Author genki Posted December 2, 2007 Author Posted December 2, 2007 She comes from a culture that is different in many ways from Western culture. Family life, position in society etc are much more structure and she was probably raised with a number of restrictions on her. Interacting with her male peers in Japan posed little danger since they were also raised the same way and were docile non-agressive and understood no means no. She had waited and though had BF pushing back then she said NO and they understood that though they did dump her. SHE waited when all others were losing theirs easily and all around because she believed in cherishing it for someone special. It was not the first time away from home and her parents are very liberal letting her choose whatever she wants. Freedom. However when she left for US she felt very lonely but rather than picking decent friends and joining clubs and improving herself and all she saw was everybody around her sleeping around and that theyd make fun of her being a virgin. She I guess in a way went looking for love. She stated that she thought she could protect herself. She thought she was tough and if she said no it meant no. ANd that would probably work much better here(no gaurantees) but most likely not back home. She was naive. So what happened happened and yes we all have different ways of dealing with things but then she states she had learned and though the next day she would regret making out with this guy and that etc she would repeat it again. And then finally theres the last guy. Even though her parents are liberals and gave her freedom EVEN they would be ashamed of who she was. If I solely could look at the person now as of RIGHT now and not even 4 months ago id say yes. But I have been a lot through with her. Do I believe she regrets her past? Yes I do and im sure she regrets it deeply Then again I had the same temptations and the same intense feeling of loneliness and same ridicule for being a virgin etc yet I managed not to faulter and stood my ground. And having a vibrator probably helped that number stay at 2 only. But do I believe she didnt enjoy the 2nd guy and want him and felt horny for him? NO I dont. Do I believe shed feel anything differently for me? No I dont. Do I believe my virginity something I fought so hard and cherished would mean anything to her apart from just another shag? No I dont which is saddening. Do I believe had she not been raped she would have still waited and been a much more decent person? Yes I do. Let me clarify. The problem here isnt that I cant just move on. Its also not a lack of virgins because I could easily find one. But how much I care for this girl. This silly goofy naive childish spoilt girl who apart from who she is cant cook or clean or do housework etc. Can I still see a life with her? Yes but I have no idea if I can ever get over her past , all her sexual acts, her indecency, immorality and the photos and images that haunt me. Tripper you touched on some very good points.
Author genki Posted December 2, 2007 Author Posted December 2, 2007 Sally: Im sorry If I caused offensive here and deep down like I have stated NOBODY HAS THE RIGHT TO RAPE SOMEBODY ELSE. NOBODY! No matter the circumstances etc. But many many guys given enough temptations and enough push may break. What I was basically trying to say though I guess It came out wrong or was misunderstood is that we each have our right to make things as safe as possible for us and avoid situations that would increase risks against us. Lets take this case for example and Im sure youll see what I mean. 1. Guy makes it clear aggresively he wants sex <--Warning sign and youd probably dump him 2. Guy takes you out for lots of drinks <---warning sign. Common method of getting raped is drugs and alcohol 3. Guy is a jock <---warning sign. Most likely isnt in it for love. Wants sex. Is agressive and may force it. 4. Guy drives you far away to somewhere you have never been <----HUGE warning sign. Its like driving you out in the sticks! 5. Guy then wants you to follow him to his place <---Warning sign. Walk away. 6. Guy passes on more drinks for you <---Warning sign 7. Guy gets hot and gropy and agressive and pulls your pants off <---Warning run for your life run out anywhere call cops shout for help do anything See? You had a ton of warning signs but you substantially increased the risks against you. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBILE for being raped. But you are responsibile for your own safety and to try and defend yourself and protect yourself. Obviously revealing clothes doesnt help the situation either.
