Author Gwyneth Posted December 17, 2007 Author Share Posted December 17, 2007 Wow Bish,... I am biting my tongue. Link to post Share on other sites
jj2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 Yes of course cheating is the cheater's fault. But just because you're having a bad marriage doesn't mean I'm going to have sex with you. I agree 100% Link to post Share on other sites
jj2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 I have to disagree with her though about the BS not reading the signs... in some cases, I am sure there are absolutely no signs... no way the W can find out... Let's say the A is taking place during the day (work hours) and he can be reached at all times on his cell phone... I very much doubt that all W can read the signs... Very true. Not all W's know what is going on. A lot suspect but get gaslighted until they feel like they are going crazy! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwyneth Posted December 18, 2007 Author Share Posted December 18, 2007 At first I didn't see a thing, I had no reason to, I trusted him completely. When I did suspect I went to him and asked, he lied. I went to her and asked, she lied. I was told I was depressed and putting mess out that wasn't there. I prayed to find out the truth and I did. I accept that we had a bad marriage and that my depression was a huge contributing factor, but I will never except that I am the reason he dropped his morals and stuck his d*ck in another man's wife. That's all on him and he will have to deal with it. I will deal with what I am responsible for. That's really good you take responsiblity for what you feel could have helped him to pursue an affair. Them telling you that you are crazy is a really good sign that they were lying and having an affair--you seemed smart enough to pick up on that. Instead of being with you and helping you through your stage of depression, he was out having an affair with another man's wife. Classic. Would he have done this even if you weren't suffering from depression? I think so, so I wouldn't say it was your depression that caused him to run and have an affair with this woman. It's sick to think--and I know the possibility is there--that a spouse would have an affair because their spouse is suffering from an illness. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwyneth Posted December 18, 2007 Author Share Posted December 18, 2007 I don't take responsibility for him pursuing an affair, you misunderstood. I take responsibility for what my depression and not recognizing it and getting help sooner, but the only thing that helped him pursue an affair is his lack of moral fiber and his d*ck thinking for him. I was in the same bad marriage with a narcissistic no less , who's favorite pass time was making himself feel like a man at my expense. Yet I loved him and felt that we still had a chance to come out on top, until he slipped his winky into someone else's wife, then I don't need ya, see ya. I see. At least you are taking responsiblity for something and not crying a river that your husband put his winky into another woman. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted December 18, 2007 Share Posted December 18, 2007 I don't take responsibility for him pursuing an affair, you misunderstood. I take responsibility for what my depression and not recognizing it and getting help sooner, but the only thing that helped him pursue an affair is his lack of moral fiber and his d*ck thinking for him. I was in the same bad marriage with a narcissistic no less , who's favorite pass time was making himself feel like a man at my expense. Yet I loved him and felt that we still had a chance to come out on top, until he slipped his winky into someone else's wife, then I don't need ya, see ya. I didn't take that from your post either. I saw you stating that he made the decision to step out regardless of whatever rationalizations he told you. To me, once they start lying to you after being confronted for the truth, they give up any chance at having you believe that it was your fault. I mean, was it your fault that he lied to you? I don't think so. Gwenyth's response to you is why I think she started this thread to get other BSs to *admit* that they are the reason that their spouses cheated. Not even close. What is so interesting is that when the MM decides to stay married, that's the W's fault as well. Which is it? She can't be the reason for his stepping out and for the OW not ending up with him too. Its funny to read this rationale. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwyneth Posted December 18, 2007 Author Share Posted December 18, 2007 Gwenyth's response to you is why I think she started this thread to get other BSs to *admit* that they are the reason that their spouses cheated. Not even close. Um, nope. Sorry, wrong. Like I wrote in my very first post, I am not looking for a 20 pager here. I told one BSs story and I just wanted to share this. Let's remember, this is the room for OW / OM...let's be straight here--I'm not here to entertain BS's...I'm here to entertain OW and OM. If I wanted to get other Bss to "admit" they are the reason their spouses cheated, then I would have posted this in a room for BS's. Am I the Only one here so sick and tired of people assuming wrong things? I misunderstood bentnotbroken--am I not allowed to misunderstand people? Goodness gracious!