O don't get it?!?

[GreenEyedLady]

Never listen to what she says.... instead listen to what she does.

 

 

This is exactly what every person in a R should judge by...

[Owl]

I've asked you this question a couple of times, SD. Still looking for an answer.

 

If you're willing to fight so hard and give your love for her based on your 3 1/2 year affair with her...why in the heck are you so surprised that her HUSBAND is fighting just as hard to rebuild his LONG TERM MARRIAGE with her?!?!?!

 

 

Why do you keep expecting her H to give up, move on? Why are you surprised that he's fighting to save his marriage? Why do you think he's 'ignoring the facts, and acting like nothing's wrong'?

 

Realize that you don't have any real insight to what's going on in their house and in their marriage right now. You don't know what he's going through, nor do you really know what's being said or done on both sides between them.

 

He's got every reason that you have for wanting to fight to save his marriage. She's told him the exact same things she's told you ("you're the one I love", etc...)...only she's been telling him these things for years before you came into the scene. And she's at home right now...its his TIME to fight for his marriage (although of course he should have fought about it before the affair ever started too).

 

Why do you expect him to throw in the towel...given a much longer relationship with her than what you've had?

 

There's a reason why everyone keeps telling you to stop focusing on her, stop focusing on him, stop focusing on THEM...and start focusing on YOU.

 

Not attacking you, my friend. I do think you need to stop and take inventory...slow down, take a minute to see the whole picture from outside of yourself, and THEN work out a game plan.

[Meaplus3]

Stamp,

 

You know whats going on. It's not that hard to figure out, because the options are limited.

 

Never listen to what she says.... instead listen to what she does.

 

My thought's exactly Cobra!

 

AP:)

[Tomcat33]

I've asked you this question a couple of times, SD. Still looking for an answer.

 

 

Why do you keep expecting her H to give up, move on? Why are you surprised that he's fighting to save his marriage?

 

 

Well I am not SD but I hazzard to guess that it is so unbelievable that he would jump to action now to want to fight for her now that his ego is bruised and the challenge is on when he was been completely neglecting her for 3yrs so much so that the woman had a full on relationship with another man right under his nose for 3bloody years. Where was his will to fight all these past years? Where was this greats love he now suddenly feels?

 

 

I think he is fighting for her like most men do when they are faced with the territorial truth of a nother man marking their turf, their ego won't let them let go, but is it love? Again, where was that love when he was out to lunch for as long as he was?

[reboot]

Well I am not SD but I hazzard to guess that it is so unbelievable that he would jump to action now to want to fight for her now that his ego is bruised and the challenge is on when he was been completely neglecting her for 3yrs so much so that the woman had a full on relationship with another man right under his nose for 3bloody years. Where was his will to fight all these past years? Where was this greats love he now suddenly feels?

 

 

I think he is fighting for her like most men do when they are faced with the territorial truth of a nother man marking their turf, their ego won't let them let go, but is it love? Again, where was that love when he was out to lunch for as long as he was?

We get complacent. Often things have gotten much worse than we realize, and it takes a hard slap in the face (as in an A) to wake us up. Maybe sometimes it is territorial, but not always. It wasn't with me. I told her she could have him and good riddance. She convinced me that wasn't what she wanted, and then I was willing to fight. I agree sd's BH is acting oddly if everything sd is telling us is the truth. I've been saying that all along, and that's why I wonder if sd really knows the whole truth.

[Tomcat33]

Ths problem that I am having is ALL of the things "said" to indicate that this is only a "period of time" that she has to go through to somehow satisfy both H and counselor... She even told H that.. BUT, you are ALL right, ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER!!

 

 

 

that's what my ex said and now it's a done deal.

 

 

Listen I am totally with the person that said earlier on one of the last pages "if it is true love the kind of love that is real and as deep for her as it is for you, she is not going to get over you in 6months, there is NO WAY."

 

Stay busy and let it go for now and it she is meant to come back to you she will. That's the bottom line SD but for the time being you need to accept you reality and the reality is that you are done. I know it's still too soon and you are need deep in the grief but you do need keep and open mind that it she may still feel for you in 6 months but decide to stay.