sally4sara Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 You say you do believe if she hadn't been raped, the second guy might not have ever been. But you also say you did resist temptation where she didn't. Its like you are saying that if you could do it, then she should have been able to also. But Genki.........you were not raped. You cannot judge her actions in the same way because you did not have the same circumstances. For her to be faced with temptation after going through such a damaging thing to her self esteem and body. SHE would even more so crave someone to love her AND all the while feeling that she could no longer "save her self" for marriage. Rape victims often feel like they are forever damaged. Can you for even one minute try to think of how it would be walking around with THAT being the only thing you knew of sex when you were expecting something really special? And you Genki, you hang the special factor heavily on virginity. What would be the point in waiting anymore if some girl was able to force you lose your virginity? And yo also seem to assume that being turned on or having sex with one person, is exactly like with anyone else. OH MAN! it really is not! I was married for 8 years. We split over 6 years ago. Trust me - big differences from person to person. Not mention big differences with the same person from beginning to end of a long term relationship.
sally4sara Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 Sally: Im sorry If I caused offensive here and deep down like I have stated NOBODY HAS THE RIGHT TO RAPE SOMEBODY ELSE. NOBODY! No matter the circumstances etc. But many many guys given enough temptations and enough push may break. What I was basically trying to say though I guess It came out wrong or was misunderstood is that we each have our right to make things as safe as possible for us and avoid situations that would increase risks against us. Lets take this case for example and Im sure youll see what I mean. 1. Guy makes it clear aggresively he wants sex <--Warning sign and youd probably dump him ********** Not really. You've never been a girl Genki. I've been propositioned by many guys and said no and was perfectly able to enjoy their company without being raped. Why would one more guy propositioning a pretty girl tip her off that this one was a rapist? I should run in fear every time a guy lets me know he'd like to screw me? ************* 2. Guy takes you out for lots of drinks <---warning sign. Common method of getting raped is drugs and alcohol ************ This one too. Gone drinking with plenty of guy friends and made guy friends while out drinking. How would I distinguish a rapist at this point? Should women just stay out of bars and not make friends with guys? ************* 3. Guy is a jock <---warning sign. Most likely isnt in it for love. Wants sex. Is agressive and may force it. ********* This one is not valid at all. Jock does not = rapist ************ 4. Guy drives you far away to somewhere you have never been <----HUGE warning sign. Its like driving you out in the sticks! ********** Depends on how well I think I know him, but I can see where you're coming from depending on many different factors that I am not aware of. **************** 5. Guy then wants you to follow him to his place <---Warning sign. Walk away. ************* Same answer as your number 4 point ************* 6. Guy passes on more drinks for you <---Warning sign ********** Since guy hasn't threatened me, I don't see why I should be tipped off by this alone. He'd have to be acting creepy or I would already have to be uncomfortable. ************** 7. Guy gets hot and gropy and agressive and pulls your pants off <---Warning run for your life run out anywhere call cops shout for help do anything *************** This is where it becomes rape. And it is scary and you don't know if they might kill you are hurt you worse if you can't get away. Women are advised to co-opporate at this point. See? You had a ton of warning signs but you substantially increased the risks against you. ********** Your two somewhat decent points are largely dependent on her feeling threatened. A slimy guy who is used to taking women back to his home and either the girl changes her mind and wants sex or he "talks" them into it (hell maybe he KNOWS he is flat out forcing them and doesn't care) might not be acting shady. And an inexperienced girl who has already told him she's not interested in sex is going to think he already knows she said no and will respect that. She's never had anyone disprove that for her. The warning signs are always obvious after you know their consequence. ************ YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBILE for being raped. But you are responsibile for your own safety and to try and defend yourself and protect yourself. Obviously revealing clothes doesnt help the situation either. Her ability to face temptation was damaged against her will. Why then do you expect her will to be as strong as your's?
