funkybassplayer Posted November 19, 2007 Share Posted November 19, 2007 Of course. You just have to do what feels right for you. Being creative is a great way to get out the feelings to the surface. Im not good at writeing but im good on the bass, and gigs have helped me greatly. Whatever this deep emotion that you felt today was in you weather or not the ex replied to you, it was there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MattyTee Posted November 19, 2007 Author Share Posted November 19, 2007 Hey Funky, I think anything creative can be an outlet to finding ourselves - I never knew that before and have not nourished any creativity before this. I also know that there is an addiction to a victim role within me. I've been working through it in therapy but I can see it popping up now and then. Perhaps that's what this is about. Maybe she's not completely willing to let go either, there was a vast difference in communication between this and her last email to me. Either way, I'm not going to respond to her contacting me. I'm not even vaguely ready. As others have said if our paths cross in the future then so be it, but for now I know it's not the right time You are absolutely right the feelings were there that was just a catalyst really. It was good to cry. It was good to feel a great deal of support on here too. I'll look back in a few days and grin I'm sure. Thanks again folks Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted November 19, 2007 Share Posted November 19, 2007 Do you really cry all the time ?.. You talk a lot about crying.. Maybe you are depressed ?.. Not being able to control your emotions and crying all the time can be symptom of depression. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MattyTee Posted November 19, 2007 Author Share Posted November 19, 2007 I do cry quite a bit yeah I do have depression and that's why I am going to see my therapist, among other reasons. Actually for a couple of years I was unable to cry at all, I think this is a backlog A lot of what is coming up is from childhood - when is it not eh. If you are referring to the blog, well I've been through a great deal of emotional stuff and even going to therapy sort of massages new issues to the surface. The last few weeks have been much better with a lot less sadness overall. It's progress and I'm happy with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted November 19, 2007 Share Posted November 19, 2007 You sound like you have yourself on track to wellness then.. Keep seeing your therapist and also make sure you tell him/her what is going on in your life no matter how small... They can key on the smallest of things at times that can help them help you Link to post Share on other sites
Author MattyTee Posted November 19, 2007 Author Share Posted November 19, 2007 Thanks Art, The mind is a sneaky bugger and can launch things at you when you least expect. Obviously I'm still very much in love with her but this is time for me. I let go of any hope of reconciliation and decided it was time to move forwards with my relationship to myself. I'm certainly not ready for any kind of relationship with someone else right now, especially her. Were she wanting (not that I believe she does or will) reconciliation she would simply have to wait, I'm not done yet Link to post Share on other sites
bustertypsy Posted November 19, 2007 Share Posted November 19, 2007 Matty,it's obvious just hearing from her,even though she made nice comments,it just brings back all the memories,and makes them feel that much fresher. This can be traumatic and can be hard to fathom. I have been there,sobbing in my room,wanting the rest of the world to shag off and leave me suffer alone. But I actually believe moments like these begin to give you the strength you require to face the hardship that is at your front door. You will feel better tomorrow!I truly believe that you must hurt in order to heal(no pain no gain) and there is no miracle cure to heal a broken heart.If there was then this site would cease to be. Head up,keep the pen close at hand. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MattyTee Posted November 19, 2007 Author Share Posted November 19, 2007 Oh and besides ... I write better miserable Link to post Share on other sites
Author MattyTee Posted November 19, 2007 Author Share Posted November 19, 2007 Matty,it's obvious just hearing from her,even though she made nice comments,it just brings back all the memories,and makes them feel that much fresher. This can be traumatic and can be hard to fathom. I have been there,sobbing in my room,wanting the rest of the world to shag off and leave me suffer alone. But I actually believe moments like these begin to give you the strength you require to face the hardship that is at your front door. You will feel better tomorrow!I truly believe that you must hurt in order to heal(no pain no gain) and there is no miracle cure to heal a broken heart.If there was then this site would cease to be. Head up,keep the pen close at hand. Thanks Buster!! You are right, a lot of it is about memories and I had been doing a spiffing job of keeping those right out. As you say we're given challenges to learn and grow, so I say keep bringing them on (although if God is listening, perhaps give me some decent time between ). I'm wishing you the best with your healing too man! Link to post Share on other sites
