If MM and W are NC, what do you think that means?

[findmyway]

For once I agree with Lizzie, I think your view on the situation is a little naive. Doing the right thing is not having an affair with you in the first place. He should have done the right thing by his wife and kids and gotten a divorce if he was unhappy. And he should have done the right thing by you in giving you all of himself. Instead he fence sits and he waffles and he cake eats. How is this being a good man? How is love conquering morals here? I just don't understand your take on this. I think you should be angry at him for not choosing you. Lizzie and others here are right that his wife is the one who doesn't want to talk to him and yet he is STILL choosing to work on things with her over than being with you?? If he wanted to divorce her and feel like a "good guy" about it, here's his chance... she doesn't even want to talk to him, why not file? Instead he is trying to get her on his good side and trying to keep you on his good side... my advice is to just say good bye to him unless and until he is divorced. Only THEN will he be doing the right thing and you won't have to worry about "love" conquering morals... because he will finally be having some morals.

 

I understand what you are saying and I also know that it is incredibly difficult for me to convey to you what exactly I mean. I agree it doesnt exact sound right the way I typed it, but I really do know what i mean in my head (not that that helps any of you, sorry). This is a huge, complicated situation that can't be summed up in a post or two or ten. Nothing here is black and white. I think we each have things we are right on here. The oen thing I will say is when you say why doesnt he just leave now that he has his chance... he does have the kids to think about, and i can tell you that has brought him to his knees.. especially when this first started... again nothing is black and white. But yes, i understand where you might think I am being naive... I know one of my posts here showed a moment that was memorable but not everyday realistic, I understand that. And I am angry at him, I am angry at me... but I also love him and understand alot of what he is saying as well. Nothing is perfect, nothing is obvious... only time will tell on things. To be completely honest, I feel 90% in my head he will go home if she lets him just cause he feels a sort of obligation to his family... however he tells me the chance of him wanting to go back is less that 15%... i am not being naive there... i realize he may be talking s$%t even if he doesnt realize it.

 

anyway, this post probably makes no sense, the point though is I understand all your opinions but I also hold onto some of my own. I have a very open mind about all of this and that a million things are going on here, there is no silver lining in these situations- that i have no doubt on.

[findmyway]

He is in jail so the process gets more complicated as to what the grounds for divorce can be etc... basically it is down to what works best for me in a legal standpoint.

SO I have 3 choices...

1. File for divorce on grounds of abandoment- which in the state of NY it is after a year of leaving the home. (Made a year 3/14)

2. File for adultery- a misdemeanor in the state of NY and to which I have all the proof (pictures, bills, letters, a restraining order against his OW)

If I file after he is released, he violates his parole terms and could be sent back to prison for another 3yrs. (Depending on my mood... this sounds like a "GET EVEN" choice jk).

3. Not file at all and let him serve me.

 

There is a lot at stake, we own 3 businesses and a home so it gets complicated if he doesn't want to comply with my terms. The same way that he will come home and not have a job, be homeless and broke and he can go after me for alimony. Complicated! I gotta do what's best for my kids and for me, I worked and put more than half at times... for him to run off with OW and take my ish, NO WAY!!!! I am not materialistic but he destroyed my home, family, dreams and emotionally sent me flying. I am lucky to be alive and have friends and family that have been pillars to a broken structure.

 

This goes out to the OP... and please dont take it all personal and I am not trying to disrespect anyone as this place has taught me that not all are the same. Some situations are the "ish happens and you cant help who you fall in love with" or "too late to let go". In between all of that there may be a good person that dedicated her/his life to that MM/MW and that one day exchanged vows and perhaps gave up part of his/her own being to be in that marriage, just to one day wake up and all be stolen away by someone else- just because. I am sure that as the OW/OM you too have suffer and given up a lot, but you had more of a choice than a BS spouse ever stood a chance of having.

 

It is very painful and self-destructive to see someone laugh at how they now have what was your most valuable asset (not a home, car, $, business) but what completed your home. A W/H is not always the fat, lazy, spycho, boring, unattractive person these MM/MW made them to be... Some of us are just collateral damage.

