When to put my daughter on birth control?

[Ocean-Blue]

You seem to have given your daughter a great deal of information to absorb at the tender age of 8. You don't want to overwhelm her. Perhaps you should wait a few years before having the sex talk. Really, what is the rush? Considering that you've been so open with her thus far, she probably knows she can come to you if she has any questions, right?

 

Also, have you considered the consequences she will face at school if she is on BC at the age of 12/13 (let's say this is when she begins to menstruate)? Children often ostracize and marginalize. Word of your daughter being on BC will spread and she'll have to face the name calling and whatever else they throw at her.

 

It's one thing to decide to put your child on BC if she's sexually active. But to pre-plan it and say, "I'm going to put her on BC once she gets her period" is irresponsible and unfair to your child. You are burdening her, who is a child, with your adult fears.

 

The best of course of action, IMHO, is to inform her at appropriate stages about sex and whatever else. Let her know that you respect and value her and that she can come to you anytime to discuss things that are on her mind.

 

BC should be a decision she should make, not you. It is her body after all.

[blind_otter]

 

There has to be a less confrontational way of communicating these ideas. Anyone have any suggestions?

 

I have a funny story, anyways...

 

My SO's son is 10, 11 in August. He recently started making off-color jokes about stuff he obviously did not understand (his older brother is 16, I wonder where he gets it from...) so my SO decided to give him the sex talk on the way back to his mom's house one weekend (she lives about 2 hours from us).

 

SO asked how much his son knew. He sorta slapped his hands together and said "That's what happens."

 

So SO explained that the man puts his penis inside a woman's vagina. The boy was silent for a moment, then he said "Wow, pops, that sounds like an all-out ugly collision."

 

Now SO and I will use that terminology on the regular.

 

I think you should prolly give her the sex talk (ie the mechanics) when she asks about it.

[Obama08]

Really thinks it cool for me to wait for her to ask me? If so that's be awesome. It's the confrontation that I hate.

 

"Okay, sit down. Sorry, but it's time to make us both painfully uncomfortable again."

 

I always feel like I ought to be reading off cue cards, like a really awkward interview with Leno.

[SeraBella]

Really thinks it cool for me to wait for her to ask me? If so that's be awesome. It's the confrontation that I hate.

 

"Okay, sit down. Sorry, but it's time to make us both painfully uncomfortable again."

 

I always feel like I ought to be reading off cue cards, like a really awkward interview with Leno.

 

Of course it's cool for you to wait. Eight years old is still so innocent. My niece is 8, and I don't think she is remotely ready for a sex talk yet. My friend's daughters are 9 and 11, and neither one of them is mature enough to handle too much sex talk...the 11 year old has had more simply because she has had her first period.

 

But don't shove this stuff down their throat. It can cause a twisted view. If you're not mature enough to understand it, you may just tuck it away and the light may or may not click later when you need it, or forget about it simply because it's like "oh, whatever." I'm not saying your daughter is not mature, either, I'm just saying she still is 8, and she deserves to be a child and enjoy childish things.

 

There are some things that should be discussed when/ or around the age that she gets her period, so she knows what is going on with her body, and knows what a period means.

 

Make it known that she can come to you, your fiance, or some other adult that she can trust for information, REAL information when she's ready for it...so she's not going to her friends who say things like "you can't get pregnant your first time" or "pulling out is safe." If she's not ready to understand the information, if she can't fully comprehend it, it won't really be effective.

[Obama08]

I should talk to my parents, see when they first talked to me. I have no memory of that conversation... but then I kind of have a goldfish's memory anyway...

 

I can probably hold off on the sex talk until her first period too, but I do worry about piling all this information on her all at once.

 

Oh yeah, though I wasn't there for it my fiancee did have a talk with her about periods. So she has some idea what to expect.

 

Until she has her first period I suppose I really have nothing to worry about, and the whole issue can go back burner unless she brings it up herself. I'm way more comfortable with that.

Edited March 10, 2008 by Obama08

[whichwayisup]

She's more than likely atleast 3-4 years away from getting her period so stop stressing about it now. It's good to be prepared...You've got years to ask friends/family advice too.

[Obama08]

I've really been going over this and I've come to the conclusion that yes, just putting her on birth control so I don't have to worry about it is not the way to go. That isn't to say she can't go on birth control right away if she wants to, but it is her body, her decision, and it's important for her to know that.

