TheRain Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Hope you get therapy for those anger issues and SOON Maybe you have compassion confused with "anger issues." Link to post Share on other sites
Author EmotionallyYours Posted March 21, 2008 Author Share Posted March 21, 2008 I thought at some point, you expressed that you're sorry for what you did and you regretted the cheating. But, now it seems to me that you're shifting the blame to your husband or "people like me" and trying to not owning up to your actions. You know what you did was wrong, if you stop recognizing it internally, you will be angry and resent yourself or people surround you. That's almost an guarantee. You can always justify it externally, but deep inside, you can't reconcile it. Again, you can pull out the bits and pieces and make it seem any way you want to support your condemnation. I KNOW what I did was wrong. I also know that he does need to face up to his part of the marriage falling apart. That is separate from the affair. If I did go about things the "right" way, he would still have had to face up to the reasons why our marriage was not working. I can guarantee you that it was NOT 100% me. He would not go to counseling when things broke down because he was 100% sure that therapists screw you up worse. There was no arguing with him. I said that it was his black and white judgment and opinions of everything that totally stopped discussion over anything we disagreed upon in its tracks. I do blame him half for the lack of communication. I blame myself 100% for the affair. That does not mean I have to be broken the rest of my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Again, you can pull out the bits and pieces and make it seem any way you want to support your condemnation. I KNOW what I did was wrong. I also know that he does need to face up to his part of the marriage falling apart. That is separate from the affair. If I did go about things the "right" way, he would still have had to face up to the reasons why our marriage was not working. I can guarantee you that it was NOT 100% me. He would not go to counseling when things broke down because he was 100% sure that therapists screw you up worse. There was no arguing with him. I said that it was his black and white judgment and opinions of everything that totally stopped discussion over anything we disagreed upon in its tracks. I do blame him half for the lack of communication. I blame myself 100% for the affair. That does not mean I have to be broken the rest of my life. EY..It wil be ok. Just stay strong..I know this is confusing and it hurts, however.. you can work through this.. It will be ok. I support you! AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author EmotionallyYours Posted March 21, 2008 Author Share Posted March 21, 2008 EY..It wil be ok. Just stay strong..I know this is confusing and it hurts, however.. you can work through this.. It will be ok. I support you! AP:) You brought me out of it. I'm like a dog trying to chase its own tail sometimes when I start fixating on a point. I really need the support, so thanks AP! Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 EY..It wil be ok. Just stay strong..I know this is confusing and it hurts, however.. you can work through this.. It will be ok. I support you! AP:) That is beautiful! So many poeple react to the story and not the person behind it. I hope more people take a look at EY and see the person just as you do. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 You brought me out of it. I'm like a dog trying to chase its own tail sometimes when I start fixating on a point. I really need the support, so thanks AP! Your so welcome. You feel free PM me if you would like. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 You brought me out of it. I'm like a dog trying to chase its own tail sometimes when I start fixating on a point. I really need the support, so thanks AP! AP is great, and there are ALOT of great people here... Just "ignore" the ones that want to "spout".. YOU are doing fine, just keep doing what you are doing, don't waste "days off of the calendar", just live your life and take care of those Angels you have.. EVERYTHING else will fall into place Link to post Share on other sites
TheRain Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Please be advised that the above two posters are OW and OM, respectively. They both were involved in an affair with someone who's married. So, now you know where your "support" is coming from. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Please be advised that the above two posters are OW and OM, respectively. They both were involved in an affair with someone who's married. So, now you know where your "support" is coming from. I think she knows' that. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Please be advised that the above two posters are OW and OM, respectively. They both were involved in an affair with someone who's married. So, now you know where your "support" is coming from. and your point would be ? Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Maybe you have compassion confused with "anger issues." I don't believe it was YOUR post I quoted ... or was it ? Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Using this reasoning I can never be trusted again in my life either. I guess I should just give up on everything now. Thanks for shedding light. I might as well go off myself now. I will never be worthy for anyone ever again. Listen, I understand where you are all coming from, but I would like to hear something other than the predictable condemnation. Actually the black/white, good/evil people on this site are very much like my husband. It is his attitudes and easy judgment of me and others that left me always on edge. I will never see things exactly like you do or as he does. Yes, I do agree on what is right and wrong, but I also want to understand why I and others do the things they do. It is this attitude of my husband's that so often prevented us from resolving problems. He was right. I was wrong. No compromise or at least trying to respect or understand underlying opinions and/or problems. No you should never give up. However, you did admit that you were recently diagnosed with BPD and are admittedly adjusting to medication. Of course you H has his own opinions/point of view. You cheated and have decided to leave him. He has his corner. As do you. My opinion is that you take a long few months away from both and figure yourself out. Transitioning from one man to another in a mental crisis cannot be a good path. Although for many it does seem to be the easiest short term relief to a future (repeated) hardship. However, the best to you and yours. Link to post Share on other sites
TheRain Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Yes. my H in this situation has been VERY good. AP:) That was not long ago when you said that. What happened? Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Using this reasoning I can never be trusted again in my life either. I guess I should just give up on everything now. Thanks for shedding light. I might as well go off myself now. I will never be worthy for anyone ever again. This is how some would like to make you feel. Don't let them. Everyone makes mistakes and the only person you have to ultimately answer to is your higher power. Listen, I understand where you are all coming from, but I would like to hear something other than the predictable condemnation. Actually the black/white, good/evil people on this site are very much like my husband. It is his attitudes and easy judgment of me and others that left me always on edge. I will never see things exactly like you do or as he does. Yes, I do agree on what is right and wrong, but I also want to understand why I and others do the things they do. It is this attitude of my husband's that so often prevented us from resolving problems. He was right. I was wrong. No compromise or at least trying to respect or understand underlying opinions and/or problems. I completely understand where you're coming from, as I was once a wayward spouse. I ended up divorcing my husband- but not for the OM. The affair had ended way before I initated the divorce. The bipolar disorder probably did play a significant part in all of that. It does seem to me you have accepted responsibility for your actions. I was in the same boat as you- my ex H contributed to the demise of our marriage. Everyone that we knew was aware that he never stayed home and spent any time with me- however as soon as I cheated- he was released from having to accept his responsiblity for his part in the problems we had. It was like he got a get out of jail free card. But, that's a small bit of payback for the fact I had the affair. I accept it. It's not fair, but I accept it. Just like what I did to him wasn't fair. People do not understand what emotional neglect can do to someone unless they have experienced it. I do understand. Simply put no one knows exactly what they would do in that situation- even if they crow till the cows come home that they do. I find it hilarious at times. There are people who cheat on their taxes- and think nothing of doing it. People who take the extra change that the cashier gives you- or that will not give the teller back money when they give you too much- but yet they will sit in judgment of people who have affairs- just because it involves sex! Thanks for this post EY- I'm glad your on your meds and feeling much better. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Please be advised that the above two posters are OW and OM, respectively. They both were involved in an affair with someone who's married. So, now you know where your "support" is coming from. There are also support from those who have never been in As and are BS etc. What's your point? Link to post Share on other sites
ookla_2 Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Support is support, and when it is truly needed, it is truly appreciated, no matter who is giving it. EY, your "support" is coming from people who are human. Just so you know. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Support is support, and when it is truly needed, it is truly appreciated, no matter who is giving it. EY, your "support" is coming from people who are human. Just so you know. That's what I thought - who cares where the support comes from. I just don't get the point in trying to point out where/who the support comes from. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 EY - you've come a long way. I hope things work out well for you. As you've said repeatedly, you've made a lot of mistakes along the way, but all of our lives are full of mistakes. The key is to learn and not repeat them. It sounds like you won't. Hopefully your STBX will be able to move on in his life and also learn from his mistakes as well. As you said, no one person is ever solely to blame for the disolution of a marriage. It's been said here by a few people that he's wasted 20 years. Obviously, that is not true. You've both learned, and you've made wonderful children. Life spent is not life wasted. Everything we do, every contact we make forms us and changes us. That isn't waste. Best of luck to you in the future. EY..It wil be ok. Just stay strong..I know this is confusing and it hurts, however.. you can work through this.. It will be ok. I support you! AP:) EY - I like these posts. Silktricks's post is really good. I hope you're doing well today. Link to post Share on other sites
ookla_2 Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 That's what I thought - who cares where the support comes from. I just don't get the point in trying to point out where/who the support comes from. Or in suggesting that it has less merit because it comes from someone who is not "perfect". Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 That's what I thought - who cares where the support comes from. I just don't get the point in trying to point out where/who the support comes from. Well the support here comes from genuinely good people. Or in suggesting that it has less merit because it comes from someone who is not "perfect". Ookla, I hope you read EY's story and take this to heart! Don't let things get too far. There comes a point when your just wasting your time... and everyone else's as well. Sometimes the truely loving thing to do is let them go. You control this! Link to post Share on other sites
ookla_2 Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Well the support here comes from genuinely good people. Ookla, I hope you read EY's story and take this to heart! Don't let things get too far. There comes a point when your just wasting your time... and everyone else's as well. Sometimes the truely loving thing to do is let them go. You control this! Thanks, Cobra. I have always followed EY's story because there were such parallels to mine. I do love my H and I wish I knew how to let him go without hurting him so badly. I really can't bring myself to do it. (no more EA's or anything, though....I have pretty much isolated myself and am only with my family these days) Link to post Share on other sites
Kasan Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Thanks, Cobra. I have always followed EY's story because there were such parallels to mine. I do love my H and I wish I knew how to let him go without hurting him so badly. I really can't bring myself to do it. (no more EA's or anything, though....I have pretty much isolated myself and am only with my family these days) Why don't you start your own thread? Lots of great advice here! You don't always have to crash and burn to find an answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Thanks, Cobra. I have always followed EY's story because there were such parallels to mine. I do love my H and I wish I knew how to let him go without hurting him so badly. I really can't bring myself to do it. (no more EA's or anything, though....I have pretty much isolated myself and am only with my family these days) Your situation is more like Mustang Sally, IMHO. I realized long ago that EY's husband would not change. I think she did as well. I know that you love your H, but there are many different kinds of love. At this point... reading this story... you should know that sometimes holding on too long will hurt him more than leaving now. Link to post Share on other sites
TheRain Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Thanks, Cobra. I have always followed EY's story because there were such parallels to mine. But, fortunately, you're not her. You had an inappropriate "friendship" with a male friend that did not go any further. You felt very guilty about it and you stopped it immediately. You never kissed or had sex with anther man while you're still married and you can be proud of that forever. You're further taking precausion to not get yourself in another EA with someone else. You're a decent person. I just hope you can find the love again within your marriage, because it seems that you're still love your husband very much and very protective of him. Link to post Share on other sites
ookla_2 Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Your situation is more like Mustang Sally, IMHO. I realized long ago that EY's husband would not change. I think she did as well. I know that you love your H, but there are many different kinds of love. At this point... reading this story... you should know that sometimes holding on too long will hurt him more than leaving now. Cobra, you know what really concerns me? Even now, almost two years after the EA was discovered and ended, I know that if I left, H would blame it on that...or on some other man. He would refuse to believe that I just don't want to be married, that I must be involved with someone else. And I think he would try to convince the kids of that too. I don't want my kids to think that way of me. That's not the only reason I stay, it's just a concern of mine. The fact is, I do love the man. I just hate being married to him. Telling him something like that is impossible. Link to post Share on other sites
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