 

Not ever wanting him back is right! I dont deserve someone that his words dont even mean anything to himself. No matter how much my heart still loves him, my integrity and self-respect will never allow me to get back with him, not even if the holy spirit manifests on him. HELL NAH!

I rather kill all the love that I have than to let the love that I have for him kill me.

 

Again, I am speaking from my own experience and situation.

I am sure that some here will say "Beat it" and "get over it".

I guess it makes them feel better that perhaps they may have been the possible cause of someone feeling the same way I do.

 

Ok, I am getting teary- eyed just reviving the... I can't type about this anymore.

 

Mimi- my heart does go out to you. Although I am an OW, I realize that so many people are hurt in these situations it is very unfortunate. I appreciate your ability to post responses to us OW w/understanding that we hurt too and that in a way.. alot of us are victims.

 

I see your situation is complicated and ustand the reasoning for not being able to divorce right now.

 

I wish you the best...

Edited March 19, 2008 by findmyway

[MimiMe]

Mimi- my heart does go out to you. Although I am an OW, I realize that so many people are hurt in these situations it is very unfortunate. I appreciate your ability to post responses to us OW w/understanding that we hurt too and that in a way.. alot of us are victims.

 

I see your situation is complicate it and ustand the reasoning for not being able to divorce right now.

 

I wish you the best...

 

Thanks and I wish you the best too! Rather than being here bickering and pulling each others hairs out... we should start a movement!! One that will give advice and encouragement for others to not allowed Men or Women to hurt us, use us and deceive us! ( back to the real world Mimi!)

I see it this way, everything has a solution, even of it's not the ideal one. Life is hard to begin with, why complicated when we can call the shots. There are things that are not reversible,like healt, death...

A person can only do to you what you allow them to. I refuse to live in a marriage that brought so much pain and humiliation.

 

I know that some people will read this and say... Well, you were probably not giving him what he wanted. He must have been lacking something.. but ever though that he probably goes to the OW to not get what he doesnt get, but perhaps to get less- because in my case... he was not man enough for me!

 

I really hope you do find your way to true happiness.

[whichwayisup]

Is this horrible?? I dont want to hurt the guy... but when thinking of moving on, I have often dreamed about what it would be like if i were forced to move on, he went back to his M, fate finally worked in my favor and I find the available man that loves me and can commit to me... we get engaged and one day xMM opens the local paper to see our engagement annoucement... talk about cutting like a knife... ha. Honestly though, i dont want to hurt him, but when i hurt so bad I cant help but think and dream of these things. :/

 

But the thing is, if he chooses to go back and home together he and his wife work on their marriage (reguardless of what their reasons are, staying for the kids sake or they both realize they WANT it to work) by the time he sees that announcement, it shouldn't matter to do you what his reaction is, though I would hope he'd be happy that you found someone else who could offer you more than what he could. If he does love you, he'll wish you well and leave it at that.. I hope you aren't hanging on to a fantasy that he'll be crushed and his heart will break because you moved on...If he stays with his wife, he's moved on...

 

Not saying that to hurt you, but it serves no purpose right now to think so far ahead...Stay in the now and try to keep busy, focus on you and healing yourself.

[TheRain]

2. File for adultery- a misdemeanor in the state of NY and to which I have all the proof (pictures, bills, letters, a restraining order against his OW)

If I file after he is released, he violates his parole terms and could be sent back to prison for another 3yrs. (Depending on my mood... this sounds like a "GET EVEN" choice jk).

 

Have you verified this with an attorney? This does not make sense. Whatever misdemeanor that he has committed, it was done before his incarceration and not committed after the release. Is that still a parole violation? Unless I am missing something, such as the fact that he has committed another crime before and his parole existed before his current jail term.

 

What crime did he commit? Why did you marry him?

 

I apologize for the thread jacking.

[Gwyneth]

NC with W or not, stay FAAAAAAAAAAAAR away. At least until the D papers are signed.

[findmyway]

But the thing is, if he chooses to go back and home together he and his wife work on their marriage (reguardless of what their reasons are, staying for the kids sake or they both realize they WANT it to work) by the time he sees that announcement, it shouldn't matter to do you what his reaction is, though I would hope he'd be happy that you found someone else who could offer you more than what he could. If he does love you, he'll wish you well and leave it at that.. I hope you aren't hanging on to a fantasy that he'll be crushed and his heart will break because you moved on...If he stays with his wife, he's moved on...

