Girlfriends Weight

[Rooster_DAR]

Related thread from Try2BeSupportive topic about overweight wife

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t133074/

 

 

I have been with my GF for around 10 months now and her weight gain is getting worse. I feel terrible even bringing it up, but should I just keep it to myself when it's really bothering me? When I met here she was overweight, but proportionate but still very attractive to me. She has been steadily gaining weight every month and not only is it affecting me, she is starting to see physical side effects from this.

 

We had a falling out the other night because she was offended that I would not perform orally on her. She immediately stated that I didn't want to do this because she was fat, and that I was being shallow. Of course, I felt terribly guilty and shallow because what she stated was quite true. She is 22 years old, so her age is not the issue. She constantly eats and she is always eating sweets such as ice cream and candy snacks. I have been taking her to healthier restaurants and cooking food for her, but when I'm not around she is always snacking.

 

We sat down and discussed it, and many times she has told me to just keep on her about it. She says she cannot stop eating snacks and deserts, it's like quitting smoking cold turkey and nearly impossible. I have been patient for many months, but she is getting worse even when I have been encouraging. Her family has a history of heart trouble and high cholesterol, but it still does not seem to impact her lifestyle. I love her very much, but I am struggling with being attracted to someone overweight like this.

 

Not sure what to do!

 

Regards,

[Star Gazer]

What exactly is overweight in your eyes? How tall is she, and what size does she wear?

[Kamille]

Related thread from Try2BeSupportive topic about overweight wife

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t133074/

 

 

We sat down and discussed it, and many times she has told me to just keep on her about it. She says she cannot stop eating snacks and deserts, it's like quitting smoking cold turkey and nearly impossible. I have been patient for many months, but she is getting worse even when I have been encouraging. Her family has a history of heart trouble and high cholesterol, but it still does not seem to impact her lifestyle. I love her very much, but I am struggling with being attracted to someone overweight like this.

 

Not sure what to do!

 

Regards,

 

Clearly, she never tried to quit smoking. I found changing my eating habits to be a lot easier, and a lot more rewarding, then quitting smoking. The fact is, when I started replacing fat, processed snacks with healthier ones, I eventually found the unhealthy options to be blend and tasteless.

 

One theory of weight control I believe in states that what we need in today's society is to learn to listen to our bodies. One of the ways to acheive this is to pay attention to how certain foods makes us feel after we eat them. I always feel much more energetic after eating an apple then after eating a candy bar.

 

I'm a snacker and what I get is that your gf is also one. Here are some of my favorite snack substitutes:

 

Sweet:

dried fruits (my favorites are unsweetned dried mango and dried cherries)

a few squares of dark chocolate

fruits

yogurt (and not the lowfat kind, those are loaded with chemicals).

toast with jam and peanut butter

cereal

frozen yogurt, sorbet or soygurt (instead of ice cream).

 

 

Salty:

toast with a good sharp cheddar

tamari roasted almonds

almonds

wasabi almonds

(i love almonds)

triscuits

Pita and hummus

carrots and hummus

 

The point of these food choices is not that they be low in fat, but that they have better nutrional value then most mainstream snacks, hence curbing further cravings for sugar and fat.

 

And I have to say, it's good that you two are able to communicate about this.

[uniqueone]

What shape are you in? Not saying you're overweight at all, but from your picture, you don't look particularly lean to me. I'm just trying to get an idea of what standards we're dealing with here. Is she allowed to be your size? Is she bigger than you? Are you wanting someone petite?

 

The fact that she binges on sweets says emotional eater to me (again like the other thread about the guys' wife). It's one thing if a person just overeats at regular meals. It's another if they binge on certain foods or late at night, etc....

 

Bingeing on sweets acts as an anti-depressant. Sounds to me like she's self-medicating. The sugar high that she gets numbs her feelings. It's literally like a drug.

 

Once again, this isn't a matter of food....it's an emotional problem and she needs to find out what that is. Going on a diet isn't going to fix it.

 

Forgot to add this...

 

She tells you to keep on her about it.....BAD IDEA. It has to come from her and her only. Not only that, if you keep on her about it, it'll make you the bad guy. You can be supportive, but it's up to her to do something. She's trying to put you in charge of it and it doesn't work that way.