Author genki Posted December 2, 2007 Author Posted December 2, 2007 Ok sally I got your point. But even previous to the rape scene she chose her life. I had those same choices but I didnt do them. Please tell me. Would you jump in bed with a dope smoking loser and then even move in to his place when you know youll leave for back home within 3months only and that this guy isnt going to last? he cant even sleep with you unless he drinks and smokes dope for gods sake and he openly tells you your such and such a number for him. And why not just go back home? Why get involved with him just to be used and abused? Thing is others also wanted her but she refused them. She had choices and she chose him. Its not like he was the only 1 after her or that she jumped in everyones bed. Also she had no problems being around porn(which I think shows her character) and also had no issues being around places where people were screwing each other. And her pick of friends mostly sound like sluts and whores. By her own admission there were much better people she could have chosen.
Author genki Posted December 2, 2007 Author Posted December 2, 2007 1 other thing. Why does she demand my virginity for herself? Why wont she let me go clubbing or partying or dancing or drinking or making out or sleeping around? those are things she has done but wont let me do it. I dont get that and it doesnt seem fair. And sally theres propositioning and then theres being downright agressive cornering the girl into a corner of the doorway and being aggressive not just propositioning and this from a guy youve only met 3-4times in total? And all those warning signs too? I guess I also worry that if she thought that 2nd loser dopy was good enough for her then what am i? Her standards were so low? anything and anybody would suffice.
sally4sara Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 Man........ You cannot ask me these questions and get the answers you want. And fer crying out loud! I do not buy in to the whole "slut and whore" thing. Whores exist and they get paid for sex. But when you say whore - this word - I don't think it means what you think it means. We do not live the same path Genki. I can only tell you that being raised in the Baptist faith, I read the Bible completely. The stories have been tampered with alot, but some of the messages still come through. One of my favorites taught me that the creator didn't want the same things for everyone. We all have our big issue or internal struggle. For you, maybe it is keeping you virginity till marriage. Maybe it is learning to accept people who are different than you. Maybe it's both. I can only say that I never felt that sex (having it or not) was an issue between me and the creator. For example: Little Richard is a gay, gay, piano playing man. He is also a born again Christian. He feels so deeply that his God doesn't approve of him having sex with men, so he has chosen to be celibate. One of my good friends is also a gay, gay, fabulously dressed Latino gentleman. He is a born again Christian, very active in his church and it's community. Sings his praises as a soloist in their choir. He does not feel there is anything unresolved between his God and his relationship with his bf. Its just different for everyone and you're never going to be able to make choices for anyone but you. Trying to hold everyone up to your set of circumstances will never find you peace.
Author genki Posted December 2, 2007 Author Posted December 2, 2007 I thought I might ask you considering your a woman but anybody is welcome to provide some insight into it for me. Why does she demand my virginity for herself? Why wont she let me go clubbing or partying or dancing or drinking or making out or sleeping around? those are things she has done but wont let me do it. I dont get that and it doesnt seem fair. Given the same situation what would you do to the rapist? There is no way the law can or would do anything about it this late but you also know this happened and this scumbag is out there and your girl has and is paying for it (all the issues we have stem from him)? Your girl wants vengence what would you do? And her revelation about having moved in with the guy so quickly and yet again wanted to move in with me shows how unspecial I am. Sometimes I feel its just like Im another guy because shes repeating the same things with me.
sally4sara Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 I don't know why she is demanding anything from you. You don't have to give in to it. I only wonder why you WANT to go out and do these things when you say they are not part of who you are or what you believe in. My only guess is that after all the questioning and making her feel bad about her past actions, she feels you damn well better be able to stay up on your high horse. And as far as her wanting to move in with you being the same thing she did with someone else......well it's pretty much the same thing as you having to go out and find someone new to connect with if you give up with her. Should the next person you try to connect with and build towards a future with feel un-special because you've already attempted to do so with someone before them? She probably wants your virginity because you won't give it to someone unless you know you really love them and intend to spend the rest of your life with them. If you give it to her, that is what she think she stands to gain if you are true to your word. While she may regret her past choices, she (like everyone else) just wants to be truly loved. Now I'm sorry but it's really late and I am booked all day tomorrow with live sex shows with a donkey and two snakes. And someone might be nice to me and then I'll have to sleep with them too. Just teasing Genki.
