Girlfriends Weight

[Starry-eyed]

 

On the other hand, there are those people who workout and keep in shape for THEMSELVES. Those who do it for themselves won't be affected by outside factors. They'll continue to workout and eat right no matter what. (that's me)

 

So true. That is where I want to be! I admire your ability to stay in shape for yourself and not how you think others perceive you.

 

(Sorry, I don't mean to thread hijack)

[tanbark813]

Nobody stays in shape for themselves. If you're stranded on a desert island for the rest of your life with no possible human interaction you're not going to exert as much effort into making sure your abs are toned.

[uniqueone]

Nobody stays in shape for themselves. If you're stranded on a desert island for the rest of your life with no possible human interaction you're not going to exert as much effort into making sure your abs are toned.

 

Oh yes I am! If you worked your butt off like I did to get where I am today, you're not going to let yourself lose it. Depends on your motivation.

[tanbark813]

Oh yes I am! If you worked your butt off like I did to get where I am today, you're not going to let yourself lose it. Depends on your motivation.

 

Blah blah blah.. If you were the only person on the planet the motivation wouldn't have been there to begin with.

[uniqueone]

Blah blah blah.. If you were the only person on the planet the motivation wouldn't have been there to begin with.

 

I guess to that extreme, then, you're right, because then there would be no media, no ideas of what looks good, etc.... That's taking it to the extreme though.

What I was referring to was whether or not I'm influenced by the circumstances going on in my life.

[Racquel Colette]

Your post caught my eye. Just so I understand - while dating him, you wanted to lose weight but just were not motivated. Then after he you break up (and he stops wining/dining you) there is suddenly more time for the gym and you are motivated to lose weight.

 

What about your relationship with him prevented you from losing weight before the breakup? Anything he could have done or said to motivate you back then?

 

No. I mean I think lots of women have that extra 10 or 20 they would like to lose. He had gained 30 pounds because of a rotator cuff surgery and had to stop running, and looked overweight (I did not), I still turned him on. there was no issue with my weight for him, and I still loved him after he had gained the weight and still found him sexually attractive.

Before the breakup, we were just happy with each other spending time with each other. As I said, I spent more time with him eating out and spending lots of time with him not going to the gym. He never once mentioned my weight, he was always attracted to me. Like I said, I still looked good, anyway. Did you have problems reading that part? I was still in a healthy weight range.

The working out was simply a new hobby, something to fill the time after the breakup.

He just did happen to see me 3 months later after I had lost 25 pounds and worked out, but he even said then that I had always been beautiful. So put that in your pipe and smoke it, dude. Oh, and we were together for 3 years, it wasn't a matter of him wining and dining me, I paid for a lot of it, too. We were in a serious relationship, so after a while you both start paying equally. You have absolutely no clue. We saw each other a lot on the weekends and some weeknights and we went out to eat a lot.

[Try2BeSupportive]

No. I mean I think lots of women have that extra 10 or 20 they would like to lose. He had gained 30 pounds because of a rotator cuff surgery and had to stop running, and looked overweight (I did not), I still turned him on. there was no issue with my weight for him, and I still loved him after he had gained the weight and still found him sexually attractive.

Before the breakup, we were just happy with each other spending time with each other. As I said, I spent more time with him eating out and spending lots of time with him not going to the gym. He never once mentioned my weight, he was always attracted to me. Like I said, I still looked good, anyway. Did you have problems reading that part? I was still in a healthy weight range.

The working out was simply a new hobby, something to fill the time after the breakup.

He just did happen to see me 3 months later after I had lost 25 pounds and worked out, but he even said then that I had always been beautiful. So put that in your pipe and smoke it, dude. Oh, and we were together for 3 years, it wasn't a matter of him wining and dining me, I paid for a lot of it, too. We were in a serious relationship, so after a while you both start paying equally. You have absolutely no clue. We saw each other a lot on the weekends and some weeknights and we went out to eat a lot.

 

Thank you for a reply. I was not trying to imply that you were unattractive before - so sorry if you read that into my post. Your story gives me some insight that I have not read on here before.

