Is there ever a time when it's OK....

[PinkKittyKat]

I understand that it is world-life-changing information. And I understand that MY guilt should not be the reason to do it. But, shouldn't she have all the information available to her (whether it comes from me or him) to make a decision on where she wants to go from here? Regardless of the source, it will still destroy the life she is living. But in reality her life as she know it has been destroyed anyway - just without her knowledge.

 

I seem to be in the minority here, but I agree with you here. Wholeheartedly.

If I had a H who was cheating and he wasn't 'fessing up, I'd want SOMEONE to tell me! Her not knowing doesn't negate the problem.

[Lizzie60]

To tell the wife about the affair? I have been in an affair for about 3 years now (2 years as an EA, 1 year in full blown PA). I ended it a few months ago. I have been lurking and reading the posts and I keep reading about how the OW should not tell the BS. Do you think that there is EVER a time that the OW should say something? I know that I have gone back in forth in my mind as thinking why I should and shouldn't - and ultimately will not do it, but is there ever a justifiable reason to tell?

 

NO... NO.. and NO .. DO NOT TELL HIS WIFE..

 

Only miserable people would tell..

 

I hate 'kiss and tell' people.. when it's not OK to tell them when the A is going full swing.. but once it's over.. then it's time to tell.... really... this is a 'loser's mind'...

 

My ONLY advice : DO NOT KISS AND TELL!!!! period!

[nadiaj2727]

To tell the wife about the affair? I have been in an affair for about 3 years now (2 years as an EA, 1 year in full blown PA). I ended it a few months ago. I have been lurking and reading the posts and I keep reading about how the OW should not tell the BS. Do you think that there is EVER a time that the OW should say something? I know that I have gone back in forth in my mind as thinking why I should and shouldn't - and ultimately will not do it, but is there ever a justifiable reason to tell?

 

I feel that the "time" to do whatever you think is right is... whenever you think it is right, and that the only thing that can tell you what to do about this is your deep inner conscience. Unknowngal if you truly feel this is the right thing to do, then do it. It doesn't matter what anyone else's opinion is if you know in your heart/ gut you are doing it because you feel sorry for your actions and you feel she has the right to know (it's like the golden rule... you wouldn't want someone to sleep with your husband. But if they did, you would want someone -- probably even OW -- to tell you.)

 

So, for once, I disagree with WWIU on this. I think that honesty is always the best policy... yes, you did something wrong and at the time, you wanted to cover it up. Why does that mean you should STILL cover up your wrong-doing? The wife is still in the dark while you are xMM have the truth. It is never too late to start doing the right thing and start telling the truth.

 

I also don't think that telling her because you feel guilty is a bad reason. By acknowledging your past bad decisions and getting the TRUTH out, you will be able to move on, and she can truly be in charge of her own destiny for the first time since her husband decided to be in an affair with you and you decided to help do that.

 

I am a former OW, haven't been married, so I know that perhaps I'm not the best one to give advice on this. I also don't know if I can follow my own advice because I've felt the same guilt/ feeling that the right thing to do is tell her, and I still haven't. But I think that *most* of the former betrayed spouses on here would say that they would want to know no matter how they found out... even if it was from the OW (although of course, they would be angry and at OW on top of their hurt about the affair, so don't expect her to thank you for it, forgive you, etc.) I have talked to some about it and this is what they have told me.

 

Regardless of what ANYONE says though -- BS, OW, people who have never been either, etc. -- back to my original point, it all comes down to what you feel is the best thing in your heart for you to do, and what you truly think is best for her. I'm sure since your affair is over and you feel guilt, you've learned by now to listen to your conscience over your emotions (desire for revenge, etc.). If you conscience tells you to do, you should do it. And only you know what your conscience is telling you.

 

Best wishes.

[nadiaj2727]

NO... NO.. and NO .. DO NOT TELL HIS WIFE..

 

Only miserable people would tell..

 

I hate 'kiss and tell' people.. when it's not OK to tell them when the A is going full swing.. but once it's over.. then it's time to tell.... really... this is a 'loser's mind'...

