All at once

[OpenBook]

So far I think one of the reasons is because I have been too nice. Yes, there is such a thing. I've been passive in my M because I had a strong mother and my father cheated and I mistakenly thought it was because she was too stubborn or too strong. If I just kept the peace then my H would love me and want to please me. How wrong I was.

 

Being nice and being passive are two separate things. You can be nice without being passive.

 

Although I'm not originally from the South, I've spent most of my adult life here, and I've learned quite a few tricks from a few genuine Southern Belles I've met. This is one of them.

 

Strength isn't always a show of brute force. Sometimes it's quiet, like an undercurrent. I hope you don't think you have to give up being "nice" in order not to let people run over you like a bus. You don't.

 

When a woman constantly pleases her H she just loses herself entirely. I'm not saying we shouldn't please at all, just not too much or to the point we lose our identity and strength.

 

I totally agree with this. And this is true for any man, not just a H. It's what they say they want, but when they actually get it they abuse it and it does NOT make them happy. Frankly I'm not sure what DOES make them happy. I'm still working on that. But in any case, NO man is worth giving up your identity and strength. And they have no right to ask you to give that up. Ever.

 

Plus my H enjoys living on the edge. It excites him.

 

Well, let him dance along on that edge then. Knock yourself out, buddy. But don't you go dragging my friend WF over the edge right along with you, or I'll come and kick your @ss.

 

Going back to school was helping to make me strong. Just hearing my professors tell me how intelligent I was and getting the highest points in some of my classes built up my self-esteem. My H didn't like this. I guess it threatened him. By the way, MM loves reading my papers or just discussing them with me and finds them very interesting. What a guy!

 

That's very interesting that your H doesn't like it. Very interesting... Says a lot about of him. None of it good.

 

You're doing one of the smartest things you could ever do for yourself by going back to school. It will pay off in spades, in ways you can't even imagine. Also, there is a growing concern in the business world about the coming "brain drain" in the workforce as the Boomers start retiring. Companies are really starting to "romance" their older workers. My company is doing this (it's a huge, worldwide corporation). We're sitting in the catbird seat, girlfriend!! Our future looks bright. It'll be even better with a degree. It will give you a jump-start up the salary ladder.

 

How are you doing since ovary was removed? Does everything still function properly if you know what I mean? I do concern myself with this. Life is short and I want the rest of it to be passionate!

 

OMG you would not believe how much better it is. First of all, I'm no longer controlled by my hormones. What a great feeling! It's like being released from prison after decades of confinement. I don't know what to do with myself, I'm so happy!! Second of all, it has not taken anything away from my femininity and passion - in fact it has enhanced it exponentially. I have no idea why... maybe because now I'm FINALLY feeling like myself again, and men are drawn to that relaxed confidence?? I don't know. All I know is I am getting hit on by more men than I've ever had at any other time in my entire life. (I understand COMPLETELY where Lizzie is coming from!!:D) Young guys, old guys, guys my age - it doesn't matter... they all just get that "glow" in their eyes when they talk to me. This has NEVER happened to me before, EVER. Every great once in awhile, a random guy maybe would... but not on a constant and consistent basis, like it's happening now. It's the damndest thing I've ever seen.

 

And yes, everything that matters is still functioning properly, as "perky" as ever!! :D The only different thing I've noticed is my skin is drier (easily corrected with more moisturizing lotions), and I'm a little more sensitive to changes in environmental temperature than I used to be. That's it. A very small price to pay for finally being FREE AT LAST.

[whichwayisup]

OB, you have me interested...Would it be possible for you to start a thread in the health section about having your ovaries removed. I have a bunch of questions too but don't want hijack this thread.

[OpenBook]

OB, you have me interested...Would it be possible for you to start a thread in the health section about having your ovaries removed. I have a bunch of questions too but don't want hijack this thread.

 

Done. The thread is called "Thank God Almighty - I Am FREE AT LAST!!" and it's in the Sexual Health and Reproductive Reptile Egg-Hatcher Practices (or something like that)...