Cobra_X30 Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 Please read my post again, Cobra. I asked him what would make him happy?? What does he need? What does he need his gf to do or say?? He won't acknowledge the questions. A simple "I dunno" at least would open up a new door.. I must agree with Sal.. he's been very crazed right out of the box.. I was referencing the tone you used. However I have now started following the thread more closely. I think you and I are now on the same page! Happily so, because I have a large amount of respect for you Tripper! Genki, This is the most well thought out explanation you've posted. Bravo! I will think on what you've said here. Your mention of traveling the distance for her touches me; this is something my partner and I have done for each other and I know the weight and the serious intent of doing this for someone. This is a much more reasonable side to you; you need to show it more. You rock socks! I think you can really provide better insight for Genki than anyone else! Again... I apologized if I offended you in any way!
Cobra_X30 Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 I thought I might ask you considering your a woman but anybody is welcome to provide some insight into it for me. Why does she demand my virginity for herself? Why wont she let me go clubbing or partying or dancing or drinking or making out or sleeping around? those are things she has done but wont let me do it. I dont get that and it doesnt seem fair. Given the same situation what would you do to the rapist? There is no way the law can or would do anything about it this late but you also know this happened and this scumbag is out there and your girl has and is paying for it (all the issues we have stem from him)? Your girl wants vengence what would you do? And her revelation about having moved in with the guy so quickly and yet again wanted to move in with me shows how unspecial I am. Sometimes I feel its just like Im another guy because shes repeating the same things with me. I believe that you and your GF share different views in regards to time in a relationship! She begins time from the point of you two beginning to date. You begin time at birth. Do you understand that difference? Thus she is not demanding your virginity... she is requesting your fidelity. Because you view the two as one in the same it feels to you as if this is unfair, while the rest of us see this as a normal demand. Genki... She does what she knows. How can you expect her to do things much different with you! She has never been taught different... so this is the only way she knows to get you to love her. I see signs that she is very susceptable to peer pressure! That should explain many of her past actions! Do you really need her to make you feel special?
Author genki Posted December 2, 2007 Author Posted December 2, 2007 Cobra: In her own words "its something very special and you have waited all this time and I should be the one to get it" and when I ask her how can she be such a hypocrite? having done all she had done and yet demand it of me she says "I know im a hypocrite and Im being selfish but I dont want you to lose it to somebody else!" Shes says it gives her value and meaning..funny....when she cant give me those. Even before her she wouldnt want me to have lost it to somebody else because she didnt like being no 11 or any other number to a guy. See if she was like any other girl then I wouldnt have been involved with her in the first place. She acted all nice and sweet and I believed in the person deep down and when I find out all her past the 2 images dont match and with all her lies tricks etc I feel cheated. Then she expects stuff of me she cant give me making her a hypocrite. Her parents had thought her better. They had taught her about viriginity etc. She knew right from wrong hence why she waited. Even then If im to believe her she knew all her drinking and making out was wrong but she wouldnt stop it. Yet again if im to believe her she knew she had no hope with the 2nd guy either and definately didnt see him as good material a loser drunk and dopy. Yet she kept doing all the bad stuff. What also gets to me is how indecent and immoral and lewd she was. If she had told me I would have walked away. I have seen that dorm apartment and its TINY and she aint the quite type yet she saw nothing wrong with it and also kept lying to her parents. They have no idea what shes done etc. And then her friends give her a vibrator which upon her return she used daily and had even ****ed the guy a few last times and wants me to think sex is important and something special to her? and she goes around porn etc? She has done EVERYTHING I HAVE STOOD AGAINST!!! And she doesnt want me to tell her parents. Why because it would break them and they might kick her out and not love her. Theyd be ashamed of her as a daughter. And to top it all of her history seems to be an interest in foreign guys