Is there ever a time when it's OK....

[whichwayisup]

What is your opinion on the situation at hand?

 

I've said my thoughts many times throughout this thread. I know I went offtopic but I needed to comment on something G said. It wasn't meant to come off meanly, G knows that...She and I agree to disagree on things at times..

[mistresswchildren]

In that case, I'd feel obligated, no matter when he says he last had sex with his wife. AIDS and syphilis both have long incubation periods; if you test positive, how many other women is he infecting? And if he's giving them HIV knowingly, in some states, that's a crime.

 

I definitely agree with that. In some states when they reveal your status as positive to you, they make you give them the phone numbers of your exs (for a number of years). Then you are supposed to call them with a counselor at your side. It is not okay for anyone to walk around with a disease unknowingly. Why would she check unless it was her regular PAP? Also, what if she doesn't hold to the yearly check ups. Some women don't. Some women never learn the proper way to take care of their female parts. I know that this isn't the case, but if it were, the answer is tell her.

[Gwyneth]

I've said my thoughts many times throughout this thread. I know I went offtopic but I needed to comment on something G said. It wasn't meant to come off meanly, G knows that...She and I agree to disagree on things at times..

 

Exactly You will see that I usually take what WWIS says lightly--I either agree or disagree, and she acccepts it either way. But thank you, MWC for once again being there

[whichwayisup]

I'm just wondering if OP has other motives in mind.

 

She is telling to more or less make herself feel better, get closure. The problem is, it's on the expense of MM's wife. She has no idea how emotional and how hard it will be to sit there and face MM's wife and answer questions..

 

I know many disagree, and that's fine...But the OP will be better off to just heal herself and move on, and find a single man when she's ready and live a happier life without the drama and pain of the A and the fallout.

[Gwyneth]

I definitely agree with that. In some states when they reveal your status as positive to you, they make you give them the phone numbers of your exs (for a number of years). Then you are supposed to call them with a counselor at your side. It is not okay for anyone to walk around with a disease unknowingly. Why would she check unless it was her regular PAP? Also, what if she doesn't hold to the yearly check ups. Some women don't. Some women never learn the proper way to take care of their female parts. I know that this isn't the case, but if it were, the answer is tell her.

 

You know, back in college, I dated the Walking Disease of all time. Anyway, I learned afterward that I had contracted HPV. Well I just assumed the Walking Disease gave it to me. I then called him and told him and asked that he Please tell his new GF so that she can get tested. Well Mr. Know-it-all REFUSED to do so!!!!! I mean HPV is a BIG DEAL if Not properly treated. But I never thought "let me tell her myself," because the girl hated me to begin with, as I was the EX who he paid more attention to when we were both around him.

[UnknownGal]

I definitely agree with that. In some states when they reveal your status as positive to you, they make you give them the phone numbers of your exs (for a number of years). Then you are supposed to call them with a counselor at your side. It is not okay for anyone to walk around with a disease unknowingly. Why would she check unless it was her regular PAP? Also, what if she doesn't hold to the yearly check ups. Some women don't. Some women never learn the proper way to take care of their female parts. I know that this isn't the case, but if it were, the answer is tell her.

 

I get my yearly check ups. I am in the healthcare profession, so yes I do get myself checked at least yearly for HIV (even when not being physical with another person). We used protection, which decreases the possiblity of getting diseases, although it does not eliminate them. But STD's are not the reason that I have thought of telling the wife.

 

I have never even thought of asking the MM to tell his wife. Since we are NC anymore, its not even something I would consider asking.

 

I think that the biggest motivation is that this woman has no idea that she was betrayed by ME - knowingly sleeping with a man who was M. Ultimately I just want to apologize for making such a stupid mistake.

[Mustang Sally]

I have never even thought of asking the MM to tell his wife. Since we are NC anymore, its not even something I would consider asking.

Yikes!

In case you are referencing my post above about MM being the one to tell the wife...

 

I was not meaning to suggest that YOU ask him to tell her. IMO, it's not your business anymore whether he tells her or not, or what in the world happens between them or to their relationship.

 

My point was that if anyone is going to be telling her, the onus is on HIM. So, there's not anything you can or should do about it. That's all. (And I'm taking it that there are no STD issues involved here...)

[whichwayisup]

I have never even thought of asking the MM to tell his wife. Since we are NC anymore, its not even something I would consider asking.

 

How long have you been in NC mode with him?

 

And since you have been in NC mode with him, you have no idea if he is working on his marriage.

 

Ultimately I just want to apologize for making such a stupid mistake.

 

Then forgive yourself. Don't make that mistake again with another MM. And, don't hope that she will thank you for telling her or forgive you for having an affair with her husband.

