I'm totally STUCK!!

[marlena]

All over the forums I read of the MM going back to the OW, even falling in love with them, missing them, that seems to be the norm, but not for my ex. Oh no - he seems to buck the trend in every way!

 

Stun, you are right. This in itself should send you a resounding message. Honey, he's not worth the energy you are spending on him. You are taking this too personally. He was the swine ... not you. We've all run into these types, believe me. Just chock it up to experience and put it behind you. Please...make this your Number One New Year's resolution.

[imstunned]

I'm trying. I really am. I just dont seem to be able to get over what he has done. I dont understand why he even bothered. And I dont understand how he cant care after all that time. I simply do not get it. Any of it. I miss him.

 

I cant face therpay and I dont want to go on anti dpressants. But I cant get past this. Really I cant. Its so unfair that I am still so unhappy and sad about this and he is still married, as though nothing happened. I may as well be dead.

[OpenBook]

stunned, have you always had trouble letting go of things?? Maybe the issue is more than just this "swine" (good word, Marlena!!)... I ask because I've always had trouble with that too -- letting go and moving on. Age and experience (and some well-timed advice occasionally received... and role models more rarely witnessed) have helped me with it.

 

While you (in the general sense - anybody) are struggling with whatever it is you can't let go, it feels like a "broken record" and you just can't seem to get past the scratch on that vinyl LP. (Yes, I'm one of the ancients... you've probably never even SEEN a vinyl LP!!)

 

Maybe if you can think of an experience you've had in your past -- ANY experience, it doesn't have to be a romance gone bad -- where you've been able to successfully overcome something and put it firmly behind you... You can "retrain" the synapses in your brain to follow that healthier path. Just daydream about it, ponder it -- you don't have to try to FORCE anything.

 

All this may be totally inapplicable to you... but just in case it helps, I thought I'd throw it into the mix.

[silktricks]

Maybe if you can think of an experience you've had in your past -- ANY experience, it doesn't have to be a romance gone bad -- where you've been able to successfully overcome something and put it firmly behind you... You can "retrain" the synapses in your brain to follow that healthier path. Just daydream about it, ponder it -- you don't have to try to FORCE anything.

 

All this may be totally inapplicable to you... but just in case it helps, I thought I'd throw it into the mix.

 

IS, this is a really great idea and one you should try.

 

Please do NOT follow Ariadne's suggestion of contacting him. Not only may you be even more hurt, but you could (depending upon where you live) possibly put yourself into the situation of being prosecuted as a stalker.

 

The man may very well have cared for you (at some level) while seeing you, but he didn't care enough to be honest with you. Without honesty, what did you really have? It was all just a smoke screen. Now, I know that you know that, but as you say, you are stuck.

 

At this point (IMO) your stuckness isn't really about him anymore, it's about you. You are stuck because you are allowing yourself to keep dwelling upon what you wanted instead of reality. I don't have any real words of wisdom of how to get past this, but I do know that if you continue to either idolize what you thought he was or hate him for what he really was the only person you are hurting is you (and your child).

 

You must take control of yourself and as OpenBook said, retrain your brain to take a new pathway.

 

best wishes

[norajane]

I cant face therpay and I dont want to go on anti dpressants. But I cant get past this. Really I cant. Its so unfair that I am still so unhappy and sad about this and he is still married, as though nothing happened. I may as well be dead.

 

Going on anti-depressants for a short time to help you get over the worst of this is better than drowning deeper and deeper in sadness.

 

Keep a close watch on your state of mind - you have a child who needs you and if you are spiraling into feeling worse rather than better as time goes on, you need to get some help. You don't have to stay on the drugs forever. Just enough to help clear your head and gain some strength.

 

I know what your concerns are about therapy, but again, you have to consider that one of the reasons you are so stuck may be that it is triggering feelings and issues that you haven't yet quite resolved. It may be time to face them. Just give it some thought.

