LifesontheUp Posted December 6, 2007 Share Posted December 6, 2007 Why are you not helping me and responding to each other? I am in despair. Sorry I've been away for a few days BSA. What you are going through is natural when your partner has had an affair they don't call it a rollercoaster for nothing. Its like your heart was ripped out, but you will survive it I promise. So is your wife showing remorse for what she did and are you in counselling yet? Do you have friends and family near that you can confide in too? I found it very comforting to receive support from my family and friends in addition to the counselling I got. You are early into this. Don't make any rush decisions as you may end up regretting a knee jerk reaction later on. If you are to get through this with your marriage intact, your wife needs to show you remorse and get to the bottom of why she did this. Just saying sorry and that it won't happen again just won't cut it. Its important that you take time for yourself. Try and do things that you enjoy. Try and eat and sleep as much as you can too. I feel for you as its hard I know, but you will survive, it just takes time. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted December 6, 2007 Share Posted December 6, 2007 Why are you not helping me and responding to each other? I am in despair. Hmmm... I thought that there was a lot of good info within that exchange. The point of it was consequences. So, my question to you... What are you going to do? Are you going to provide her some consequences or will you choose not to? Link to post Share on other sites
Author blindsidedagain Posted December 6, 2007 Author Share Posted December 6, 2007 What consequences did you have in mind? Sure, life has been difficult for her as well in the last 6 weeks. My anger is at a level that I have never experienced. What do you recommend as a consequence? Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted December 6, 2007 Share Posted December 6, 2007 What consequences did you have in mind? Sure, life has been difficult for her as well in the last 6 weeks. My anger is at a level that I have never experienced. What do you recommend as a consequence? Well, were our places switched... I'd throw the idea of reconciling out. I'd probably tell her that I want a divorce, and that then afterwards we could work on reconciling... that it would give us a fresh start... blah, blah, blah. I'd make sure the terms were favorable, then... I'd probably string her along as long as possible while I find someone better. However, I'm a super vindictive A-hole! You dont want to walk my path. You want to make this work. So your going to have to decide what you want out of her. So... what do you want to see from her? Thats the best place to start! Link to post Share on other sites
Author blindsidedagain Posted December 6, 2007 Author Share Posted December 6, 2007 Thanks for your help. I guess I would like her to keep telling me that she made the worst mistake of her life and to tell me several times daily how much she loves me. I don't expect her to do that forever, but she only talks about it when I bring it up. Her earlier excuse was that I was too angry to talk to. So in the last few days, I have been easier on her and did not bring it up. I rubber her back, drew her 2 baths, and took her out to eat last night. So, I wasn't visibly angry, and she did not bring it up. She is doing her best to please me sexually, and she did say she loved me last night, but I guess it's not enough for me now. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted December 6, 2007 Share Posted December 6, 2007 Thanks for your help. I guess I would like her to keep telling me that she made the worst mistake of her life and to tell me several times daily how much she loves me. I don't expect her to do that forever, but she only talks about it when I bring it up. Ok... You need to tell her that! Tell her that this is what you NEED! Not want! NEED! Also, make sure she knows that it isnt a forever thing. If you tell her what you need and she still wont do it... or gives you excuses... that should tell you how she feels about you deep down. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blindsidedagain Posted December 7, 2007 Author Share Posted December 7, 2007 I have been so torn up in the past 2 days. I can't stop thinking about it. It hurts more than I could have ever imagined. She admitted that she was the persuer of the affair. I also learned that he tried to terminate the affair, but she kept after him and resumed it. This active interest tears me up so much. I am shaking as I write this. I want to begin living normal, but it is so hard because I obsess over this and she is here. I can't eat, sleep, think, work, or do anything enjoyable. I am down to 145 lbs, and I was 165 lbs 6 weeks ago. I try to meet with friends, get out of the house, go to a shrink and so on, but unfortunately, this follows me wherever I go. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted December 7, 2007 Share Posted December 7, 2007 I have been so torn up in the past 2 days. I can't stop thinking about it. It hurts more than I could have ever imagined. She admitted that she was the persuer of the affair. I also learned that he tried to terminate the affair, but she kept after him and resumed it. This active interest tears me up so much. I am shaking as I write this. I want to begin living normal, but it is so hard because I obsess over this and she is here. I can't eat, sleep, think, work, or do anything enjoyable. I am down to 145 lbs, and I was 165 lbs 6 weeks ago. I try to meet with friends, get out of the house, go to a shrink and so on, but unfortunately, this follows me wherever I go. I feel for you, it is one hell of an emotional upheaval. You said you learned he tried to break it off. Did she volunteer this info? Link to post Share on other sites
