He is finally mine, why am I not happy

[Chrome Barracuda]

I am wondering if she isn't feeling trapped.

 

 

But trapped in what?

 

This is what she wanted right???

 

Dealing with affairs and finally getting the man your chasing, there's always gonna be downsides.

 

This could be one of them.

 

But hey this is what she wanted?

[whichwayisup]

I think she wants him, but would have liked it to have happened by HIM leaving his wife, not his wife kicking him out. That does change things, kind of like being picked last, so go with what you have.

 

She needs to take a step back, not because of HIM, but because of the relationship itself. IF it has a real chance of growing into something serious and long term, and they have love for eachother, why not just slow things down, enjoy the dating, keep it casual in the sense of allowing him space and time to get over his feelings, marriage and wife. This way atleast things are starting off on a better footing, rather than him moving in and starting a new life asap without really letting go of the life he recently just had and lost.

 

She should be cautious. I mean, what if in 2 months time his wife changes her mind and wants him back? What if he still loves his wife and misses her, wants to give their marriage another chance? ANYTHING can happen, so unless the D papers are signed, she shouldn't put all her eggs in one basket.

[child_of_isis]

Affairs are usually full of dates, laughs, love, fantasy, good times.

 

From the way it sounds, he is laid up in her house with a long face.

 

How fun can that be?

 

I think I would feel trapped, duped even.

 

 

But trapped in what?

 

This is what she wanted right???

 

Dealing with affairs and finally getting the man your chasing, there's always gonna be downsides.

 

This could be one of them.

 

But hey this is what she wanted?

[Chrome Barracuda]

No matter what, there is always a ying to a yang.

 

It is not always a paradise in a self imposed heaven.

 

I dont know but I feel that this MM is still pining hard for his STBX and he may go back to her.

 

There was a question I was confused about , someone said something about being the bad guy in the situation? How would he make her the bad guy for kicking him out?

 

From where I stand she did the right thing. She asked him to stop cheating, She had boundries for the relationship and he broke them, he got put out, dumped and dropped off.

 

Simple as that.

 

Are you telling me he was going to dump her and make her the bad guy or something like that?

 

What kind of human being does that?

 

If you want out, then go!

 

You want the OW/OM so badly then go! Why must it be about wanting to have the final say or draw first blood?

[OWoman]

CB I agree with you cognitively, but these things always look a lot simpler from the outside than from inside.

 

My MM had to deal with choices like disrupting the kids' schooling, or leaving them with their mother knowing she'd be likely to fall apart and take it out on them (as she's done before). He had to deal with knowing he'd be the cause of a lowered standard of living all round, and the impact of that on teens who're so very label-conscious. He even had to deal with guilt at "abandoning" a wife whose toxicity was going to militate against her finding another partner, leaving her in all likelihood alone and bitter, while he rode into the sunset with the love of his life... To be the one that pulls the plug and MAKES all of that happen requires balls. And also, a large measure of hard@$$edness to blind you to the immediate pain of what you're unleashing while you cling to visions of the better life to come.

 

Some guys can do it more easily than others. I'm watching the costs of doing it, and I know it's far from easy. I can't actually judge a guy for not wanting to pull that plug, now that I've seen just what it unleashes.

 

No matter what, there is always a ying to a yang.

 

It is not always a paradise in a self imposed heaven.

 

I dont know but I feel that this MM is still pining hard for his STBX and he may go back to her.

 

There was a question I was confused about , someone said something about being the bad guy in the situation? How would he make her the bad guy for kicking him out?

 

From where I stand she did the right thing. She asked him to stop cheating, She had boundries for the relationship and he broke them, he got put out, dumped and dropped off.

 

Simple as that.

 

Are you telling me he was going to dump her and make her the bad guy or something like that?

 

What kind of human being does that?

 

If you want out, then go!

 

You want the OW/OM so badly then go! Why must it be about wanting to have the final say or draw first blood?

[carrie123]

I thank you all for your help and input. He managed to get through today but I could see how much he missed his W. It kills me to watch this. Last time he left he was depressed and in the same state of mind. I am scared he is going to leave. I think the only thing keeping him here is the fact that she kicked his butt to the street. Its possible he may fear approaching her and asking to take him back. I don't know. Maybe I am panicing but it seems like the same dog to me. If he leaves that's it for me!! No more MM. I have had my share of pain. They want you to hang on and keep hanging on. For what? More heart ache!!

[whichwayisup]

Then YOU take control here and tell him goodbye until he sorts his life out. Why allow him to leave again and hurt you?

 

You know he is in pain and has nothing to give you to right now, he's sad, he misses his wife, his life with her and everything else. If you hang on to him, YOU will be the one hurting and left alone. Please, give it some thought - Try to end it for good. Don't continue the A with him IF he goes back home.

[JMC]

My God could the original post be any faker or more formulaic?! Come on!

 

Sounds like another BS with too much time on her hands.

[White Flower]

BINGO. For me, that's the heart of it. I wish I had realized that earlier in my relationship. I kept accepting the excuses, rationalizing that this was a difficult decision for him, I couldn't expect him to throw everythng away.

 

But if he's man enough to say those things out loud to everyone but your W, then he should be man enough to say it to her face and then accept the consequences, whether she decides to leave, or require marriage counseling/individual counseling.

 

I never got a complete picture of the situation, and who would as an outsider? But I will say that talking to his W gave me a more complete picture.

 

A weak man WILL suck the life out of you, as COI said. Perhaps he needs to nurse his wounds on his own. Maybe he will grow up. I don't think every man is like this, but you have to look at the track record...and him waffling back and forth until forced to make a decision shows a poor one.

Chia, I just want to say that you sound wiser than your years on this earth will attest to. And I'm happy that you're in a better place and back here posting again. You've overcome something that could have killed you and now you're stronger for it:)

[White Flower]

My God could the original post be any faker or more formulaic?! Come on!

 

Sounds like another BS with too much time on her hands.

I wondered, too, but one never knows. It makes for interesting conversation at any rate.

[kchiapet95]

Thanks WF! Hindsight is 20/20 though. When I was in the center of the relationship though...I think I was still somewhat aware of these things, but I was so "in love" that I couldn't see straight. I'm glad I can post too, because I'm hoping I really can help someone else.

[MrsHellnoFire]

I have been reading here for about 9 months and found this site to be very helpful. This is my first post only because I haven't read too much about my situation. I hope someone can help me. I have been OW for 18 months to MM of 16 years. He has gone back and forth between W and Me for the past year. He left her twice to be with me but has gone back to her within weeks. He says it is the guilt. He tells me he has been unhappy for a long time and I am the answer to his prayers. We are totally in love and feel like we are soul mates. I have been waiting patiently for him to leave W again so we can be together but he kept putting it off. W knows all about me and has been trying to reconcile the marriage up to now. He told her he broke it off with me and he was going to work on his marriage but he continue our relationship. W found out he was still seeing me and she kicked him out. He came to me and now we can finally start a life together. I was so happy that she gave up on him and their marriage. I feel guilty but I keep telling myself he wasn't happy with her anyway. Each day that passes by he seems depressed and I can see that he misses her which I had expected. It also bothers me that he didn't leave her, she dumped him. So is that the reason he is with me now? Would he have actually left her for me if she hadn't kicked him out? He tells me he is ready to move on with me but I can't seem to find any peace in that. If he would have left her I might feel different. I thought I would be so happy but this is really eating at me. I love him so much and don't want to lose him. Maybe I am digging to deep and should just be happy he is with me!! What is wrong with me????

 

 

Because you are the rebound chick.. you won by default.

 

A similiar situation happened to me in the past and I did not like it at all. It turned out though that he dumped her instead- she lied... and he really broke it off with her to be with me. It really DOES make a difference.

 

Otherwise, if it was up to HIM ALONE, it seems as though he would still be with his wife trying to reconcile. He is only with you because HE HAS TO BE- there is nowhere else to go and no one else to be with. He didn't make the choice.. she did! I wouldn't be able to live with something like that. It means next to nothing that he is with you now when he didn't even make the decision.

 

A lot of other women like feeling special of course.. he's choosing to be with you and have sex with you over his wife.. well this time it was not his choice at all. He reluctantly had to move in with you.. you don't feel so special anymore with someone else's trash that they willingly threw out, do you? When nobody is fighting over the piece of trash, it doesn't seem so valuable anymore.

 

The exciting chase is over. Now it's time for a boring life washing his dirty socks and moldy underwear while rushing to prepare dinner by the time he gets home all sweaty and smelly from work! HAVE FUN!

Edited December 26, 2007 by MrsHellnoFire

[GreenEyedLady]

Otherwise, if it was up to HIM ALONE, it seems as though he would still be with his wife trying to reconcile. He is only with you because HE HAS TO BE- there is nowhere else to go and no one else to be with. He didn't make the choice.. she did!

 

And you know this because, you're the man in question?

 

No, I didn't think so...

 

So before you go around deciding what other people's actions mean, why don't you think before you post...And try not to be so b*****...

 

GEL

[whichwayisup]

GEL, I see what you're saying, but the situation she's in (OP) says it all. She, herself even feels like he is with her only because his wife threw him out. Before MM's wife threw him out, they were working on the marriage...MrsHellnoFire said it harshly, but the fact is, the actions of her MM are saying something. He did not choose to leave, had no real intention of leaving. He got kicked out and boom! Ran straight into her arms, instead of saying, I need time alone, to grieve and deal with my own emotions before getting more involved with OP. Instead he did the opposite.

[justnotsure]

You know, I am not convinced that he doesn't love you. We all know that it's not a good idea to have an affair, but clearly he isn't happy in the marriage. It may BE a real love for you, but the only thing I know for sure is that the wife's best chance of ever getting him back permanently was to kick him out. Men respond to that. You are just suddenly in her shoes...now he HAS you, and he feels that he could have made a mistake. I don't know that she gave up on him....maybe she is saying "For real-- or not at all" you know? There is no relationship if he has another woman on the side. I think this may be the time for YOU to tell him that he needs to be alone for awhile to sort out his feelings, because you want him only if he is sure this is where he wants to be. If he's depressed, then tell him it just makes you feel bad, as if you took away a "happy" husband, which, of course, he said he was not. Put the blame back on him for the depression, and do not feel that you have to sit and deal with his uncertainty. I personally feel that if my husband ever was persuaded to leave, or wanted to leave, there would be nothing I could do but open the door and hand him his suitcase. (IF I confirmed that he really did not feel he loved me enough to stay) If HE does not know, or feel, in his heart, that you are IT for him...then hold out until he does. I predict he will take awhile to lick his wounds and then later will come back to you. Men DO leave their wives for another woman sometimes and it works. I don't mean to hurt any of the wives or husbands. I am just open in that people change and become unhappy and you have to fix it between you, if possible, because there are ALWAYS people out there wanting your husband or wife for their own. ALWAYS. There will always be some man lurking around wanting to sleep with your pretty wife....I'm sorry, but it's life. If someone is desperate to leave, or even keeps telling you he/she wants to leave....what can you do?

 

Hang in there and take a good, long vacation!!!

[White Flower]

A lot of other women like feeling special of course.. he's choosing to be with you and have sex with you over his wife.. well this time it was not his choice at all. He reluctantly had to move in with you.. you don't feel so special anymore with someone else's trash that they willingly threw out, do you? When nobody is fighting over the piece of trash, it doesn't seem so valuable anymore.

 

One woman's trash is another woman's treasure.

[OWoman]

One woman's trash is another woman's treasure.

 

That's for sure! MM's W has treated him like dung throughout their M - clearly she sees him as "trash" - but I treasure him, valuing the aspects she tries to beat out of him.

 

Different strokes for different folks, as they say.

[White Flower]

I imagine the wife at one time alos found the same aspects that the ow finds endearing, sweet. They tend to get less sweet as real life continues, as do some of the w flaws. My opinion is garbage is always garbage no matter how you try to dress it up.

Well, that all depends. It depends on whether the garbage itself wants to change. It can also depend on whether the new person in that garbage's life brings out the best in them. There are so many factors to consider.

 

I was a darn good wife to my H. But I believe someone like MM could bring out the best in me, making me the greatest wife there ever was.

[Tomcat33]

The great thing about life is that one person's garbage is another person's treasure. It's all relative really.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I still kinda dont get it. So he's pining after his wife. She' see's that okay well he still got feelings for her. But alas that is the downside of affairs.

 

She's not getting him at his best, But then again, when your married to a person you see their faults and you see their potential. You see the ups and down.

 

With this man she probably only saw the up now she's seeing the down.

 

But she needs to understand that maybe even if he left his wife, she would always be there in his heart looming larger than you.