 

Could I ask if your relationship started at the +25 or -25 level? Because I would think it is outrageous for a guy (or girl) to say even a single word about their partner's weight if their weight changes by only 10 pounds during the relationship. On the other hand, if you were very fit when you started dating (3X per week at the gym), but then during the relationship you stopped working out and gained 25, well to me that is a different situation entirely. Not saying he is then justified in being critical, but I would really like to know in that situation - is there nothing the guy could say or do to motivate you (other than break up)?

[Try2BeSupportive]

All of us self-medicate one way or another at one time or another--your girlfriend uses food, others use alcohol,drugs, gambling, shopping, etc.

 

I am sorry to say, that your girlfriend probably won't do anything about it until she "hits rock bottom" ie a health crisis or the possibility of losing you.

 

The best that you can do is to continue to cook the healthiest foods that you can--make sure they are filled with veggies.

 

Good luck!!

You're the only man on here that I've seen who understands!

 

You are agreeing with the analogy that eating is like alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc?

Would you suggest that the spouse of an alcoholic is being selfish, shallow, and not meeting the emotional needs of their partner?

That they are in fact the cause of their partner's affliction?

[Art_Critic]

I don't think the OP ever said he was in love with his gf.

 

Actually he did say how much he loved his GF.. Here is a piece of his OP that mentions it...

 

Her family has a history of heart trouble and high cholesterol, but it still does not seem to impact her lifestyle. I love her very much, but I am struggling with being attracted to someone overweight like this.

[Mustang Sally]

Rooster -

First off, I didn't read all the other posts...judging by the way T2BS's thread went, and who all has already posted here, I can guess what they say.....

 

So, this is just my personal advice to you, after reading your original post, FWIW (which is worth about as much as it costs you!).

 

It really doesn't matter how tall she is, how old she is, what her UK size vs her US size is, how much she would weigh if you were on the moon, or if she is really overweight by BMI vs Dual X-ray absorptiometry or WHATEVER.

 

Please.

Who are we to judge what YOU find attractive vs unattractive?

We may have our opinions about you based on what you say, but at the end of the day: you like what you like and that's it.

 

If you are finding her unattractive, then it is a problem. Period. (And I personally think that your case is a bit different from T2BS's because you are in a dating R, as opposed to a long-term M, although I still feel the same about judging what someone is attracted to vs not.)

 

If I were you, I would try to tease out why she has these bad eating habits. Is it just poor nutritional choices? Is it depression? Something else entirely?

 

Take a look at her mother or other older female relatives of hers. Weight distribution during aging has a significant genetic component. Do you like what you see? Is it something that would be manageable? Or not? It sounds shallow, but it is the reality. Genetics can be overcome, to a degree, but not without some significant work and personal dedication.

 

If you are feeling unattracted to her, and this looks to be a probably life-long battle ahead, then I would really consider whether you want to be in it or not.

 

And I personally do not think we can fault you for whatever you decide.

 

Peace.

[uniqueone]

You are agreeing with the analogy that eating is like alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc?

Would you suggest that the spouse of an alcoholic is being selfish, shallow, and not meeting the emotional needs of their partner?

That they are in fact the cause of their partner's affliction?

 

It's like drugs, alcohol or gambling in that in some people, it's an addiction and/or they use it to escape their emotions.

 

Eating is slightly different however, because we HAVE to eat. We don't have to drink alcohol, take drugs or gamble. We can quit those entirely.

 

If the spouse of an alcoholic said that they wanted their partner to stop drinking because it made their spouses eyes look glassy and unattractive, I would say the same thing to them. I would tell that person to find out why their spouse drinks instead of being concerned about her glassy eyes. It would also lead me to believe that their spouse might drink because their husband acts like an oaf because he's not showing concern about her feelings.......only about her glassy eyes.

[Kasan]

You are agreeing with the analogy that eating is like alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc?

Would you suggest that the spouse of an alcoholic is being selfish, shallow, and not meeting the emotional needs of their partner?

That they are in fact the cause of their partner's affliction?

 

As a woman, from my own perspective, and from my own experiences, I am merely stating that self medicating takes on many forms, ie. binging, purging, drinking, drugs, and gambling. Are all of these true addictions--I dunno. Drinking and having a drug problem are known addictions and there is some information that obese people don't have a specific chemical in their brain that triggers a full response.

 

But I do know that not having your emotional needs met or not resolving past/present issues is the reason that people need to self medicate.