Author blindsidedagain Posted December 7, 2007 Author Share Posted December 7, 2007 Yes, she offered this last night. Painful as it was to hear, I do respect that it appears that she is trying to be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted December 7, 2007 Share Posted December 7, 2007 Yes, she offered this last night. Painful as it was to hear, I do respect that it appears that she is trying to be honest. OK I just wondered. So have you given any thought to a PI or following her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author blindsidedagain Posted December 7, 2007 Author Share Posted December 7, 2007 No, but she said that it was over. She said that she no longer has feelings for him and that she only loves me. I did become suspicious the other night. It goes like this.... I was in NYC for 12 hrs, and did not tell her where I was going. When I came home at 8:30, she was not home. I called her girlfriend who said that she just left. Her girlfriend told me they ate pizza together. My cell died in the middle of my discussion with her girlfriend. I tried calling back, but it was busy and I left a message. She never called back. Maureen came home 1/2 hour later. I asked her if she ate, and she said no. I told her that her girlfriend told me they ate pizza. She replied with 'she didn't say that'. Anyway, this is not enough to hang her with, but I am suspicious. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted December 7, 2007 Share Posted December 7, 2007 No, but she said that it was over. She said that she no longer has feelings for him and that she only loves me. I did become suspicious the other night. It goes like this.... I was in NYC for 12 hrs, and did not tell her where I was going. When I came home at 8:30, she was not home. I called her girlfriend who said that she just left. Her girlfriend told me they ate pizza together. My cell died in the middle of my discussion with her girlfriend. I tried calling back, but it was busy and I left a message. She never called back. Maureen came home 1/2 hour later. I asked her if she ate, and she said no. I told her that her girlfriend told me they ate pizza. She replied with 'she didn't say that'. Anyway, this is not enough to hang her with, but I am suspicious. If she was the pursuer then I don't understand how she can switch those feelings for him off just like that. Her friend covered for her. You should consider a PI or following her. She is not doing anything to help put your mind at rest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blindsidedagain Posted December 7, 2007 Author Share Posted December 7, 2007 I said that to her. Specifically, I said that if she were willing to continue the affair, even after he tried to terminate it, she must have wanted it. Also, I became suspicious during the affair and I dropped her hints that I was onto something. For example, I noticed several months ago that the car seat was pushed back. She said that she was out to lunch with a friend. Assuming it was a man because she did not say the name, I told her not to go out to lunch with me because that is how affairs start. Now, after the affair, she told me that there was no 'deep love' feelings and that she did not plan on leaving me. She said that she loves only me, so what do I do with that. Something just hit me.....maybe she doesn't love him, and loves me but still wants the affair!!! Link to post Share on other sites
heftysmurf Posted December 7, 2007 Share Posted December 7, 2007 Is all I can say. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted December 7, 2007 Share Posted December 7, 2007 Now, after the affair, she told me that there was no 'deep love' feelings and that she did not plan on leaving me. She said that she loves only me, so what do I do with that. Something just hit me.....maybe she doesn't love him, and loves me but still wants the affair!!! I think you need to establish if its still going on. Either a PI, following yourself or a friend do it. She was getting something from the affair or she wouldn't have pursued when he tried to break it off. So has she even explained to you why she had an affair? Link to post Share on other sites
abeliever Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 BSA Hey, sorry I have been out of town. Just caught up on your story. You sound so emotional. I had to move out of my house. ( I did it for 4 months) It really helped me. (to a point) I turned myself inside out! But I did it away from him. In three months he was ready to stop and work on our M. I on the otherhand felt if he could stay away that long then we had no where to go. You see you have to let them go. I know it's scary and it makes you sick so you can't eat or sleep. ( I worked everyday thru this) But it came to a point that the messed up part was inside me. He really wasn't controlling anything but him. I controlled me. So I HAD let him and the situation go. Not saying it was easy (still not at times) but it was "necessary" or I was going to have to be committed. NO ONE WORTH THAT! You need the seperation. Ask her to move in with a friend (save $$) or you do it. I am thinking with all of this going on and your still not better. Maybe you should switch therapist? You need relief. Although everyone handles A's differently, I am worried about you. Bottom line is this. You can't be everywhere she is listening to every phone call or text. Truth is if she wants to continue the A there is nothing you can do about it. I know that hurts you as it did me. You are the only cure for what "your going thru". So just pull it together, let her do whatever it is she wants, if she comes back then you have a start. If not, well you tried everything and go on knowing you made the efforts to save your marriage but it truly takes two. I hope this helps. I am here if you need me. abeliever Link to post Share on other sites