bustertypsy Posted November 19, 2007 Share Posted November 19, 2007 Thanks Matty,while I emphatise with all who post on LS,I find through reading you posts that I would associate myself best with you. I can feel your pain,and can pair it with mine.Don't know but just feel that we are on the same page.Yesterday and today were extremely difficult for me.I had to do things(work related) today which I wish I could have put off,but I couldn't.It reminded me of you, saying that you were in work,in a heap,but nobody copped it.I always try to hide it too,except to VERY close friends,family.Life is so tough when we are going thru this $hit,but you told me things will get better(in a previous post) and I am now saying the same,things will get better for both of us.I would rather feel the hurt of lost love than not being capable of loving. Cheers!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author MattyTee Posted November 19, 2007 Author Share Posted November 19, 2007 Hey man, Yeah I hear you. It's a hard thing to put on a brave face and just suck it up, it can be very draining. Things will get better bro, for both of us as you say! We'll hang in there and get through it all. Perhaps even look back and laugh one day All the best Buster! Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer Girl Posted November 19, 2007 Share Posted November 19, 2007 perhaps the shock and unexpected took you by suprise... and that it was a message that was caring instead of anger, causing emotions unrevealed... Had it been anger you could hang on to what you are so accustom to.... she validated you... perhaps, what you have been wanting.... perhaps you will find some kind of peace with the validation and continue your self growth.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author MattyTee Posted November 19, 2007 Author Share Posted November 19, 2007 I hear ya Surfer It was indeed a shock. I honestly never expected to hear from her again - in any form. I didn't use anger to move away from her, but I pushed until she said "I don't love you any more". That was what enabled me to finally take my first few steps on my own journey, without her. I am confused as to why she wrote it but I shall accept that I am confused and just keep going on my own path. She knows where I am if she wants to talk seriously with me. I'm glad that she has shown she still cares, because I was worried who she might be turning into. I shall take a deep breath, hold the love in my heart and keep on exploring Link to post Share on other sites
your star Posted November 20, 2007 Share Posted November 20, 2007 Thanks Art, The mind is a sneaky bugger and can launch things at you when you least expect. Obviously I'm still very much in love with her but this is time for me. I let go of any hope of reconciliation and decided it was time to move forwards with my relationship to myself. I'm certainly not ready for any kind of relationship with someone else right now, especially her. Were she wanting (not that I believe she does or will) reconciliation she would simply have to wait, I'm not done yet hi Matty, just another curve on this bumpy rollercoaster we are on. and i think you meant to say, you hope something eats her..not you love her.. hehe. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MattyTee Posted November 20, 2007 Author Share Posted November 20, 2007 Hey star! Haha! Yep, something eats her, so true! Damn this stupid heart Link to post Share on other sites
Author MattyTee Posted November 20, 2007 Author Share Posted November 20, 2007 Damnit, it's annoying because it's awoken a tiny shred of hope in me again and I'd stopped hoping!!! Grrrr! I know it's stupid to be honest. Her message was almost an re-affirmation of all the things she said. I'm fine without her, look forward not back and so on. Link to post Share on other sites
SunnyLady Posted November 20, 2007 Share Posted November 20, 2007 Damnit, it's annoying because it's awoken a tiny shred of hope in me again and I'd stopped hoping!!! Grrrr! I know it's stupid to be honest. Her message was almost an re-affirmation of all the things she said. I'm fine without her, look forward not back and so on. I totally understand what you mean there! It can be quite frustrating. The other day i heard from my ex, we had a brief chat etc. For the next week i was replaying the chat in my head everyday. Almost expecting him to contact me saying he wanted me back...i actually got impatient waiting. I guess i was in a state of disillusion. Now i realise that if he isnt coming back for me then im going to abstain from all form of contact. It keeps drawing me back. Well i'm glad your ex still remembers you are such a beautiful person-- Its funny how iv hardly come across men with so much love to share. Her message seems to have some meaning to it. Is it supposed to be a form of consolation or a reminder that she hasnt forgotten of your exsistence?? Surely she must know that you viewing such a warm message would have an impact on you? I hate the fact that ex's have so much power of a person. They become like mini-gods. lol. . This is why i hate subtle messages---you spend time trying to figure out the impossible. sigh. Anyway that shouldnt be your concern now... keep moving... Its good to have a good cry. It relieves me of tension and sorrow. . I hope you feel better soon. (hugs) Link to post Share on other sites