[White Flower]

White Flower,

 

You certainly have a lot on your plate right now. More than I would have guessed.

 

Your H's gambling thing is serious. It's possible some people here don't understand it. Where I live (currently) gambling is legal, and there are Casino's everywhere. When I moved here 10 years ago I didn't gamble at all. I couldn never afford it raising kids, and I didn't start.

 

After my divorce I slowly started the "gaming" thing. While it never affected my lifestyle, it certainly ate up a lot of the extra's and made saving impossible. Luckily I lost interest middle last year and haven't missed it. Gambling is often a way for people to fight being lonely, did you know that? I didn't "quit" gambling, I lost interest.

 

I now know many people who's life is consumed by gambling. They have great incomes, and live in trailers, driving 20 year old cars because every dollar is wasted looking for the score. If your husband is one of those there is no hope other than just quitting.

 

I am agast as well to read of your health problems. I have some to. They are hard to work around. You say yours are easily controlled, that is a blessing.

 

Your writing describes a good, and loving person. With just the smallest piece of luck you will come through these travails intact. I will say some prayers!

 

Thanks so much, LSD. I am very glad to hear that you lost interest in the game. My H has talked himself into believing that as long as he does it through the stock market then it is investing and respectable. However, I have years and years of proof of losses and no gains. He changes his order every 10 minutes online. It can only be called an addiction. I've probably given TMI at this point, but there it is.

 

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers. All I really have is LS, MM, and some close friends. I so appreciate it all.

[OWoman]

WF You are in my thoughts as ever. (((Hugs)))

[White Flower]

 

And yes, everything that matters is still functioning properly, as "perky" as ever!! :D The only different thing I've noticed is my skin is drier (easily corrected with more moisturizing lotions), and I'm a little more sensitive to changes in environmental temperature than I used to be. That's it. A very small price to pay for finally being FREE AT LAST.

 

Thanks, OB, you are awesome! And congrats on the freedom you now enjoy--I'm so happy for you.

 

Yes, I now understand the difference between being nice and being passive. This will never come between me and my dignity again:)

[White Flower]

WF You are in my thoughts as ever. (((Hugs)))

Thanks for the support as usual OW:p

[Ariadne]

Thanks so much, LSD. I am very glad to hear that you lost interest in the game. My H has talked himself into believing that as long as he does it through the stock market then it is investing and respectable. However, I have years and years of proof of losses and no gains. He changes his order every 10 minutes online. It can only be called an addiction. I've probably given TMI at this point, but there it is.

 

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers. All I really have is LS, MM, and some close friends. I so appreciate it all.

 

Hey,

 

I know of a couple that had a similar problem. The husband was gambling it all away.

 

So what they did was to legally separate so she was able to keep all of her assets, and the creditors wouldn't go after her.

 

After they got divorced they continued to live together as a couple, but she kept her peace of mind.

 

Not sure if this will work in your case since your relationship is stranded, but is an alternative.

[White Flower]

Did I mention my computer went down yesterday? And now I'm borrowing my daughter's laptop?

 

So today I go to the store for cat food and kitty litter. My car wouldn't start so thankfully I used my daughter's. I can't ask H for help at this point.

 

The store was full of Valentine's flowers and men swarming to buy cards for their honeys. I wondered if MM has done this for his W and if he feels obligated to do it for me.

 

The store didn't have our brand of cat food and it just won't do for our kitties so I went to another store. More flowers; more men buying cards.

 

At this point I'm not even going to ask what next. I know it will be shown to me. Smile, breath, and laugh. It's all I can do:)

[OWoman]

Yes, I now understand the difference between being nice and being passive. This will never come between me and my dignity again:)

 

Sadly WF some insights have to be earned the hard way. You gave your M your all, and so you can walk away knowing you did what you could, but it takes two and you're only one half of that. But you've learned and grown from that, and now you're ready and recognise that you're deserving of a better partner.