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted December 18, 2007 Share Posted December 18, 2007 Um, nope. Sorry, wrong. Like I wrote in my very first post, I am not looking for a 20 pager here. I told one BSs story and I just wanted to share this. Let's remember, this is the room for OW / OM...let's be straight here--I'm not here to entertain BS's...I'm here to entertain OW and OM. If I wanted to get other Bss to "admit" they are the reason their spouses cheated, then I would have posted this in a room for BS's. Am I the Only one here so sick and tired of people assuming wrong things? I misunderstood bentnotbroken--am I not allowed to misunderstand people? Goodness gracious!!!!! Sure, you are allowed to misunderstand a post. But, I am also allowed to post what I think are your underlying reasons for the post. The response to Bent seemed like a "freudian slip". But that's JM-honest-O. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwyneth Posted December 18, 2007 Author Share Posted December 18, 2007 Sure' date=' you are allowed to misunderstand a post. But, I am also allowed to post what I think are your underlying reasons for the post. The response to Bent seemed like a "freudian slip". But that's JM-honest-O.[/quote'] I am literally sick and misread what she said. Ooops, I am Only human. While I am admitting I misunderstood, you are admitting you are posting what you actually think. There's a difference!!!! Anyway, whatever...I just wanted to share my friend's story as the BS and the OW herself. Take it how you want it...I am not trying to justify my actions. I have no shame. Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted December 18, 2007 Share Posted December 18, 2007 First, I should mention that her being Australian would have nothing to do with this. I think you would find the culture over here is very similar to that in the states. If this is the way she feels, that is fine. But it in no way excuses the OW or OM. It is still wrong. I don't want to go on about it, you can get a lecture from others, I didn't read all of the thread, you probably already have . Just my opinion that most women would not say the OW had no responsibility or role to play in the breakdown of a marriage. The husband or wife doing the cheating is mainly, directly responsible. But to say the OW or OM had no role in it whatsoever is plain ridiculous. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted December 18, 2007 Share Posted December 18, 2007 I am literally sick and misread what she said. Ooops, I am Only human. While I am admitting I misunderstood, you are admitting you are posting what you actually think. There's a difference!!!! Anyway, whatever...I just wanted to share my friend's story as the BS and the OW herself. Take it how you want it...I am not trying to justify my actions. I have no shame. My last on this. While you may have misunderstood, you still posted what you thought at the time. Is my posting what I actually think any worse? Misunderstanding or not. Freudian slips and all. LOL. Lighten up, Gwenyth. Just because I question your motives doesn't mean that I am "attacking" you. Geeeesh. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwyneth Posted December 18, 2007 Author Share Posted December 18, 2007 First, I should mention that her being Australian would have nothing to do with this. I think you would find the culture over here is very similar to that in the states. If this is the way she feels, that is fine. But it in no way excuses the OW or OM. It is still wrong. I don't want to go on about it, you can get a lecture from others, I didn't read all of the thread, you probably already have . Just my opinion that most women would not say the OW had no responsibility or role to play in the breakdown of a marriage. The husband or wife doing the cheating is mainly, directly responsible. But to say the OW or OM had no role in it whatsoever is plain ridiculous. I do not think she is saying it excuses the OW / OM in this case. There would be no OW / OM if the problems didn't begin at home. She is talking to me about the start of an affair--not the affair itself. The reasons why her husband had the affairs. NoIDidn'tQuote: Originally Posted by Gwyneth I am literally sick and misread what she said. Ooops, I am Only human. While I am admitting I misunderstood, you are admitting you are posting what you actually think. There's a difference!!!! Anyway, whatever...I just wanted to share my friend's story as the BS and the OW herself. Take it how you want it...I am not trying to justify my actions. I have no shame. My last on this. While you may have misunderstood, you still posted what you thought at the time. Is my posting what I actually think any worse? Misunderstanding or not. Freudian slips and all. LOL. Lighten up, Gwenyth. Just because I question your motives doesn't mean that I am "attacking" you. Geeeesh. I didn't say you were attacking me. Apparently I do not speak English on this board because I am Always wrong and always meaning what I did not intend. If I knew it was going to be this way on this board, I would have these discussions with my hard headed best friend and hard headed sister. Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted December 18, 2007 Share Posted December 18, 2007 I do not think she is saying it excuses the OW / OM in this case. There would be no OW / OM if the problems didn't begin at home. She is talking to me about the start of an affair--not the affair itself. The reasons why her husband had the affairs. Not really. I really do doubt that every single person who cheats is unhappy at home. Some are just incapable of only sleeping with one person. Some of them are *******s. Everyone is different. The only thing which is the same is that the person going outside of their marriage tells their OW/OM that their homelife is terrible. Perhaps to make it sounds reasonable they would cheat. Whatever, I don't know the mind of every single person in the world lol. Just my take on it. I didn't say you were attacking me. Apparently I do not speak English on this board because I am Always wrong and always meaning what I did not intend. If I knew it was going to be this way on this board, I would have these discussions with my hard headed best friend and hard headed sister. I haven't really spoken to you before, I don't tend to frequent this part of the board. But I do know what everyone on here is like. We all like a debate, and the majority of us are convinced we are right. If you don't take anything too personally and defend your position then a fruitful conversation can come about. This part of the forum is very tense, for obvious reasons, and most of the threads turn into a cat fight. If you ignore the ones who pick and pick at you because they are spoiling for a fight, it won't be so much like banging your head against the wall Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted December 18, 2007 Share Posted December 18, 2007 I haven't really spoken to you before, I don't tend to frequent this part of the board. But I do know what everyone on here is like. We all like a debate, and the majority of us are convinced we are right. If you don't take anything too personally and defend your position then a fruitful conversation can come about. This part of the forum is very tense, for obvious reasons, and most of the threads turn into a cat fight. If you ignore the ones who pick and pick at you because they are spoiling for a fight, it won't be so much like banging your head against the wall Funny. Please tell me that the silly face shows that you know I am not picking on her. I don't think that I am right, per se. But I do love to debate. Unfortunately, like you said, people in this forum can be unbelievably thin-skinned and prone to take anything said that does not paint them or their intentions in the best light to be some kind of personal persecution. Me not a persecutor. LOL. BTW, its really odd to see you on this forum, DC. Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted December 18, 2007 Share Posted December 18, 2007 Funny. Please tell me that the silly face shows that you know I am not picking on her. I don't think that I am right, per se. But I do love to debate. Unfortunately, like you said, people in this forum can be unbelievably thin-skinned and prone to take anything said that does not paint them or their intentions in the best light to be some kind of personal persecution. Me not a persecutor. LOL. BTW, its really odd to see you on this forum, DC. Oh I wasn't referring to you, just I have noticed what most people on here are like in general. I understand why, it is just a shame that it can't be a bit nicer around here. It is weird being on here lol I haven't really had much experience in this sort of area, so I leave the advice to others who have been there, done that sort of thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwyneth Posted December 18, 2007 Author Share Posted December 18, 2007 From the ones I know who have cheated, it is more or less because they are unhappy at home. It wouldn't be because their job stinks, or their car broke down, or they are bankrupt, would it? Well, each case is different. My MM is unhappy at home and with life in general. I had my eye on him for months before he approached me and he always looked so unhappy. Like Owl, I can pretty much read people and what their body language is telling them. I totally assumed he was in a bad marriage, and turns out I am right--from what he says. I cannot imagine a happily married man who is totally in love with his wife having a long-term affair with one other woman. Unless he has some kind of multi-personality or something, then maybe. Look, we can sit here and debate all we want, but each case is different. My friend's situation might very well be different than bentnotbrokens, or whomever elses. I think we all know well enough that each marriage and affair is a case to case sitaution. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwyneth Posted December 18, 2007 Author Share Posted December 18, 2007 it is just a shame that it can't be a bit nicer around here. It probably would be if the BSs didn't frequent this room, or some of the former Other's who were hurt. Most of the OW here want to talk about their affairs and somehow brag about it. Why would a BS or a former OP want to see that? It will just conjur up bad memories. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwyneth Posted December 18, 2007 Author Share Posted December 18, 2007 You can read the tabloids and read at least one write up about an affair. It's all over--we just have to adjust to the fact that it happens, and learn to deal with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted December 18, 2007 Share Posted December 18, 2007 From the ones I know who have cheated, it is more or less because they are unhappy at home. It wouldn't be because their job stinks, or their car broke down, or they are bankrupt, would it? Well, each case is different. My MM is unhappy at home and with life in general. I had my eye on him for months before he approached me and he always looked so unhappy. Like Owl, I can pretty much read people and what their body language is telling them. I totally assumed he was in a bad marriage, and turns out I am right--from what he says. I cannot imagine a happily married man who is totally in love with his wife having a long-term affair with one other woman. Unless he has some kind of multi-personality or something, then maybe. Look, we can sit here and debate all we want, but each case is different. My friend's situation might very well be different than bentnotbrokens, or whomever elses. I think we all know well enough that each marriage and affair is a case to case sitaution. I agree with that... most men have A because they are lacking something at home... that's why it is quite unusual to see a guy having an affair in the first few years of his M. But I have to say that I met a few who did.. but they said they weren't really 'in love' with their W... They all have different reason to cheat..but sex is still probably the No.1 Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted December 18, 2007 Share Posted December 18, 2007 It probably would be if the BSs didn't frequent this room, or some of the former Other's who were hurt. Most of the OW here want to talk about their affairs and somehow brag about it. Why would a BS or a former OP want to see that? It will just conjur up bad memories. I can see why they post on here. Because it is the only relevant part of LS they can. And so everyone clashes, every thread is a disaster waiting to happen. Well there really should be a BS part of LS but I wouldn't hold my breath Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted December 18, 2007 Share Posted December 18, 2007 It probably would be if the BSs didn't frequent this room, or some of the former Other's who were hurt. Most of the OW here want to talk about their affairs and somehow brag about it. Why would a BS or a former OP want to see that? It will just conjur up bad memories. Doubt that very seriously. Its interesting that you actually believe this forum is here to "brag about" affairs. And then you respond in full victim mode when called on it. Pot, meet kettle...maybe? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwyneth Posted December 18, 2007 Author Share Posted December 18, 2007 I agree with that... most men have A because they are lacking something at home... that's why it is quite unusual to see a guy having an affair in the first few years of his M. But I have to say that I met a few who did.. but they said they weren't really 'in love' with their W... They all have different reason to cheat..but sex is still probably the No.1 My MM has been married just two years last month, and with her for only 2 1/2 years. Bingo! NoIDidn'tQuote: Originally Posted by Gwyneth It probably would be if the BSs didn't frequent this room, or some of the former Other's who were hurt. Most of the OW here want to talk about their affairs and somehow brag about it. Why would a BS or a former OP want to see that? It will just conjur up bad memories. Doubt that very seriously. Its interesting that you actually believe this forum is here to "brag about" affairs. And then you respond in full victim mode when called on it. Pot, meet kettle...maybe? I respond full victim because I am called on it in an attack usually--that goes for most OW around here. If the BS cannot deal with the fact that the OP is in love with their married lover, then they shouldn't come here. Yes, there should be a place for BSs to go on this forum to talk about their feelings without upsetting BSs or cheating spouses. I think that would be a really good thing for the BSs. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 18, 2007 Share Posted December 18, 2007 ... most men have A because they are lacking something at home... Could be - Or it could be that they themselves, are lacking something inside of them and no one person can fulfill their need(s). Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted December 18, 2007 Share Posted December 18, 2007 Could be - Or it could be that they themselves, are lacking something inside of them and no one person can fulfill their need(s). maybe.. it's hard to say.. each case is sooo different. Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted December 18, 2007 Share Posted December 18, 2007 Excellent point. I believe this is where it all begins. Focusing on the person and not the problem.. Does blame solve any problem? No, it shifts the focus from the problem to a person...And the problem still goes unaddressed... Link to post Share on other sites
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