 

And she doesn't have to quit cold turkey. Can she not replace the sweets with low fat, low cal ones? Diet soda, low cal ice cream, et.....

[Mr. Lucky]

We sat down and discussed it, and many times she has told me to just keep on her about it. She says she cannot stop eating snacks and deserts, it's like quitting smoking cold turkey and nearly impossible. I have been patient for many months, but she is getting worse even when I have been encouraging. Her family has a history of heart trouble and high cholesterol, but it still does not seem to impact her lifestyle. I love her very much, but I am struggling with being attracted to someone overweight like this.

 

Not sure what to do!

 

Regards,

As I'm sure you saw in the other thread, get ready for a whole range of responses. I'll just say that weight and fitness are one part of our physical attraction to another person. It might help put this discussion in perspective if you answer the previous poster's question about her size and weight...

 

Mr. Lucky

[PWSX3]

I feel it all comes down to self esteem in both situations & including my w & her weight.

There is more to it then just the weight & like someone else said; people use food to make themselves happy.

 

I can only look at my own situation & my W being over weight (5'3" 260LBS) to come to this conclusion. Since I do most of the cooking now I try & cook healthier things but most of them she doesn't like or she won't try them.

 

I bought some protein sublimate stuff for her to try because a gal at my work is overweight & was having some of the same troubles as my W but she won't even try it.

She will eat crackers at 8:00 while she is reading a book & doesn't even notice how many or how much she is eating so I also see it as being a habit.

 

Like I said food is a good friend, it makes you happy when you are down and it is REALLY easy to put on the calories without even knowing it.

 

I would love to set down & talk with my W but the few times I have she says I'm controlling her, I'm in her business & so did our MC so I just let it be. She doesn't understand I am worried about her health because I like a woman with a little extra meat on them.

 

You are in a tough situation & I really don't think there is any answer or anything you can do about it. Really sucks when you are trying to help someone & they don't want it.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Not sure what to do!

 

Just dump her.

 

She is not going to lose weight, and if she does it'll probably be temporary because of her habits and propensity to gain weight.

 

And you are simply not attracted. What can you do, if you are turned off you are turned off.

 

Ariadne

[uniqueone]

 

 

 

I would love to set down & talk with my W but the few times I have she says I'm controlling her, I'm in her business & so did our MC so I just let it be. She doesn't understand I am worried about her health because I like a woman with a little extra meat on them.

 

 

I've said it before but I'll try one last time.....you need to sit down with her and ask her what's bothering her...not about her weight or her eating.

 

And when you ask her what's bothering her (and she might not tell you right away either), you can't do it as a means to an ends. If she knows you're only asking her that because of the weight issue, then she'll resent it. (aka she'll feel like you're controlling her)

 

It's sort of along the same lines of the husband who's affectionate with his wife...only when he wants sex. She starts to resent the affection because she knows it's a means to an end and she feels controlled and manipulated.

 

You have to truly want to know what's "eating" her inside without regards to your need of a slim body. You have to set aside your immediate goal.

It takes a lot of strength and selflessness to do that.

[Mr. Lucky]

I've said it before but I'll try one last time.....you need to sit down with her and ask her what's bothering her...not about her weight or her eating.

What if what is bothering her is that her husband isn't attracted to her because she weighs 260 lbs ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[lawgalkv]

Being healthy is always easier when you have a partner to lean on. If you make it a goal for both of you to be healthy together, she'll have someone to lean on when she wants to have that dessert. You'll be doing something good for not only both of your bodies, but also your relationship...

[Kasan]

Related thread from Try2BeSupportive topic about overweight wife

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t133074/We sat down and discussed it, and many times she has told me to just keep on her about it. She says she cannot stop eating snacks and deserts, it's like quitting smoking cold turkey and nearly impossible. I have been patient for many months, but she is getting worse even when I have been encouraging. Her family has a history of heart trouble and high cholesterol, but it still does not seem to impact her lifestyle. I love her very much, but I am struggling with being attracted to someone overweight like this.

 

Not sure what to do!

 

Regards,

 

Your situation is much more different than Try2BeSupportives--he was fixated on his wife's twenty pound weight gain over 10 years.

 

Losing weight is harder than quitting smoking as I have done both. Why is it harder--you have to eat.

 

Your girlfriend says that she can't stop eating snacks and desserts--so if you live together don't have them in the house.

 

What I really like for a snack are the 100 calorie cookies. There are enough in the package to make you feel like you are eating something sweet. I also limit my snacks to 100 calories.

 

The psychology of obesity is extremely complex and not just a simple matter of eating less calories--you need to get at what is driving her to literally "stuff her feelings"--and I am sure she probably doesn't know, nor is this something that you can figure out with her.

 

All of us self-medicate one way or another at one time or another--your girlfriend uses food, others use alcohol,drugs, gambling, shopping, etc.

 

I am sorry to say, that your girlfriend probably won't do anything about it until she "hits rock bottom" ie a health crisis or the possibility of losing you.

 

The best that you can do is to continue to cook the healthiest foods that you can--make sure they are filled with veggies.

 

Good luck!!

[Art_Critic]

If you would not perform oral sex on her because of her gain of weight than I would think that you need to find another GF...

 

Nothings says I love You like " Your too fat for me to lick your clit "

 

All it shows me is that you don't love her.. I'm not saying that you are totally wrong in how you feel but you don't love her if the weight is a problem.

 

We are attracted to what we are attracted too.. nothing wrong with you being turned off by her.. but there is something wrong with you continuing to use her after you have figured out she isn't the one for you.

 

You mentioned that she was a bit over weight when you started dating.. well.. Where you expecting her to lose weight over time ?

 

History shows us that over time we have a tendency to gain weight.. I'll bet anything that you are heavier today that you were when you were her age.

My vote is that you breakup with her at this point.. gently..

She needs to be with someone who wants her for who she is and you need to be with someone that you are attracted too...

[jtalia]

I was the overweight one in my relationship. My H never said a word to me about it. I had to make up my mind that I was unhappy with how I looked and felt.

 

I have a friend whos wife is overweight and he is constantly on her case about it. She eats more just to spite him.

 

I think that if I was in that situation again, I would be more receptive to having someone sit me down and talk about how it bothers them. I would offer to her that you will start exercising with her. Start by going on walks, etc. She may be more motivated if someone is "dieting" with her.

[allina]

I'm also curious about what you mean when you say she was overweight and now is even more so.

 

Truth is, weight, especially your gf's weight is a tricky problem. There is no way to address it without hurting her feelings and pissing her off. If she is 22 and putting on weight so quickly that you can see her get bigger from month to month that is BAD. Is she on some sort of medication? Is she depressed?

[uniqueone]

The psychology of obesity is extremely complex and not just a simple matter of eating less calories--you need to get at what is driving her to literally "stuff her feelings"--and I am sure she probably doesn't know, nor is this something that you can figure out with her.

 

All of us self-medicate one way or another at one time or another--your girlfriend uses food, others use alcohol,drugs, gambling, shopping, etc.

 

I am sorry to say, that your girlfriend probably won't do anything about it until she "hits rock bottom" ie a health crisis or the possibility of losing you.

 

 

You're the only man on here that I've seen who understands!

[uniqueone]

If you would not perform oral sex on her because of her gain of weight than I would think that you need to find another GF...

 

Nothings says I love You like " Your too fat for me to lick your clit "

 

 

I was thinking the same thing too when I read it, Art. Basically he's saying he's disgusted with her. That just doesn't spell "l-o-v-e" to me, you know?

 

And (before anyone chimes in), I'm not saying that he SHOULD like having oral sex with a fat woman, but if you're in a relationship that involves disgust, then I think it's time to lower the curtain.

[allina]

I was thinking the same thing too when I read it, Art. Basically he's saying he's disgusted with her. That just doesn't spell "l-o-v-e" to me, you know?

 

And (before anyone chimes in), I'm not saying that he SHOULD like having oral sex with a fat woman, but if you're in a relationship that involves disgust, then I think it's time to lower the curtain.

 

I don't think the OP ever said he was in love with his gf. And sorry but I could sort of see how going down on a very overweight woman would be unpleasant/difficult.