[marlena]

Stun,

 

I agree with NJ. I too was dead set against them when I was going under a similar ordeal as yourself.

 

One morning, I woke up and knew I had to seek professional help. It was either that or go stark, raving mad. I, too, had a daughter who needed to be looked after properly. The doctor prescribed anti - depressants. I took them for two months and that was enough togive me a push in the right direction.

 

Sometimes we can't help ourselves as much as we'd like to.

 

Msrlena

[imstunned]

thank you all for your support. As I went for a walk earlier on I passed a theatre emptying of all the families that had been there to enjoy the show. I had to bite my lip very hard not to cry on the street.

 

Then I had what I thought was a bit of a revelation. Whats bothering me about the whole situation is that the guy I was seeing is married and is a father. then I relaised that of course that was what was bothering me - surley that was a no brainer. Well - it is and it isnt.

 

Heres the thing. . . My last long term relationship was with a woman. This was the first guy I had been with in almost a decade. For much of my relationship with my long term ex I had suppressed my straight sexuality as well as the desire to be a more common type of family. (I am stright but was Bi-curious and happened to fall in love with a woman). Ex mm got the full flow of my sexual re-awakening and rediscovery of men. I'm not bloominn suprised he kept comming back! I wanted to go out with him and kiss him in public. To demonstrate my feelings for him without stares or shame. It makes me so sad to think that I never could have done that with him - even if we had continued we would have done so in secret robbing me again of the accpetance I need.

 

I thought he was a bit emotionally rubbish - never been in love, never wanted to marry - never wanted children. I thought he was essentially pretty much unavailable due to his climbing but wanted to see him anyway as we had such a great time together. I tried to pretend to myself that it didnt matter really if it didnt go anywhere - and to just have fun while secretly thinking of my new name with his (fake) surename and wondering how I would look walking down the isle to marry him. Crazy I know - but I'm just like any other girl.

 

I know that this is more about me than it is him, or my reactions to him if you like - but I wonder does that shed any more light on why its hit me like a ton of bricks??

 

I found upon disvovering that he was married and a father that he was essentially everything I have ever wanted. Except he isnt. Not to me, only to his wife.

 

Does that make sense? ( I bet if I came on now as a new poster giving the WHOLE story you'd all think I was a troll lol)

[OpenBook]

Crazy I know - but I'm just like any other girl.

 

Um... no you're not. Frankly I'm a little pissed that you didn't reveal this before. You deceived us. You've done the very thing your exMM has done to you - hidden the real you. And all my previous advice to you, was meant for the person you portrayed yourself to be. It obviously doesn't apply now. I have no advice for you. Good day.

[marlena]

More than ever, I urge you to make an appointment with a psychotherapist!

[imstunned]

Jee, I wasnt expecting that at all. I simply wasnt comfortable revealing it here. I didnt even see how relevant it was untill recently. I was scared still of being flamed. I know that there are many religious people here and I couldnt face them hating me for a relationship that had passed.

 

I was simply scared. Looks like I had good reason to be.

[imstunned]

The person I have presented my self to be from the day I have posted on here is the person I am. I dont need psychotherapy. I dont deserve a bashing.

 

I am not a liar. I am not a cheat. I am not deceitful. I cant believe this.

[OpenBook]

Jee, I wasnt expecting that at all. I simply wasnt comfortable revealing it here. I didnt even see how relevant it was untill recently. I was scared still of being flamed. I know that there are many religious people here and I couldnt face them hating me for a relationship that had passed.

 

I was simply scared. Looks like I had good reason to be.

 

Look I don't give a rat's @ss who you slept with before - whether it's a man, woman, sheep or monkey. It's not my call. What I'm pissed about is your DECEPTION. I feel like a fool, wasting my time giving you all that advice because what you described - I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE, I've been through it. Only I haven't. AT ALL - my experience has been nothing like yours. Had I known this was the issue I would have refrained from posting entirely.