 

Not saying that to hurt you, but it serves no purpose right now to think so far ahead...Stay in the now and try to keep busy, focus on you and healing yourself.

 

whichwayisup- You are exactly right, and I do deep down know this. Right now this is something that I think about... however if I am ever lucky enough to find a man I love enough to get engaged too, the last thing I will hopefully be thinking about at that time is MM. Of course now, when dreaming about it... my dreams don't come out that way because I am still so entrenched in all of this. But I do realize that in the future these hopefully won't be things I really am worrying or thinking about if I have truly moved on. I know it is a silly or petty thought... but we'll have those from time to time and just had to share it to get it out of me I guess.

[TheRain]

Findmyway, you need to completely break it off with him. You have wrecked his home and marriage enough already, stop completely wrecking it. His home, wife, and children have suffered enough damages, let them heal if it's all possible. His wife and children didn't have much of a choice to be put in such awful situation, but you did and you still do. You willingfully participated in sex with a married man.

[findmyway]

Thanks TheRain- I see you haven't been here long. Well, this is a support forum. We are all here for help through a tough situation. We are not stupid, we realize what we were involved in was not right... however that doesnt change the situation now and we are seeking support through difficult times. Many of us are here because we have recognized an ending in the situation and are making our way thru it. If you want to offer constructive criticism, then fine. But flat out bashing will be ignored and will not get you much support in return for your own situation whatever it may be. That's fine that you seem to think i singlehandingly wrecked my MM M, I know better so fire away with your comments, those won't get to me. I played a part but I am not the cause of the downfall in their marriage which occurred several yrs before I even arrived. Please dont make blunt comments about situations you are not even aware of.

That's all.

[TheRain]

That's fine that you seem to think i singlehandingly wrecked my MM M, I know better so fire away with your comments, those won't get to me. I played a part but I am not the cause of the downfall in their marriage which occurred several yrs before I even arrived. Please dont make blunt comments about situations you are not even aware of.

That's all.

 

You seem very defensive. Ever wonder why?

 

ALL marriages go through ups and downs. Go ask some happily married couples for 50 years or so, they will tell you that at one point or another in their marriage, sometimes for years, it was tough, but they get through it. It will go to good again. At the end of the day, they will always have memories of the holidays they spent together as a family, the bith of their children, etc. Your MM's marriage didn't stand much of a chance because of your invasion. How would you feel if your husband for years whom you have devoted your life to, whom you have take a vow in front of your family and friends, slept with another woman? All I am saying is that his wife and children did not choose this situation, you did, because you choose to have sex with a married man and you continue to choose to do so if he allows it.

[TheRain]

That's fine that you seem to think i singlehandingly wrecked my MM M, I know better so fire away with your comments, those won't get to me. I played a part but I am not the cause of the downfall in their marriage which occurred several yrs before I even arrived. Please dont make blunt comments about situations you are not even aware of.

That's all.

 

You seem very defensive. Ever wonder why?

 

ALL marriages go through ups and downs. Go ask some happily married couples for 50 years or so, they will tell you that at one point or another in their marriage, sometimes for years, it was tough, but they get through it. It will go to good again. At the end of the day, they will always have memories of the holidays they spent together as a family, the birth of their children, etc. Your MM's marriage didn't stand much of a chance because of your invasion. How would you feel if your husband for years whom you have devoted your life to, whom you have taken a vow in front of your family and friends, slept with another woman? All I am saying is that his wife and children did not choose this situation, you did, because you chose to have sex with a married man and you continue choose to do so if he allows it. Can you face his wife, children, and relatives without shame and embarrasement?

[findmyway]

you have not read my whole story, because we are not continuing to do so. He is separated and thinking of D. We are NC until he decides what to do. Do I want to talk to him still, absolutely it's the hardest thing I have ever done. Do I understand why he needs to do it this way? Yes, I absolutely understand that too. If he came to me today and wanted to have sex I would not do it. I want to be with him in the future if that ever becomes a possibility but that will only be once his marriage is over. I realize it may very well never be over and I understand there are alot of people involved here. I do realize there is alot of hurt and pain spread all over the place... do I have guilt- certainly. I think you do need to understand not everything is just "sex with a married man" though, there is alot more to alot of these relationships, not all of them but alot of them.