 

As her father I guess I was just looking for a quick fix, and easy out of having to worry about an unplanned pregnancy, but I suppose there are no easy answers or perfect solutions. Talking with (most of) you folks has been genuinely helpful, and I appreciate all the input. Thank you

Edited March 10, 2008 by Obama08

[reddog63]

I've really been going over this and I've come to the conclusion that yes, just putting her on birth control so I don't have to worry about it is not the way to go. That isn't to say she can't go on birth control right away if she wants to, but it is her body, her decision, and it's important for her to know that.

 

As her father I guess I was just looking for a quick fix, and easy out of having to worry about an unplanned pregnancy, but I suppose there are no easy answers or perfect solutions. Talking with (most of) you folks has been genuinely helpful, and I appreciate all the input. Thank you

 

So the daughter in question is 8 years old? For some reason I kind of feel sorry for that child.

[Obama08]

So the daughter in question is 8 years old? For some reason I kind of feel sorry for that child.

 

She's 8 now, but we're talking about when she hits puberty, probably 4-5 years from now.

[Mary3]

Yes, I have read and replied on that other thread.

 

I guess you haven't read my replies on this thread because then you'd know I think he's very wrong for considering the BC pill for his daughter at such an early age.

 

Sorry WWIU , I don't have the greatest memory for who all responded to Obamas posts , as most were very upsetting so my apologies again. Its upsetting all that he is doing to his little girl , planning her sex life and all this other garbage to get long posts started when once again his biggest concern is HIMSELF , not his child. So please understand I won't be replying to this attention who** anymore .

 

I will always try to help people if they need it here. But you can't help this guy because he just wants to post outrageous stuff like " I wonder if my 3 year old likes lube or unlubed condoms ? " This garbage I cant respond to anymore.

 

There are REAL people out there needing our help. Those are the ones I will try to assist. Troll~like ~Obama ones I just can't stomach anymore.

 

I wonder if anyone else sees this pathetic guy as really needing help ( ? ) or CPS to come in and give that child a real good home...

[Mary3]

Yes WWIU I do remember you also being against birth control pills at such a young age. I read recently that the pill in the long term can be quite damaging. I know if you are 35 or older and smoke , the pill is very risky.

 

So yes I do remember. I hope you understand the huge red flags I feel when I read Obamas posts. I just wonder if I'm the only one feeling there is not something quite right about this guy ?

[Obama08]

Mary3 and I are very different people. Based on her posts I'd venture a guess that she aligns pretty far to the right (correct me if I'm wrong Mary.)

 

She believes that sex should come after marriage, and that marriage should be between one man and one woman (this is her opinion and I respect it) but she feels that those who think differently are wrong, and that they need to be convinced of this error. What's worse, they actually seem happy. Their poor life choices haven't backfired at all. This makes her job that much harder.

 

It's naturally very frustrating for her when people who live their lives on their own terms have children and pass on those values. It's also frustrating that no one else seems to see the horrible errors that these leftists are making. It's very obvious to her how unhealthy is is for everyone involved. If she can convince enough people, maybe the tides will turn, and she won't have to feel so alone. It's hard being a one woman lynch mob.

 

What Mary doesn't understand is that most people, regardless of their own social alignment, give people the benefit of the doubt when it comes to their own lives. It's a simple courtesy we extend as fellow members of a society.

 

In Mary's mind this is unacceptable. She believes that to admit that people who believe differently than she does are not "wrong" is to weaken the foundation of her own belief system. Therefore she lashes out. It's important for her to prove herself morally superior, so she looks for red herrings or loosely phrased statements that can be turned or twisted.

 

For instance, if someone accepts the reality that very young teens do sometimes have sex, and suggests that rather than condemning the act as "wrong" we present the idea of using contraceptives, that person is a pedophile.

 

It's naturally rather upsetting for the person under attack, but they understand that it isn't really Mary's fault. She's simply defending her fragile belief system the only way she knows how. For her to be right, everyone else must be wrong.

 

I don't expect Mary to change, but it's comforting for me to know that the world is changing. Your average person is pretty accepting these days. Alternative culture is becoming more mainstream everyday. What some believe to be fall of western civilization I see as the first true test of personal freedom since the civil rights movement, and thus far I'm very optimistic.

 

I understand that the ideas I'm presenting may seem somewhat radical, and as we've seen with this thread, I can be wrong. I happily accept my error. I am not a perfect person by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm not an evil person either. Just different.