 

 

I disagree with the idea that love doesn't feed mouths and pay bills and that's why she stays with her H, what are you 15? NO. You are a grown man who knows what you got yourself into and you can do what her H does no problem so if she stays with her H it is not because you can't do his job, but really only she knows why she stays.

[Owl]

I think its more like what Reboot said...

 

Her H was complacent before the affair was out in the open. He didn't see that he needed to WORK on his relationship with her to keep it healthy. And from the sounds of it, it seems to me that the MW in this case was JUST as complacent and inattentive to the marriage. Look at all the time SHE was out with SD as an example. What would have happened if she'd spent as much effort into communicating the problem and working with her H to fix things in the marriage as she did running out to be with SD???

 

Once the affair came out, it was a 'wake up call' for all parties involved.

 

I HIGHLY doubt its got to do with ego.

 

It sure didn't in my case. It had to do with wanting to save my marriage to a woman I loved. And from what I've seen, that seems to be the most common reason couples work on reconciliation after an affair.

[Tomcat33]

We get complacent. Often things have gotten much worse than we realize, and it takes a hard slap in the face (as in an A) to wake us up. Maybe sometimes it is territorial, but not always. It wasn't with me. I told her she could have him and good riddance. She convinced me that wasn't what she wanted, and then I was willing to fight. I agree sd's BH is acting oddly if everything sd is telling us is the truth. I've been saying that all along, and that's why I wonder if sd really knows the whole truth.

 

 

how long was your W's affair Boot?

[Tomcat33]

And how long was your W's A OWL?

[Owl]

My wife's affair was caught relatively early. And was an emotional affair only...it never became physical because he lived on the other side of the country, and I caught on, snooped, and 'busted' the affair earlier than either of them thought was likely.

 

So, from the point where they crossed the "friendship line" into affairland? About six months.

 

What's the point of your question, TC?

 

If its any value to you, I've also spent the last three years on this and other marriage/infidelity/relationship forums and have seen how things have played out for NUMEROUS people over that time frame on those forums and others.

 

 

BTW...I do agree. If it's "TRUE LOVE"...then six months of NC won't change anything at all, will it?

 

So take six months of NC, and see where things are at then. If its "true love"...she'll come running back to SD then, and nothing will have changed. Right?

[Tomcat33]

My wife's affair was caught relatively early. And was an emotional affair only...it never became physical because he lived on the other side of the country, and I caught on, snooped, and 'busted' the affair earlier than either of them thought was likely.

 

So, from the point where they crossed the "friendship line" into affairland? About six months.

 

What's the point of your question, TC?

 

If its any value to you, I've also spent the last three years on this and other marriage/infidelity/relationship forums and have seen how things have played out for NUMEROUS people over that time frame on those forums and others.

 

 

BTW...I do agree. If it's "TRUE LOVE"...then six months of NC won't change anything at all, will it?

 

So take six months of NC, and see where things are at then. If its "true love"...she'll come running back to SD then, and nothing will have changed. Right?

 

The point of my question OWL is that we all lose our paths at one point or another and get complacent in relationships, but in all honesty and please think this one out before you answer it, you know you were disconnected from your W when the EA or A happened but do you think she could have had a 3.5 yr relationship behind your back, like Stamp is describing here and still call yourself "simply complacent"?

 

C'mon that's beyond complacency, that's down right not giving a damn of your spouses wherabouts, of what they feel of what they think and what you think/feel or the status of your union in general.

 

My question is relevant in that unless you were in that very same situation and can offer us insight into why you would let yourself go for as long as you did and let the connection slide as it did (on your part I aks but we all know it takes two) then how can you say that we simply "get complacent" three years is a long time to get complacent.

the part of the BS is very valid in this question because the cheater is off getting their needs met in the other relationship so you can see how they can let themselves go for so long they are getting it elsewhere but how does the BS go with nothing for so long? you see where I am getting at?

[reboot]

C'mon that's beyond complacency, that's down right not giving a damn of your spouses wherabouts, of what they feel of what they think and what you think/feel or the status of your union in general.

