Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 J: I picked up the phone hoping he would just burst out with explanations or something..I don't have a lot of strength because loneliness has a way of depleting my strength...as far as the "sham of renewed vows", they have been married for more than 35 years and I was told they have not had any physical (sex) relationship for at 10 AND GET THIS....he never ever cheated before... and I believed it...why...because his wife is they type of person who says things like "sex is not edifying to God and that is not what God had in mind for all people", she says things like that...I've heard her... Yet...he stays with her. He has a choice in all of this. His choice was to humiliate you and your R (and himself and his W) in a church by renewing vows. His choice is to remain in that relationship. However, he doesn't have a choice in continuing a relationship with you...unless you allow it. Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Nadia: First, let me say, I'm in my mid 50s and lonely. Single men??? Where??? Decent men??? Where??? I love him because he is caring in his way...he's consistent, something I have never had and he at least "acts" concerned for me, at least he did once.... I can't pretend to understand that situation. Maybe I'm an optimist but I believe there are good men out there in their 50's or older who are divorced, widowed, or otherwise single. I'm in a writer's group with a man who is around 60, divorced, retired... he is very nice, attractive, and creative. I am just giving one example and hoping maybe you could join some groups and see if you find a nice single man. But I do understand that it's hard. It does seem that most man are married by that age... however, I keep hearing that more than 50% of marriages end in divorce now... so there have to be some divorced guys out there! Or unfortunately their wife could have passed on. Perhaps at a different church their are single men like this... I guess I would also suggest that perhaps it is better to be on your own than in a relationship with this man. It doesn't seem like he cares for you consistently anymore. If it's a choice between being treated badly or being on your own, just be on your own and take great care of yourself and your sons. You are lucky to have them. They sound like great blessings. So maybe focus on yourself and your family and your friends if there are no single guys to date. There are probably community or church groups you can join to meet more people. I'm sorry for your pain, I'm trying to think of ways to help.... best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author precious1357 Posted March 31, 2008 Author Share Posted March 31, 2008 N, Wow! thank you, thank you, thank you!!! Your absolutely correct...I will surely take you up on your help...I was "single" for 10 years before this situation...oh well, I hope your right...MM made promises and was attentive... Link to post Share on other sites
Author precious1357 Posted March 31, 2008 Author Share Posted March 31, 2008 (edited) Yet...he stays with her. He has a choice in all of this. His choice was to humiliate you and your R (and himself and his W) in a church by renewing vows. His choice is to remain in that relationship. However, he doesn't have a choice in continuing a relationship with you...unless you allow it. Je, your right...i'm humiliated enough...Tell me, how does a person who says their so religious and Godly end up being a cheater??? On one hand he acts like he is the perfect christian husband, father, churchman, etc. and then he's a cheater on the other hand...how??? Edited March 31, 2008 by precious1357 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 your right...i'm humiliated enough...Tell me, how does a person who says their so religious and Godly end up being a cheater??? On one hand he acts like he is the perfect christian husband, father, churchman, etc. and then he's a cheater on the other hand...how??? By spending your time and effort focusing on this, you're prolonging the affair. Sure, you're not sleeping with him anymore...but you're still wasting time/effort/cycles of thought spent worrying about HIM...HIS emotions, HIS actions...etc... Stop. Start focusing on YOU. And your boys. Anything else is a waste of what God has given you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author precious1357 Posted March 31, 2008 Author Share Posted March 31, 2008 By spending your time and effort focusing on this, you're prolonging the affair. Sure, you're not sleeping with him anymore...but you're still wasting time/effort/cycles of thought spent worrying about HIM...HIS emotions, HIS actions...etc... Stop. Start focusing on YOU. And your boys. Anything else is a waste of what God has given you. Owl: Good point...sorry, I'm human...i have feelings and i love him, so i just can't jump as quick as one might like...wasting time, not so, i have good and bads thoughts, cycles, etc...i have had 10 years of loneliness and I've made it thru with my sons...so...thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Je, your right...i'm humiliated enough...Tell me, how does a person who says their so religious and Godly end up being a cheater??? On one hand he acts like he is the perfect christian husband, father, churchman, etc. and then he's a cheater on the other hand...how??? I don't know. But some might ask how a person who says they're religious and Godly ends up enabling a cheater. Owl is right that by focusing on HIS actions and beliefs, you are not starting your own healing process. There is no way to exlpain a cheater. Some of them have so many issues. So just look to yourself and try to understand and explain your behavior and determine to stop it. Do you believe in marriage vows? If so, why did you think it was okay for you to help him break his? Do you feel sorry for any pain you have caused his wife? (These are just examples of questions to ask yourself and reflect on... you don't have to answer them here of course). Try to focus on your own emotions and beliefs, and the affect that your own actions have had on your own life as well as on the lives of others. I'm glad my post with the suggestion about being single helped you. See -- 10 years on your own and you did just fine! That's admirable! You sound like a strong person, you don't need this guy dragging you down. And just think of it this way -- the longer your heart and brain is wrapped around this guy, the more chances you'll miss out to meet a single guy, because you yourself won't be single! So walk away from him and take this time to focus on yourself and to become happy on your own. If you do meet a man, you will have so many good things to share with him, because coming through all of this will have made you a lot stronger! (hug) Link to post Share on other sites
Author precious1357 Posted March 31, 2008 Author Share Posted March 31, 2008 Do you believe in marriage vows? If so, why did you think it was okay for you to help him break his? Do you feel sorry for any pain you have caused his wife? Nadia: I do believe and no I never thought it was okay...i did it...i believed they would be divorcing...pain i caused his wife...many times i wanted to apologize to her, write her a letter of apology or something but that might make her feel worse and knowing her she would just gloat...i'm focusing on me and mine. thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Nadia: I do believe and no I never thought it was okay...i did it...i believed they would be divorcing...pain i caused his wife...many times i wanted to apologize to her, write her a letter of apology or something but that might make her feel worse and knowing her she would just gloat...i'm focusing on me and mine. thanks. I understand, I was once in a similar situation, as xMM told me they were separated and getting a mutual divorce. Now I realize that still didn't make it right, and that it wasn't even true. So I've been in the same boat. You will be okay, I promise. Just keep focusing on yourself, not him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author precious1357 Posted March 31, 2008 Author Share Posted March 31, 2008 Nadia: Thanks, well the day is coming to an end and I'm haven't cried in the last hour. THAT'S A GOOD THING!!! FOCUS, FOCUS, FOCUS!! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Owl: Good point...sorry, I'm human...i have feelings and i love him, so i just can't jump as quick as one might like...wasting time, not so, i have good and bads thoughts, cycles, etc...i have had 10 years of loneliness and I've made it thru with my sons...so...thanks. Realize I'm not bashing you here. What you feel is understandable. And getting 'over it' isn't something that happens overnight. I know that. I'm suggesting that you think about what I said, and think about ways that you can get to that point. Having people to talk to, getting MM completely out of your life...all of that. I'm not saying you're wasting time. I'm suggesting that you start looking for ways to actively heal, rather than try to let the passing of time do it for you. You'll always heal faster when you're WORKING to heal, rather than wanting to heal. No flame or attack meant in any of this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author precious1357 Posted March 31, 2008 Author Share Posted March 31, 2008 Realize I'm not bashing you here. What you feel is understandable. And getting 'over it' isn't something that happens overnight. I know that. I'm suggesting that you think about what I said, and think about ways that you can get to that point. Having people to talk to, getting MM completely out of your life...all of that. I'm not saying you're wasting time. I'm suggesting that you start looking for ways to actively heal, rather than try to let the passing of time do it for you. You'll always heal faster when you're WORKING to heal, rather than wanting to heal. No flame or attack meant in any of this. Thanks and I appreciate your words...part of my closure is admitting everything, one, cheating is wrong, two - I love him and would love to be happily married, three - he's a punk...i'll get there...thanks for your kind words. Link to post Share on other sites
Gwyneth Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Gwyneth: Tell me about it, I think the call was his way of "reassuring" me..hahaha but the damage was done...if I could just get this pain out of my heart...but you know what, he has deal with his own "reality/phonyness".. I see it as he already broke his vow by calling you--and even the same day!!!!! What a joke this guy is Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 I see it as he already broke his vow by calling you--and even the same day!!!!! What a joke this guy is Agreed. Most of the MMs I read about here are jokes. I wonder why women continue to date married men. We should have all figured this out a long time ago. Instead, it seems that a lot of us had to learn the hard way... well, as for me, I'm never again dating another joke, especially a MM!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Gwyneth Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Agreed. Most of the MMs I read about here are jokes. I wonder why women continue to date married men. We should have all figured this out a long time ago. Instead, it seems that a lot of us had to learn the hard way... well, as for me, I'm never again dating another joke, especially a MM!!! I wonder why Women continue to date MEN, period... In my experiences, and my friends', they're all the same. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Hello, Its been awhile since I've posted but this morning my heart is heavy. The church had a mass vow renewal for all married couples (man/woman). When I saw that the program was beginning I moved to the back of the auditorium closer to the doors to leave, MM stood with the group and renewed their vows and gave his wife a rose. I've never experienced the pain in my heart as I did yesterday. He called me in the afternoon and after brief chit chat, I told him (screamed) how I felt about what he did. His only reply was "are you finished". He doesn't realize how I felt at all...but I should have known better from the beginning....it was just all lies.... You should have left right away.. and not witness this celebration.. IMO Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 I wonder why Women continue to date MEN, period... In my experiences, and my friends', they're all the same. Because then the alternative would be to only date women??? :D While I think that it would probably make the date much more fun for most women, I think the afterwards might be something of a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Gwyneth Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Because then the alternative would be to only date women??? :D While I think that it would probably make the date much more fun for most women, I think the afterwards might be something of a problem. Very well so, but not for you guys, huh? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Which: Yep, I replied, yes I am..but I'm hurting because you know what, I really love him and I believe he loves me but he's stuck...he is a pleaser, he wants to please everyone, his mom, his 40 year old sons and everyone else. He isn't a pleaser. He is a liar. How could he stand in a church before God and renew vows that God set for marriage, knowing he wasn't keeping those vows. He sure isn't trying to please God. He is a joke and I would hate to be in his shoes when his mess slaps him in the face. He doesn't know what love is, if he did, he would know that the love of God comes first. What a butt. Link to post Share on other sites