I am not trying to be defensive, just honest about my situation and feelings. It sounds you may be a bit defensive as well? Are you a betrayed spouse?? I would not wish hurt on anyone, I would have never seen myself in this position, but life happens and you do things you never thought you would. I can't go back and change things, and I can't change the love that has developed and the pain that has come along with it. Right now I am just trying to get thru and get my life back. You don't have to tell me how innocent people have been hurt, trust me I do already know that and I am not proud of it.

[TheRain]

I realize it may very well never be over and I understand there are alot of people involved here. I do realize there is alot of hurt and pain spread all over the place... do I have guilt- certainly. I think you do need to understand not everything is just "sex with a married man" though, there is alot more to alot of these relationships, not all of them but alot of them.

 

Ofcourse it's not all about sex, it's about the foreplay too, which include the talking, the dinner, the flirting, the "I love yous," we are soulmates, etc. which doesn't negate the wrong and the fault involved.

 

I am not trying to be defensive, just honest about my situation and feelings. It sounds you may be a bit defensive as well? Are you a betrayed spouse??

 

No. I am not. Does that give me more credibility?

 

He is separated and thinking of D. We are NC until he decides what to do.

 

It's not over untill the divorce is final. People who decided to file for and actually file divorce go through different emotions and often change their mind. If you intervene while the divorce is not finalized, you will be an active adulterer AGAIN.

 

You don't have to tell me how innocent people have been hurt, trust me I do already know that and I am not proud of it.

 

I sure wish you're not proud of yourself or "it." Your defensiveness doesn't seem that you are owning to the responsbility and the mess you got yourself into and the damages you have cause many others.

[Tomcat33]

oh honey- this is no romance novel... i am not that naive!!!! It is not as simple as me or her..... he has children, businesses, other family.. lots of people that would be impacted... there is a huge picture to consider. Like many MM in these situations, the idea of being a failure is something that I also thinks looms over them. If it were as simple as me or her, no other consequences, I 100% know where he would be. It's just not that simple, but again that doesnt mean he doesnt love me and that doesnt mean his vulnerability wasnt real.

 

 

 

Sorry but I disagree with those that said you are being naive Findingmyway I think you bring up some valid reasons why people stay. It's ok some will understand it and some won't. For some people all the reasons you just descibed ARE valid reasons to NOT want to D. All those things are very much taken into account when assessing the risk a person will take into starting a new life. Look not everyone deals with things the same way, there are people who hate their jobs and will endure years of torture for fear of going out and finding a new job, having to start all over again and making a big change in risk that they could lose their stability and end up with an even worse job. THEN there are those people who wouldn't last a year in a crap job, they would rather lose their home, risk end up living on someone's couch for months until they can find a decent job again than to endure another day at a job that makes them feel dead inside. People are different thus make their decision process and strategy completely different.

 

I really wish people around here could expand their minds beyond the "cake eater who wanted some clandestine fun" is the only type of cheating that exists. It isn't so like that.

 

But the thing is, if he chooses to go back and home together he and his wife work on their marriage (reguardless of what their reasons are, staying for the kids sake or they both realize they WANT it to work) by the time he sees that announcement, it shouldn't matter to do you what his reaction is, though I would hope he'd be happy that you found someone else who could offer you more than what he could. If he does love you, he'll wish you well and leave it at that.. I hope you aren't hanging on to a fantasy that he'll be crushed and his heart will break because you moved on...If he stays with his wife, he's moved on...

 

Not saying that to hurt you, but it serves no purpose right now to think so far ahead...Stay in the now and try to keep busy, focus on you and healing yourself.

 

 

I disagree he could be going back home out of sheer guilt and to sort out how he will finally make the leap. Just because he is confused it doesn't mean he wants one more than the other right now, he could totally be driven by guilt. Something a lot of us NOT in their shoes have a really hard time digesting because the general way of thinking is "well if the cheater had no guilt in cheating why are they suddenly feeling guilty now"? Again everyone is wired differently, I see posters here that are consummed by their own guilt that was instilled partially by their strict upbringings and another part by the acts they commited themselves and people can really stunt themselves emotionally when they are stuck in guilt.

