2008 My telekenisis must be on the fritz again! And my spelling (and yours - telekinesis is, I think, what you meant ) Link to post Share on other sites
Author InvisibleGirl Posted June 7, 2008 Author Share Posted June 7, 2008 I'd say the Narcassist description fits him pretty well. Although some of the other descriptions have some things that ring true too. I'm having such a hard time with this I really am. Trying not to be in touch but we are so very attached to each other. He wants us to stay 'friends' but I know now he is never leaving home but I guess I still cling to the fact that if he wants to keep me around maybe one day he'll change his mind. Its so unhealthy for me but I just keep going back for more... He told me he showed BW a picture of me recently and that somehow that was supposed to validate that our friendship was real. He tells me I should do what I need to do and that has been trying to distance myself yet he is still in touch with me at every turn, trying to get me to come for coffee and go to lunch and texting me and I just don't know what he is looking for here... I feel like he truly wanted to end this for once and for all he wouldnt keep contacting me and wanting to be around me after he was so adamant about how if he told the truth to his wife about our friendship his marriage would be destroyed. What does he want? Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted June 7, 2008 Share Posted June 7, 2008 And my spelling (and yours - telekinesis is, I think, what you meant ) You know I actually googled the word and still screwed it up! I need to re-up my dyslexia medication...(if there is such a thing)! Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 7, 2008 Share Posted June 7, 2008 He told me he showed BW a picture of me recently and that somehow that was supposed to validate that our friendship was real. He tells me I should do what I need to do and that has been trying to distance myself yet he is still in touch with me at every turn, trying to get me to come for coffee and go to lunch and texting me and I just don't know what he is looking for here... I feel like he truly wanted to end this for once and for all he wouldnt keep contacting me and wanting to be around me after he was so adamant about how if he told the truth to his wife about our friendship his marriage would be destroyed. What does he want? Great. He's now told his W you're his "friend", and shown her what you look like. Next, I guess, will be your address, and soon enough she'll know enough about you for you to need a personal bodyguard. I'd worry. This guy is not only using and abusing you for his own purposes with no regard for what you may want or how you may feel, he's also blithely exposing you to all manner of potential risks. What happens when she discovers the true nature of your "friendship"? Is she supposed to sit back and take it - the way you have, IG - and just let MM continue to have it all his own way? What if she's less compliant? What if she's terribly upset and turns in to one of those psycho stories we hear about - she now knows who you are, what you look like - and maybe more already. This guy has shown he's prepared to endanger you recklessly, thinking only of making life easier for himself. This is the kind of guy people land up needing ROs against. I think he's genuinely unable to conceive of life from anyone's perspective but his own. IG - you have to put yourself first on this. This guy is never going to do that. You're just a prop on his stage. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted June 7, 2008 Share Posted June 7, 2008 I know now he is never leaving home but I guess I still cling to the fact that if he wants to keep me around maybe one day he'll change his mind. Its so unhealthy for me but I just keep going back for more... What does he want? I don't know what you're clinging to, Invisible, but it sure ain't fact. Keeping you around just ensures that he gets everything he wants, and he doesn't have to make any decisions about you. He feels ENTITLED to you. Isn't it about time you brought that sh*t to a screeching halt?!?? Walk away from him, calmly and firmly, regardless of how you feel inside. You need to show him (and, I suspect, yourself as well) that he doesn't own you, and you are not going to allow him to use you as his own personal emotional Yo-Yo. You are the only person who can put your foot down on this. You are teaching him how to treat you. You are teaching him the wrong lessons. Time to flip the script!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author InvisibleGirl Posted June 7, 2008 Author Share Posted June 7, 2008 Good advice you guys are right. It did bother me that he showed the picture especially without mentioning he would first, I'm not sure what comfort he thought I was supposed to find in it. I think it was supposed to appease me and make me feel good since I was forever saying how the position I'm in makes me very disposeable to him, not a real friend and he kept assuring me how important I am to him. Especially now it sort of brings to the surface the way he has been lying all along. I mean here he is showing her these pictures and mentioning me and who I was as if I was just a person he met not long ago and that I worked near him when instead he has been cheating on her with me for the last two years. The only person he is looking to protect is himself so that shows how much he cares about me, zero. I think he is probably feeling pretty good about himself now because he feels like he 'came clean' when honestly I think saying nothing is better than telling an outright lie. He probably thinks that she will now never know nor suspect anything with me because im just a 'friend'. But here is a man that basically said to me that any person that ever got in the way of his not being able to see his kids would be in for a world of hell. With that said I just wonder if he feels he has so much to risk why is he the one to continue initiating contact with me and wanting to have coffee or lunch or 'running into' me when I'm walking out of work? If he wanted to lie to her on her own than that was fine but I asked him what he says at home about who he goes to lunch with and he said sometimes he says alone and sometimes he lies and sometimes it doesnt come up at all. So he is basically telling me to go along with the lies. Sadly I did consider this man my best friend the last two years but if I keep going on with the meetings as this 'friend' I am certain one day the bubble will burst and I will not accept blame for the problems it causes at home and I know thats what would happen... Its amazing how this wonderful men turn on you after they tell you they love you. So why does he do it if he thinks he has so much to risk? He should be glad that I'm not the one repeately contacting him to get together... You're right its extremely painful but I need to walk away at this point and I can only hope one day this all catches up to him. His wife needs to know. I refuse to stay this man's other woman forever and someone that treats me this way is not a friend in any shape or form either. I don't know why he wants to live the way he does. I love who I thought he was not who he really is i think... Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted June 7, 2008 Share Posted June 7, 2008 Great. He's now told his W you're his "friend", and shown her what you look like. Next, I guess, will be your address, and soon enough she'll know enough about you for you to need a personal bodyguard. I'd worry. This guy is not only using and abusing you for his own purposes with no regard for what you may want or how you may feel, he's also blithely exposing you to all manner of potential risks. What happens when she discovers the true nature of your "friendship"? Is she supposed to sit back and take it - the way you have, IG - and just let MM continue to have it all his own way? What if she's less compliant? What if she's terribly upset and turns in to one of those psycho stories we hear about - she now knows who you are, what you look like - and maybe more already. This guy has shown he's prepared to endanger you recklessly, thinking only of making life easier for himself. This is the kind of guy people land up needing ROs against. I think he's genuinely unable to conceive of life from anyone's perspective but his own. IG - you have to put yourself first on this. This guy is never going to do that. You're just a prop on his stage. To add to this (sorry OWoman, I couldn't resist) quote, his wife is already on high alert from his previous disclosure about the wanton kiss he exchanged with yet another woman, remember! You are in his wife's cross+hairs for sure so you need to beat feet like a centipede flipping this guy the finger on your way out! I'm sorry IG but you need to put a fork in this guy...HE'S DONE! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts