ookla_2 Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Why don't you start your own thread? Lots of great advice here! You don't always have to crash and burn to find an answer. Actually, I haven't started any thread, in a long time, because I don't want to get bashed. Silly, huh? It's great to "see" you Kasan! I'm glad you remembered me! I always enjoy your input!
ookla_2 Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 But, fortunately, you're not her. You had an inappropriate "friendship" with a male friend that did not go any further. You felt very guilty about it and you stopped it immediately. You never kissed or had sex with anther man while you're still married and you can be proud of that forever. You're further taking precausion to not get yourself in another EA with someone else. You're a decent person. I just hope you can find the love again within your marriage, because it seems that you're still love your husband very much and very protective of him. TR, don't be too hard on my friend EY. She is a good person who made a bad choice. However, she faced her mistakes, was honest about it, and is working on building her life back. Her H is hurt, naturally, but he will be all right before too long. Also, I appreciate the support, but I don't deserve any props. The physical line may not have been crossed, but I was dishonest, disrespectful, and displayed grossly inappropriate behavior just the same.
Kasan Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Actually, I haven't started any thread, in a long time, because I don't want to get bashed. Silly, huh? It's great to "see" you Kasan! I'm glad you remembered me! I always enjoy your input! thanks--pm me if I can help-- no bashing here!
TheRain Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 TR, don't be too hard on my friend EY. She is a good person who made a bad choice. However, she faced her mistakes, was honest about it, and is working on building her life back. Her H is hurt, naturally, but he will be all right before too long. Also, I appreciate the support, but I don't deserve any props. The physical line may not have been crossed, but I was dishonest, disrespectful, and displayed grossly inappropriate behavior just the same. That's the HUGE difference between you and EY. You completely recognized your fault (yes, that was a dishonest and disrespectufl fault) and you own up to it fully. In addition, you have not crossed the line, something you can be eternally proud of. The words "ho," "slut," etc. would NEVER apply to you. Start your own thread, you won't get bashed by me for sure.
ookla_2 Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 I don't believe any of those words apply to EY either. Actually, I think those words are only applicable in extreme cases. We are human, and we make mistakes. EY made her mistakes, but she admitted them. She was honest. I admire her honesty, because I can't seem to do the same thing. Remember, my EA stopped because I was CAUGHT, not because I came clean. And if you don't think EY is full of remorse, you haven't followed her story very closely. I can assure you that she is quite remorseful.
TheRain Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 (edited) I don't believe any of those words apply to EY either. Actually, I think those words are only applicable in extreme cases. We are human, and we make mistakes. EY made her mistakes, but she admitted them. She was honest. I admire her honesty, because I can't seem to do the same thing. Remember, my EA stopped because I was CAUGHT, not because I came clean. And if you don't think EY is full of remorse, you haven't followed her story very closely. I can assure you that she is quite remorseful. I don't necessarily believe those words completely apply to her, but certain individuals have the right to call her such names if they choose to. One thing I notice about her posts is that she tried shifting the blame to her husband and even at one point to "people like me." Let me ask you this though, ookla, if you were not caught, do you think you would have gone through with an actual physical affair by having sex with this other man? Edited March 21, 2008 by TheRain
Cobra_X30 Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Cobra, you know what really concerns me? Even now, almost two years after the EA was discovered and ended, I know that if I left, H would blame it on that...or on some other man. He would refuse to believe that I just don't want to be married, that I must be involved with someone else. And I think he would try to convince the kids of that too. I don't want my kids to think that way of me. That's not the only reason I stay, it's just a concern of mine. The fact is, I do love the man. I just hate being married to him. Telling him something like that is impossible. Your children will judge you based on who you are and what you do! That he will turn them against you is a baseless fear. Children always love their mother... it's almost unconditional. I don't talk to my mother because she is a terrible person and for no other reason. Maybe EY can back me up here... but nothing good will come of your marriage if your heart is not in it!
ookla_2 Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 TR...I hope I wouldn't. I would love to swear to you on a stack of Bibles that it would never have happened, and let you go on thinking that I'm a good person, but the fact is, I WAS caught. My friendship with the other man was completely out of character for me, so who's to say whether or not I would have gone further out of character? But I'm not proud to say I don't know...
Meaplus3 Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Your children will judge you based on who you are and what you do! That he will turn them against you is a baseless fear. Children always love their mother... it's almost unconditional. I don't talk to my mother because she is a terrible person and for no other reason. Maybe EY can back me up here... but nothing good will come of your marriage if your heart is not in it! Cobra, I will back you up here because I agree with you 100%. AP:)
TheRain Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 but nothing good will come of your marriage if your heart is not in it! That's horrible advice for a wife who still loves her husband and thinks he is a great guy. I think ookla has it very good but doesn't seem to realize it. ookla, do you know how many wifes out there living with cheaters, wife-beaters, drug-abusers, etc. who would LOVE to be in your position. What if you can never find a man like your husband, what if you miss him after you're seperated from him, but he moved on and is with another woman who later move in with him and introduced to your kids? Does it bother you picturing your husband with another woman whom he adores the way he adors you?
ookla_2 Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 That's horrible advice for a wife who still loves her husband and thinks he is a great guy. I think ookla has it very good but doesn't seem to realize it. ookla, do you know how many wifes out there living with cheaters, wife-beaters, drug-abusers, etc. who would LOVE to be in your position. What if you can never find a man like your husband, what if you miss him after you're seperated from him, but he moved on and is with another woman who later move in with him and introduced to your kids? Does it bother you picturing your husband with another woman whom he adores the way he adors you? It should, shouldn't it? And yet, it doesn't. Listen, I KNOW he can find someone to adore him the way I should. I KNOW he can. And yes, I believe he deserves to. For some reason, he wants me.. And I know there are some HORRIBLE husbands out there. Trust me, I know this. I have had many friends who were married to and then divorced from men such as you described. But, do I stay with him simply because I'm lucky I don't have it worse? Or, do I give him the chance to be with someone who WILL appreciate him? Okay, I have totally taken this thread over from EY. I'm incredibly sorry.
Author EmotionallyYours Posted March 21, 2008 Author Posted March 21, 2008 I love loveshack. I had class in the morning and then the IT guy was fixing my computer and come back to so much. Hopefully I'll have time to respond to everyone properly later. I really love seeing the familiar people who always managed to help me find some comfort. ookla... hijack away. That's the only way you ever talk about your stuff since you never start your own threads! You have my blessing (for whatever that's worth).
ookla_2 Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 I love loveshack. I had class in the morning and then the IT guy was fixing my computer and come back to so much. Hopefully I'll have time to respond to everyone properly later. I really love seeing the familiar people who always managed to help me find some comfort. ookla... hijack away. That's the only way you ever talk about your stuff since you never start your own threads! You have my blessing (for whatever that's worth). I seem to recall SOMEONE else who got their "start" on a thread that I started.....
TheRain Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 And I know there are some HORRIBLE husbands out there. Trust me, I know this. I have had many friends who were married to and then divorced from men such as you described. But, do I stay with him simply because I'm lucky I don't have it worse? Or, do I give him the chance to be with someone who WILL appreciate him? Is it because you're not attracted to him or is he bad in bed? You obviously love him and cares alot about him, so, this doesn't make much sense?
Meaplus3 Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 It should, shouldn't it? And yet, it doesn't. Listen, I KNOW he can find someone to adore him the way I should. I KNOW he can. And yes, I believe he deserves to. For some reason, he wants me.. And I know there are some HORRIBLE husbands out there. Trust me, I know this. I have had many friends who were married to and then divorced from men such as you described. But, do I stay with him simply because I'm lucky I don't have it worse? Or, do I give him the chance to be with someone who WILL appreciate him? Okay, I have totally taken this thread over from EY. I'm incredibly sorry. ookla, After just reading this post my thoughts flip-flopped a bit. I must ask.. have you tried Marriage counseling? AP:)
ookla_2 Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Is it because you're not attracted to him or is he bad in bed? You obviously love him and cares alot about him, so, this doesn't make much sense? LOL...I know it doesn't! Try living it! Um...as far as sex...I would have to say that it's ME that's not good...I hate it. So no, our sex life it not good. It's only important to him, so we do have sex, but he knows I'm only doing it for him. Sigh...I know...he's not very lucky to have me...so why does HE want to hang on?
