He's still having doubts.

[marlena]

What else can I do to help me feel better?[/quote

 

Send him a text telling him you are off to the gym and that you'll talk later. Then, go to the gym and after that out for some shopping therapy- even if it is only make-up!!!

[Ariadne]

What else can I do to help me feel better? What do you guys do when you want a rapid drastic mood change?

 

Get drunk?

[Kamille]

Get drunk?

 

 

Good one!

 

Pass. I don't want a case of the gin blues.

[sandflea]

Get drunk?

 

Wisdom - pure and simple. That's AFTER the splif....

[Kamille]

Wisdom - pure and simple. That's AFTER the splif....

 

pass. The splif. over here.

 

I haven't smoked in so long, I wouldn't where to start to find one.

[Nevermind]

Thread yourself to something fabulous. Some rich cheesecake or strawberry cake with with chocolate on top. Don't binge on cheap stuff, eat something yummy and great which you'd norally wouldn't eat. Be good to yourself, invite a girl friend along and end the day with something good.

[Kamille]

I was thinking about why I seemed to turn the page so easily:

 

it boils down to:

 

I choose to be with him.

 

When I said I wanted to give us a second chance, to me it meant I was all in. It suddenly became clear to me that I did love him, that I wanted him in my life and that I wanted to find ways to work though our issues. That I firmly believed that we could.

 

It's probably why it is so hard for me to hear him speak of 'testing things out' and 'doubts'.

[Kamille]

Thread yourself to something fabulous. Some rich cheesecake or strawberry cake with with chocolate on top. Don't binge on cheap stuff, eat something yummy and great which you'd norally wouldn't eat. Be good to yourself, invite a girl friend along and end the day with something good.

 

hihihi, I will thread myself to your lovely advice!

 

Guys, thank you so much for the support, opinions and advice, all of you.

[Nevermind]

Hihi.

 

[dreamergrl]

 

 

 

 

I asked him what his doubts were about and he couldn't answer me. He said that he couldn't really pinpoint it and that he felt like it would be counterproductive to go digging for a problem. There is the upcoming move that seems to be making him feel pressure to decide. We had discussed moving together and this is mostly what he his having doubts about. He is afraid that we would move together and everything would fall apart.

 

Perhaps it would best best to put off the moving in together for a bit. It is hard to regain confidence in a relationship after a break up and reuniting. He has fears of moving in together because the last time that slowly started happening, you guys broke up. Perhaps his doubts lie there because he rather not lose you again then move in together? Just a thought...

 

Forgive me, I got a bit confused when you mentioned going to AA - and I'm sorry if I missed any clarification. Do you have issues with drinking as well, or are you going to show support and understand his problem with drinking?

[blind_otter]

Forgive me, I got a bit confused when you mentioned going to AA - and I'm sorry if I missed any clarification. Do you have issues with drinking as well, or are you going to show support and understand his problem with drinking?

 

She goes to Al-Anon, not AA. Google it.

[Kamille]

Perhaps it would best best to put off the moving in together for a bit. It is hard to regain confidence in a relationship after a break up and reuniting. He has fears of moving in together because the last time that slowly started happening, you guys broke up. Perhaps his doubts lie there because he rather not lose you again then move in together? Just a thought...

 

Forgive me, I got a bit confused when you mentioned going to AA - and I'm sorry if I missed any clarification. Do you have issues with drinking as well, or are you going to show support and understand his problem with drinking?

 

Well, I think somewhere in the back of each our mind, we believe that it's either moving to that other city together, or letting things go for good. If we don't move to the same city, we would be living 6 hours apart. Considering things are rocky now, I think the stakes are high for either distance or moving in.

 

Most of my friends are like: there's no rush, distance will be a good test on your R, etc. but I just don't get how. For me it is clear that distance would only complicate things further.

 

We haven't really talked about it all, because I am still waiting to find out if I have the option to move in the same city where he is moving. My research team was awarded a grant, and we need to figure out who will be where, doing what, when. I will find this out Mid April. He wants to go appartment hunting in May and figures that he wouldn't be looking for the same kind of appartment if we decide to move together.

