The devil was in my living room!!!

[bestadvisor]

BA, that's not very nice to say.

 

Is what I said nice? No. Is what she did nice? No. Is her continuing lying nice? No. Is what I said true? Yes.

 

How many things are out there that's more humiliating to a man than what she's doing to her husband? Her husband is a nice guy who got burned. In the mean time, his wife continues to lie to him, maybe for eternity and continue to humiliate him in front of his lover. If she really loves him, she would have done the right thing by coming clean, but apparently, she's just too selfish to do that.

[Cobra_X30]

Is what I said nice? No. Is what she did nice? No. Is her continuing lying nice? No. Is what I said true? Yes.

 

How many things are out there that's more humiliating to a man than what she's doing to her husband? Her husband is a nice guy who got burned. In the mean time, his wife continues to lie to him, maybe for eternity and continue to humiliate him in front of his lover. If she really loves him, she would have done the right thing by coming clean, but apparently, she's just too selfish to do that.

 

Fact is we dont know her husband. He could be a very bad person! Emotionally and verbally abusive.

 

I definitely see some signs that he is controlling. She hardly talks about the guy at all! It seems to me that she is afraid of him on some level.

 

So, perhaps you shouldnt say such mean things especially when you don't have the full story!

[bestadvisor]

Fact is we dont know her husband. He could be a very bad person! Emotionally and verbally abusive.

 

Based on his actions SHE described and based on what she has said about him, your statements above don't seem to be true.

 

EVEN if that's true, he's emotionally and verbally abuse, he still does not deserve to be cheated (she could have filed for divorce and be a XXXXX or whatever she wanted) and being humiliated and coninued lied to like that.

[forbidden fruit]

Is what I said nice? No. Is what she did nice? No. Is her continuing lying nice? No. Is what I said true? Yes.

 

How many things are out there that's more humiliating to a man than what she's doing to her husband? Her husband is a nice guy who got burned. In the mean time, his wife continues to lie to him, maybe for eternity and continue to humiliate him in front of his lover. If she really loves him, she would have done the right thing by coming clean, but apparently, she's just too selfish to do that.

 

I am not being selfish. Selfish would of been running away with xmm and not caring what anyone else thought. Selfish would pf been continuing A . Yes what I did was wrong and I am liar, but at the ed of the day i am the only one who has to look at myself in the mirror and while i am not happy with what i have done.

 

It is done and now i a trying to make a right out of wrong. telling my H now will only create more drama, trauma, and pain for my family and xmm's.

 

I am not saying I want to be friends with xmm so I don't understand how being civil is going to lead to him telling my H of our affair. what we have to gain from it.

 

Second he would never tell because his W would leave him and he would lose his kids and his inheritance. He has nothing to gain by telling.

I don't know why he wants to be close with my H and I, but i will only let it be civil. he may have other plans, but if he slips up once he and I wil have a chat.

 

I don't think he will slip because he has as much to lose as me. He always wanted to be friends after the A so while he thinks that is happening that is so far from what is happening. I am going to be civil for my h sake and my kids nothing more and nothing less.

 

You guys keep saying the truth will come out, but how is it going to come out if the only two people that know about it are he and I. I am not going to tell and neither is he.

[Meaplus3]

Based on his actions SHE described and based on what she has said about him, your statements above don't seem to be true.

 

EVEN if that's true, he's emotionally and verbally abuse, he still does not deserve to be cheated (she could have filed for divorce and be a XXXXX or whatever she wanted) and being humiliated and coninued lied to like that.

 

BA, I agree with you that her H does not desreve to be cheated on NO one does, however as Cobra said we don't know her H. She really does not mention him much at all in her thread's personality wise.

 

AP:)

[GreenEyedLady]

I think you're in alot of denial here...

 

And my intent is not to hurt you, but you would have run off with MM if he had wanted to...

 

Who knows what his W would do if she found out? My guess is not leave and R...

 

And I wouldn't think that no one knows but you two...Neighbors are smart and nosy...

 

I think you need to really address the rejection issue before you can move forward...And your H is really being humiliated and you're letting it happen...If he does find out, imagine how he'd feel...

 

I hope for the best for you FF, but you need to face things as they are, not how they could have been...

