Harry vs Sally

[Mustang Sally]

I guess the question is how do people generally feel about negotiating the risks involved with developing this kind of relationship within the framework of a healthy marriage.

 

I hope you get some illuminating feedback on this, as I would be interested in hearing it also.

 

My only comment, at this point, is with reference to what I have bolded, above. In your case, are you absolutely certain that all of the marriages involved are healthy?

[Cobra_X30]

 

1. I go to my hot coworker and ask her opinion on a dating situation. She gives me her opinion, and we chat. Friend.

2. The dumpy coworker comes and talks to me about a work issue and then we chat about our upcoming respective holiday plans. Acquaintance.

3. I call my dumpy married friend and we get our kids together for a play date, and we chat about my ex. Friend.

4. I happen to run into someone from high school in the grocery store. We chat about whatever. Acquaintance.

 

I think your definition and mine are fairly similar. However permit me to distill this into something a touch more simplistic.

 

Friends are people you actively choose to spend time with, while Acquantances are poeple who you are spending time with due to a situation.

[CraigAllen]

I hope you get some illuminating feedback on this, as I would be interested in hearing it also.

 

My only comment, at this point, is with reference to what I have bolded, above. In your case, are you absolutely certain that all of the marriages involved are healthy?

 

Well, you never really know for sure, do you? I guess that would be one of the risks, wouldn't it?

[Mustang Sally]

Well, you never really know for sure, do you? I guess that would be one of the risks, wouldn't it?

 

Hmmm.

It could be flint and steel in an arid powder keg....

 

But oh, what a ride, no?

[Stockalone]

Men and women bring different things to the table, in cross-gender friendships. Sometimes, you can bring the same thing as a male friend to the friendship, but with a more sensitive approach. This is kind of funny but one of my male friends values that I have smaller hands, so when we work on our cars, I can help him in the areas where it's impossible for him to fit his big hands in and he helps me with things that require strength. He's better at understanding wiring but doesn't have the small muscle skills to handle smaller wires and connections. I don't have the knowledge but I can take instruction pretty well, so I help him. It's no different in many ways as a male/male friendship

 

Smaller hands can indeed be helpful. When we still lived at home, I often had my sisters help me gift-wrapping the presents.

 

I guess I have difficulties with the more sensitive approach and being not so different than a male/male friendship. It's not that people haven't tried to explain it to me. We had the very same discussion at work a couple of weeks ago but I just don't get it. It seems to me this is one of the things you either don't have to think twice about or you will never understand.

[Florida]

Just curious. I gather you are a single man and not currently in a serious relationship. If you were, do you think you could maintain these friendships with the female friends that you would make a move on within the week? I guess I wonder if you would feel that was appropriate as long as your SO is aware of it? What if they suddenly became unattached. This is a larger issue I think.

 

This is somewhat my situation. I am married, but have several female friendships. I am physically attracted to most of them. Even though there is a physical attraction, I know that for whatever reason they are either inappropriate for me (if I were single) or absolutely unavailable and therefore "safe" or at least appear so. I enjoy these relationships as I do many of my male friends. The only real difference is the fact that I am physically attracted to them. I really don't see a problem with this as long as a person attends to their marriage appropriately. I kind of liken it to watching a movie with an actress that I think is extremely attractive only in a three dimensional sort of way. From a visual standpoint, I enjoy being with them, though I don't have designs on having a sexual or romantic relationship with them.

 

This has backfired on me once. One of these friends expressed their feelings and attraction to me and this has ended our friendship. It does make me sad to lose the friendship because I truly enjoyed her company, but I guess that is the nature of the beast as it were. Thoughts?

 

I guess the question is how do people generally feel about negotiating the risks involved with developing this kind of relationship within the framework of a healthy marriage.

 

Such an eloquent post, I hope I can do it justice, my strengths don't really lie in clear communication.

 

I'm in a relationship, FYI. I'm honest with myself, and the male friends I had when single tended to have some chemistry between us, but something off enough to not warrant moving from friends to relationship.

 

So I assume that is the case with most people, male or female.

 

In the beginning of my relationship, my BF and I met eachother's friends, let's just say it was akin to being at a sniping range-each one was shot off because he or I detected attraction from them, or some ill motives not conducive to a relationship.

 

And-we all know most affairs or relationships start from friendships.

 

A parent of mine has the view that you don't want to be with someone who is only with you because they don't have choice. In other words-snipe shooting the choices isn't the answer.

 

I beg to differ, I believe keeping those choices around you, in a position where they can escalate is making a conscious choice to put yourself smack bam in the face of temptation. Nerve wracking for your partner, at any length.

 

Of course, I'm not a good gamer, so I lost touch with my male friends because I did not want to spread myself too thin. Perhaps it was a bad move, as many people keep these friends as ....good gamemanship. Meaning-in reference to the spouse or signifigant other-you keep yourself in line, I'll do the same.

 

Perhaps it keeps your wife's attention on you. Most married women I know surround themselves with male friends, hurrah for them, I think husbands and BF's need to be kept on toes too as men are more inclined to fall off the wagon without all the competition in their face.

[Florida]

Ok.

So I have this middle-aged friend (separated, getting a divorce, 3 teenage sons) at work who has been "friends" with this guy for over a year. She goes out to eat with this guy once a week and they "talk." She is convinced he thinks of her as nothing but a sister...but I say he has to have some sort of "feeling" for her to have invested this amount of time with her....

 

What do you think?

 

Can men and women really JUST be friends?

 

Cause, I don't really think so.....