 

I have told him already that my desire was for us to be able to move together. He said yesterday that he wants to want that.

 

I am not going to move there unless he knows he wants that.

[dreamergrl]

She goes to Al-Anon, not AA. Google it.

 

Sorry - I saw Al and read it in my head as short for alcohol - simple mistake. Wasn't done intentional.

[Kamille]

Sorry - I saw Al and read it in my head as short for alcohol - simple mistake. Wasn't done intentional.

 

No worries. My only two addictions are cafeine and LS.

[dreamergrl]

Well, I think somewhere in the back of each our mind, we believe that it's either moving to that other city together, or letting things go for good. If we don't move to the same city, we would be living 6 hours apart. Considering things are rocky now, I think the stakes are high for either distance or moving in.

 

Most of my friends are like: there's no rush, distance will be a good test on your R, etc. but I just don't get how. For me it is clear that distance would only complicate things further.

 

We haven't really talked about it all, because I am still waiting to find out if I have the option to move in the same city where he is moving. My research team was awarded a grant, and we need to figure out who will be where, doing what, when. I will find this out Mid April. He wants to go appartment hunting in May and figures that he wouldn't be looking for the same kind of appartment if we decide to move together.

 

I have told him already that my desire was for us to be able to move together. He said yesterday that he wants to want that.

 

I am not going to move there unless he knows he wants that.

 

Well, if it were me, I'd see what would happen with the long distance to be honest. I'd be worried that the doubts would still be there should moving in together happen. And living side by side with someone who has doubts can be nerve racking!

 

Can you picture the doubts fading in the next few weeks - and trust they are gone?

[Kamille]

Well, if it were me, I'd see what would happen with the long distance to be honest. I'd be worried that the doubts would still be there should moving in together happen. And living side by side with someone who has doubts can be nerve racking!

 

Can you picture the doubts fading in the next few weeks - and trust they are gone?

 

The situation is kind of complicated to explain. We currently both live in city X, but I attend the University of Y and he got a job at the University of Z. I am planning on moving to either Y or Z in the next few months. I know as many people in both cities and could easily argue that I would best be able to do my job in Z then Y.

 

Y and Z are 6 hours apart. (X is over 14 hours from both).

 

I don't know if his doubts will lift in the next few weeks and I don't know if I would believe it and trust they are gone. I do have faith in him, if that makes sense, that he would be capable of pulling through.

 

If he doesn't then I guess we just weren't meant to be.

[DanielMadr]

Godamit Kamille, you cant ask heterosexual guy these questions.

Either he will lie to comfort you or he will say the truth, that he knows f*ck all whats happening. Thats how we are. We cant name our emotions exactly.

 

Im either angry or fine. Why you interogate him? It is torture really, unless a guy knows better and says "You know, I love you baby", "Hell no, you dont look fat".

 

But Im emotional dwarf so maybe Im wrong.

[dreamergrl]

The situation is kind of complicated to explain. We currently both live in city X, but I attend the University of Y and he got a job at the University of Z. I am planning on moving to either Y or Z in the next few months. I know as many people in both cities and could easily argue that I would best be able to do my job in Z then Y.

 

Y and Z are 6 hours apart. (X is over 14 hours from both).

 

I don't know if his doubts will lift in the next few weeks and I don't know if I would believe it and trust they are gone. I do have faith in him, if that makes sense, that he would be capable of pulling through.

 

If he doesn't then I guess we just weren't meant to be.

 

6 hours away is far for sure - but imagine moving to Z and it not working out because there are still doubts. Will you need to relocate to Y? Would you be comfortable living in Z just apart for him if things don't get better? How would you handle it if the drinking picked up more again? It sounds dumb - but do a pro and con list - weigh out the options. I find when I start writing things out I find my answer a little easier and clearer. You can organize your thoughts better.

[Kamille]

6 hours away is far for sure - but imagine moving to Z and it not working out because there are still doubts. Will you need to relocate to Y? Would you be comfortable living in Z just apart for him if things don't get better? How would you handle it if the drinking picked up more again? It sounds dumb - but do a pro and con list - weigh out the options. I find when I start writing things out I find my answer a little easier and clearer. You can organize your thoughts better.