 

I see where you are going here--Try2BeSupportive, but in your case we are talking about your wife's twenty pound weight gain over ten years. You do appear to be selfish and shallow in your non-acceptance of this weight gain--which is your prerogative. I really wonder if you are having a Mid Life Crisis as there are many physical reasons why your wife put on twenty pounds. No way is your wife obese--she is a size 10/12 but you aren't able to accept this. She is self medicating, which was pointed out to you by myself and many others in your thread. So, I look to you--why has she started to self-medicate now? This was asked of you numerous times--this hasn't/wasn't a problem before, that is why we were so hard on you.

 

From what I understand from the OP--his girlfriend was bigger to begin with and is continuing to put on weight. She is probably obese which is quite different than someone putting on twenty pounds over ten years.

 

These are two separate issues--a history of being overweight (OP's girlfriend) and aging. (your wife)

[goxcrazy19]

its either you love her for who she is...or you dont..

take it or leave it...

its not good that you try to change the person..if you love her for who she is..not for how she looks ,than her weight shouldnt bother you...unless you see it starts to offect her..(high cholosterol..etc) than you should do something.

[hotgurl]

It's like drugs, alcohol or gambling in that in some people, it's an addiction and/or they use it to escape their emotions.

 

Eating is slightly different however, because we HAVE to eat. We don't have to drink alcohol, take drugs or gamble. We can quit those entirely.

 

my weight watcher leader always says she is in her 5th year of foodbriety.

 

It is a cute saying but kinda true. People who are very overwight often have no idea what it means to be full. because while they are full in thier stomach they are not full in thier heads.

[Rooster_DAR]

If you would not perform oral sex on her because of her gain of weight than I would think that you need to find another GF...

 

Nothings says I love You like " Your too fat for me to lick your clit "

 

All it shows me is that you don't love her.. I'm not saying that you are totally wrong in how you feel but you don't love her if the weight is a problem.

 

We are attracted to what we are attracted too.. nothing wrong with you being turned off by her.. but there is something wrong with you continuing to use her after you have figured out she isn't the one for you.

 

You mentioned that she was a bit over weight when you started dating.. well.. Where you expecting her to lose weight over time ?

 

History shows us that over time we have a tendency to gain weight.. I'll bet anything that you are heavier today that you were when you were her age.

My vote is that you breakup with her at this point.. gently..

She needs to be with someone who wants her for who she is and you need to be with someone that you are attracted too...

 

Sorry for the late replies:

 

Yeah I think you are right on, I'm just not sure how to go about it. I do love her, and when I think about her not being around anymore it really crushes me. I want to overlook these issues but somehow I cannot.

 

Thanks for reply,

[Rooster_DAR]

I'm also curious about what you mean when you say she was overweight and now is even more so.

 

Truth is, weight, especially your gf's weight is a tricky problem. There is no way to address it without hurting her feelings and pissing her off. If she is 22 and putting on weight so quickly that you can see her get bigger from month to month that is BAD. Is she on some sort of medication? Is she depressed?

 

She went into a bad depression when her first boyfriend dumped her and they were supposed to get married. She says he dumped her because she was getting too fat ironically.

[Rooster_DAR]

Rooster -

First off, I didn't read all the other posts...judging by the way T2BS's thread went, and who all has already posted here, I can guess what they say.....

 

So, this is just my personal advice to you, after reading your original post, FWIW (which is worth about as much as it costs you!).

 

It really doesn't matter how tall she is, how old she is, what her UK size vs her US size is, how much she would weigh if you were on the moon, or if she is really overweight by BMI vs Dual X-ray absorptiometry or WHATEVER.

 

Please.

Who are we to judge what YOU find attractive vs unattractive?

We may have our opinions about you based on what you say, but at the end of the day: you like what you like and that's it.

 

If you are finding her unattractive, then it is a problem. Period. (And I personally think that your case is a bit different from T2BS's because you are in a dating R, as opposed to a long-term M, although I still feel the same about judging what someone is attracted to vs not.)

 

If I were you, I would try to tease out why she has these bad eating habits. Is it just poor nutritional choices? Is it depression? Something else entirely?

 

Take a look at her mother or other older female relatives of hers. Weight distribution during aging has a significant genetic component. Do you like what you see? Is it something that would be manageable? Or not? It sounds shallow, but it is the reality. Genetics can be overcome, to a degree, but not without some significant work and personal dedication.