 

This past weekend I spoke to my ex we talk a lot these days and now that he is a free man he has nothing more to hide from me I have many questions and I need to understand why things happened the way they did so that I can finally forgive him completely and truly have closure. One of the things he helped me understand is that he could not have moved on with our relationship being as he was, he was detroyed emotionally conflicted, in love with me but guilt driven about abandoning his W and he was all those things. I witnessed his deterioration. We rarely get to understand what a cheater who is conflicted by his actions because he never imagined he could do something like that feels, we looking from the outside in, assume the worst and paint them as a degenerate lying scum bag and that's that. I'm not saying they are or they are not, I am just offering another side to what we see on the surface.

 

Well some are MASTERS at lying or covering up and people tend to do that when they are in an in impossible situation others were born to be like that, some lie because they don't know how to get out of mess in a noncowardly way. they are also poor decision makers who are really conflicted in the harm their actions caused the people they chose to marry VS the harm they are causing themselves for not being able to live out their true desire and that is to leave a life they no longer want behind and start a new one with the person they do feel they love.

 

My ex really did not love his W anymore, in fact he always told me I am the only woman he has truly deeply loved, I do't believe him and it peeves him off but that's what he claims. In the year he went back there was 0 progress in their recovery he didn't want to recover and it appears neither did she despite going to therapy and having their life back NOTHING changed, as he described it they were both EXCATLY if not worse right back to the point they were before I even met him. He says part of his duty to go back was so that he could make her understand that things were done, that there was no more future for them but in order to do this he needed to be there and live this out with her. If he had left her while he was seperated and we were dating it would have been escaping that relationship and on top of having stabbed her to death with the betrayal he would continued to do so by the knowlege that he left her no warning or chance for her to understand only to move on with someone new. He really felt it was not fair to her.

 

He tells me the last year being away from me was torture for him SHEER torture, and I believe him I have all the emails he has sent to me sporadically over the past year when he would break contact I know he was suffering. The idea that I was a free woman and moving on he would never be with me again killed him inside. He fell into a deep depression and in therapy he could not even discuss what he was depressed about becuase he was not about to admit that he was still in love with me and hurt his W further not to mention there was no point since he knew I had moved on, I would never return his attempts at contacting me except for by accident a few times he did get me so as far as he knew we were done forever.

 

Anyway fastfarward to now, he is in the process of D and unlike a year a go now he feels at ease with the idea of ending the marriage, he realised that his marriage was 100% done and has had the chance to show his ex this so she could see it too. Once I was out of the picture he could assess that the reason he wanted out was NOT because I was in the picture but because the relationship had deffinitely ran its course. Of course he is still in love with me and some may say well that influenced his decision but I have not given him ANY indication since we started talking

again that there is any hope for us, the point is he is out because he has come to terms with what he wants and with his conscience he is a new man from the man he was when I was with him. He is confident at ease, happy, 100% willing to open up and most of all sure of his actions, the conflict has left him. He is mourning the loss of his marriage as any normal human being would but the deep conflict and excrutiating pain that a person feels when they know they are backstabbing another is gone.

He went back gave it a go it didn't work so in his head and soul he can move forward now, not completely clear of what he did but definitely with less doubt.

 

For the record my ex does not have children so add to that a man who has children, I can imagine just how much it must torment those who want to do what they feel they would want for themselves VS what they feel they have to do for the sake of their family, a family they commited to have.

 

 

It's not black and white.

Edited March 20, 2008 by Tomcat33

[nadiaj2727]

alot of us are victims.

 

But findmyway, you have a choice to stop being the victim. If being with a married man and now waiting around on him makes you feel like a victim, then stop doing it.

 

And to me, this situation is very black and white if you want it to be. The black and white part is that he is still married. If you choose to bring yourself into his "gray" area of not knowing whether he should stay married or be with you, then okay, live in the gray area. But if you don't want to be with a man who has to DECIDE whether or not he wants to be with you, and with a man who is still married and trying to work things out with this his wife who doesn't even want to be with him right now, no matter how much of a percentage of him would rather be with you, then step into the black and white area and say "being with a married man is not for me." Make your own black and white or you are going to be waffling in this gray area right along with him for a long time.