 

No, unless one is completely not attracted to the other. But then most likely the other is attracted to them. I don't believe people in relationships should actively cultivate "friendships" with the opposite sex unless they are lookin' for trouble.

 

Yes, yes, I know everyone has this one exception-that's all it is-the exception to the rule.

[Florida]

add on:

Even with the most extreme example out of the picture-would you rather have a healthy relationship focusing your attention on same sex friends and your spouse-or all these "friends" too?

 

Pick your poison.

 

I can't imagine any wife or SO who is truly okay with you being friends with someone you would have dated had you been single. That is just weird, and she would really have to turn a blind eye to not intuit that, even if you never admitted it.

 

Unless people like swingin relationships, it just puts undue stress on it.

[CraigAllen]

Hmmm.

It could be flint and steel in an arid powder keg....

 

But oh, what a ride, no?

 

Honey, I think you might be missing the context here. I'm not talking about roller coaster excitement. I'm thinking more along the lines of the pleasantness of a ferris wheel. You know the ride is very smooth, not scary and the view is nice at the top.

[CraigAllen]

Such an eloquent post, I hope I can do it justice, my strengths don't really lie in clear communication.

 

I'm in a relationship, FYI. I'm honest with myself, and the male friends I had when single tended to have some chemistry between us, but something off enough to not warrant moving from friends to relationship.

 

So I assume that is the case with most people, male or female.

 

In the beginning of my relationship, my BF and I met eachother's friends, let's just say it was akin to being at a sniping range-each one was shot off because he or I detected attraction from them, or some ill motives not conducive to a relationship.

 

And-we all know most affairs or relationships start from friendships.

 

A parent of mine has the view that you don't want to be with someone who is only with you because they don't have choice. In other words-snipe shooting the choices isn't the answer.

 

I beg to differ, I believe keeping those choices around you, in a position where they can escalate is making a conscious choice to put yourself smack bam in the face of temptation. Nerve wracking for your partner, at any length.

 

Of course, I'm not a good gamer, so I lost touch with my male friends because I did not want to spread myself too thin. Perhaps it was a bad move, as many people keep these friends as ....good gamemanship. Meaning-in reference to the spouse or signifigant other-you keep yourself in line, I'll do the same.

 

Perhaps it keeps your wife's attention on you. Most married women I know surround themselves with male friends, hurrah for them, I think husbands and BF's need to be kept on toes too as men are more inclined to fall off the wagon without all the competition in their face.

 

I thought you did a fine job and I do understand your point of view.

[Mustang Sally]

Perhaps it keeps your wife's attention on you. Most married women I know surround themselves with male friends, hurrah for them, I think husbands and BF's need to be kept on toes too as men are more inclined to fall off the wagon without all the competition in their face.

Yikes.

 

With all due respect, Florida (and I appreciate your input - truly).

I gotta say.

This is an angle I really hadn't considered before.

 

I think the idea of this makes me feel a little bit nauseated, to tell the truth.

 

To do this in a marriage in order to keep your spouse "in line"?

[Florida]

I thought you did a fine job and I do understand your point of view.

 

Cool, I hope I don't come off as preachy. I know how I responded is very black and white, as you were asking about how others negotiate those lines. There was infidelity in my parents marriage(s) due to these exact conundrums.

 

But good for you that you are thinking about it and aware of the subtle angles.

[Florida]

Yikes.

 

With all due respect, Florida (and I appreciate your input - truly).

I gotta say.

This is an angle I really hadn't considered before.

 

I think the idea of this makes me feel a little bit nauseated, to tell the truth.

 

To do this in a marriage in order to keep your spouse "in line"?

 

Mustang-I certainly don't think anyone does it with that intention!

But it does have the end result of keeping a spouse or SO more focused on their partner, albeit unconsciously even.

[Mustang Sally]

Mustang-I certainly don't think anyone does it with that intention!

But it does have the end result of keeping a spouse or SO more focused on their partner, albeit unconsciously even.

Ok. Gotcha.

Makes sense.

[Mustang Sally]

Honey, I think you might be missing the context here. I'm not talking about roller coaster excitement. I'm thinking more along the lines of the pleasantness of a ferris wheel. You know the ride is very smooth, not scary and the view is nice at the top.

Maybe one person's Ferris Wheel is another person's roller coaster...?

 

I'm just sayin.

[CraigAllen]

Maybe one person's Ferris Wheel is another person's roller coaster...?

 

I'm just sayin.

 

I think you could tell from my previous posts that I am aware of this. If you find out this is the case, you need to quit riding... obviously.

[mistieyed]

add on:

Even with the most extreme example out of the picture-would you rather have a healthy relationship focusing your attention on same sex friends and your spouse-or all these "friends" too?

 

Pick your poison.

 

I can't imagine any wife or SO who is truly okay with you being friends with someone you would have dated had you been single. That is just weird, and she would really have to turn a blind eye to not intuit that, even if you never admitted it.

 

Unless people like swingin relationships, it just puts undue stress on it.

 

i once dated a guy that after 6 months or so we realized that we were better as friends, than in a romantic relationship. when i bought my house, he moved in to save money and of course, it saved me $$$$ too. when he met his now wife and eventually told her that we had dated prior and that we were just friends now, she immediately made him move out of the house because she did not want the possibility of temptation to come into the picture - funny thing, it would not and had not happened since we broke up. in fact, it made it much more comfortable that we did date while hanging out around the house. at the time, i did not understand her concerns because I KNEW nothing was happening, but i can now see that i would probably have wondered the same.