 

Now, if better partner would step up and acknowledge the same...

[marlena]

I have never felt secure and that eats away at you and they say stress causes disease

 

I believe this to be true without a doubt. When the soul gets sick,so does the body. Once you remove the causes of stress in your life, a new and better life will begin, a life you never dreamed possible. You are already on the road to recovery although you may not feel it right now.

 

Your strength of character is apparent in the choices that you have already made. Most people would shatter into a million pieces but you, even through all this misfortune, have the will and the determination to go back to school to further your education. That itself is a huge accomplishment and an adimrable goal. After years of staying in a troubled marriage, you have at last found the courage to end it. It seems you have raised three wonderful children. I agree with you that it is important to present a strong and independent role model to your children. It will inspire them and equip them with the fortitude and courage they will need to get through life.

 

Stay positive and strong and your health will improve. Once you get your new life on track and the stress levels start to drop, you will feel better. I had an ovarian cyst surgically removed right before Christmas. It was a breeze. Both my father and grandfather had skin cancer and it was dealt with easily and definitively.

 

You will make it to the other side and be better off for it. Stay strong and, yes, throughout all these hardships, keep smiling, heck, better still laugh out loud.

 

Always,

 

Marlena

[White Flower]

 

You will make it to the other side and be better off for it. Stay strong and, yes, throughout all these hardships, keep smiling, heck, better still laugh out loud.

 

Always,

 

Marlena

Thanks, Marlena.

 

I know I'm going to get through this and I smile as I write this. I have even laughed at all the snafus today. Once you hit bottom all you can do is look up. And then smile;)

 

Thanks to everyone for the encouragement. I feel better already today.

[Lyssa]

Thanks so much, Lyssa. I didn't cry while writing my post, but I am now:lmao: --happy tears and yes, I'm smiling:)

 

As long as they are happy tears - it's all good!!

 

V.Day is pretty big here too and I see men buying flowers, candies and my friends are booking restaurants/hotel rooms . It doesn't get to me cause it's not my culture to celebrate it but it's good to see couples taking it seriously. I'm sure MM has something planned for you - maybe a special gift etc - who knows?

 

I hope you are flashing that beautiful of yours today!

[White Flower]

As long as they are happy tears - it's all good!!

 

V.Day is pretty big here too and I see men buying flowers, candies and my friends are booking restaurants/hotel rooms . It doesn't get to me cause it's not my culture to celebrate it but it's good to see couples taking it seriously. I'm sure MM has something planned for you - maybe a special gift etc - who knows?

 

I hope you are flashing that beautiful of yours today!

Thanks, Lyssa.

 

I know this is going to sound corny, but if all I get is a hug and a smile it is surely enough for me.

 

I think today got to me for two reasons; one is because I know this is the very last Vday with H and that's not so bad it just takes getting used to. The other reason is that sometimes I wonder if MM feels an obligation toward me and if it's just too much work keeping it going with two women. And even more honest, I wonder if he still enjoys doing those things for his W. But I'm not going to dwell on that too much tonight.

[Lyssa]

Thanks, Lyssa.

 

I know this is going to sound corny, but if all I get is a hug and a smile it is surely enough for me.

 

I think today got to me for two reasons; one is because I know this is the very last Vday with H and that's not so bad it just takes getting used to. The other reason is that sometimes I wonder if MM feels an obligation toward me and if it's just too much work keeping it going with two women. And even more honest, I wonder if he still enjoys doing those things for his W. But I'm not going to dwell on that too much tonight.

 

Nothing sounds corny when it comes from a woman!

 

I know what you're saying - when MM was still with W, I wondered if he had something planned for them. You know, I always have the tendency to ask things I know I don't really want to know the answer to but I ask anyway so last year, I asked if he had anything planned and he said just dinner at home with baked salmon and salad (he loves to cook). I didn't feel anything because he was in another country at that time and second, I wasn't really into him at that time . I wondered if he still enjoyed doing it too but this year, it's a diff story. xW is celebrating V.Day with a new beau!

 

Oh well, you have your children and celebrating V.Day with them will be more satisfying! Or I would like to think so if I was in your situation.

 

[[[WF]]]

[White Flower]

Nothing sounds corny when it comes from a woman!

 

I know what you're saying - when MM was still with W, I wondered if he had something planned for them. You know, I always have the tendency to ask things I know I don't really want to know the answer to but I ask anyway so last year, I asked if he had anything planned and he said just dinner at home with baked salmon and salad (he loves to cook). I didn't feel anything because he was in another country at that time and second, I wasn't really into him at that time . I wondered if he still enjoyed doing it too but this year, it's a diff story. xW is celebrating V.Day with a new beau!

 

Oh well, you have your children and celebrating V.Day with them will be more satisfying! Or I would like to think so if I was in your situation.

 

[[[WF]]]

 

Yes, I will enjoy the day with my kids. I will also enjoy the fact that MM is in my life and will do almost anything to make me smile. It is enough right now.

 

I think the hardest part is going through all the changes. But I know it will make me stronger.

 

It is interesting that you said you ask questions even though you don't want to know the answers. I think you do want to know the answers even though they might hurt you. It shows your willingness to accept the truth and deal with it.

 

By the way, H got my car started today so I must give him that. He said I should take it for an oil change and so I did. I am grateful to have that taken care of. But my computer is still on the outs and my daughter will get tired of me borrowing her laptop, I'm sure. But so far she is being a champ.

[Chrome Barracuda]

So sorry to hear about your cancer WF, my heart goes out to you, I fear my mother is gonna develop lung cancer one of these days she smokes too damn much.

 

But one thing that disturbs me is that you have alot of agression against your husband for his cheating, but arent you cheating yourself???

 

wTF???

 

Why cant you just let that go and move on with your life. I see alot of resentment against him. But your doing him dirty, just like you did him!

 

Why dont you divorce first and then date? Why cheat? Why not tell him?

[OWoman]

I know what you're saying - when MM was still with W, I wondered if he had something planned for them. You know, I always have the tendency to ask things I know I don't really want to know the answer to but I ask anyway so last year, I asked if he had anything planned and he said just dinner at home with baked salmon and salad (he loves to cook). I didn't feel anything because he was in another country at that time and second, I wasn't really into him at that time . I wondered if he still enjoyed doing it too but this year, it's a diff story. xW is celebrating V.Day with a new beau!

 

Although my MM and his W are no longer together, she still has expectations that he will "surprise her" and take her out on VDay, shower her with gifts and flowers, and treat her the way she always demanded he treat her when they were together. She sent a message with the kids to make sure he knows!

 

I've never been big on commercial holidays, that crass level of marketing hysteria switches me off entirely.

 

WF - just think, this is your last VDay to be disappointed. Next year you'll be free of all that...

[Lyssa]

Yes, I will enjoy the day with my kids. I will also enjoy the fact that MM is in my life and will do almost anything to make me smile. It is enough right now.

 

I think the hardest part is going through all the changes. But I know it will make me stronger.

 

It is interesting that you said you ask questions even though you don't want to know the answers. I think you do want to know the answers even though they might hurt you. It shows your willingness to accept the truth and deal with it.

 

By the way, H got my car started today so I must give him that. He said I should take it for an oil change and so I did. I am grateful to have that taken care of. But my computer is still on the outs and my daughter will get tired of me borrowing her laptop, I'm sure. But so far she is being a champ.

 

Yes! There's your kids and MM so that's all good. It's the simplest and smallest gesture that really gets to you, doesn't it? It works for me.

 

Changes are good. Changes make you a stronger person - they make you realise/notice things you wouldn't have thought you would.

 

You know what WF, you're right! I do want to know the answers even though they will hurt me and I am usually prepared to hear the answers anyway . I'm a bit like my late mother - I like to think the worst! And usually the answers are better than my thoughts!