[Cobra_X30]

Based on his actions SHE described and based on what she has said about him, your statements above don't seem to be true.

 

EVEN if that's true, he's emotionally and verbally abuse, he still does not deserve to be cheated (she could have filed for divorce and be a XXXXX or whatever she wanted) and being humiliated and coninued lied to like that.

 

I'm saying you dont know enough to straight up be mean!

 

You know I've fought you on this before! While I can understand if you feel it would help to be a little tough... I don't see the point of bieng downright insulting.

 

As I said BA, You dont know her Husband! So you cannot speak to what he deserves or doesnt deserve. Though I can agree with you that the cheating is not good!

[forbidden fruit]

I think you're in alot of denial here...

 

And my intent is not to hurt you, but you would have run off with MM if he had wanted to...

 

Who knows what his W would do if she found out? My guess is not leave and R...

 

And I wouldn't think that no one knows but you two...Neighbors are smart and nosy...

 

I think you need to really address the rejection issue before you can move forward...And your H is really being humiliated and you're letting it happen...If he does find out, imagine how he'd feel...

 

I hope for the best for you FF, but you need to face things as they are, not how they could have been...

 

I don't understand about the denial thing. What exactly do I have to address. the fact my xmm is a n, weak and not the man I thought he was. So should I be upset he rejected me-no. He did not reject me he just wanted to have the A on his terms so how is that denial. Please lep me understand.

[forbidden fruit]

I'm saying you dont know enough to straight up be mean!

 

You know I've fought you on this before! While I can understand if you feel it would help to be a little tough... I don't see the point of bieng downright insulting.

 

As I said BA, You dont know her Husband! So you cannot speak to what he deserves or doesnt deserve. Though I can agree with you that the cheating is not good!

 

Thanks cobra let's just say my H was not the nicest person before the

A and I had alot of resentment while this does not give me license to cheat or take the easy way out, that is what happened. I was vulnerable the xmm knew it and while I allowed him in , I was not in a good place in my marriage or with myself.

[Cobra_X30]

Thanks cobra let's just say my H was not the nicest person before the

A and I had alot of resentment while this does not give me license to cheat or take the easy way out, that is what happened. I was vulnerable the xmm knew it and while I allowed him in , I was not in a good place in my marriage or with myself.

 

I know.

 

You have alot of people in your ear on this! You need to understand that most are trying to help you!

 

If you don't listen to anyone else... at least listen to AP. You have to value those who have been there and come out the other side! Who else can understand and provide insight!

 

Does this make sense to you?

[GreenEyedLady]

I don't understand about the denial thing. What exactly do I have to address. the fact my xmm is a n, weak and not the man I thought he was. So should I be upset he rejected me-no. He did not reject me he just wanted to have the A on his terms so how is that denial. Please lep me understand.

 

I'm not going to post to you anymore FF...Once again, it's like going around in circles with you...What you really need is to go to an individual counselor because maybe they can help you...I don't think there's anything else I can do to help you understand...

 

Good luck!

 

GEL

[bestadvisor]

I am not being selfish. Selfish would of been running away with xmm and not caring what anyone else thought.

 

Sure. But, did he offer to run away with you? No. So, in other words, you didn't have that option.

 

You guys keep saying the truth will come out, but how is it going to come out if the only two people that know about it are he and I. I am not going to tell and neither is he.

 

It usually does. People talk, people observe, people confess....even about killing and raping. Men like to brag. I would't be surpised a few of his friends or co-workers already knew. People get drunk and they talk. People confide in others. People feel guilty sometime and tell. It's just a matter of time. Good luck then!

[Cobra_X30]

I'm not going to post to you anymore FF...Once again, it's like going around in circles with you...What you really need is to go to an individual counselor because maybe they can help you...I don't think there's anything else I can do to help you understand...

 

Good luck!

 

GEL

 

We should know at this point that her intent is directed not so much towards advice seeking as it is understanding and emotional support! Things I believe she sorely lacks in real life. Compounded strongly by the emotional wedge the affair has caused.

 

I'm thinking that our advice will be meaningless until it is shown that we understand and empathize with FF's situation/life.

 

Agree?

[White Flower]

We should know at this point that her intent is directed not so much towards advice seeking as it is understanding and emotional support! Things I believe she sorely lacks in real life. Compounded strongly by the emotional wedge the affair has caused.