 

Please really think carefully before you do tell.

 

I think that the biggest motivation is that this woman has no idea that she was betrayed by ME

 

Does this mean that you knew her and were friends with her?

[UnknownGal]

How long have you been in NC mode with him?

 

I have been in NC mode for 6 months now.

 

 

Does this mean that you knew her and were friends with her?

 

I know her. Met her several years ago before they were married. I am not friends with her.

[whichwayisup]

I have been in NC mode for 6 months now.

 

Then let it go. You aren't in his life anymore, nor hers. The A is over...Don't open this door, keep it shut and locked.

 

Because of that NC, you do NOT know the state of his marriage, or what is going on in their life in general. It is unfair of you now after 6 months to go tell.

 

Forgive yourself, seek counselling so you can move past this and forgive yourself.

[mistresswchildren]

I get my yearly check ups. I am in the healthcare profession, so yes I do get myself checked at least yearly for HIV (even when not being physical with another person). We used protection, which decreases the possiblity of getting diseases, although it does not eliminate them. But STD's are not the reason that I have thought of telling the wife.

 

I have never even thought of asking the MM to tell his wife. Since we are NC anymore, its not even something I would consider asking.

 

I think that the biggest motivation is that this woman has no idea that she was betrayed by ME - knowingly sleeping with a man who was M. Ultimately I just want to apologize for making such a stupid mistake.

I was talking about the W. Not you. I'm pretty sure that those of us who know that we are in a nonmonogomous relationship know enough to do what we should. Sorry if you thought I was assuming that you were the one not getting checked.

[justice]

As the betrayed wife, I would have wanted to know.

I felt that I had a right to know so that I could make an informed decision.

My now xh and his ow never fully came clean. It did make a lot of difference and perhaps that is why we are now divorced, had there of been truth in the place of lies, we may have been able to work it out.

She has a right to know.

[Lookingforward]

As the betrayed wife, I would have wanted to know.

I felt that I had a right to know so that I could make an informed decision.

My now xh and his ow never fully came clean. It did make a lot of difference and perhaps that is why we are now divorced, had there of been truth in the place of lies, we may have been able to work it out.

She has a right to know.

 

But that said, would you have felt the same if the truth had come from the OW rather than your H ? The OW really has no obligation for the truth to the BS but the H does.

 

I would think learning the truth from the OW if the MM didn't admit it on his own would be just another nail in the coffin of any attempt to reconcile the M ?

[LucreziaBorgia]

What does it mean when the spouse knows about the OW/OM and does absolutely nothing? Goes on with life as if nothing is going on.

 

It means the spouse doesn't see the OW/OM worth enough to break a marriage up over. Sometimes the pros of staying married outweigh the cons of OW/OM having been in the picture. I guess it comes down to asking yourself this: which is more important, the emotional/physical/monetary investment of the marriage over a lifetime, or the relative bump in the road that was the affair?

 

If you had cancer, and had only a tumor - would you kill yourself even if it was treatable? Many spouses see the affair as a treatable cancer within the marriage. Something that can be rooted out, destroyed, and recovered (albeit painfully) from eventually.

 

Some spouses just wait it out, as affairs usually just run their course and end (unless there are OC involved, and that is a whole 'nother basket o' eggs so to speak) - particularly in a case of a serial MM/MW - the spouse knows that they will always come home in the end. A good deal of these types are content with what they have and benefit from and can overlook the outside sex, because in the grand scheme of things it just isn't worth the trouble to worry about. They still benefit in more ways than the OW/OM ever will (that is how some see it anyway).

[Lookingforward]

While this is a good point, maybe the OP here realizes how much pain and hurt she has caused--which is why she is considering telling the BS.

 

Well, I'm back and forth with this one. I always recommend asking the cheater to come clean first. If he or she refuses, then you can make an adult decision on your own, but don't expect a goody bag when you are finished telling him or her all the dirty details of your affair. Also expect the BS to blame you, beome out of line, cry, or whatever because you are loading that person with a Lot at that very moment you tell them.

 

I would want to know--I don't care who tells me; I would just want to know. So if you yourself would want to know--no matter whom it is that tells you, then you do the same for this woman.

 

It's not the OP that is causing pain and suffering to the BS by having an affair, that is ALL on the MP. The only way the OP causes it is by telling the BS, in my opinion.

 

It's really not the OP's place to ask the cheater to come clean with the BS, unless the MP has been making promises to the OP that they are going to have a future together.

 

To answer the OP post, I don't believe there is ever a time it is justifiable unless there are strong legal or health reasons the BS should know, and that would be rare I would think.

[Lookingforward]

Then let it go. You aren't in his life anymore, nor hers. The A is over...Don't open this door, keep it shut and locked.

