Fiancees Past haunts me to no ends. Driving me crazy!

[genki]

I met her and surprised her but instead of feeling good I left miserable. She had hidden more surprises for me. Will this ever end?

[maria577]

what surprises?

[Tripper]

She had hidden more surprises for me. Will this ever end?

 

Does it really matter?? Your gf has a sexual history, and you have difficulty dealing with that fact. I think you have all the knowledge of her past you need to make an informed decision. Digging for more isn't going to be productive and if she needs the catharsis of getting all this out, it should be to a therapist, not you. You are too close to be impartial and unemotional.

 

Given all that has been posted in this thread, I think some therapy for your gf is needed. She has her own issues around the rape and her subsequent behaviour that she needs to work out.

[genki]

what surprises?

she says she wants to be honest

 

To start with the rape she said he pulled her stuff off and she ran around and told him to stop and kicked him and he was getting angry and she ran upstairs which was his bedroom and then she just gave up. He never punched or kicked or hurt her apart from pulling her hair and she thinks she led him own though she could have easily run out or shouted out loud plenty of neighours etc.

 

 

 

Then she tells me she gave the 2nd guy many many many BJs many(something she claimed only few). And that they probably ****ed like 80-90times(number went up by double).

 

Her friend ****ed somebody in front of others and she told me she couldnt do that because its wrong and shes insecure of her body (which is it?).

 

She said yes shes loud in bed and made noises and he was louder and yes his roommate would have seen them and heard them walk in and out etc but she didnt know though she thought it was wrong hmmmm

 

And finally she admitted she compared me to her past many times in terms of how I make her cum and intensity, how i excite her, how long i can last, how big i am, how gentle and sensual I am, how quite I am and not noisy like 2nd guy(though she wants me noisy) etc, how awesome i am down WOW I feel so special being compared to that loser.

 

She was actually supposed to leave within 1.5months or so when she ****ed him and moved in straight away and though her uni finished she stayed with him and friends for another 1month. She liked him and yes she did enjoy ****ing him and when he couldnt last long 3mins she hated him and thought he was a loser.

 

She never imagined him as marriage material etc but deluded herself though she knew he was a flake and a loser and had girls around and a flirt.

 

Her friends gave her the vibrator and she couldnt say no and used it daily to relieve herself of stress yet never STUCK it in because it was wrong but a pen3s is ok???

 

 

She wants me to lose my virginity to her or if I cant that I should try. It would make her feel special and accepted and unique and full of pride. Funny because she cant give me any of that.

[Cobra_X30]

 

Then she tells me she gave the 2nd guy many many many BJs many(something she claimed only few). And that they probably ****ed like 80-90times(number went up by double).

 

And finally she admitted she compared me to her past many times in terms of how I make her cum and intensity, how i excite her, how long i can last, how big i am, how gentle and sensual I am, how quite I am and not noisy like 2nd guy(though she wants me noisy) etc, how awesome i am down WOW I feel so special being compared to that loser.

 

She wants me to lose my virginity to her or if I cant that I should try. It would make her feel special and accepted and unique and full of pride. Funny because she cant give me any of that.

 

Uh... What exactly have you done with this girl?

 

After everything I've read... I do not think she truely understands or shares your values. She seems very selfish.

 

What is there to love about this girl? Because I'm really not seeing it.

[genki]

Cobra Im confused about it too. I do see good in her or maybe I fooled myself into thinking I saw something that wasnt there?

 

I see this insecure emotional kind caring compassionate loyal sweet loving girl or atleast thats what I believed.

 

With all the lies and her past I am now confused. Maybe I was deluding myself? But she definately wasnt she she is now even when i met her.

[maria577]

genki, I think Tripper made a point in her posting. Probably your GF needs to see a therapist and she shouldnt be telling you all these details because you are not her therapist. You on the other hand need to continue healing yourself from the lies.

[Cobra_X30]

Cobra Im confused about it too. I do see good in her or maybe I fooled myself into thinking I saw something that wasnt there?

 

I see this insecure emotional kind caring compassionate loyal sweet loving girl or atleast thats what I believed.

 

With all the lies and her past I am now confused. Maybe I was deluding myself? But she definately wasnt she she is now even when i met her.

 

What about her is worth validating your risk!

 

Listen, so far you have focused on her past so much, maybe I'm not getting a good picture of who she is right now.

 

I'm starting to get this vibe that she is manipulative and selfish.

 

You need to start talking this through... and you need to focus on who she is right at this moment. I dont care what she did two years ago, because if she isnt a good person now... your just wasting time!