and there are girls here called gaijin hunters and they have their fun and ways and then find some poor smuck and tie him down. Yes she is suspectible to peer pressure which agains makes it worse. All these changes etc is it from her heart and she means it or peer pressure? Is she changing to keep me or changed for her own sake and moment im out shes back to who she used to be? I had astronimcal peer pressure on me. ALl my friends ridiculing me for being so attractive big etc yet not having gotten laid. They ridiculed my ideas. They always made fun of me. Everybody around me went around sleeping wanking watching porn clubbing drinking to excess drugs etc yet I didnt. Girls would proposition me etc and nothing. Ultimately everything was her own choice. She could have chosen better friends like me or like me ignored their pressure and stood up for herself or at worst just went back home. She could have told those that ridiculed her to **** off. She could have stood her ground. She didnt need to be so needy and ignore the warning signs. She admits she met many decent people on campus that she could have been friends but like her group she thought they were lame because they wouldnt drink party like animals have fun etc. Now I happen to be one of those people and she wants me. Its like ok girl so you had all your fun and got it all out of your system and now your ready to settle down found some poor innocent smuck and trying to tie him down. At times I feel very sorry for her. I times I feel cheap and dirty and completely unspecial. At times I feel ok forgive her or try too but then I think whats the consequences of her actions? I lived my life well. Helped people. Stopped others from abusing women and others. Was generous etc. And I get this thrown my way. She was greedy. Self focused. Selfish. Easily peer pressured, had all her sordid fun etc and now she wants me. Wheres the consequence to her choices? nothing. not fair. Right now im very confused and its been driving me crazy. Ive been thinking about it nonstop for days and need strong pills just to go to sleep. At times I feel like shes been a slut had all her fun etc got it all out of her system and now wants the best(the same type she thought were lame) and on top cant give me anything cant really do anything(cooking cleaning stand on her own etc) that I should just dump her and walk away. Let her know theres a consequence to her actions that she just lost the love of her life, the only person on the face of this planet that knew her so well even better than her own parents. Then I think you know you love who she is now. She is a kind caring compassionate person and loves you dearly. Yes you stood by her and helped her to get there and helped her with her baggage and thought her and brought her back to who she was. You have no issues with who she is now and will be in the future. Then sometimes the images flash back into my head and it all goes hay wire and back into the negative. that im useless and meaningless. And if i give her the most cherished thing I have my virginity to her it would be a shag and I would regret it for the rest of my life and hate her for it. At that time she thought she loved that 2nd guy so her body would have anticipated and wanted him the same way. That im not the only one she loved, im not the only one shes said such BS too, im not the only 1 whose chest/shoulder area she loved to sleep on etc She does say she has never told anybody I LOVE YOU but stuff like awww so sweet I like you too etc. But can this be true? Im guessing not and shes lying again and maybe shes being technically and may have said DITTO or me too etc. arrggghhh
maria577 Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 Jenki, what is it about your girlfriend that haunts you specifically. The fact that she is not a virgin anymore or the fact that if you marry her she will do things to you that are against your beliefs such as giving you a BJ, watching porn, etc... Maria
sally4sara Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 You rock socks! I think you can really provide better insight for Genki than anyone else! Again... I apologized if I offended you in any way! Not a biggie Cobra. Its pretty hard for someone I haven't met to offend very much. Unfortunately its baby steps here. He was listening for a minute. Now he is back to putting her actions in his shoes rather than trying to put himself in her shoes. And also unfortunately, he cannot feel special without someone proving to him that he is. I guess he isn't as different from hig gf as he thinks he is. Now if he could just SEE that.......... Cooking? Cleaning? He better be able to do these things too! And the word slut! Its only use is to make women (not men) ashamed for enjoying sex. While he has held himself to a standard, he really seems to feel its more important for women to live that standard too. It doesn't seem to bother him AS MUCH if a guy hasn't lived that way.