I agree wholeheartedly, and that's why I keep thinking there's some truths missing here. That or this guy (BH) is just thick as a brick.

[stampdaddy]

I agree wholeheartedly, and that's why I keep thinking there's some truths missing here. That or this guy (BH) is just thick as a brick.

Reboot.. I don't want to call the guy a Brick, BUT, I am very confident in the things that I have shared with you guys as being the truth, AND there is alot more that I havent shared.. For example, H has one best friend, grew up with the guy.. He is around the 40ish year old, and just got married for the first time in the summer.. Dated this girl for a long time.. Anyway, I can't tell you how many times MW would be "out with the girls, out shopping , or whereever she was OUT to" and they would "pop in" or H would call them over.. A handful or more of times. I mean, C'mon.. Hey H, wheres the W? "Oh, she's out again... WITHOUT H... And I'm a seasoned, traveled cool dude.. I shake my head so much at some of this stuff, my neck gets sore.. AND NOW, the "attention" he gives is "monitoring phone calls and records. Watching a freaking "BLIP" on the computer screen tracking her via GPS. Checking called ID at home, worrying all day while at work, with "check in calls", scheduling MC appointments, grilling her with questions, etc....

 

By the way, HAD A VISITOR PART 2 is coming to a thread near you shortly

[Tomcat33]

Hey H, wheres the W? "Oh, she's out again... WITHOUT H... And I'm a seasoned, traveled cool dude.. I shake my head so much at some of this stuff, my neck gets sore.. AND NOW, the "attention" he gives is "monitoring phone calls and records. Watching a freaking "BLIP" on the computer screen tracking her via GPS. Checking called ID at home, worrying all day while at work, with "check in calls", scheduling MC appointments, grilling her with questions, etc....

 

 

 

Pfft typical, couldn't give a rat's azz for years on end all of a sudden he is Mr parole officer. The guy needs a hobbie not a W.

[reboot]

It's really easy for everyone to sit here and claim to know what that man and woman feel in their hearts and think in their minds based soley on what stampdaddy says. It's pretty obvious how unbiased HE is, right?

[stampdaddy]

It's really easy for everyone to sit here and claim to know what that man and woman feel in their hearts and think in their minds based soley on what stampdaddy says. It's pretty obvious how unbiased HE is, right?

I think I try to take as an unbaised approach as possible.. I have been "listening" for 3 1/2 years.. I havent just been flailing around with a big fat smile on my face. I have kept EVERY door open for this thing to fall apart over the years IF I EVER saw a "hint of hope" for them.. It's hard to explain, hard to tell anyone how close to the situation I have been, and YES I believe what she has told me.. I just didnt ask her 3 years ago if she's unhappy at home and then go on. It has been a pressure cooker for sometime now..

 

Anyway, give me a little more benefit if the doubt if you can.. thanks

[reboot]

Anyway, give me a little more benefit if the doubt if you can.. thanks

I can't. You're welcome.

[LifesontheUp]

I think I try to take as an unbaised approach as possible.. I have been "listening" for 3 1/2 years.. I havent just been flailing around with a big fat smile on my face. I have kept EVERY door open for this thing to fall apart over the years IF I EVER saw a "hint of hope" for them.. It's hard to explain, hard to tell anyone how close to the situation I have been, and YES I believe what she has told me.. I just didnt ask her 3 years ago if she's unhappy at home and then go on. It has been a pressure cooker for sometime now..

 

Anyway, give me a little more benefit if the doubt if you can.. thanks

 

Oh come on now, you've listened to her side and her side only.......what SHE chooses to tell you. She's keeping you hanging on and on.

 

I hope that once the 6 months is up that she makes a choice....for everyones sake.

[LifesontheUp]

I agree wholeheartedly, and that's why I keep thinking there's some truths missing here. That or this guy (BH) is just thick as a brick.

 

Of course there is more as she is still with her husband.....the one she apparently no longer wants, the one she no longer loves. ACTION speaks louder than words.

 

It takes TWO in a marriage and I'm sorry stamp but you DO NOT know 100% what has been going on between them unless you have been living with them 24/7.