 

That was nice of your H . Do you think he'll change for the better? I mean sometimes it takes something huge to happen to change someone, you know what I mean? Am I making sense here? . She's your daughter, of course she'll do anything for you! Lending her laptop would be nothing

 

Although my MM and his W are no longer together, she still has expectations that he will "surprise her" and take her out on VDay, shower her with gifts and flowers, and treat her the way she always demanded he treat her when they were together. She sent a message with the kids to make sure he knows!

 

I've never been big on commercial holidays, that crass level of marketing hysteria switches me off entirely.

 

WF - just think, this is your last VDay to be disappointed. Next year you'll be free of all that...

 

Is she not seeing someone new? I don't get that - why do people still have expectations when things are over? My X still expects me to call him up on his birthdays etc

 

Argh - tell me about it! If V.Day is about celebrating love then I don't think it should only be on the 14th Feb.

[White Flower]

Although my MM and his W are no longer together, she still has expectations that he will "surprise her" and take her out on VDay, shower her with gifts and flowers, and treat her the way she always demanded he treat her when they were together. She sent a message with the kids to make sure he knows!

 

I've never been big on commercial holidays, that crass level of marketing hysteria switches me off entirely.

 

WF - just think, this is your last VDay to be disappointed. Next year you'll be free of all that...

So right, OW. Always on the upside! This is a turning point.

[White Flower]

So sorry to hear about your cancer WF, my heart goes out to you, I fear my mother is gonna develop lung cancer one of these days she smokes too damn much.

 

But one thing that disturbs me is that you have alot of agression against your husband for his cheating, but arent you cheating yourself???

 

wTF???

 

Why cant you just let that go and move on with your life. I see alot of resentment against him. But your doing him dirty, just like you did him!

 

Why dont you divorce first and then date? Why cheat? Why not tell him?

Hey Chrome,

 

Thanks for the kind thoughts.

 

I do not have any aggression toward my H but I do have resentment. He has used me, neglected me, taken me for granted, etc. I don't want to go on because I am ready to let go and live on. If you knew everything he's done to me YOU would probably be glad that I cheated and thought he deserved it. And in case you didn't know, I tried to D him 2 years ago and he simply wouldn't leave 'his' house. He knew it was over yet still wanted control over me. I was broken. Just broken.

 

I am not really doing him dirty; we haven't slept together in a very long time.

 

I actually understood his reasons for his A. She made him feel like a hero. He'd been doing all the above to me and he wasn't exactly my hero at the time so she slid right in. I no longer blame either one of them. In fact, I wish now they could be there for each other. Never thought I'd say that.

 

As for your mom's smoking and possible lung cancer; lung cancer often spreads to other parts of the body and chances are it will be brain cancer or other kinds. Please google this, print it out and show it to her. My dad quit, but it was too late. He had lung cancer that went to his brain and he only had 6 months after the brain cancer was diagnosed. Best of luck to you and your mother.

[Meaplus3]

I thought I would make my 1000th post by starting a new thread and give an update on my sitch.

 

I hope to not give out TMI so I'll cut some of the details and if it seems lacking please PM me.

 

Many of you know that my H has not acted like a real H in a long time. He's had gambling issues, among many others, but he's practically gambled our lives away. It sounds like an exaggeration, but when a man cashes out his retirement plan again and again for the purpose of gambling one tends to feel an insecurity that is unimaginable. You throw in an EA with another woman (could have been PA but no confession of that) and total lack of consideration for your W (me) then all hell breaks lose.

 

I had held out as long as I could because I have children and the youngest is pretty sensitive. When I first began communicating the idea of a separation or divorce, my two older kids were behind me all the way and thought I deserved happiness and knew I was never going to get it with H. My youngest was instant waterworks and couldn't talk about it so I put it off for her sake. Finally a couple of weeks ago she told me she thought I would be better off without him. The next day I gave my lawyer a retainer.