Tripper Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 I was referencing the tone you used. However I have now started following the thread more closely. I think you and I are now on the same page! Happily so, because I have a large amount of respect for you Tripper! Understood, agreed and thank you, Cobra
Tripper Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 Yes she is suspectible to peer pressure which agains makes it worse. All these changes etc is it from her heart and she means it or peer pressure? Is she changing to keep me or changed for her own sake and moment im out shes back to who she used to be? I had astronimcal peer pressure on me. ALl my friends ridiculing me for being so attractive big etc yet not having gotten laid. They ridiculed my ideas. They always made fun of me. Everybody around me went around sleeping wanking watching porn clubbing drinking to excess drugs etc yet I didnt. Girls would proposition me etc and nothing. Ultimately everything was her own choice. Genki, as I read the posts you've written, if you are accurate in what you've said, I get the sense that your gf (BTW can we put a name to her, please???) has some self esteem issues. I mean prior to getting raped. The rape aggravated them. I say this because it seems like she hung around the wrong people and did the wrong things because it made her accepted by her peer group. Keeping in mind this was partnered by the freedom she had so far from home. Also, I'm guessing here, but if she acted the cool, bitchy type, again from poor self esteem, acting the "bad girl"type is not a far stretch. And of course she wouldn't tell her parents. She is truly ashamed and remorseful. Post rape, her self esteem would have plummeted setting off a whole rash of poor behaviour and promiscuity as a means of self punishment, acceptance etc. I'll admit I'm guessing as I'm not trained in human behaviour. I only have my learnings from my own therapy, from the plethora of self help books I've read and from 50++ years of living in different countries, cultures and situations. But I can tell you this, human behaviour is a very complex issue. No one can always tell you why they react the way they do. And not everyone has the strength or conviction to hold fast. Sometimes moral compasses get skewed or abandoned. Later they get found again. I'm not sure if any of the above makes sense to you. But I really think this is deeper than simply her past actions.
Author genki Posted December 2, 2007 Author Posted December 2, 2007 Sally: Ofcourse I do. Where have I said its ok for a man to be a male whore/pimp whatever and for a woman not to be? Im an example. If I thought it would be alright then I would have led the way. Its not alright for either party. I have nothing wrong against a man enjoying sex or a woman enjoying sex so long as IMO they have made the ultimate commitment that is marriage. And funny thing is yes I can do everything on my own from fixing cars to housework and cooking feasts and pumping out deserts and pastries and other stuff. Incomparison ....nothing.
Tripper Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 Its not alright for either party. I have nothing wrong against a man enjoying sex or a woman enjoying sex so long as IMO they have made the ultimate commitment that is marriage. Genki, you always come back to this point, so obviously this is one of your values. I've posted indepth ideas as to why your gf acted the way she did; maybe you don't want to acknowledge or don't understand. The first point is, did she act out of self esteem or other issues or is that her values?? The second point is if you don't believe that you share these same values, discounting her past mistakes, then I don't believe you can resolve this issue to your satisfaction and happiness. You don't need to compromise on your values to accept the fact that she is human, has erred and regretfully compromised her values.
Author genki Posted December 3, 2007 Author Posted December 3, 2007 Genki, you always come back to this point, so obviously this is one of your values. I've posted indepth ideas as to why your gf acted the way she did; maybe you don't want to acknowledge or don't understand. The first point is, did she act out of self esteem or other issues or is that her values?? The second point is if you don't believe that you share these same values, discounting her past mistakes, then I don't believe you can resolve this issue to your satisfaction and happiness. You don't need to compromise on your values to accept the fact that she is human, has erred and regretfully compromised her values. she was always a happy party girl and was drinking beforehand too (for good time). However she had waited for the right man. When it was forced out of her is when things went haywire and she seemed to suddenly change into this slut that I hate. But at the point I met her, her values had changed, she thought it was the norm to jump in a guys bed even though you cant trust him with your CC or personal info etc. She had changed herself and her values into something I really hated. Had she had 1 iota of self esteem and respect she wouldnt have done the things she did. But she also knew right from wrong and she knew the people she was making out with and she didnt sleep with everyone though many tried. She made choices. The dilemma Im having is how deep I am and how much i care for her. Had I know earlier without being misled and lied I would have walked. And I believe deep down some of those things can be explained by her rape experience but not all she made choices and she choose. Now Im finding parts of me for the first time that wants to forgive her and I really miss her and then parts of me that are disgusted, turned off and feel used and cheap and unspecial. Even for a second lets assume I forgive him but every time it comes to me wanting to be intimate with her and love her her past photos and images and visuals come in then what? I dont know if that will happen but it has happened so far I might be rock hard and then booom dead.
