The devil was in my living room!!!

[Owl]

Its not a "woman" thing...

 

Its a 'married' thing.

 

A SPOUSE should always have the good of their spouse, and the good of their marriage foremost in their mind.

 

You're right, there should be some "self" in there too.

 

But in this case...its a deliberate deception of the spouse. That's NOT "good for him"..."good for the marriage". Its not even "good for her" in the long term, but at this point she doesn't want to see that.

 

BTW...I put others ahead of myself all the time. I'd also like to add that few view me as a "whimp". If we all spent our lives focused only on ourselves and what made us feel good...what an awful world we'd live in.

 

If she'd like to make a start towards living in a healthy marriage...the start would be by building that new marriage on some truth.

[White Flower]

Why is this wrong? Surely unless we can care for ourselves, we can't really care for others anyway?

 

I don't buy that women should always put others ahead of themselves. My mother did that, and it made her a doormat, and a bitter one at that. I prefer to have friendships, relationships or any kind of dealings with people who are happy and whole within themselves, not cringing excuse-me-for-living types. When women do it, it's "selfish", but when men do it, it's considered normal. A man who puts others ahead of himself is considered a wimp, and no woman would look twice at him. Why do we expect something different from women?

I totally agree. Where were you twenty years ago, lol? I was your mom in my M. Now and I finally becoming me.

[Owl]

Its not a "woman" thing...

 

Its a 'married' thing.

[MrsHellnoFire]

Why is this wrong? Surely unless we can care for ourselves, we can't really care for others anyway?

 

'

 

Then she really doesn't love herself, does she? She doesn't give a damn about her husband or anyone else. She's a selfish bat and I have no respect for someone like that. When you are married, you put your partner before yourself.. otherwise you are no different than a single woman or bachelor! I'm sure she doesn't have any respect for herself either. The whole situation is SICK!

[MrsHellnoFire]

 

I don't buy that women should always put others ahead of themselves. My mother did that, and it made her a doormat, and a bitter one at that. I prefer to have friendships, relationships or any kind of dealings with people who are happy and whole within themselves, not cringing excuse-me-for-living types. When women do it, it's "selfish", but when men do it, it's considered normal. A man who puts others ahead of himself is considered a wimp, and no woman would look twice at him. Why do we expect something different from women?

 

 

Gee, if you put it that way, that's a good rationale to cheat and do whatever else that pleases us at our "lover's" expense! If you love someone, you don't humiliate them, cheat on them constantly, take them forgranted, make them feel inferior etc.. if that's the way you believe people should be, then they should never be "attached".

You are giving extremes on both sides of the spectrum. There is a good moderate ground that needs to be achieved.

 

IMO, it's NOT about loving yourself less in order to take someone else's feelings into account. It's about caring for someone else enough that you sacrafice your own comfortability and whatever else to make the RIGHT choices.

There is also a huge disparity between a woman staying in a relationship while her husband treats her like crap and a woman treating her husband like crap continually. In reality, your mother's husband is just like the OP! So you would rather your father or step-father continually keep your mother in the dark and treat her like ****?

Your posting is gender biased.

Edited December 26, 2007 by MrsHellnoFire

[OWoman]

If you love someone, you don't humiliate them, cheat on them constantly, take them forgranted, make them feel inferior etc.. if that's the way you believe people should be, then they should never be "attached".

 

Wow MrsHell, do you know my MM's W? You've just described her perfectly - except she didn't "cheat on him constantly" afaik, only at the start of their R.

 

I agree that both partners in a M should treat each other with respect. Respect begets respect, and disrespect begets disrespect. I don't agree that M or any other kind of R involves putting the other person first. I think that one should certainly consider all factors and then choose what's best OVERALL. If you ALWAYS foreground the other then yes, it will be at your own expense, and it will involve loving yourself less.

 

I don't necessarily agree with the OP about not telling her husband about the PA. But I do disagree that reducing it to "selfishness" and "not putting her husband ahead of herself, as is her wifely duty" is sexist. And - guess what? I'd offer the same view were OP a man and the BS a W.

 

I really don't understand what's "gender-biased" about expecting equal treatment for men and women.

[MrsHellnoFire]

Wow MrsHell, do you know my MM's W? You've just described her perfectly - except she didn't "cheat on him constantly" afaik, only at the start of their R.

 

I agree that both partners in a M should treat each other with respect. Respect begets respect, and disrespect begets disrespect. I don't agree that M or any other kind of R involves putting the other person first. I think that one should certainly consider all factors and then choose what's best OVERALL. If you ALWAYS foreground the other then yes, it will be at your own expense, and it will involve loving yourself less.

 

I don't necessarily agree with the OP about not telling her husband about the PA. But I do disagree that reducing it to "selfishness" and "not putting her husband ahead of herself, as is her wifely duty" is sexist. And - guess what? I'd offer the same view were OP a man and the BS a W.

 

I really don't understand what's "gender-biased" about expecting equal treatment for men and women.

 

Actually I feel the same way vice-versa.

Oh, now you added "wifely duties" in there? Still the sexist remarks on your end, huh?

Advice should not be coming from a bitter and biased place! You do wish your mom was treated better, right? But you also want every woman out there to treat their husbands just as nasty as your mom was treated by her partner! It's wrong to have a double standards like this.. it's hypocritical and illogical.

 

 

Now in regards to another comment you have made.. No a male who puts his WIFE ahead of himself is a true man in every sense of the word and is mature enough for marriage... no I am not asking a man to put all "others" ahead of himself.. that would not be viable in this world that we live in. I ONLY expect a man to at least put his WIFE and children before himself.