 

Sadly sometimes that happens as well.

 

If anything you dont need to be with him, You can find a single man right? Then force him to go back to his wife and leave you alone.

 

I mean where's your self respect?

[Tomcat33]

But she needs to understand that maybe even if he left his wife, she would always be there in his heart looming larger than you.

 

Sadly sometimes that happens as well.

 

If anything you dont need to be with him, You can find a single man right? Then force him to go back to his wife and leave you alone.

 

I mean where's your self respect?

 

 

Agreed! If you can't make it work you need to gather strength and all your dignity and move on.

[bish]

Maybe I am digging to deep and should just be happy he is with me!! What is wrong with me????

 

Why are you not happy? Because you have a cheater that came to you not because he left his wife, but because she was smart enough to see him for the jerk that he is.

 

The wife had enough respect for herself to dump a cheater and you are taking her trash out for her.

 

I'm not saying that simply to be harsh...but maybe if you see it that way, you will have enough respect for yourself to not give in to a cheating ahole.

[OWoman]

I imagine the wife at one time alos found the same aspects that the ow finds endearing, sweet. They tend to get less sweet as real life continues, as do some of the w flaws. My opinion is garbage is always garbage no matter how you try to dress it up.

 

People change over time. W may meet MM at a time he's young and bossable, as mine did. With time and with IC he started standing up to her and she tried to beat that out of him. I love his strength, his W sees that as a threat. Depends what you want out of a partner, I suppose.

 

People are also different with different people, as WF implied. Some people are able to bring out different strengths or facets in someone.

[White Flower]

People change over time. W may meet MM at a time he's young and bossable, as mine did. With time and with IC he started standing up to her and she tried to beat that out of him. I love his strength, his W sees that as a threat. Depends what you want out of a partner, I suppose.

 

People are also different with different people, as WF implied. Some people are able to bring out different strengths or facets in someone.

It is so true that certain people either bring out the best or worst in us.

 

I suppose it also has to do with who we are and what we need and how we need to grow.

 

On a slightly different note, and I know people won't like this because it may just be too philosophical, but maybe some of us are supposed to divorce. Perhaps it is the divorce that makes us stronger and better people? And maybe it was designed by fate that way all along, who knows?

[PoshPrincess]

I have been reading here for about 9 months and found this site to be very helpful. This is my first post only because I haven't read too much about my situation. I hope someone can help me. I have been OW for 18 months to MM of 16 years. He has gone back and forth between W and Me for the past year. He left her twice to be with me but has gone back to her within weeks. He says it is the guilt. He tells me he has been unhappy for a long time and I am the answer to his prayers. We are totally in love and feel like we are soul mates. I have been waiting patiently for him to leave W again so we can be together but he kept putting it off. W knows all about me and has been trying to reconcile the marriage up to now. He told her he broke it off with me and he was going to work on his marriage but he continue our relationship. W found out he was still seeing me and she kicked him out. He came to me and now we can finally start a life together. I was so happy that she gave up on him and their marriage. I feel guilty but I keep telling myself he wasn't happy with her anyway. Each day that passes by he seems depressed and I can see that he misses her which I had expected. It also bothers me that he didn't leave her, she dumped him. So is that the reason he is with me now? Would he have actually left her for me if she hadn't kicked him out? He tells me he is ready to move on with me but I can't seem to find any peace in that. If he would have left her I might feel different. I thought I would be so happy but this is really eating at me. I love him so much and don't want to lose him. Maybe I am digging to deep and should just be happy he is with me!! What is wrong with me????

 

Carrie, you love this man, you say his is your soul mate? I can understand that it is frustrating for you with his W kicking him out and him not leaving of his own accord but sometimes these men (and women) are weak and just need that kick up the backside. When I was with my MM I always wanted him to leave and not be with me 'because he was forced into it', after the event though, I would have been glad to have had him either way.

 

The only thing that concerns me is that you think he's missing her. This may be cause for concern but, then again, after spending 16 years with someone you're bound to have moments when you miss them. I ended an 8 year R 2 years ago (my decision), I know 100% that I wouldn't want my ex back but there are times when I miss him because we have shared history. Your man is more than likely feeling guilty for what has happened but he's finding it hard to deal with the guilt.

 

If you really love him, hang on in there!