 

Its a fact..........she is a liar. Do not be mistaken that she won't lie to you too.

[LifesontheUp]

I think its more like what Reboot said...

 

Her H was complacent before the affair was out in the open. He didn't see that he needed to WORK on his relationship with her to keep it healthy. And from the sounds of it, it seems to me that the MW in this case was JUST as complacent and inattentive to the marriage. Look at all the time SHE was out with SD as an example. What would have happened if she'd spent as much effort into communicating the problem and working with her H to fix things in the marriage as she did running out to be with SD???

 

Once the affair came out, it was a 'wake up call' for all parties involved.

 

I HIGHLY doubt its got to do with ego.

 

It sure didn't in my case. It had to do with wanting to save my marriage to a woman I loved. And from what I've seen, that seems to be the most common reason couples work on reconciliation after an affair.

 

Think this nails it. They both have had a wake up call once the affair was found out. It is a regular theme played out on infidelity forums worldwide, during marriage counselling sessions and what I've seen around me too.

 

I wonder how long the affair would have continued in that way if they hadn't have been found out. Would you have been here in 9 years time asking what you should do to get her to leave her husband stampdaddy? If she hasn't left him after being found out, what the heck is going to make her do it??

[Tomcat33]

Excuse me but it didn't take the unhappy spouse 3 months to clue in to what his Wife was doing it took him 3.5yrs, PLUS add to that the years prior to that the problems were having that's almost half a marriage to someone, half of their relationship was spent as two strangers living under the same roof. Wake up call my azz, a wake up call is you feel the drift you find a number in your partner's cellphone bill not 8 friggin years of living like roommates to find out "oh by the way she was seeing someone all along THAT was the problem"

 

Please this woman takes vacations with her OM and spent every single weekend crawling into bed with him early in the morning. Pleaaase! "wake up call" don't make me laugh!

[stillafool]

I think it's easy for her h to put up with her because he has her there in his home. Like WWIU said, you don't know what she is doing to improve her marriage and regain his love. This woman isn't going anywhere. You need to get out and be with people even if you don't feel like it. The holidays can be so tough on the OP.

[LifesontheUp]

Excuse me but it didn't take the unhappy spouse 3 months to clue in to what his Wife was doing it took him 3.5yrs, PLUS add to that the years prior to that the problems were having that's almost half a marriage to someone, half of their relationship was spent as two strangers living under the same roof. Wake up call my azz, a wake up call is you feel the drift you find a number in your partner's cellphone bill not 8 friggin years of living like roommates to find out "oh by the way she was seeing someone all along THAT was the problem"

 

Please this woman takes vacations with her OM and spent every single weekend crawling into bed with him early in the morning. Pleaaase! "wake up call" don't make me laugh!

 

Yeah whilst her husband was looking after the kids.

 

What a fantastic mother...................NOT!!!! What a fantastic role model What a prize

 

and please spare me............the kids WILL gave suffered whilst she so selfishly neglected them for stampdaddy

[Owl]

So are you saying that because she got away with all that she's done, her BS deserves what he gets?

 

I grant he was an idiot from the sounds of it.

 

I also think that there's more going on here than any of us know.

 

This ISN'T all on the BS. She's the one who's been catting around with SD all this time...because her BS was an idiot and didn't put a stop to it does NOT legitimize any of this. It doesn't make it right, it doesn't make it his fault...it doesn't negate SD's or MW's responsibility for what they've been doing, and the damage its doing to her FAMILY.

[stampdaddy]

So are you saying that because she got away with all that she's done, her BS deserves what he gets?

 

I grant he was an idiot from the sounds of it.

 

I also think that there's more going on here than any of us know.

 

This ISN'T all on the BS. She's the one who's been catting around with SD all this time...because her BS was an idiot and didn't put a stop to it does NOT legitimize any of this. It doesn't make it right, it doesn't make it his fault...it doesn't negate SD's or MW's responsibility for what they've been doing, and the damage its doing to her FAMILY.

 

Nobody said it did, especially NOT ME.