 

Honestly, I almost expect his drinking to pick up again and get back to what it was. What I have learned is that I no longer want to be an enabler, or let his drinking affect my moods.

 

I will try to do the list, but the answer is clear in my head. I want to give us a chance.

 

And to answer the other questions: Would I need to relocate to Y, nope not need, but I most likely could if I wanted to - and it probably would be what i would do if we ended up moving to Z and things fell appart. I do have friends in Z who wouldn't let me out in the cold.

 

Let's just say I am highly mobile. In the last 10 years, I have moved to something like 8 different cities in 3 different countries, on two continents. I never moved to follow someone; this is the first time I would be willing to do this. But considering I know both Y and Z, have friends in both, have lived in both, then I'm really not seeing this as a major uprooting.

[dreamergrl]

Honestly, I almost expect his drinking to pick up again and get back to what it was. What I have learned is that I no longer want to be an enabler, or let his drinking affect my moods.

 

I will try to do the list, but the answer is clear in my head. I want to give us a chance.

 

And to answer the other questions: Would I need to relocate to Y, nope not need, but I most likely could if I wanted to - and it probably would be what i would do if we ended up moving to Z and things fell appart. I do have friends in Z who wouldn't let me out in the cold.

 

Let's just say I am highly mobile. In the last 10 years, I have moved to something like 8 different cities in 3 different countries, on two continents. I never moved to follow someone; this is the first time I would be willing to do this. But considering I know both Y and Z, have friends in both, have lived in both, then I'm really not seeing this as a major uprooting.

 

If you feel you can deal with the outcomes possible - and you feel that things can work - give it a shot. Just have a back up plan ready if things fall apart. Which it sounds like you do!

 

I do think it would be wise to have a good sit down with him before making the choice ultimately. He may not want to dig for the issues, but to clarify doubts and work on them - you both need to know and understand where they are coming from.

 

I've always been one to work hard to make things better in my relationship - so I can relate to the motivation and being able to turn the page. Sometimes it just can't get better and other times working for it pays off.

[Kamille]

I've always been one to work hard to make things better in my relationship - so I can relate to the motivation and being able to turn the page. Sometimes it just can't get better and other times working for it pays off.

 

you know what, I think I have come to have faith in my own capacity to make the decisions that are the best for me. It doesn't mean I throw caution to the wind (quite the opposite, I overanalyze everything), but just that I know that if I choose a direction that doesn't work for me, I will reorient myself.

 

I am also a firm believer in learning from one's mistakes. I was reading an old Glamour magazine at the gym where they had an article on "the science of happyness": it said that the most successful people are also the ones who fail the most often. They just have a healthy attitude toward failure. Risk nothing, you get nothing. Take a risk, you either get what you want, or you learn from your mistakes.

[dreamergrl]

you know what, I think I have come to have faith in my own capacity to make the decisions that are the best for me. It doesn't mean I throw caution to the wind (quite the opposite, I overanalyze everything), but just that I know that if I choose a direction that doesn't work for me, I will reorient myself.

 

I am also a firm believer in learning from one's mistakes. I was reading an old Glamour magazine at the gym where they had an article on "the science of happyness": it said that the most successful people are also the ones who fail the most often. They just have a healthy attitude toward failure. Risk nothing, you get nothing. Take a risk, you either get what you want, or you learn from your mistakes.

 

I wish I could be a little more like you. Risks seem to bite me in the butt (which probably shows my attitude towards failure isn't quite healthy - but I get down on my self pretty hard when I screw up) I used to take them all the time. Perhaps I was just taking the wrong ones.

 

Is that a recent issue - I'm kind of curious to read it now

 

You seem to have a good head on your shoulders - I'm sure that which ever choice you make - you'll be just fine!

 

I'm curious about something though, if you don't mind me asking. You mentioned that his drinking doesn't have an effect on his job or you? His behavior stays consistent? I've had several alcoholics run through my life, my dad, and a few bf's. I always saw such a drastic change between drinking and sober. I'm not saying that you're lying about how he is with his drinking or anything, just curious how he maintains a consistent composure. After googling the al-anon - I sure wish I had gone to that when I was dealing with the men in my life drinking a lot.