 

Because of that NC, you do NOT know the state of his marriage, or what is going on in their life in general. It is unfair of you now after 6 months to go tell.

 

Forgive yourself, seek counselling so you can move past this and forgive yourself.

 

Exactly wwiu. Imagine having this dropped on you out of the blue 6 months after the A ended. For all the OP knows, he HAS already told her. For the exOW to tell now is self serving in the extreme.

[Lookingforward]

which is more important, the emotional/physical/monetary investment of the marriage over a lifetime, or the relative bump in the road that was the affair?

 

That phrase struck me as funny as that is what I told my MM after he returned to the M and his "old life". "So basically while I thought we were on the road to a new life together,instead I was just a speed bump in yours"

 

After he left I sure felt like I'd been run over like a speed bump.

[Owl]

Lizzie said:

 

No..no I have a problem when the person is honest ONLY when it suits them to be honest..

 

Why didn't she tell the W.. WHILE she was having the A..

 

I stand by my pov.. it is 'miserable' and 'loser' to kiss and tell.. and I hate miserable people.. period..

 

So what do you consider happens with all those MM you spend your time with? You think they're being honest with their wives about the time they spend with you? They're only being honest (maybe!) with YOU...because it suits them to be honest then to get what they want. Then they go home and lie their teeth out.

 

I think its pretty bad to justify lying and dishonesty only when it suits them as well. But isn't this what nearly every single MM/MW involved in an affair does? And this isn't exactly what every OW encourages (if not through word, through deed?)? Isn't this exactly what YOU encouage for each of those MM as well.

 

If the dishonesty and lying is such an issue for you...how do you rationalize sleeping with all of these men that lie to their wives about being with you?

[Owl]

To the OP...if you were still involved in the affair, or had JUST ended it and gone to NC, I'd tell you to contact her, get it all out in the open, and use it to break the cycle of the affair.

 

But that's not where you're at right now. NC has been in place for six months...anything you do at this point is only going to restart the drama that went on during the affair...raise the possibility that she could kick him out or whatever...and even potentially lead to the resumption of the affair.

 

He's out of your life. The affair is past. Let it go.

 

While that's not fair to his wife to live the rest of her life in ignorance of what happened, that's probably BETTER than renewing contact with him and risking the whole thing starting over again. Neither choice is great, but this is the best of the two options, IMHO.

[Owl]

I stand by my pov.. it is 'miserable' and 'loser' to kiss and tell.. and I hate miserable people.. period..

 

Wanted to add...I partially agree with you.

 

I think its 'miserable' and 'loser' to kiss...

 

 

The telling part is the only action afterwards that starts to remove that person from the 'miserable' and 'loser' categories. Its the first HONEST action that they've taken up to this point.

 

I don't hate 'miserable' people...but I do feel that they'll do a lot better to learn from their actions and eventually learn to become honest, even when it DOESN'T suit them.

[justice]

But that said, would you have felt the same if the truth had come from the OW rather than your H ? The OW really has no obligation for the truth to the BS but the H does.

 

I would think learning the truth from the OW if the MM didn't admit it on his own would be just another nail in the coffin of any attempt to reconcile the M ?

 

I would have felt the same. I wanted the truth no matter where it came from. Granted, coming from her I would have wanted some additional proof. I asked her several times to tell me her side of it. And all I got was the good old three D from her, even though she did give me small tidbits of information without realizing it. And yes, it was a big nail in the coffin.

[justice]

It's not the OP that is causing pain and suffering to the BS by having an affair, that is ALL on the MP. The only way the OP causes it is by telling the BS, in my opinion.

 

It's really not the OP's place to ask the cheater to come clean with the BS, unless the MP has been making promises to the OP that they are going to have a future together.

 

To answer the OP post, I don't believe there is ever a time it is justifiable unless there are strong legal or health reasons the BS should know, and that would be rare I would think.

 

I'm sorry but I have a difference of opinion there, if the OP wouldn't be seeing and or sleeping with another person's spouse, there would be no cause for pain or suffering on anyone's behalf. And I believe the blame lies with all parties involved, not just one.

[justice]

I'm sorry, but I disagree. The MM's CHEATING is at the expense of the W. The knowledge she would gain about his behavior would allow her to make an informed decision regarding staying or not.

 

 

I agree with you one hundred and ten percent.

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry, but I disagree. The MM's CHEATING is at the expense of the W. The knowledge she would gain about his behavior would allow her to make an informed decision regarding staying or not.

 

I don't disagree with you at all, but her telling now, 6 months later is at the expense of the wife so she (OP) can feel better and get on with her life.

[beta]

not sure....I'm thinking not. I know you might want to know but maybe you dont?