 

I'm thinking that our advice will be meaningless until it is shown that we understand and empathize with FF's situation/life.

 

Agree?

I for one agree. I'm just a little surprised (and happy) that this offer to empathize comes from you:)

 

I do feel that FF is getting lots of good and well rounded advice. I think it is difficult for her to act on all of it because it all varies so much. She also seems to need time to dwell on her decisions like I do before she acts on them.

 

Sorry to talk about you FF as if you weren't in the room. I can't even begin to understand what it would be like living next door to an ex of any kind. Best of luck to you.

[Meaplus3]

We should know at this point that her intent is directed not so much towards advice seeking as it is understanding and emotional support! Things I believe she sorely lacks in real life. Compounded strongly by the emotional wedge the affair has caused.

 

I'm thinking that our advice will be meaningless until it is shown that we understand and empathize with FF's situation/life.

 

Agree?

 

 

This is exactly right Cobra!

[MrsHellnoFire]

How can your hubby even talk to him?

If you both slept together, I would feel ashamed and unspecial that my husband wouldn't at least TRY to kick his ass.

[MrsHellnoFire]

OMG. It is sick what you are doing to your husband! YOU ARE LYING BY OMISSION! You are letting your husband demean himself and relinquish any pride and dignity he has left by kissing this MM's ass because he doesn't know about the PHYSICAL AFFAIR!!! STOP!!! NOW!!!!! Your husband will never forgive you if you let this go on! HAVE SOME DAMN RESPECT FOR YOUR HUSBAND FOR CHRIST SAKE!

[forbidden fruit]

We should know at this point that her intent is directed not so much towards advice seeking as it is understanding and emotional support! Things I believe she sorely lacks in real life. Compounded strongly by the emotional wedge the affair has caused.

 

I'm thinking that our advice will be meaningless until it is shown that we understand and empathize with FF's situation/life.

 

Agree?

 

Thanks Cobra, I agree. Well it seems xmm is most likely having another A. He spent the night out and made some story uo with his W like he did when I was with him. She thinks he is out with friend and he is actually with ow.

 

I saw him come back this morning and I could be wrong, but my instinct tells me no. Before he left though he tried to get my attention and say something to me. I was very civil. I can't believe he just can continue on to keep having affairs. He will never leave and maybe his w knows about the new one and does not care. Something is not right. In the meantime my H and I will be going to mc.

 

I am still so angry for being played by this xmm and continue to being played. Why did I think he cared about me. Why did I think he loved me? Why can't I seem to get over the anger. How do I get past this to concentrate on the man that really deserves it.

 

Why when I see him am I so nice? Don't worry for all you bashers these are questions I ask myself everyday. Everyday I see him and everyday I ask myself what I did. It is getting me really depressed. Especially when I see him happy as a clam and possibly in another affair.

[whichwayisup]

FF, you have no proof that he has another OW. Even if he did, it's not your business, and the more you pay attention to his coming's and going's the harder it will be for you to let go and stop thinking about him.

 

I think the post I did to you got wiped out, apparently on Saturday there was a bug and many posts were affected, therefore gone forever. ONE thing I focussed on was, suggesting you do your best not to analyze what he is doing and thinking about. Trying to figure him out will only occupy energy, and that energy is better put to use on your kids and your husband. The exMM really shouldn't be in your mind this much, I mean, you didn't see him with another woman, but you've thought about it and reacted to it.

 

Hope you see what I'm trying to say, though I know it's hard for you to get out of the habit of thinking and wondering what is going through his head, you gotta re-train yourself to stop doing that.

[forbidden fruit]

FF, you have no proof that he has another OW. Even if he did, it's not your business, and the more you pay attention to his coming's and going's the harder it will be for you to let go and stop thinking about him.

 

I think the post I did to you got wiped out, apparently on Saturday there was a bug and many posts were affected, therefore gone forever. ONE thing I focussed on was, suggesting you do your best not to analyze what he is doing and thinking about. Trying to figure him out will only occupy energy, and that energy is better put to use on your kids and your husband. The exMM really shouldn't be in your mind this much, I mean, you didn't see him with another woman, but you've thought about it and reacted to it.