 

My ONLY advice : DO NOT KISS AND TELL!!!! period!

 

Well it's good to see you have standards and morals about SOMETHING.

 

I think it is much better to tell the truth than live a lie (or always help other people live lies).

[mistresswchildren]

I'm not sure that this question has an answer. I think that it all depends on the woman. I would want to be told if the situation was reversed, but not everybody is that way. I'm not sure what to tell you. Do what you really feel is right. I think that you really need to think about that though because it almost seems like you have an agenda of your own. Why is it that important to you to tell her NOW? If it were that important, you would have told her in the beginning. I'm not judging because I know the feeling, but it seems like you want to see what kind of bump you can throw out on the road. Will she leave him? Odds are no. Even if she does, do you really want this guy? I have learned a lot here. You should really listen to what people are saying even if it isn't what you want to hear. Just think about all of this before you make your situation more dramatic than it is already. If you are really ready to move on, then move on. Don't dwell in his life. That is what you would be doing if you told his W. You are worth more than the drama. Rise above it and get on with your life. The guilt is his to bear now. A cheater is always caught, and trust me, you will not be the last person that this man cheats with. His W will find out in the end, and you will have moved on with your life. He will not be able to crawl back to you at that point. He will get exactly what he deserves.

[nadiaj2727]

Only miserable people would tell..

 

I hate 'kiss and tell' people.. when it's not OK to tell them when the A is going full swing.. but once it's over.. then it's time to tell.... really... this is a 'loser's mind'...

 

 

I meant to add, but it wouldn't let me edit--

 

Lizzie how come the only people you "hate" and are judgmental about (losers... miserable...) are the people who are actually telling the truth?? Sounds like you have a real problem with people who are HONEST but no problem with cheating, lying married men.

[whichwayisup]

I think that honesty is always the best policy... yes, you did something wrong and at the time, you wanted to cover it up. Why does that mean you should STILL cover up your wrong-doing?

 

Because she isn't married to MM's wife. She didn't 'think' of the wife or her feelings while having an affair and now that it's over, she feels bad - She feels guilty..She wants to relieve her guilt. BUT as I said earlier, part of the consquence of having an affair is living with the afterwards. She thinks that she'll feel better once the wife knows? Well, then she SHOULD tell. BUT, if she tells, then she has to deal with the fallout of telling. She can't just tell and run away and not answer questions, ignore the MM's wife and not answer her questions, or not talk to her. She will also have to deal with MM's venting too as he will hate her for spilling it to his wife.

[Gwyneth]

NO... NO.. and NO .. DO NOT TELL HIS WIFE..

 

Only miserable people would tell..

 

I hate 'kiss and tell' people.. when it's not OK to tell them when the A is going full swing.. but once it's over.. then it's time to tell.... really... this is a 'loser's mind'...

 

My ONLY advice : DO NOT KISS AND TELL!!!! period!

 

I respect your opinion, but I disagree. I think it's courageous and also right when you do tell. I don't think one is a Loser because they tell. I would probably hate the person who tells me to begin with--especially if she is the culprit, but in the end, I would Really appreciate that person, whether or not they had good intentions of telling me. Because in the end, they did the right thing--they let me in on a big, dark, sinful secret.

[Lizzie60]

I meant to add, but it wouldn't let me edit--

 

Lizzie how come the only people you "hate" and are judgmental about (losers... miserable...) are the people who are actually telling the truth?? Sounds like you have a real problem with people who are HONEST but no problem with cheating, lying married men.

 

 

No..no I have a problem when the person is honest ONLY when it suits them to be honest..

 

Why didn't she tell the W.. WHILE she was having the A..

 

I stand by my pov.. it is 'miserable' and 'loser' to kiss and tell.. and I hate miserable people.. period..

[Lizzie60]

aahh-ha... she's not even married... then that's even worse..

 

I am single.. and imagine if I had an A or many A.. and would go on.. telling all the W about their H.. it would be depiscable... I could lure MM and then go tell their W.. that would be a 'miserable' thing to do..