[imstunned]

But thats not true. Its simpy not ture. Dont you get it? I was terrifired of being flamed. I have just tried to remove my post as now I;m more scared than ever.

 

That relationship ended A LONG time ago. My focus was and still is on that MARRIED man I was seeing. Not on that other relationship I was in. I wish I'd never mentioned it.

 

I AM NOT LIKE MY EX!!!

[imstunned]

i have asked the moderators to remove my post. My time here is obviously up.

[marlena]

Stun,

 

I am advising you to seek professional help because it seems you consider deceiving people a normal thing to do in the exact same way your ex does. This revelation explains why you can still love and understand a man like him. You think it is normal behavior because it is familiar to you. This is worrisome, to say the least.

 

Ovbiously, you have issues with your sexuality and you need help to get this sort of thing straightened out. Like OB said, I don't think anyone cares what your sexual preferences are. We, who spent lots of time and mental energy giving you advice and hearing you out, are all stunned that you didn't reveal this piece of info earlier. It would have factored into our replies.

 

Marlena

[imstunned]

I am not at all confused about my sexuality.

 

I didnt bring it up for the reasons I have said. I was scared and didnt see how relevant it was. I am very grateful for all the help that I have recieved, I am only sorry that my support is about to creech to a halt because I mentioned an ex with who my relationship ended a long time ago.

 

I dont think it is okay to lie. I dont think its okay to be decietful. And I dont understand my ex. I spent much of my time on here in the early days in floods of tears. The last thing I needed was people feeling that they cant understand me or that I'm different. Its clear that thats what people do think.

 

I'm sorry if people feel they have wasted their time with me. Nothing I have said I have felt or have been going through is any less real or painful beacuse of that relationship. I'm the very same person. It was a long time ago.

[marlena]

You might just be surprised to find out how much your previous LTR has to do with your current situation. That's why I urged you to get some help.

 

Personally, I don't thnk anyone would have flamed you for having a relationship with another woman. It might just have shed more light in so far as understanding who Stun really is.

 

And you have nothing to fear. We have all been very good to you.

[imstunned]

I know you all have been awsome to me. Which is why I am so upset that I have made you all so angry with me. I didnt know when I started to post that the majority of you are open minded - I have faced a great deal of prejudice, and I was so in need of support that I couldnt have coped if I faced that again amd at the time I didnt quite realise how relevant it was myself. It wasnt an intentional act of deceit. As I said it ended some time ago now - its not far off a year since I met ex MM!

 

I really am not like my ex. Its so upsetting to have people whose opinions I value and respect thinking I am like somebody whi they think is scum.

[Tony]

I know you all have been awsome to me. Which is why I am so upset that I have made you all so angry with me. I didnt know when I started to post that the majority of you are open minded - I have faced a great deal of prejudice, and I was so in need of support that I couldnt have coped if I faced that again amd at the time I didnt quite realise how relevant it was myself. It wasnt an intentional act of deceit. As I said it ended some time ago now - its not far off a year since I met ex MM!

 

I really am not like my ex. Its so upsetting to have people whose opinions I value and respect thinking I am like somebody whi they think is scum.

 

You are incapable of making people angry. That's a decision they make solely on their own. If you were seeing a licensed counselor you would not have gotten this reaction but you are talking to untrained, human laymen many of whom are highly opinionated and some highly judgmental.

 

I'm going to close this thread. It now serves no useful purpose except to bash you for leaving out facts that I personally don't know were important to your problem or not. That's immaterial. If people feel they were deceived and they don't want to get back on topic after expressing their disappointment then you must seek help elsewhere. You won't get it in this thread.

 

I'm sorry this happened but there are many people very ready and willing to bash anybody for any reason. Whether that reason is legitimate or not is unimportant. Many people simply lack understanding and compassion. I have read your explanation and take it at face value but it seems I am not representative of the people who have posted since your revelation.

 

Good luck to you and I'm sorry things came to this.

Edited December 30, 2007 by Tony