 

Hope you see what I'm trying to say, though I know it's hard for you to get out of the habit of thinking and wondering what is going through his head, you gotta re-train yourself to stop doing that.

 

Welll today xmm and I are spouses were all acting very neighbourly because of the holiday's. Xmm was so happy to being talking to us and not fighting. I really think he just wants to be friends and or polite neighbors. I am working my way towards this.

 

It is so weird to be exactly where I was with two yearrs ago before the A. He doesn't seem to care. He just wants to be friends with H and I. It is all very superficial. Yes to me there is a elephant in the room. Some may disagree, but I am trying to move forward. Do you think I have his motives wrong?

[White Flower]

Is it possible for you to ask him what his motives are without causing an argument or scene? You clearly need to know what the new rules are, or at least set the rules and get him on board. You can't go on forever being uncomfortable in your own front yard. Happy Holidays.

[Meaplus3]

Thanks Cobra, I agree. Well it seems xmm is most likely having another A. He spent the night out and made some story uo with his W like he did when I was with him. She thinks he is out with friend and he is actually with ow.

 

I saw him come back this morning and I could be wrong, but my instinct tells me no. Before he left though he tried to get my attention and say something to me. I was very civil. I can't believe he just can continue on to keep having affairs. He will never leave and maybe his w knows about the new one and does not care. Something is not right. In the meantime my H and I will be going to mc.

 

I am still so angry for being played by this xmm and continue to being played. Why did I think he cared about me. Why did I think he loved me? Why can't I seem to get over the anger. How do I get past this to concentrate on the man that really deserves it.

 

Why when I see him am I so nice? Don't worry for all you bashers these are questions I ask myself everyday. Everyday I see him and everyday I ask myself what I did. It is getting me really depressed. Especially when I see him happy as a clam and possibly in another affair.

 

FF, Listen I went through the same thing as you, thinking that mm was having another A, because I had noticed that his shedule had changed and he was spending lot's of time away from home, this was shortly after our ea was over. I can understand how you could think this, and the truth here is it's because you still care. Even if it's know where near how much you used to care, fact is to some degree you still do.

 

How do you get past the anger? The only way your going to be past it is when you fell indifferent, and it's the truth, many told me this and I did not believe it until it happend to me. Now that I feel indifferent I can face the guy and when he's around, I can look right past him, he's not important to me any longer. I believe you will get there FF it just may take you more time. I think right now you are handling thing's very well, you have come so far. I'm glad to hear you are gong to give MC a go! Good luck. Hug's!!

 

AP:)

[Owl]

I've got a question...

 

You asked how your H would find out about the PA portion of it, if you'll never tell and OM will never tell.

 

OM may never tell. Or he may get angry at your or your H someday, and lash out with it trying to hurt one or both of you. Something to consider.

 

But my question is...do you feel at all guilty about not telling your H the full truth? Or does it not bother you at all?

 

I ask, because if you DO feel guilty about it, and about hiding it from your H...it will only get worse with time. It rebuilds your marriage with him on a foundation that's not based on complete honesty. And given that you're living right next door to the guy you slept with...

 

The longer you wait to tell him the truth...the more its going to wear on you. And, the worse he'll take it. He WILL feel like he's been played for a fool...and he'll feel that you did so deliberately.

 

The sooner you "get the truth out there"...the less damaging the repercussions are likely to be.

 

You never answered my other question...you said you're 'afraid of what he might do'.

 

What...EXACTLY...are you afraid of?

[whichwayisup]

It is what it is. And that means you need to do your best to stop analyzing what he is doing and why.

 

Caring less and less will actually help because then no matter what he does or doesn't do won't phase you one bit.

[OWoman]

She cares more about herself than her husband.

 

Why is this wrong? Surely unless we can care for ourselves, we can't really care for others anyway?

 

I don't buy that women should always put others ahead of themselves. My mother did that, and it made her a doormat, and a bitter one at that. I prefer to have friendships, relationships or any kind of dealings with people who are happy and whole within themselves, not cringing excuse-me-for-living types. When women do it, it's "selfish", but when men do it, it's considered normal. A man who puts others ahead of himself is considered a wimp, and no woman would look twice at him. Why do we expect something different from women?