 

If you are feeling unattracted to her, and this looks to be a probably life-long battle ahead, then I would really consider whether you want to be in it or not.

 

And I personally do not think we can fault you for whatever you decide.

 

Peace.

 

Excellent observation!

 

I agree with all of your opinions, and I need to make a decision. I just don't like hurting people, it' kinda hurts me back when that happens. I feel like she is my best friend more than anything, and I know if we were to part it would be mildly painful for me and horribly painful for her. She it totally in love with me, it shows in everything she does. Honestly, I have not seen many women do things for their man like she does, she is extremely sweet and generous. I guess I'm partly to blame for being unsure the whole time, perhaps I should not have let things progress this far.

 

Besides, I still am not totally over what happened to me a while back, that's pretty much what landed me on LS to begin with. I promised myself I was going to remain single for at the very minimum one year, but I didn't quite meet that goal before I started dating her.

 

Thanks for reply!

[Racquel Colette]

Thank you for a reply. I was not trying to imply that you were unattractive before - so sorry if you read that into my post. Your story gives me some insight that I have not read on here before.

 

Could I ask if your relationship started at the +25 or -25 level? Because I would think it is outrageous for a guy (or girl) to say even a single word about their partner's weight if their weight changes by only 10 pounds during the relationship. On the other hand, if you were very fit when you started dating (3X per week at the gym), but then during the relationship you stopped working out and gained 25, well to me that is a different situation entirely. Not saying he is then justified in being critical, but I would really like to know in that situation - is there nothing the guy could say or do to motivate you (other than break up)?

 

No, I would not be with a man who had this thought process. I stayed with him when he went from 160 to 190 and got a much bigger gut (He was 5'8", so yes, he went from a fit runner to overweight.) I still was attracted to him and still loved him to death. I gained probably 8 pounds during our relationship. The weight issue had nothing to do with our breakup. It was another issue completely.

A man could not tell me or hint to me to lose weight, it simply wouldn't motivate me and would make me want to leave the relationship and find a man who loved me as I was and loved my mind and soul. I would not want to be with a man who would do that.

If a man said "We should try kickboxing, that would be fun." I would see that as only a fun activity. I already like to hike.

[Rooster_DAR]

No, I would not be with a man who had this thought process. I stayed with him when he went from 160 to 190 and got a much bigger gut (He was 5'8", so yes, he went from a fit runner to overweight.) I still was attracted to him and still loved him to death. I gained probably 8 pounds during our relationship. The weight issue had nothing to do with our breakup. It was another issue completely.

A man could not tell me or hint to me to lose weight, it simply wouldn't motivate me and would make me want to leave the relationship and find a man who loved me as I was and loved my mind and soul. I would not want to be with a man who would do that.

If a man said "We should try kickboxing, that would be fun." I would see that as only a fun activity. I already like to hike.

 

I would think this depends on how long the relationship had been going on, in my case it's still very new.

 

Thanks,

[Racquel Colette]

I would think this depends on how long the relationship had been going on, in my case it's still very new.

 

Thanks,

 

No, it really depends on if you value and love a person or their body only.

[luvmy2ns]

Oh, yeah, I'm sure there's lots of loving and valuing going on if a person "snags" a man (or woman) and then starts chewing their way toward a 50 lb. (or more) weight gain. Why can't we be expected to portray a reasonable inside and outside? That which was portrayed at the onset of a relationship?

[uniqueone]

Why can't we be expected to portray a reasonable inside and outside? That which was portrayed at the onset of a relationship?

 

Please come back in 30 years and read this.

[luvmy2ns]

Please come back in 30 years and read this.

 

Ummmm.... I'm 48, have three kids, and am fully aware of the effects of time. We're talking weight. Not time. And from what the OP said, this gal has put on a LOT of weight on a very SHORT period of time. All this explaining the obvious gives me a headache.

[uniqueone]

All this explaining the obvious gives me a headache.

 

Complex discussions can have that effect on some people.

[luvmy2ns]

Complex discussions can have that effect on some people.

 

No, it's those that drone on and on and on with no complexity whatsoever, with one having to repeat oneself over and over and over and...