[Tripper]

.

And finally she admitted she compared me to her past many times in terms of how I make her cum and intensity, how i excite her, how long i can last, how big i am, how gentle and sensual I am, how quite I am and not noisy like 2nd guy(though she wants me noisy) etc, how awesome i am down WOW I feel so special being compared to that loser.

 

Wait a second here... am I missing something??

 

Genki, I thought you were a virgin?? Are you and her having sexual contact/activities but not intercourse??

 

Please explain what's going on here in your post.

[Tripper]

she says she wants to be honest

 

To start with the rape she said he pulled her stuff off and she ran around and told him to stop and kicked him and he was getting angry and she ran upstairs which was his bedroom and then she just gave up. He never punched or kicked or hurt her apart from pulling her hair and she thinks she led him own though she could have easily run out or shouted out loud plenty of neighours etc.

 

I don't think this is about honesty as much as it is about needing to get it out. This is therapy material and should be dealt with by a professional.

[sally4sara]

Wait a second here... am I missing something??

 

Genki, I thought you were a virgin?? Are you and her having sexual contact/activities but not intercourse??

 

Please explain what's going on here in your post.

 

 

Im totally confused now too. It sounds to me like they've already had sex. How else could she be making these comparisons????

Can't help him if he is keeping us in the dark on this detail. Cause if he isn't a virgin anymore - things just got pear shaped!

[genki]

I havent slept with her like I said. But I did give her a lot of my firsts too.

[sally4sara]

I havent slept with her like I said. But I did give her a lot of my firsts too.

 

Is that okay with you? In standing with your views; you're not married. I'm not real clear on what you think is okay and what isn't.

 

Beyond her past, what qualities does she have that you value?

Do you think she would make a good mother if you end up wanting children?

Is she comfortable enough with your values/religion to help raise children with you in the way you feel is best?

Do you feel she is capable of being an equal partner and holding down an equal share of the responsibilities?

Do you want her to be a home maker or hold a job? Which one does she want to be?

What do you feel she will contribute to building a life with you?

 

These are the really important questions and the answers don't have to be dependent on her past if she has changed the way she lives now.

[Tripper]

I havent slept with her like I said. But I did give her a lot of my firsts too.

 

 

Firsts?? Are we talking contact in a sexual way?? eg: BJ, mutual masturbation, oral??

[genki]

Firsts?? Are we talking contact in a sexual way?? eg: BJ, mutual masturbation, oral??

 

Im talking things that not many people even consider special eg kiss hugs too.sexually BJ, Oral, fingering happened.

 

 

Sally:

It all started with her stealing my first kiss. For months I did nothing. Only held her, then slowly hugged, kissed etc. When I finally thought I knew this person and I asked if there was anything hidden etc I thought this is the person for me I want to marry this person and even gave them the last option of telling me anything etc they didnt. So I gave them those other firsts i mentioned to tripper.

 

 

And now I find she was not who she professed to be. I find that maybe I believed in her too much and fooled myself into thinking there was something special about her? maybe? Im such a mess I have no idea now?

 

 

Heres the pros from where I see and feel:

She DOES love me

She cares for me

She adores me

Shes given things physically

She has told me things shes never told anybody

Shes loving and caring

Shes loyal

She has changed and is changing

Shes listens to me and understand me

Many times she knows what Im thinking

I cant bear to see her sad or crying

Part of me still wants to forgive her and be with her

 

 

 

The cons:

Im not the only one shes loved or cared or adored for (though she says its different)

Physical from her record means nothing to her (though she says it does) and she says nobody has taken their time caressing her and holding her etc it was more like an animal ****ing.

She was an indecent slut ****ing people making noises etc when others were right outside and lying to me

Shes lied many many many many many many many times

She was probably loving and caring to the loser and others too(though she says no!)

Is she changing and changed for me or for herself? Sometimes when I hear her say **** like well atleast i didnt **** him in front of others etc I just dont know and shed be with me and say hes hot(some guy on tv) etc

She cant cook

She cant do any housework

Shes physically weak

Shes insecure

Shes emotional

 

 

Even the things she claimed she had done only for me like a last BJ when we thought we were going to part she had ****ed the guy 3 times on the last night.

 

Many of real life friends have stated just sleep with her screw her and then dump her. But I cant do that to her.

 

Had she told me everything and the truth I would have walked.

 

Had she told me everything maybe I might have looked past it.