funkybassplayer Posted November 20, 2007 Share Posted November 20, 2007 i think shes saying move forward with your life. It kinda sounds like a nice goodbye to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted November 20, 2007 Share Posted November 20, 2007 Damnit, it's annoying because it's awoken a tiny shred of hope in me again and I'd stopped hoping!!! Grrrr! Nothing has really changed from two days ago when you were coping well. The only thing that has changed is in your mind, so, don't listen to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MattyTee Posted November 20, 2007 Author Share Posted November 20, 2007 Sunny, you are right it's about keeping the momentum going. It is confusing and I just have to accept that. Thank you for the compliment but I'm just like everyone else with plenty of problems and baggage - I think a better side comes across on the forums perhaps. Funky man, you say it straight and you made me cry with that I was at work too, that was an awkward moment. I think you are right, it was a beautiful goodbye. I felt I had already done that and it hurts to do it again. I'll just go through this as I went through it before. Spindy, I know and you put it so well. I can't help listening just a little bit but I'll get through. I'll cry, I'll come on here and feel supported and I'll bore my friends and family once more. I'm sure I'll be okay. I think I obviously have a bit more crying to do. I'll be strong again soon Thank you all for the love and support. I really feel it Link to post Share on other sites
funkybassplayer Posted November 20, 2007 Share Posted November 20, 2007 Hey im sorry what i said made you cry, but please know that i have been where you are, belive me, i felt felt the lowest lows in my last break up even comparable with my dads passing. Of course all this greif and emotion is in you, and i guess sometimes hearing it as it is will bring it to the surface. I hope you are feeling a little better, it sure sounds like your really going through it at the moment, but you will come out of this more aware of yourself and your emotions, and you will be stronger, and you wont be afraid to love again. This is all part of life journy, and at the moment its your turn to really grow as a person. One day you will be really happy again, be that by yourself, or with a partner but you will. Recently i have been dating, met some cool, and some not so cool, and made great frineds, but im just as happy, if not happeir now than when i was with my ex and her 3 kids, and i loved them all dearly, i still do, but in my heart. You will too accept that some things just are not ment to be, but they are a springboard to the next stage of your life, whatever that may be. Just try and see what life and this break up is trying to show you in your life at the moment, and build on that as a new person. Maybe one day you will be frineds with her, who knows, but all that really matters at this moment, is u and your own healing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MattyTee Posted November 21, 2007 Author Share Posted November 21, 2007 Hey Funky, Thanks man, it's okay - it was good to hear what you said before, I think you were spot on. I got a second comment from her today - I sort of knew the last one was coming (don't ask me why) but this took me by surprise. It was a very loving, caring comment that said sorry for the way things had turned out and it let me know she still cares about me. Once more, I'm bowled over smack on my backside by it all. Rationally I don't know why. I don't think she'll contact me again, this was a goodbye. I have 15 hours at work today, I'm just hoping I can get through them all. Some more crying Link to post Share on other sites
Author MattyTee Posted November 21, 2007 Author Share Posted November 21, 2007 Just venting really ... but in a bit of a state. I don't know why I find it so hard to hear from her, especially when she's being nice to me. She did say she didn't want to give me false hope or lead me on, she just felt that things had ended badly. She was right, the last email she had sent me was cruel ... This wasn't, it was caring and now I'm f'd all over again. Boohoo! I need a hug Link to post Share on other sites
carrotgirl Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 {{{{Matty!}}}} The bold is extra hugging oomph. Everything will be okay. Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
Author MattyTee Posted November 21, 2007 Author Share Posted November 21, 2007 Thank you Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
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