Author blindsidedagain Posted December 9, 2007 Author Share Posted December 9, 2007 Let me hear the pros and cons of staying together vs splitting. For me, staying would be easier, not necessarily better. Would I be able to get over this and regain trust? Does this level of betrayal tell me the kind of person she is....or does it not define her......that it may have been many circumstances that led her to cheat. I would hate to try to put a huge level of emotional effort, only to be betrayed again once the dust settles. Now she would know that I would take her back if she were to do it again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blindsidedagain Posted December 10, 2007 Author Share Posted December 10, 2007 Don't people see the affair coming? Why don't they second guess themselves and ask 'is it worth it'. Surely, no affair is worth it. The pain afterwards is much worse than any possible joy during the affair. In my case, she had the benefit of wisdom. She had a one night stand 10 years ago, and it devastated me. We broke up for 2 months. How couln't she reflect on this when entering this affair? Is it simply that she expected not to get caught? Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Don't people see the affair coming? Why don't they second guess themselves and ask 'is it worth it'. Surely, no affair is worth it. The pain afterwards is much worse than any possible joy during the affair. In my case, she had the benefit of wisdom. She had a one night stand 10 years ago, and it devastated me. We broke up for 2 months. How couln't she reflect on this when entering this affair? Is it simply that she expected not to get caught? Well look at it like this. What happened the first time? You took her back. Yeah she hurt you... but I dont think that she really cares enough. So when the situation comes around again... she already knows how you will respond. Your going to "break up" for a period... be sad, be angry, then take her back. You may think I'm simplifying things... and yes I am. I'm distilling this down to its core element. She was and is sure that your not going to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
abeliever Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 BSA- Wow. I feel your pain loud and clear! I was there. (sometimes feel like I still am at times) Look, you can't ask us where you need to go and what you need to do. It's up to you as to what you CAN do and how you can ACCEPT what happened and go on? If you can't, then you have your answer. See the thing is this, she knows you and take advantage of what she knows. We are opposite. We don't understand how they get up each day and look themselves in the mirror without guilt? But trust me they do and do it well! How do they come home each day and act like nothing is going on while your riddling with pain that cannot be measured? I still think this even though I know my M is over. So I do know what your thinking. But bottom line is can you live with it and forgive and forget enough that it doesn't let you spit venom out of your mouth everyday? If the answer is no then you need to leave. This is the hardest thing to do. As I am living proof. I am still waiting for my house to sell. I know you too will have to seperate house, other assets etc. But hey, you can do it? It doesn't mean that if later down the road your lives should cross again and you both want to give it another try. Hey if that happens then great. But you need to do what is right for YOU. Forget about her, yes you care I get that. But you need peace and space for a while to really know how you feel. I am here for you. abeliever Link to post Share on other sites
heftysmurf Posted December 11, 2007 Share Posted December 11, 2007 You have wrote some of the most insightful posts I have seen. Just want to say thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
abeliever Posted December 11, 2007 Share Posted December 11, 2007 Why thank you Heftysmurf--- I really appreciate that! I hope I do help others here. I have been so fortunate to have found this site. I have posted this serveral times. If I had not found it this summer I would have beeen committed! I had no where to go and family and friends can only be told minimum. So here I can post all and not feel afraid. It is what has helped me most. BS- is my friend and he and I have talked on the phone. He knows me and my sincere concern for others. I hope to continue to help as much as I can. These last two days have been so bad for me emotionally. I came here within a few minutes I felt so much better! I am grateful to all of you. abeliever Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted December 11, 2007 Share Posted December 11, 2007 Why thank you Heftysmurf--- I really appreciate that! I hope I do help others here. I have been so fortunate to have found this site. I have posted this serveral times. If I had not found it this summer I would have beeen committed! I had no where to go and family and friends can only be told minimum. So here I can post all and not feel afraid. It is what has helped me most. BS- is my friend and he and I have talked on the phone. He knows me and my sincere concern for others. I hope to continue to help as much as I can. These last two days have been so bad for me emotionally. I came here within a few minutes I felt so much better! I am grateful to all of you. abeliever even little 'ol me? Link to post Share on other sites
abeliever Posted December 11, 2007 Share Posted December 11, 2007 SD- Sure now let me see what am I learning from you????? LOL J/K Sure even from you. abeliever Link to post Share on other sites
Author blindsidedagain Posted December 12, 2007 Author Share Posted December 12, 2007 Today, I am really on the fence. I just don't know if I should give it a chance. She is trying in her own way. She backs off when I get angry, and hasn't spoken much in the past 2 days. This angers me more. I told her that I need to hear her tell me that she loves me several times a day. Isn't it sad that I have to ask for it, and she still won't do it! She does sometimes, but only when I am pleasant. I told her weeks ago that I need complete honesty. know that she is looking in my email and loveshack when I am not around. This sneekyness is dishonest! She is checking that I am not hooking up with other woman, which I have not. However, I did look at multiple singles websites that she became aware of. To me, this doesn't matter. She should be honest, and come to me to ask if I am pursuing other woman! I need complete honesty! Will I ever get it! Can this work out? Link to post Share on other sites
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