Edited March 11, 2008 by Obama08

[reddog63]

Mary3 and I are very different people. Based on her posts I'd venture a guess that she aligns pretty far to the right (correct me if I'm wrong Mary.)

 

She believes that sex should come after marriage, and that marriage should be between one man and one woman. This is her opinion and I respect it, but like many on the right, she feels that those who think differently are wrong, and that they need to be convinced of this error. What's worse, they actually seem happy. Their poor life choices haven't backfired at all. This makes her job that much harder.

 

It's naturally very frustrating for her when people who live their lives on their own terms have children and pass on those values. It's also frustrating that no one else seems to see the horrible errors that these leftists are making. It's very obvious to her how unhealthy is is for everyone involved. If she can convince enough people, maybe the tides will turn, and she won't have to feel so alone. It's hard being a one woman lynch mob.

 

What Mary doesn't understand is that most people, regardless of their own social alignment, give people the benefit of the doubt when it comes to their own lives. It's a simple courtesy we extend as fellow members of a society.

 

In Mary's mind this is unacceptable. She believes that to admit that people who believe differently than she does are not "wrong" is to weaken the foundation of her own belief system. Therefore she lashes out. It's important for her to prove herself morally superior, so she looks for red herrings or loosely phrased statements that can be turned or twisted.

 

For instance, if someone accepts the reality that very young teens do sometimes have sex, and suggests that rather than condemning the act as "wrong" we present the idea of using contraceptives, that person is a pedophile.

 

It's naturally rather upsetting for the person under attack, but they understand that it isn't really Mary's fault. She's simply defending her fragile belief system the only way she knows how. For her to be right, everyone else must be wrong.

 

I don't expect Mary to change, but it's comforting for me to know that the world is changing. Your average person is pretty accepting these days. Alternative culture is becoming more mainstream everyday. What some believe to be fall of western civilization I see as the first true test of personal freedom since the civil rights movement, and thus far I'm very optimistic.

 

I understand that the ideas I'm presenting may seem somewhat radical, and as we've seen with this thread, I can be wrong. I happily accept my error. I am not a perfect person by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm not an evil person either. Just different.

 

I know there is no convincing you. But I do have daughters of my own. At age 8 I am talking with her about her webkins, or what happened today in 3RD GRADE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is not the normal............I would not put my kids on birth control, but at least if someone parent is talking about doing had kids around 16 I wouldnt have such a strong opinion.

 

Noooo..........this is a kid who is 8, your fixated on sex........your bound and determined to sexualize her at a young age.................you dont know yourself if you want to try it with a man.........

 

It is not radical...........it is wrong.......it is nasty...........Again, I feel sorry for you kid.

Edited March 11, 2008 by reddog63

[Obama08]

See, and then there are people who read very selectively. As I've said repeatedly, we're talking 4-5 years from now, and I've already determined that even that is probably too soon. But I'm sure they'll skip over this post, again, or read only the words they want to read to support their preconceived notions of morality.

 

The real telltale sign is here:

 

you dont know yourself if you want to try it with a man.........

 

This is true. What it has to do with the subject at hand I have no idea, but it obviously bothers reddog63 in a way he/she can't define, and so they must create a new definition, in this case, a terrible parent bent on pimping out his kid, which if you read my posts is clearly not the case.

 

I've said repeatedly how uncomfortable the idea of my daughters eventual sexuality makes me, but closing your eyes doesn't make the world go away, and it's something I will have to face at some point.

 

My knee jerk reaction to the problem was to wish it away with fancy chemicals. I've accepted that this would be irresponsible and defeatist, but that still leaves the problem. I have a responsibility as a parent to play a part in my child's sexual education, and there is such a thing as waiting too long.

Edited March 11, 2008 by Obama08

[Touche]

I've really been going over this and I've come to the conclusion that yes, just putting her on birth control so I don't have to worry about it is not the way to go. That isn't to say she can't go on birth control right away if she wants to, but it is her body, her decision, and it's important for her to know that.

 

As her father I guess I was just looking for a quick fix, and easy out of having to worry about an unplanned pregnancy, but I suppose there are no easy answers or perfect solutions. Talking with (most of) you folks has been genuinely helpful, and I appreciate all the input. Thank you

 

I can respect this. And although I didn't agree with your stance on this issue, at least you're thinking about it and concerned for your daughter. I mean that in itself is a sign of a good parent. How many parents just bury their heads in the sand and don't address the issue at all?