Event Horizon Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 A healthy mom would be the BEST POSSIBLE bit of stability they could have in their lives, IMHO. Having one who's in emotional turmoil and unable to heal because she was sacrificing for them to see friends once a week isn't the best option I see here. I say get the secret out in the open if they're mature enough to handle it and help you heal. Let them learn from your mistake...let them be young men who can help you heal. Give them back a healthy, happy, whole mom. I have a different opinion on this. I do not believe under any circumstances should a mother be discussing her sex life with her boys. IMO, this is something to discuss with a therapist, etc.. but not your sons. Her sons have no business trying to help their mother through an affair. It's not their job nor should they be expected to have to deal with something like this. The last thing a son wants to discuss with their mother is who they are having sex with, how long it's been going on, etc.. I have firsthand experience with this and I can promise you will regret it down the road if you discuss this with your sons. E..H Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 I have a different opinion on this. I do not believe under any circumstances should a mother be discussing her sex life with her boys. IMO, this is something to discuss with a therapist, etc.. but not your sons. Her sons have no business trying to help their mother through an affair. It's not their job nor should they be expected to have to deal with something like this. The last thing a son wants to discuss with their mother is who they are having sex with, how long it's been going on, etc.. I have firsthand experience with this and I can promise you will regret it down the road if you discuss this with your sons. E..H I also have experience with this, and the experience has been completely positive. I think it depends on the age and maturity of the children. My son has been so supportive. The relationship I have with my kids has always been open and honest,except when I tried to hide how their dad was treating me. They saw it anyway, so we have grown even closer. Link to post Share on other sites
Event Horizon Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 (edited) I also have experience with this, and the experience has been completely positive. I think it depends on the age and maturity of the children. My son has been so supportive. The relationship I have with my kids has always been open and honest,except when I tried to hide how their dad was treating me. They saw it anyway, so we have grown even closer.Having an open an honest relationship with your children need not involve your personal sexual/relationship issues. There's a reason one is the parent and one is the offspring. You are supposed to be there for your kids...not the other way around. At least not regarding this kind of stuff. IMO, it's nothing but selfish to drag children into this kind of thing for support. Then again, I guess affairs, and the people that have them are selfish anyway(including me and not referencing anyone in particular). Just my opinion though.. E..H Edited March 31, 2008 by Event Horizon Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Having an open an honest relationship with your children need not involve your personal sexual/relationship issues. There's a reason one is the parent and one is the offspring. You are supposed to be there for your kids...not the other way around. At least not regarding this kind of stuff. IMO, it's nothing but selfish to drag children into this kind of thing for support. Then again, I guess affairs, and the people that have them are selfish anyway(including me and not referencing anyone in particular). Just my opinion though.. E..H I agree that people who have affairs are selfish. As a bs, I definately agree. My mom and I have the kind of relationship where we talk about everything, even about her relationship with her BF, and I guess I carried that relationship on with my children. I guess it's what you see as a boundary. Link to post Share on other sites
Event Horizon Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 (edited) I agree that people who have affairs are selfish. As a bs, I definately agree. My mom and I have the kind of relationship where we talk about everything, even about her relationship with her BF, and I guess I carried that relationship on with my children. I guess it's what you see as a boundary.Well I view a mother daughter relationship a little different anyway. In such a case I don't think what I have said applies as much. My firsthand experience in this is as the son. I supported my mother but ended up in therapy over it myself. When the therapist found out my mom told me...he hit the roof. And now look at me!!! Got involved in an affair myself years later. Her telling me sure didn't stop me from doing it. I can't say her telling me caused me to do it either...but it would be nice not to have to wonder about it. IMO, there are some things a son should NEVER know about his mother's past. (my affair, i was an OM, is over BTW, thanks in large part to this forum. I've never posted about it, but read this forum while it was going on and took the advice given to others. For that I thank all of you. I'm SO much better for it!!!) E..H Edited March 31, 2008 by Event Horizon Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted April 1, 2008 Share Posted April 1, 2008 I wonder why Women continue to date MEN, period... In my experiences, and my friends', they're all the same. Not in my experience. I have dated some wonderful men. Unfortunately in the past I got bored and I think part of me was drawn to the totally wrong type of guy -- such as lying, sleazy cheating xMM. I sure have learned a lesson -- I am going to take my time getting to know them and only stick around for the ones who treat me like a princess, honor their promises to me, etc. I assure you they are out there. We women just have to be patient and not settle for less than we deserve! Link to post Share on other sites
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