 

I should also add that my H wouldn't go for an uncontested D and it would cost us everything in lawyers fees to D. So, I held out thinking I could eventually show him the financial benefit of filing uncontested. After all, more money in the end means more for him to gamble freely, right?

 

It is only by a small miracle that I had the money for that retainer. To keep this a short story instead of a novel I'll hold off explaining that one for a while.

 

The day after I saw my lawyer I found out that I have skin cancer and an ovarian cyst. I feel lucky, though, because I am not in any pain and both are treatable with surgery and I won't be dealing with chemo. Hopefully I'll just go on the pill to shrink the cyst but I see my OBgyn this week and she'll let me know her plan of action. I am avoiding surgery on that like the plague, lol. I told myself that I am going to smile all the way through this. Please remind me of that from time to time, OK?

 

I am still seeing MM and when I told him about all this he said, "We'll get through this." He said 'we'll'...I've never heard such words from my H. I almost cried.

 

I did not tell my H any of this as we are not speaking. When I enter the house he does not raise his head to say hello. He just keeps on working on his computer and acts like I do not exist. He's had a feeling that something is going on for a while now and I can't blame him for that, but he has never come right out and asked me so I have never offered up the info. It was over anyway, so why tell him anything? He never told me about the millions he's gambled away and took that money without my knowledge or consent so why should I fess anything up to him?

 

I do regret not leaving him before the A. I did struggle with putting the kids through a D, especially my youngest. There was a time that I felt the A was a little like revenge or payback for all he'd done to us, but the truth is I fell in love with someone who was good and right for me who has gotten me through all of this, surprisingly. Once I was able to see it all clearly I was able to make a decision. My dignity is not worth losing anymore.

 

Some of you also know that I am a returning student who is wrapping up community college and graduating with honors. I've been accepted to my university of choice and feel very proud of that. MM was ecstatic for me; H did not say a word.

 

A couple of days ago my H said he was ready to go for the uncontested D. That doesn't mean he won't contest, but it was something. I asked my daughter if she told him of my skin cancer and cyst issue and she said yes she had two days before. He wants to end it before he has to pay for any medical bills and look like a bad guy for not holding my hand through it all. Actually, I am glad. He was never much comfort anyway.

 

MM continues to give me the emotional support that I thrive on. I know if I never met him that I would get through it somehow, but I have to admit that it is easier with him by my side. I guess I should say on my side. He has been the voice of reason for me lately and my moral support. Truly, my greatest gift along with my children.

 

The hardest part in all of this is not knowing which way is up. Where will I be living after the D? Will I keep the house or be forced to sell it? Can I afford college with working part time as a single parent or will I have to put college off and get a full time job? Will I heal soon enough from my upcoming procedures and start my semester on time? Will H really pay his alimony/child support or should I just have it all calculated and put into the house so that I am sure to actually see that money? So many questions like spinning cups and saucers over my head.

 

So, I ask for clarity from you and please try not to flame me as I just don't need any more stress at this point. I hope to respond quickly to your posts but as you can see I am a very busy woman these days. Thanks for listening.

 

Hi WF, Gosh..I am so sorry that your are going through so much right now, your post brought tear's to my eyes.. I can relate to how your feeling with all the question's you have surrounding a D, I am in the same boat right now.. also have three kid's.. this can be very nerve racking and unsettleing .Try and look at it this way. You made a decesion that is the best one for you and your children, try to have faith in that. Hang in there. Hug's to you!

 

AP:)

[Chrome Barracuda]

Hey Chrome,

 

Thanks for the kind thoughts.

 

I do not have any aggression toward my H but I do have resentment. He has used me, neglected me, taken me for granted, etc. I don't want to go on because I am ready to let go and live on. If you knew everything he's done to me YOU would probably be glad that I cheated and thought he deserved it. And in case you didn't know, I tried to D him 2 years ago and he simply wouldn't leave 'his' house. He knew it was over yet still wanted control over me. I was broken. Just broken.

 

I am not really doing him dirty; we haven't slept together in a very long time.