 

I hope I don't sound too harsh, I am just trying to get you to see how you should make your own choices about your life and not base it on whether or not this man may or may not go back to his wife. I think you should be thinking in terms of "I am 100% sure I do not want to be with him, because he is not 100% sure he wants to be with me, enough to make it happen." Then you won't have to feel like a victim.

[MimiMe]

Have you verified this with an attorney? This does not make sense. Whatever misdemeanor that he has committed, it was done before his incarceration and not committed after the release. Is that still a parole violation? Unless I am missing something, such as the fact that he has committed another crime before and his parole existed before his current jail term.

 

What crime did he commit? Why did you marry him?

 

I apologize for the thread jacking.

 

 

Not going to get all personal here in disclosing all of that but his crime is not a "Sin" put it that way. I didnt marry him while having legal issues... we've been in a relationship for 11yrs and married 7. He's been gone for 1yr. Why did I marry him? We were bf/gf in love for 4yrs and got committed, said the vows, started a family, established businesses, purchased properties, I loved him and he "loved" me... gave him too much freedom and he misused it- f&cked up and look at where all of this has landed him. G*d dont like ugly. There is an reaction to every action.

 

These are all legal facts and it sure has cost me a lot of money!

Timing is everything here. If I file once he is on his parole term(for other reasons that I also wont disclose here), the date of occurance becomes while being under the supervision of the parole board in which you CANNOT have any legal issues- whether they are a ROR, ACD, Misdemeanor, Violation, Felony, etc... you cant even visit a correctional facility, have any police contact or deal with a legal matter in which you are not the "people" but the defendant. He can't fight me for any custodial rights because he is on parole and the person (OW) that apparently he plans to live with- I happen to have a restraining order against and it is someone that I got arrested. This one is going to be ugly if he tries to battle me and I am sure that she will put him up to it.

NO GOOD!

 

= Basically his fate is in my hands... and she doesn't make it any easier by acting the way she does and doing the ish she is doing. This is someone mentally unstable- obviously and I personally think that she can care less about what really happens to him. More like an ego thing for her to say "SEE I DID IT! I am women enough to make him leave his life for me". (at least this is the situation here, and by no means I am saying that all OW think like this).

 

Sorry to sidetrack this thread... wanna hear funny thing?!?! He just called me! first conversation in 7 months- and when I told him to get legal counsel he said "We have a lot of things to talk about". My response... We have alimony and child support to talk about- I got (silence).

[MimiMe]

You seem very defensive. Ever wonder why?

 

ALL marriages go through ups and downs. Go ask some happily married couples for 50 years or so, they will tell you that at one point or another in their marriage, sometimes for years, it was tough, but they get through it. It will go to good again. At the end of the day, they will always have memories of the holidays they spent together as a family, the bith of their children, etc. Your MM's marriage didn't stand much of a chance because of your invasion. How would you feel if your husband for years whom you have devoted your life to, whom you have take a vow in front of your family and friends, slept with another woman? All I am saying is that his wife and children did not choose this situation, you did, because you choose to have sex with a married man and you continue to choose to do so if he allows it.

 

 

You sound like me... I came to this place by pure coincidence and I was loaded with the same thoughts because I am a BS but just like everything in life, despite the situation that a person may be in they are still human. We are quick to judge and perhaps have been in either side of the spectrum at one point but you come across different personalities that give you insight on few different "theories". Some of the users here hold the same tittle (OW) as the person that just made me lose the one that I had promised to keep (W) but that doesn't take away their intelligence, humor, compassion, personality, but most important their opinion and support. I still share the same ideas with you, but respect them for who they are and agree to disagree. There are some cool characters here... get to know them!

[findmyway]

But findmyway, you have a choice to stop being the victim. If being with a married man and now waiting around on him makes you feel like a victim, then stop doing it.