 

This is waaayyy too easy to ruin people's lives.. (W, children).. and it's the lowest of the low.. IMO.

[UnknownGal]

Because she isn't married to MM's wife. She didn't 'think' of the wife or her feelings while having an affair and now that it's over, she feels bad - She feels guilty..She wants to relieve her guilt. BUT as I said earlier, part of the consquence of having an affair is living with the afterwards. She thinks that she'll feel better once the wife knows? Well, then she SHOULD tell. BUT, if she tells, then she has to deal with the fallout of telling. She can't just tell and run away and not answer questions, ignore the MM's wife and not answer her questions, or not talk to her. She will also have to deal with MM's venting too as he will hate her for spilling it to his wife.

 

I did think of the wife and her feelings once the affair became physical. I didn't realize that I was having an EA until I started reading these posts and that is when I realized that it had been going on for so long. I do not think that I will feel better after telling. I KNOW that things will be bad and I will have to live with the fallout of telling. I know that I will have to deal with her and her questions. I know that I will have to deal with him as well. I suppose I feel more guilty at the fact that I didn't get caught. I have not had to deal with the consequences of my actions other than the daily beating I give myself for doing what I did.

[UnknownGal]

I could lure MM and then go tell their W.

 

No one was "lured" into anything. We both made the decisions that we did. Although I chose to be with him, in no way did I "lure" him into an A.

[Gwyneth]

No one was "lured" into anything. We both made the decisions that we did. Although I chose to be with him, in no way did I "lure" him into an A.

 

I don't think Lizzie is saying you are luring--I think she used that word for herself.

[Gwyneth]

But I do think that if you feel you need to or want to tell the wife, you should. Honesty is the best policy--whether it suits you or not, you would be doing the right thing by telling the BS.

 

You should pose a question for the BSs around here and ask them how they would have felt if the mistress / mister told them about the affair instead of their spouse.

[Lizzie60]

I did think of the wife and her feelings once the affair became physical. I didn't realize that I was having an EA until I started reading these posts and that is when I realized that it had been going on for so long. I do not think that I will feel better after telling. I KNOW that things will be bad and I will have to live with the fallout of telling. I know that I will have to deal with her and her questions. I know that I will have to deal with him as well. I suppose I feel more guilty at the fact that I didn't get caught. I have not had to deal with the consequences of my actions other than the daily beating I give myself for doing what I did.

 

But.. obviously, you didn't think hard enough about her feelings.. ...

 

I didn't realize that I was having an EA until I started reading these posts

 

Huh???? - no comments..

 

I think your motives to tell her is just about vengeance..

[whichwayisup]

I did think of the wife and her feelings once the affair became physical

 

Yet you continued the physical affair for one year.

 

I have not had to deal with the consequences of my actions other than the daily beating I give myself for doing what I did.

 

So because you feel you need to suffer, to feel the consquences, you want the BS to hurt as well? To devastate her, turn their kids lives upside so you can feel worse about your choice in a 3 year affair, one of those years a physical one?

 

It's your choice obviously, just be sure this is what you want to do. Take the time to really think about it. Even seek some counselling to help you because the other thing is, you have NO idea how she will react. People do crazy things when pushed past their emotional limit, so please keep that in mind too.

[Mustang Sally]

But I do think that if you feel you need to or want to tell the wife, you should. Honesty is the best policy--whether it suits you or not, you would be doing the right thing by telling the BS.

I disagree.

 

I think any "telling" (righteously motivated, or otherwise) that is going to be done should come from the BS's husband.

 

I think you (as the affair partner) telling her is just another way to assuage guilt, and thus (even if not intended in a malicious way) ease your own personal burden - ultimately at the expense of another person (the BS).

 

I mean, seriously. Consider for a moment how much insult-to-injury it would be to hear not only that your spouse was cheating, but - to top it all off - have to hear it from the woman that he was cheating with?