ookla_2 Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 ookla, After just reading this post my thoughts flip-flopped a bit. I must ask.. have you tried Marriage counseling? AP:) He doesn't feel comfortable with counseling. I went through IC immediately following the discovery of the EA, but ended up quitting because he was so uncomfortable with me going. It drove him crazy, wanting to know what I was talking about, and why I had to pay someone to talk to, when he was right there...
Author EmotionallyYours Posted March 21, 2008 Author Posted March 21, 2008 I seem to recall SOMEONE else who got their "start" on a thread that I started..... Forgot about that...lol
Meaplus3 Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 He doesn't feel comfortable with counseling. I went through IC immediately following the discovery of the EA, but ended up quitting because he was so uncomfortable with me going. It drove him crazy, wanting to know what I was talking about, and why I had to pay someone to talk to, when he was right there... You know I get the sense he has some control issues.. and may be in denial for a lack of what he is providing in the marriage. Would that make sense? AP:)
ookla_2 Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 You know I get the sense he has some control issues.. and may be in denial for a lack of what he is providing in the marriage. Would that make sense? AP:) Oh, absolutely! We both have issues that contribute to the problem, there's no denying that. We are both equally stubborn too, which doesn't help. I could go over this all day long. What it boils down to is that I need to put up or shut up. I need to try with all my heart to be in love with my H, or I need to let him go to find it for himself. It's just SO much easier said than done.
daisygirl Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 He doesn't feel comfortable with counseling. I went through IC immediately following the discovery of the EA, but ended up quitting because he was so uncomfortable with me going. It drove him crazy, wanting to know what I was talking about, and why I had to pay someone to talk to, when he was right there... This is exactly how my husband is reacting to my IC. He was grilling me with questions about what we talked about at my session. Then he said he doesn't think they can help me anyway. He pretty much thinks IC is bulls***. Nice.... (sorry to hijack:))
Meaplus3 Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Oh, absolutely! We both have issues that contribute to the problem, there's no denying that. We are both equally stubborn too, which doesn't help. I could go over this all day long. What it boils down to is that I need to put up or shut up. I need to try with all my heart to be in love with my H, or I need to let him go to find it for himself. It's just SO much easier said than done. No..you don't need to put up or shut up.. that will not accomplish a thing. You both need to come together to try to fix things. It will take complete effort on both your parts it is not a one sided deal. By doing this you will have the comfort in knowing that both of you provided your very best in an affort to save the union. AP:)
Kasan Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 I could go over this all day long. What it boils down to is that I need to put up or shut up. I need to try with all my heart to be in love with my H, or I need to let him go to find it for himself. It's just SO much easier said than done. The hardest decisions are never the easiest to make and rightfully so. You are cheating yourself and your family if you stay in a marriage that has outlived its time. In the same vein, you should leave no stone unturned to work on it before you make that decision, whether your husband approves of the methods. Sometimes the simplest things can turn a marriage around or end it.
TheRain Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 ookla, are you attracted to your husband though? Or, do you find yourself wishing and hoping that you're with another man?
Author EmotionallyYours Posted March 21, 2008 Author Posted March 21, 2008 The hardest decisions are never the easiest to make and rightfully so. You are cheating yourself and your family if you stay in a marriage that has outlived its time. In the same vein, you should leave no stone unturned to work on it before you make that decision, whether your husband approves of the methods. Sometimes the simplest things can turn a marriage around or end it. You have the opportunity to either save/get something wonderful or conversely leave with a clean conscience. You are also right about the easier said than done part. Work up your strength to do it though.
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