 

 

What shes done is string me along so far and drip and drabs of truth that now when its all out there I myself feel dirty, used, unspecial and like trash and am left hopeless and cant decide.

[sally4sara]

Okay, seriously. She did not carry on like an indecent slut. She did things that can be looked at as mistakes if she feels that the end result was not what she had hoped.

And you mister! Are no longer so pure to be calling anyone names. You have participated in sexual acts that *some* other people would consider indecent even in marriage. Are those things okay simply because you did them?

 

But the other things...So she thinks after 8 months of being with you that she loves you and you think you love her. But can you answer all the questions I asked you? You didn't. Is it because you two haven't gotten to know each other well enough to know these answers yet? I get that you know she can't cook and doesn't clean, but what about her goals, plans for children, career? Have you been spending too much time talking about her past to have gotten to these subjects?

And on that note - why were you doing sexual things with a girl if you didn't know these answers? Answers anyone who is considering marriage should ask. Perhaps you too are experimenting before taking the plunge. Why is that okay for you to do without having learned all the things you should to even consider marrying her? Do you now see these sexual acts to be mistakes you have made? What would that mean to anyone else you might get into a relationship with?

Because the one con that you post about her that would make me move on is that she is weak. I respect a partner that can take care of themselves. Someone who can take care of things when I can't because I am willing to do the same. I've always said Cinderella can have Prince Charming; I'm need a Shadow Ninja because I can stomp all over Prince Charming.

Above and beyond all the affection, the sweetness, the being nice....you have to be able to respect someone to be able to call them "partner". A partner is your equal, someone who shares your goals, and can support AND challenge you. Someone who has your back and won't turn on you even in the face of their oldest friend.

So if you want to do all this sexual stuff with the one person you decide to marry, then you need to be asking yourself what qualities that person would have (besides a hymen) before you start doing sexual things. Otherwise, you fine sir, are a big ol' hypocrite!

[Tripper]

Im talking things that not many people even consider special eg kiss hugs too.sexually BJ, Oral, fingering happened.

 

It all started with her stealing my first kiss. For months I did nothing. Only held her, then slowly hugged, kissed etc. When I finally thought I knew this person and I asked if there was anything hidden etc I thought this is the person for me I want to marry this person and even gave them the last option of telling me anything etc they didnt. So I gave them those other firsts i mentioned to tripper.

 

Whoa.. Let me see if I've got this straight. You figured you were going to marry her, so you engaged in sexual acts?? How does this fit with your "staying a virgin" morality?? Short of stopping "at the gates of heaven" you have had sex albeit oral or, ahem, manual.

As S4S pointed out you haven't answered her questions regarding what you have really discussed about marriage and a life together. Sooooooo... don't you think you put the cart before the horse?? I mean if your going to remain "pure", don't you think you should be committed to marriage BEFORE engaging in sex??

 

 

She DOES love me

She cares for me

She adores me

Shes given things physically

She has told me things shes never told anybody

Shes loving and caring

Shes loyal

She has changed and is changing

Shes listens to me and understand me

Many times she knows what Im thinking

I cant bear to see her sad or crying

Part of me still wants to forgive her and be with her

So far the pro's indicate she is "girlfriend" material. I don't see anything here that says "wife as in equal life partner" potential. Sorry.

 

 

 

Im not the only one shes loved or cared or adored for (though she says its different)

Physical from her record means nothing to her (though she says it does) and she says nobody has taken their time caressing her and holding her etc it was more like an animal ****ing.

She was an indecent slut ****ing people making noises etc when others were right outside and lying to me

These are not facts, Genki. These are your perceptions of her.

 

 

Shes lied many many many many many many many times

She was probably loving and caring to the loser and others too(though she says no!)

Is she changing and changed for me or for herself? Sometimes when I hear her say **** like well atleast i didnt **** him in front of others etc I just dont know and shed be with me and say hes hot(some guy on tv) etc

She cant cook

She cant do any housework

Shes physically weak

Shes insecure

Shes emotional

Having lived alone for 9 years, housework isn't a big deal for me. And as I am a classically trained chef neither is cooking. I don't expect women to be as physically strong as a man, but I do expect emotional stability and a sense of self worth. Personally I see too many red flags for you to marry this girl, and I'm not talking about her sexual past; I'm talking about her emotional make up.

 

Marriage is a life partnership where values, common goals, mutual respect, trust and honesty form the foundation for love to grow. The physical/sexual side of marriage while important, is not going to hold you together if you don't have the above.