 

Just my opinion.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[GreenEyedLady]

To tell the wife about the affair? I have been in an affair for about 3 years now (2 years as an EA, 1 year in full blown PA). I ended it a few months ago. I have been lurking and reading the posts and I keep reading about how the OW should not tell the BS. Do you think that there is EVER a time that the OW should say something? I know that I have gone back in forth in my mind as thinking why I should and shouldn't - and ultimately will not do it, but is there ever a justifiable reason to tell?

 

The only time I think it would be ok is if he gave you an STD or it's something you feel you MUST do in order to move on...

 

But I am of the camp of not telling...It's just a pandora's box and someone gets hurt who might not have...

[Gwyneth]

The only time I think it would be ok is if he gave you an STD or it's something you feel you MUST do in order to move on...

 

But I am of the camp of not telling...It's just a pandora's box and someone gets hurt who might not have...

 

But don't you think this dirty, sinful, dark secret is also a pandora's box? The BS should find out, and if her "faithful" and "honest" spouse isn't going to tell her, then someone needs to. Sometimes the lover will tell out of guilt--as a way of reconcilliation.

 

It's similiar to how a recovering drug addict or alcoholic will, in one of their steps, make ammends, and apologize for wrong doing. Well, that's how I see it at least.

[Mustang Sally]

It's similiar to how a recovering drug addict or alcoholic will, in one of their steps, make ammends, and apologize for wrong doing. Well, that's how I see it at least.

Except in this instance, both parties are already aware of the wrong that has been done them. The offender is merely acknowledging it and apologizing. Quite different from an unknowing BS being informed by an affair partner.

[GreenEyedLady]

But don't you think this dirty, sinful, dark secret is also a pandora's box? The BS should find out, and if her "faithful" and "honest" spouse isn't going to tell her, then someone needs to. Sometimes the lover will tell out of guilt--as a way of reconcilliation.

 

It's similiar to how a recovering drug addict or alcoholic will, in one of their steps, make ammends, and apologize for wrong doing. Well, that's how I see it at least.

 

I think I've made it clear on all the "Tell the W: yes or no" threads that I do not think one should ever tell the W...It's not the OW's place...And alot of times it's done just because the OW wasn't chosen, not for the good of the W...

[whichwayisup]

But don't you think this dirty, sinful, dark secret is also a pandora's box? The BS should find out, and if her "faithful" and "honest" spouse isn't going to tell her, then someone needs to. Sometimes the lover will tell out of guilt--as a way of reconcilliation.

If this is truly how you feel, then why aren't you telling you MM's wife the truth about your affair with him and the fact you're carrying his baby? Someone needs to tell and you know your MM is NOT going to confess anything to his wife.

[mistresswchildren]

WWIU

Forget about Gwyn for a second. I realize that you all seem to think that she is wrong about a lot, but that isn't helping anyone else. This thread is not about her. What is your opinion on the situation at hand? You always have something wise to say, and I think that people can really benefit from that. What would you do? I'm not sure what I do, but maybe I do not have as much experience in all of this. I know what I did, and I do not think it was the right thing. I told her. It wasn't planned out like this though. I had no intention of flat out telling her the way I did, it was sheer shock that made me do it. I'm just wondering if OP has other motives in mind.

[Gwyneth]

If this is truly how you feel, then why aren't you telling you MM's wife the truth about your affair with him and the fact you're carrying his baby? Someone needs to tell and you know your MM is NOT going to confess anything to his wife.

 

He very well knows I'll have my lawyer tell his W if he doesn't grow some nads and tell her himself.

 

If the Spouse doesn't tell the BS, then whom should?

 

I'm just saying not every ex-lover tells the BS out of anger--some do tell because they f eel awful, selfish, and / or a great deal of guilt.

[nymphetgrown]

The only time I think it would be ok is if he gave you an STD

 

In that case, I'd feel obligated, no matter when he says he last had sex with his wife. AIDS and syphilis both have long incubation periods; if you test positive, how many other women is he infecting? And if he's giving them HIV knowingly, in some states, that's a crime.