 

And to me, this situation is very black and white if you want it to be. The black and white part is that he is still married. If you choose to bring yourself into his "gray" area of not knowing whether he should stay married or be with you, then okay, live in the gray area. But if you don't want to be with a man who has to DECIDE whether or not he wants to be with you, and with a man who is still married and trying to work things out with this his wife who doesn't even want to be with him right now, no matter how much of a percentage of him would rather be with you, then step into the black and white area and say "being with a married man is not for me." Make your own black and white or you are going to be waffling in this gray area right along with him for a long time.

 

I hope I don't sound too harsh, I am just trying to get you to see how you should make your own choices about your life and not base it on whether or not this man may or may not go back to his wife. I think you should be thinking in terms of "I am 100% sure I do not want to be with him, because he is not 100% sure he wants to be with me, enough to make it happen." Then you won't have to feel like a victim.

 

 

Nadia..... were you in my counseling appt today??? looks like you took the notes!! I understand what you are saying and this is something I completely am working on.

[Gwyneth]

Nadia..... were you in my counseling appt today??? looks like you took the notes!! I understand what you are saying and this is something I completely am working on.

 

Read her closely and well. The girl knows what she's talking about. Her deen analytical skills really go far and will teach you a lot about life and yourself.

[MimiMe]

Read her closely and well. The girl knows what she's talking about. Her deen analytical skills really go far and will teach you a lot about life and yourself.

 

 

That's a lawyer for ya! but she's witty I her too!

[nadiaj2727]

Read her closely and well. The girl knows what she's talking about. Her deen analytical skills really go far and will teach you a lot about life and yourself.

 

Wow thanks Gwyneth. And Mimi. It's nice to know I've helped.

 

And Mimi-- I didn't read TheRain's post as being overly judgmental, I think she gives sound advice to findmyway and I agree with it. She is just saying that although findmyway's MM *says* his marriage is really bad right now doesn't mean it was destined to end or that it could never be good again. She is trying to get findmyway to look at it from another person's point of view (the wife's) instead of only her own and that perhaps that will help her with her own decision and journey. It does seem to me that marriages go through all kinds of ups and downs and still often survive -- some even survive infidelity.

 

findmyway -- I'm glad you're working on making your own choices and having power over your situation. Good for you.

[TheRain]

And Mimi-- I didn't read TheRain's post as being overly judgmental, I think she gives sound advice to findmyway and I agree with it. She is just saying that although findmyway's MM *says* his marriage is really bad right now doesn't mean it was destined to end or that it could never be good again. She is trying to get findmyway to look at it from another person's point of view (the wife's) instead of only her own and that perhaps that will help her with her own decision and journey. It does seem to me that marriages go through all kinds of ups and downs and still often survive -- some even survive infidelity.

 

 

Objection!!! SHE???

 

But, thank you for agreeing with me. Great minds think alike.

Edited March 21, 2008 by TheRain

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I thought the usual advice to a OW (and to a MM) was to give each relationship space to figure out true feelings and then act from there. Isn't the MM doing what they are usually advised on this board?

 

How come it has to be an other woman? Or placating each other? Maybe he is doing what everyone usually advises - taking time away from both to figure his head out?

 

I dont get this site sometimes...

[Lyssa]

I dont get this site sometimes...

 

That makes two of us, JNRR

[stillafool]

Owl- I am 100% confident there is no #3. That was my huge fear that we would go NC and he would find someone else. He is determined to not carry on any A until M is declared over. He has told me time and again he can not make any promises to anyone... not me, not his W, not his 2 children because he just doesnt know where this is headed. However, our last convo he did tell me the one promise he could make me is that if this ends in divorce, I will be the first person with the opportunity to date him and the only person he would even consider at this point. He says if I will not consider him, then he will have to be alone for while.. but other W are not on his mind.

 

 

Why is this guy saying he can't make any promises to you after being in an affair with you? His wife sounds like she doesn't want him anymore and was willing to file for divorce immediately. Shouldn't this be his time to move forward with his life with you? How nice of him to give you first opportunity to date him if his M ends in divorce. I see it as black and white also--if he wants to be with you this is his chance.

 

What I suspect is happening is he really wants to reconcile with his wife and is waiting to see if she will respond. If not then he will give you your chance. I bet he is doing everything in the book to get her back. Wake up!!!!!