Genki, I think you're in love with the idea of a pretty, docile Japanese wife who can cook and clean. And be virginal in bed. Believe me you will be disappointed.

 

If you get married do it for the right reasons ie: you have a foundation on which to build a life together and if you split do it for the right reasons as well, ie you don't have that foundation.

 

Also, IMHO, both of you need therapy as you both have major issues to work out BEFORE you can consider marriage. Sorry but love just isn't enough.

[genki]

sally all that happened only 1.5 month ago. and i kept asking her. I told her I dont want to regret something. This is a big deal. have you lied to me? is there anything I should know? and she said no thats then when it happened and she initiated it. when I felt in my heart that i can forgive her past(the little I knew about it) and look forward to our marriage together.

 

Now im filled with regret and hence laminting on the point that she took very important things from me under pretexts and lies. had i know i would never have just like I havent since I found out. Im also feeling lowsy. I thought i was special to her but from the way she handled me I should have backed off she knew exactly what she was doing. I dont blame her only I blame myself too.

 

Its not that I care about a woman being able to cook etc or not no. Its like you guys said about being a partner to somebody. Im a very strong guy physically mentally emotional and am very capable and stand on my own 2 feet. She is on the opposite end having been spoilt by her parents, had a fun time, sleeping making out and ****ing others, and definately cant stand on her own.

[sally4sara]

sally all that happened only 1.5 month ago. and i kept asking her. I told her I dont want to regret something. This is a big deal. have you lied to me? is there anything I should know? and she said no thats then when it happened and she initiated it. when I felt in my heart that i can forgive her past(the little I knew about it) and look forward to our marriage together.

 

Now im filled with regret and hence laminting on the point that she took very important things from me under pretexts and lies. had i know i would never have just like I havent since I found out. Im also feeling lowsy. I thought i was special to her but from the way she handled me I should have backed off she knew exactly what she was doing. I dont blame her only I blame myself too.

 

Its not that I care about a woman being able to cook etc or not no. Its like you guys said about being a partner to somebody. Im a very strong guy physically mentally emotional and am very capable and stand on my own 2 feet. She is on the opposite end having been spoilt by her parents, had a fun time, sleeping making out and ****ing others, and definately cant stand on her own.

 

All this means is that you are the same as your girlfriend. You thought one thing and acted on it (without doing your proper homework I might add) because you, like her, crave pleasure. You said you we're always willing to wait till you truly knew your partner and knew they were the best person for you to marry. A spoiled brat whether they are a virgin or not, is not the best pick you could make and yet you thought she was. You lasted 8 months and didn't really consider what qualities you actually need in a partner beyond that they be a virgin. Now you feel it was a mistake that cannot be undone. So you either figure out how to help her grow up and be a responsible adult or you move on. Let's hope the next person you find can accept your past without all the shaming an fuss! Don't worry; being male means the double standard will work in your favor.

Welcome to being human.

 

But I think its clear that you need to drop the shame thing if you want to stay with this girl. You are merely a technical virgin Genki. All those sexual things are acts of intimacy. Just because you haven't (and I don't really believe it at this point) fully penetrated her, you've done everything else. You have no reason to look down on her just because you haven't done that one thing. I mean most people who are just screwing around casually opt out of the oral sex thing for safety because there is little enjoyment from safe oral sex. That means you've exchanged fluids with her without really knowing if she was the girl you should marry.

[sally4sara]

P.S. Genki, that means you resisted temptation from having sex in your first real relationship exactly as long as I did. Guess you're not so different from me either!

[genki]

Look sally I was honest.

 

And if I ever meet somebody else and drop this girl then I would upfront tell them I have done this and this no sugar coating or lying. I dont play double standards.

 

Till that point I repeatedly asked her and she kept thinking I didnt trust her or didnt want her. I asked her repeatedly before i did anything I told her are you sure about me? do you want to get married to me? are you sure? is there anything you havent told me about your past? THIS IS HIGHLY IMPORTANT TO ME PPPPPPLEASE TELL ME. She said honey I love you with all my being and all that I am. I havent lied to you about anything or my past. Wait and see who ill become. Yes we are getting married and I want to get married to you from the bottom of my heart.

 

 

Had she told me her past I GAURANTEE I WOULD NEVER HAVE. And even then all i did was show her myself nude. She went to work I never did anything and was surprised.

 

And I keep thinking about it and thinking and I would never have done that had I known her past. And for some reason I cant bring myself to hate her either. In many ways I feel sorry for her and want to be the shoulder for her to cry on and rely on. I want her to feel like shes worth something. But at the same time it makes me wonder all the other things.