[Obama08]

Thanks Touche

 

I'm adopting a new strategy:

 

Baby steps. Small bits of information sprinkled in over a span of several years. With luck she'll be asking the questions and I can simply answer, but I think a very gradual, non confrontational approach will work best, and keep those questions coming. It's just going to take some adjustment on my part which will also probably come gradually as she ages.

 

Once she's 17 or 18 I'd like to think I'll be comfortable with the idea of her having sex. That may not happen, but it's a goal. Something to work toward.

 

Here is a new question:

 

How do you enforce the idea of preventing an unplanned pregnancy at a young age without unintentionally implying that I regret she was born?

Edited March 11, 2008 by Obama08

[reddog63]

See, and then there are people who read very selectively. As I've said repeatedly, we're talking 4-5 years from now, and I've already determined that even that is probably too soon. But I'm sure they'll skip over this post, again, or read only the words they want to read to support their preconceived notions of morality.

 

The real telltale sign is here:

 

 

 

This is true. What it has to do with the subject at hand I have no idea, but it obviously bothers reddog63 in a way he/she can't define, and so they must create a new definition, in this case, a terrible parent bent on pimping out his kid, which if you read my posts is clearly not the case.

 

I've said repeatedly how uncomfortable the idea of my daughters eventual sexuality makes me, but closing your eyes doesn't make the world go away, and it's something I will have to face at some point.

 

My knee jerk reaction to the problem was to wish it away with fancy chemicals. I've accepted that this would be irresponsible and defeatist, but that still leaves the problem. I have a responsibility as a parent to play a part in my child's sexual education, and there is such a thing as waiting too long.

 

After her first period she's going on the pill, and by junior high I'll make damn sure she has condoms on hand. She can have sex with whoever she wants, a boy, a girl, a boy and a girl, doesn't matter to me, but they damn well better respect her.

 

I'm not Christian, and never have been. While my daughter is free to practice any religion she chooses (and I'm happy to drive her to church) I expect she'll grow out of religion eventually as I did when I entered high school.

 

Talked about it with my fiancee. She was 13 when she started on birth control. I think that's when we'll start my daughter, depending on when her first period is and when she enters Jr. High.

 

Many of you seem to think I'm planning to encourage my daughter to have sex once she's old enough. This is not the case. Having car insurance doesn't mean you have to enter a demolition derby.

 

That can happen instantly. I know from experience the power of love at first sight, but keep in mind I also feel that sex between good friends is okay. Just because you disagree doesn't make us wrong.

 

That can happen instantly. I know from experience the power of love at first sight, but keep in mind I also feel that sex between good friends is okay. Just because you disagree doesn't make us wrong.

 

My ex is a bisexual beautician and fellow swinger. She followed her boyfriend (also bi) to Seattle in 2006, and handed me primary custody. She even filled out the paper work for me. All I had to do was sign. The idea originally was that I would keep our daughter until she found a decent place to live, but a year and a half later it's feeling pretty permanent. She thinks I'm a good father (and she frequently defends me from her pentecostal parents.) She's a good person, always has been. No bad blood between us, though I do wish my daughter got to see her more often.

 

We're very liberal people. Both artists. Both fierce defenders of personal liberty. Both swingers. It's fair to say I was never really in love with my ex. She was a "friend with benefits" but she got pregnant (yes I'm the father) and we got married under a lot of pressure from her parents, and it worked out alright. For five years we were basically roommates, and I was sad when she left, but I understood her desire to find real love, and that being married to me was too great an obstacle to that goal. We've both found real love now, so I've got no regrets. I got a great kid out of the deal. No messy divorce. Everything turned out just fine.

 

 

Just some of the things you have said above..............sorry........I agree.......it must have been selective reading...........my apologies.........

[Obama08]

Just some of the things you have said above..............sorry........I agree.......it must have been selective reading...........my apologies.........

 

No problem. I can see where you were coming from based on the quotes above, you just needed to keep reading. Apology accepted.

[Touche]

Thanks Touche

 

I'm adopting a new strategy:

 

Baby steps. Small bits of information sprinkled in over a span of several years. With luck she'll be asking the questions and I can simply answer, but I think a very gradual, non confrontational approach will work best, and keep those questions coming. It's just going to take some adjustment on my part which will also probably come gradually as she ages.