[Kamille]

I'm curious about something though, if you don't mind me asking. You mentioned that his drinking doesn't have an effect on his job or you? His behavior stays consistent? I've had several alcoholics run through my life, my dad, and a few bf's. I always saw such a drastic change between drinking and sober. I'm not saying that you're lying about how he is with his drinking or anything, just curious how he maintains a consistent composure. After googling the al-anon - I sure wish I had gone to that when I was dealing with the men in my life drinking a lot.

 

That's the thing about the whole issue of alcohol : since it had so little impact on his actions and attitudes, we just couldn't agree that it was a problem. But that's rooted in the very nature on the dependency.

 

He drinks when he gets home from work, usually from 3-5 drinks. 3-5 drinks over the course of an evening is enough to have an eventual health problems, but not enough, in his case, to really impact his attitude.

 

But it bothered me that he drank everyday and didn't want to stop, or cut back, when I expressed concerns about it. But the main reason I wanted him to cut back was so that I could be reassured. At the time I was trying to figure out what it could mean, if I could accept it, etc. I now feel that I don't need to approve of it to be able to accept him. And I now realize that it was an exercise in futility to try and get reassurance on a drinking habit from someone who might be dependant.

 

In most of the litterature on alcool abuse he would not actually classify as an alcoholic. He's on the cusp of qualifying as an alcohol abuser. He gets three 'checkmarks' out of twenty: drinking everyday, having used alcohol to forget about a problem (I saw him do this once) and the inability to cut back when someone expresses concerns about his drinking. He has since cut back, so even there.... who knows.

 

But ultimately, it isn't up to me to decide that he has a problem, unless it impacts my life. I have shared my concerns. It is up to him to lead his life how he sees best. It is up to me to decide if I can accept it into my life. I feel that I can - especially with the support of Al Anon.

[dreamergrl]

That's the thing about the whole issue of alcohol : since it had so little impact on his actions and attitudes, we just couldn't agree that it was a problem. But that's rooted in the very nature on the dependency.

 

He drinks when he gets home from work, usually from 3-5 drinks. 3-5 drinks over the course of an evening is enough to have an eventual health problems, but not enough, in his case, to really impact his attitude.

 

But it bothered me that he drank everyday and didn't want to stop, or cut back, when I expressed concerns about it. But the main reason I wanted him to cut back was so that I could be reassured. At the time I was trying to figure out what it could mean, if I could accept it, etc. I now feel that I don't need to approve of it to be able to accept him. And I now realize that it was an exercise in futility to try and get reassurance on a drinking habit from someone who might be dependant.

 

In most of the litterature on alcool abuse he would not actually classify as an alcoholic. He's on the cusp of qualifying as an alcohol abuser. He gets three 'checkmarks' out of twenty: drinking everyday, having used alcohol to forget about a problem (I saw him do this once) and the inability to cut back when someone expresses concerns about his drinking. He has since cut back, so even there.... who knows.

 

But ultimately, it isn't up to me to decide that he has a problem, unless it impacts my life. I have shared my concerns. It is up to him to lead his life how he sees best. It is up to me to decide if I can accept it into my life. I feel that I can - especially with the support of Al Anon.

 

If his attitude and composure changed when drinking, would you still be able to accept him for who he is?

 

I think it's amazing that you have the quality to accept him for the person he is, even though it's something you don't approve of or agree with. I also think while you disagree on the issue - you can still find it possible to work through the relationship - as a great aspect.

[Kamille]

If his attitude and composure changed when drinking, would you still be able to accept him for who he is?

 

I think it's amazing that you have the quality to accept him for the person he is, even though it's something you don't approve of or agree with. I also think while you disagree on the issue - you can still find it possible to work through the relationship - as a great aspect.

 

That's a good question dreamergrl.

 

It depends what kind of changes we are talking about. This is purely hypothetical. If he became angry, or beratting, or uncaring, or disrespectful in anyway, no I couldn't accept it. If he hit me, I'm out. If it started impacting his work, I would need to reevaluate a lot of things.