Author genki Posted December 3, 2007 Author Posted December 3, 2007 really am going crazy. have been thinking the whole day I should go and surprise her. At the very least to show her I care and that this isnt easy for me. I want to see her soooo much.
peridot Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 Genki, it's clear you are tormented by your thoughts. There have been some realy good posts from various people but your thoughts appear to keep comming back to the same issues. Your gf has done some things she regrets but this has clearly not been an easy path for her and she can't change any of this. The things she has done can be made sence of in terms of her experiences and the damage to self esteem etc. It really comes down to if you can move on from this and see her as she is now and live in the present. It is about being honest with yourself and if you can't do this you need to walk away from this relationship. This would be being true to yourself and your gf.
Tripper Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 But at the point I met her, her values had changed, she thought it was the norm to jump in a guys bed even though you cant trust him with your CC or personal info etc. She had changed herself and her values into something I really hated. Had she had 1 iota of self esteem and respect she wouldnt have done the things she did. But she also knew right from wrong and she knew the people she was making out with and she didnt sleep with everyone though many tried. She made choices. Yes, Genki, she made choices as we all do. Unfortunately she made the wrong choices as many of us do. Does this mean we need to pay for them for the rest of our lives?? Can we not learn from them and become a better person through our mistakes?? Values aren't simply changed that easily. I don't think she changed her values so much as questioned them. This is part of the process of becoming a fully formed adult. The dilemma Im having is how deep I am and how much i care for her. Now Im finding parts of me for the first time that wants to forgive her and I really miss her and then parts of me that are disgusted, turned off and feel used and cheap and unspecial. Even for a second lets assume I forgive him but every time it comes to me wanting to be intimate with her and love her her past photos and images and visuals come in then what? And this too is a part of maturing. The understanding and acceptance that humans are fallible. Read some of the other posts on LS; it will give you very good insight into all of this. Dealing with the "visuals", now that's not easy; I agree. You may need some proper therapy coupled with anti-depressant medication to help you stop obsessing on this issue. You may want to check with your doctor. Until you come to terms with the concept that you live in the present, enjoying each day one day at a time and that you can only affect what you will do in the future, you will not be able to let the past go. We will all carry good and bad memories but they don't really exist anymore, they are memories and we are not the same person we were at that point in time. Honestly, Genki, everyone here has tried to explain many of these things to you in different words. You now need to look deep inside you and to see if you have the capacity for understanding, forgiveness and acceptance. If you don't, then you need to leave this relationship permanently.
peridot Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 You have made some really good posts throughout this Tripper but I'm not sure that anti depressants will have any impact on his thinking. Genki appears to have some really deep issues here. I'm not sure he can get past these and whilst he can't both him and his gf will not be having the best of times. Genki it will be hard to let go but it may be the best for both of you. You may find relationship counselling helpfull. This is not about helping you stay together, it's about having help to look at the issues and what may be best for each of you, which could be being apart. I sincerely hope you find some peace from all this.
Tripper Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 You have made some really good posts throughout this Tripper but I'm not sure that anti depressants will have any impact on his thinking. Thanks peridot. It was just a thought from my own experiences. I lead a pretty balanced life but occasionally find when my "meds" are out of whack I then to obsess about certain things.
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