Does anyone just get tired of it all?

[GreenEyedLady]

he wonders if will he get that profound love his OW promised him?

 

You know, it probably depends on the man...

 

I think that they worry that they will give up so much to be with their lover and fear her leaving them...So he would have given up comfort and stability and end up alone...

 

And I think they don't leave because it's such an unknown...And unless they're sure, they'll stay...but keep up the 2 R's as long as they can...

 

Because unless you see the changes from him, he won't leave...I think there are so many signs when you're waiting and wondering and that's why you're wondering, because nothing has changed...and then when you see the changes, that's when you know, without a doubt...At least that's how it was for me...

 

But they have to be at peace with their decision...They have to do away with thoughts of duty and judgment of others and decide that they want to be happy and that life with you is at least as good (if not better) than what they already have...

 

That's just my opinion...

[OWoman]

I told MM right from the beginning I could never demand that he leave his W for me because of those very reasons.

 

...

 

Yet, if he did choose to leave for me on his own and made all those sacrifices for our love my heart would absolutely melt. I would try to love him so completely in order to alleviate any suffering he endured and to assure him that all of it was worthwhile.

 

Not to change the subject, but does anyone think that this may be at the very heart of the matter? Do MM not leave their Ws because when it all boils down he wonders if will he get that profound love his OW promised him?

 

WF I too never made those kind of demands. Initially because that was so far from what I wanted - it was supposed to be just a quick, fun diversion on the side - but later because I thought that was absolutely the wrong thing to do. If a MM is feeling trapped and unhappy in a M (though MM never claimed this) then the very worst thing to do IMO is to put pressure on them because they would then simply feel trapped and unhappy in a different R with a different person. I thought that if he really wanted to leave his M he would, and if he really wanted to be with me he would.

 

I'm sure he got the pressure elsewhere though - being an open couple, everyone who saw us together was struck by the difference in him and urged him to do "the right thing". And when his kids gave the green light I suppose he knew what he needed to do.

 

But your last question is I think very important. MM fell in love for me very hard and sooner than I found myself in that space with him. But he didn't dare envision a future together or take steps towards it until he was sure that it was something I wanted, too, and that any moves from his side to leave his M weren't going to be seen as some kind of pressure or emotional blackmail from his side on me. He needed to know that this was something we both wanted, that it wasn't going to create just more unhappiness down the line, that there was actually something we were working towards.

[frannie]

I told MM right from the beginning I could never demand that he leave his W for me because of those very reasons.

 

Yet, if he did choose to leave for me on his own and made all those sacrifices for our love my heart would absolutely melt. I would try to love him so completely in order to alleviate any suffering he endured and to assure him that all of it was worthwhile.

 

Did he say at the beginning that his marriage was OK and he was happy with it and had no intentions of leaving..? I'm just wondering because while I never 'demanded' that my MM leave his W (just the thought of anyone doing that is somewhat ridiculous), he did, right from the beginning, say that his relationship with his W was awful, and that he was sure it was 'over'.

 

So, having become involved with him after a time of talking to him and he telling me no, he wasn't interested in making things work with his W (which is still the case), yes, I did have expectations that he would follow through on that. Not 'demands', but definitely expectations.

 

Because I never saw myself as being an intentional OW. Had he said he just wanted an affair I wouldn't have been interested.

 

And I think they don't leave because it's such an unknown...And unless they're sure, they'll stay...but keep up the 2 R's as long as they can...

 

But they have to be at peace with their decision...They have to do away with thoughts of duty and judgment of others and decide that they want to be happy and that life with you is at least as good (if not better) than what they already have...

 

I agree with this. For those who actually want to leave, that is. It is an enormous unknown, and an enormous risk to take with no certainties out there. Of course no one can offer them certainties either, or shouldn't do. It does or can take an awful long time for them to decide they can make that move even when it's what they most want, especially if the OW is understanding and doesn't want to break up with them either. The arguments are compelling, because they're so true: just reading OWoman's post it's clear, and it's not just about what other people will think, or personal doubts, it's knowing full well that a lot of people you care about (especially the children) will be very hurt. And that's not something anyone does lightly.

[precious1357]

You believe all he is telling you? What is the age difference between him and you? How long have you been a item?

 

I believe him, I'm 52 and he's 62 and we have been in love for about a year. I don't believe I've given him "control" over my life...I've been hurt before, my husband died and the loneliness is overwhelming. Please don't say just go out and get a single man...ha! That's a bunch of bs, its been 10 years and there are plenty of males but very little real men and I love this MM very much, so either way things will get better.

[Frances]

I believe him, I'm 52 and he's 62 and we have been in love for about a year. I don't believe I've given him "control" over my life...I've been hurt before, my husband died and the loneliness is overwhelming. Please don't say just go out and get a single man...ha! That's a bunch of bs, its been 10 years and there are plenty of males but very little real men and I love this MM very much, so either way things will get better.

 

I find it a bit hard to believe that everything is in her name and that they have not had sex for 5 years. Why would he stay if he has a way out, he has a good job. Has he children? I know even if they are adults it would be hard to break that family up. My kids (all adults)would hate if my h and I broke up which is the big reason I am staying put (for the time being at least) after my h EA.

 

I do know something of the loneliness of being on your own after losing a spouse. Two of my family have and several friends. My sister was very bad for a long time (age 41 when h died), she had a few affairs mainly holiday ones. She was going out with a man for 4 months before she discovered he was married with children. She was soooo glad she had not slept with him and dumped him fast. She is very wary now. The other family member joined a berevement group and met a lovey man who had also lost his wife, they are now together for the last 6 years but will not marry for pension reasons.

 

He may be stringing you a long like a lot of MM. Just make sure what you are doing.

 

Good luck

[feelingtorn]

Then there are times I know I love my MM and want nothing more than to be with him even though there is all these obstacles.

 

eerie, that's what my OM told me. He said he did not mind any of it as long as he could still see me. I just knew that I could never leave my H. I first thought OM was my long over-due soul-mate, but slowly realized that it was the affiar fever, and actually we were very different and not so compatible as partners. I recently broke it off. It lasted 10 months. I just couldn't lie to myself and others involved any more. Not sure what I am trying to say here. My brain has been full of mixed emotions lately. Best wishes to you and MM. Hope it works out for you two.