 

I actually understood his reasons for his A. She made him feel like a hero. He'd been doing all the above to me and he wasn't exactly my hero at the time so she slid right in. I no longer blame either one of them. In fact, I wish now they could be there for each other. Never thought I'd say that.

 

As for your mom's smoking and possible lung cancer; lung cancer often spreads to other parts of the body and chances are it will be brain cancer or other kinds. Please google this, print it out and show it to her. My dad quit, but it was too late. He had lung cancer that went to his brain and he only had 6 months after the brain cancer was diagnosed. Best of luck to you and your mother.

 

See and this is where we differ. The bad things he did did not force you to have an affair. The affair was a conscious choice you made. And also if was one he made too. Two wrongs dont make a right. If he cheated , you could have just filed LSA papers saying the marriage vows are broken, which they were.

 

Dont do wrong and then proceed to blame him for it. The reason he didnt want to leave the home is for legal reason's. It aint controlling if he left he knew he would have to under the law forefit his rights to the house. He wasnt that stupid.

 

and you are doing him dirty much like he did you, again, two wrongs dont make it right. There is a right way of doing things, and the wrong way.

 

If you are getting D'vorced right then why cant you come to a point of forgiveness within your heart, is the animosity and resentment that heavy. I do not wish you congradulations on your affair. I wish for you to get better first and then go out and find someone.

 

My moms smoking developing lung cancer. I dont know, but that's on her. I cant force her to quit. She's an adult and makes her own decisions.

 

But I will look into the lung cancer study.

[LakesideDream]

My attitude is changing. I was "blindsided" by my ex's infidelity(s). For the vast majority of our 25 year marriage I had almosst no knowledge of her cheating. Should I have been suspicious? Maybe. The one time I was suspicious at least a bit, the co-worker packed up and moved two states away to take a lesser job. (his wife was smart, she discovered the affair, and protected her marriage and 3 kids). I was never sure.

 

I had two kids of my own to be responsible for. I was working hard on my marriage, not understanding that I was largely doing the work alone.

 

Had I not been so energetic, and had so little self esteem (figuring all the problems in our marriage were due to my inequities) I would have acted differently. I would not have continued to carry the burdon of a failing (failed?) marriage alone and would have taken steps to either repair the marriage or leave it.

 

When people have all the information they need to make a decision, staying in a bad marriage isn't always a good idea. I have become much more understanding with people who begin looking outside their marriage for relief. Feeling happy (even occasionally) smiling, joking, are all badly under rated. Being unhappy for years, or even decades is hogwash. I've been there and done that, wasted 20 years of my life and I don't like it after the fact.

 

WF knows what she needs to know to make her decision. I'm not going to judge the decisions she is making. Life is much much shorter than any of us realize when we are in our 20's or 30's. Those years wasted in a bad situation can never be recovered.

[GreenEyedLady]

There is a right way of doing things, and the wrong way.

 

If you are getting D'vorced right then why cant you come to a point of forgiveness within your heart, is the animosity and resentment that heavy.

 

She's an adult and makes her own decisions.

 

Surprise, surprise I'm going to say something controversial:

 

If the outcome is the same either way, does it really matter which way you did it?

 

To address your next point about how much animosity is found in a M, I am now divorced and I never cheated...But I can say I hated my XH when we were married for so many things: for taking away every right I had, for telling me every day I was nothing and no other man would ever want me, for leaving me alone pretty much all hours of the day, every day to be with his "best friend" and me to care for our two babies alone, for him smoking pot every day, several times a day...the list goes on and on...

 

Have I forgiven him? I guess I have for the most part...I just tell myself to forgive him because he's an idiot...And I'm pretty indifferent until he does stupid crap with our kids like take them to see Jackass 2 when they're in kindergarten and 2nd grade...

 

So you can try and judge WF, but let me tell you, when M goes bad, it goes very bad...and people handle it in different ways...So that's why I say until you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes, don't judge them...

 

Because like your last line says, she's an adult and makes her own decisions...