 

Once she's 17 or 18 I'd like to think I'll be comfortable with the idea of her having sex. That may not happen, but it's a goal. Something to work toward.

 

Here is a new question:

 

How do you enforce the idea of preventing an unplanned pregnancy at a young age without unintentionally implying that I regret she was born?

 

You're welcome and your approach sounds like a good and reasonable one. Keeping the lines of communication going is the best way, in my opinion.

 

As for your question, you're analyzing too much I think. I don't think stating your views regarding unplanned pregnancies will automatically lead her to jump to the conclusion that she was unplanned (whether she was or not.) At some point, she may ask you about it but I'd answer honestly. I seem to recall you saying that she WAS unplanned. I'd tell her the truth. I'd tell her that it would have been best to wait and have a planned pregnancy but that you certainly don't regret having her. Just that maybe you would have held off having her for a few more years so that you could accomplish xy and z or whatever.

 

More than likely though, she'll never jump to that conclusion. I don't think most kids would. Were you particularly young when you had her?

[Obama08]

Were you particularly young when you had her?

 

19. She was definitely unplanned. Not that I have any regrets now mind you, but it really threw a wrench in the gears for a while.

[Touche]

19. She was definitely unplanned. Not that I have any regrets now mind you, but it really threw a wrench in the gears for a while.

 

Well, if she asks, and only if she asks, I'd be honest about that. In the mean time, there's nothing wrong with your advising her to wait to have children.

[Obama08]

Here is an article with some views and statistics.

 

[edit] and another, and another, and another.

Edited March 11, 2008 by Obama08

[Art_Critic]

That article deals with Teens.. up to 17 years of age.. Your daughter is 8 years old and 5 years from even becoming a teen so that article doesn't really apply to your daughter.

 

5 years is a long time.. why the preoccupation with her becoming pregnant at 8 years of age ?

 

Even is she has her period at 12 that doesn't mean she will have sex and further more I believe that you should concentrate on being a good parent.. a child that has has good parenting about sex and birth control ( at a proper age ) will do alright by herself.

 

Parenting is where the secret lies.. not drugs... How can you really believe that drugs are better than parenting at that age ?.. 15 might be a different story but your daughter is 7 years from 15

[Obama08]

It was more the thought of a preemptive counter measure.

 

Being a good parent, even a great parent, guarantees nothing, but thinking about it, even if she were on birth control, I'd still need to be trusting her to take it, which really isn't all that different than trusting her to use condoms.

 

As for why I'm worried about it now... I don't have a good answer for that, but I am. Yes I've got years before it's an issue, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't plan ahead, just like I'm planning ahead for her first car (a Volvo if I can afford one, a Subaru if I can't) or her college education (applying for jobs at UAF. Staff and their families get free tuition.)

 

She isn't me, and she's not doomed to repeat my mistakes, and that's something I need to keep reminding myself of, but on the other hand if she did get pregnant it would f*cking kill me. I have no idea how my parents managed to swallow that pill.

Edited March 11, 2008 by Obama08

[SeraBella]

 

Here is a new question:

 

How do you enforce the idea of preventing an unplanned pregnancy at a young age without unintentionally implying that I regret she was born?

 

If she knows you love her, she won't think that you regret it. Honestly.

 

Life HAS to be kinda rough for her right now. Her mother basically abandoned her. She may be a good person, but she chose her boyfriend over her daughter, and your daughter IS old enough to understand that.

 

Also, she has another "mom" living with you and soon to be married to you. I'm assuming your fiance loves her (I get the feeling she does from your posts), but this is hard to accept, too...at any age, let alone age 8.

 

These are the things you should focused on right now, not her eventual sexuality.

 

If she ends up pregnant at an early age, it may have nothing to do with how much or little sexual education she had...it could be a result of low self esteem, and simply looking to feel loved.

 

There's no doubt in my mind that you love your daughter. And I'm not going to put down your lifestyle choices simply because they are not the same ones I have made. But I do think, as a parent, that you need to put your daughter first and make the sacrifices necessary to raise a healthy child. It doesn't mean completely ignoring your own happiness, because your health is important as well, but it does mean that she should come first. So you need to consider her in every decision you make, and you need to put her needs before yours in those decisions, as well. You didn't choose to be a parent, but you are one, and that's how it works if you're trying to raise a healthy individual.