Now if that does not occur in both sides of the relationship relationship, we are left with problems arising and constant conflict.

 

"A man who puts others ahead of himself is considered a wimp, and no woman would look twice at him."

 

CORRECTION= YOU WouldN'T! Don't speak for all women.. just speak for yourself.

It sounds like you have never been in a relationship with a decent man and are probably modeling past father figures for future mates.

 

Ever been married or are you just the other woman?

[White Flower]

Actually I feel the same way vice-versa.

Oh, now you added "wifely duties" in there? Still the sexist remarks on your end, huh?

Advice should not be coming from a bitter and biased place! You do wish your mom was treated better, right? But you also want every woman out there to treat their husbands just as nasty as your mom was treated by her partner! It's wrong to have a double standards like this.. it's hypocritical and illogical.

 

 

Now in regards to another comment you have made.. No a male who puts his WIFE ahead of himself is a true man in every sense of the word and is mature enough for marriage... no I am not asking a man to put all "others" ahead of himself.. that would not be viable in this world that we live in. I ONLY expect a man to at least put his WIFE and children before himself.

Now if that does not occur in both sides of the relationship relationship, we are left with problems arising and constant conflict.

 

"A man who puts others ahead of himself is considered a wimp, and no woman would look twice at him."

 

CORRECTION= YOU WouldN'T! Don't speak for all women.. just speak for yourself.

It sounds like you have never been in a relationship with a decent man and are probably modeling past father figures for future mates.

 

Ever been married or are you just the other woman?

I'm going to chime in here and forgive me if I haven't understood the entire debate. I'll just address that which I bolded.

 

First off, we can only advise on that which we know. Hopefull the reader will take the aspect he/she needs from the thread.

 

Secondly, I did put my husband first all along. I happened to lose myself in that process and now regret not trying harder to make it equal a long time ago. I was silly enough to think that he would someday come around and appreciate my putting him first. And now I feel like a fool.

 

A partnership of equals is the most successful. Ask any marriage counselor. BTW, my MM did the same thing in his M. He always put his W first and is now fighting for equality. Since she has been working on that he finds he cannot leave her now.

 

Thirdly, I believe OWoman was speaking for herself, IMHO.

[bish]

So my h took off work and saw the xmm at the park. Granted neither of them have spoke to each other for about a month dur to my NC. So my H walk up to him and they start talking and my H tells xmm to start being civil with me and stop being so immature because we are neighbors and the kids have to play.

 

Let's alll get along for the sake of the kids. So I come home hear this and almost fall over. Also his kids are at my house which they haven't been in about 3 months because my H invited them. I am in the back of my house and I hear xmm's voice and he is is my living room with h.

 

My h tells xmm to say hi and then proceeds me to say hi. I can't believe what was going on. Well my H told me xmm was so relieved to be talking to us and to be back in. He sat in my house like no big deal.

 

I am still in shock. He was talking to me like no time had passed and nothing transpired between us. Did I say I am still in shock. Where do i go from here and please I don't want to hear tell my h. I was finally getting to a bearable place and then there is the devil in my living room. Wtf is he thinking and wtf is my H thinking?

 

Your husband sounds like a great, strong, confident, and reasonable man.

 

You don't deserve him.

[addicted2love]

Here's a suggestion...I've only read through half of the responses but this came to mind and it just might work.

 

Tell exMM if he doesn't leave you and your family the hell alone you will not only tell your H the truth but you will tell his W too! This is only a threat on your end, he doesn't have to know that you won't do it....however if he doesn't heed your warning make a "coffee" date with his W at a time where you know he'll be around to see the two of you talking.

 

This doesn't mean you're going to actually tell her anything but how would he feel if YOU were in HIS house being buddy buddy with HIS spouse? I think he'd be sweating bullets wondering if you're going to spill the beans.

Again you will only have to take it this far if he doesn't honor your wishes after you threaten him.

 

The very thought of you and his W becoming "friends" might be enough to put an end to his bull sh*t.

 

What do you think of this idea?

 

A2L

[whichwayisup]

So my H walk up to him and they start talking and my H tells xmm to start being civil with me and stop being so immature because we are neighbors and the kids have to play.

 

The problem is, FF's H decided on his own to approach the exMM and that's why exMM is friendly again. Ofcourse exMM is taking advantage of this too...

[OWoman]

Actually I feel the same way vice-versa.

 

you feel that treating both genders equally is sexist? Okaaaaaaaay...

 

Oh, now you added "wifely duties" in there? Still the sexist remarks on your end, huh?

 

It was stated by some posters, and implied by others, that OP putting her husband ahead of herself was incumbent on her as a wife. If that's sexist, it didn't come from me. I was reporting it and questioning it on the basis of my considering it sexist.

 

Advice should not be coming from a bitter and biased place!

 

There'd be hardly anyone left here to post then! Were you including yourself in that, MrsHell?

 

You do wish your mom was treated better, right? But you also want every woman out there to treat their husbands just as nasty as your mom was treated by her partner! It's wrong to have a double standards like this.. it's hypocritical and illogical.

 

I'd be grateful if you could show me where I ever posted wishing my mother had been treated better. I have never felt my father treated my mother badly. In fact, as I've stated several times, I thought his OW was the best thing that ever happened to us as children, as it made him a far nicer person to be around.

 

Please explain the double standard?

 

Ever been married or are you just the other woman?

 

Yes I have been married. Your point is?