 

Had I not gotten involved I would have said she isnt wife material.

 

If I could bring myself to hate her I could just move on and dump her. But Why cant i? Why do I still feel for her and cant bare to see her sad? Why cant I just walk away?

[genki]

And finally what Am I supposed to do about the rapist?

 

She wants me to do something. I want to do something because I dont believe in raping people and gettting away with it. Obviously the law cant help at this point.

 

And she said that once she run upstairs she just gave up and didnt fight him or shout to stop etc because she was cornered. In my book thats still rape.

[Tripper]

Even the things she claimed she had done only for me like a last BJ when we thought we were going to part

 

Now im filled with regret and hence laminting on the point that she took very important things from me under pretexts and lies. had i know i would never have just like I havent since I found out.

 

Can you clarify the above, Genki? From what I understand you're saying you haven't had any sexual contact since you found out her past, yet earlier you stated she gave you a "last BJ" prior to break up. Please comment.

 

 

 

And for some reason I cant bring myself to hate her either. In many ways I feel sorry for her and want to be the shoulder for her to cry on and rely on. I want her to feel like shes worth something.

 

If I could bring myself to hate her I could just move on and dump her. But Why cant i? Why do I still feel for her and cant bare to see her sad? Why cant I just walk away?

 

I think you better ask yourself if you truly love her. From all you've posted I get the sense that what you really feel is infatuation and pity. Honestly, I don't think you've been together long enough to decide if you truly love and respect her, and certainly the whole issue of your trying to deal with her past has clouded everything.

Even if you decide you truly love her, will you be able to respect her?? What about trust issues?? You feel she's lied and deceived you. How are you going to feel later in the relationship about trusting her? These are important questions you need to figure out answers to.

 

 

 

And finally what Am I supposed to do about the rapist?

 

She wants me to do something. I want to do something because I dont believe in raping people and gettting away with it. Obviously the law cant help at this point.

 

Genki, this was discussed before. Your choices here are limited. Smacking the guy around isn't going to fix the problem over the long haul if you end up getting charged with assault. Yes it's frustrating (frustration is anger turned inwards, remember that) but a better course of action would be to get your gf some therapy to help the healing.

 

Since you've had sexual contact and exchanged fluids albeit orally, if you didn't use a condom or an oral dam you may want to consider getting both you and your gf checked for STD's.

 

And if I ever meet somebody else and drop this girl then I would upfront tell them I have done this and this no sugar coating or lying. I dont play double standards.

 

So now that you feel you need to disclose this should you decide to find someone else, what happens to your standard of virginity in your partner?? Does it still stand?? Or is it ok if she's a virgin but has had other sexual contact?? Now this becomes a new standard and a moral dilemma.

[sally4sara]

And finally what Am I supposed to do about the rapist?

 

She wants me to do something. I want to do something because I dont believe in raping people and gettting away with it. Obviously the law cant help at this point.

 

And she said that once she run upstairs she just gave up and didnt fight him or shout to stop etc because she was cornered. In my book thats still rape.

 

She cannot expect you to go after him now. Rape is wrong and she should've reported it. She needs to seek counseling, not retribution.

[Cobra_X30]

And finally what Am I supposed to do about the rapist?

 

She wants me to do something. I want to do something because I dont believe in raping people and gettting away with it. Obviously the law cant help at this point.

 

And she said that once she run upstairs she just gave up and didnt fight him or shout to stop etc because she was cornered. In my book thats still rape.

 

Nothing! What you need to do is support her in getting therapy.

 

S4S brings up a very good point. Do you have any idea what is this girls life goals, dreams, ambitions... ect.

 

I mean here is what I see. She is selfish, manipulative, spoiled, and cannot tell the truth.

 

Yeah you gave her some firsts... and that makes you want to make this work, but I'm sorry... you made a mistake just like she did! Be glad you drew a line.

 

Do you get what I'm saying here? You have a false bond with this woman.

 

+ She DOES love me

+ She cares for me

+ She adores me

Shes given things physically

+ She has told me things shes never told anybody

+ Shes loving and caring

+ Shes loyal

She has changed and is changing

+ Shes listens to me and understand me

Many times she knows what Im thinking

I cant bear to see her sad or crying

Part of me still wants to forgive her and be with her

 

As I read your list of pro's I see so many items where its not about who she is... its about how you feel with her! Do you just fall for someone that gives you some attention?