[Racquel Colette]

I don't agree that she is destined to never lose weight and keep it off. I lost 25 pounds a year ago and have kept it off as a size 6 (age 39). I became motivated after I broke up with my boyfriend. I had more time to go to the gym since I wasn't spending evenings with him, and I wasn't going out to eat as much....

so, you will probably be doing her a favor if you break up with her.

I am also curious, just how overweight is this woman? Because I was 150 before I lost the 25 pounds, at 5' 7 1/2 inches, and I was by no means overweight before I lost the weight. I was still in the healthy weight range and a size 10, so I still looked pretty darned good, even before I lost the weight. I just looked better after i lost it, especially from the weight training, which I continue doing.

So...I say dump her. The breakup diet was the best ever for me. My ex saw me and his jaw dropped....let her find someone better then!

[Try2BeSupportive]

I became motivated after I broke up with my boyfriend. I had more time to go to the gym since I wasn't spending evenings with him, and I wasn't going out to eat as much....

 

Your post caught my eye. Just so I understand - while dating him, you wanted to lose weight but just were not motivated. Then after he you break up (and he stops wining/dining you) there is suddenly more time for the gym and you are motivated to lose weight.

 

What about your relationship with him prevented you from losing weight before the breakup? Anything he could have done or said to motivate you back then?

[uniqueone]

I don't think the OP ever said he was in love with his gf. And sorry but I could sort of see how going down on a very overweight woman would be unpleasant/difficult.

 

The argument isn't whether it's pleasant or not. This probably wont make it any clearer but I'm going to put it another way.

 

If I was fat and my b/f wouldn't give me oral because he was too disgusted with me to do that. Then.....if I lost weight after that, I wouldn't want him to give me oral sex...even though he wanted to then.

 

Tha't's all I'll say. You can figure it out from there.

[uniqueone]

Your post caught my eye. Just so I understand - while dating him, you wanted to lose weight but just were not motivated. Then after he you break up (and he stops wining/dining you) there is suddenly more time for the gym and you are motivated to lose weight.

 

What about your relationship with him prevented you from losing weight before the breakup? Anything he could have done or said to motivate you back then?

 

 

Actually, it's fairly common for women to gain weight while in a relationship. It takes time to work out and instead they're spending time seeing their BF's and often eating out. I've seen many women gain weight after getting into a relationship.

 

Another reason is that some women (and men) don't try as hard to stay in shape once they "have" someone. It's when they're trying to "catch" them, that they keep in shape.

 

On the other hand, there are those people who workout and keep in shape for THEMSELVES. Those who do it for themselves won't be affected by outside factors. They'll continue to workout and eat right no matter what. (that's me)

[allina]

The argument isn't whether it's pleasant or not. This probably wont make it any clearer but I'm going to put it another way.

 

If I was fat and my b/f wouldn't give me oral because he was too disgusted with me to do that. Then.....if I lost weight after that, I wouldn't want him to give me oral sex...even though he wanted to then.

 

Tha't's all I'll say. You can figure it out from there.

 

Please don't attempt to talk down to me. I didn't say I didn't understand your point, just that my view point was different.

[Lizzie60]

I say... get another gf... I don't think she will ever stop her snacking.. if you already talked to her and nothing stopped.. she will only gain more and more... IMO.

 

I have no patience with people who do not take care of themselves (smokers, overweight, drugs...)

[uniqueone]

Please don't attempt to talk down to me. I didn't say I didn't understand your point, just that my view point was different.

 

It wasn't meant to be talking down to you. I just didn't feel like going into further detail so I hoped that my example was clear.

[Starry-eyed]

I love her very much, but I am struggling with being attracted to someone overweight like this.

 

Not sure what to do!

 

Regards,

 

Rooster, it seems like you have two options:

 

1. Support her while she works out her inner issues, whatever is causing her to steadily gain weight. It sounds like she's putting on extra weight continuously and that is either a serious emotional or medical issue. This, of course, hinges on her willingness to work on herself.

 

2. Break up with her because you aren't attracted to an obese person. There is nothing wrong with not being physically desirious of someone who is obese (IMO anyway). Life is too short for both of you to be in unsatisfactory relationships.