i am so close to just being done with my teen

[precious1357]

I swear , I dont think i can take much more from my teen . he doesnt do drugs nor is he in a gang or anything like that but he is an utter irritant ! i cant even put it into words . this is not regular teen behavior . I am soo fed up !

 

it is hard to describe you have to be here daily to see what my teen does , I mean it is hard to handle . he does annoying things just to be annoying and that sounds like typical teen behavior but it isnt trust me. I describe it as causing me mental anguish , i feel like he is abusing me emotionally .

 

TRUST ME, MY 18 YEAR OLD SON IS THE SAME...I'VE ALMOST HAD IT...I AM TRYING BY BEST TO BE PATIENT BECAUSE I KNOW HE IS GOING THROUGH A PHASE, TEENAGER TO YOUNG ADULT, BUT ITS EXASPERATING!

[precious1357]

ok, Ive read all the posts on here and I know that some of this will seem like Im just repeating, but I'd like to put my 2 cents in!

I am 23 years old. I was a terrible, rotten teenager! It was just my mom and I and she was working full time and going to school full time. SO she had a lot going on, and not a whole lot of time for me...... We went from a decent sized house to a townhouse and that drove me insane. I also punched walls, but my "unacceptable behavior" was that I threw things. Lots of things. into breakable things.... My feeling is that obviously as a hormone raged teenager, he is taking out his anger the only way he knows how to. Remember, negative attention is still better than no attention to a child. Getting angry and frustrated with him is not going to help. Fortunately my mother was majoring in psychology at the time, and I became her guinea pig. She took a child development course just to try new things with me!! Here are some things that she did with me, that you might consider trying.

One, because he is 17 he does not want to be talked to or treated like a child. Remember, he knows everything...... talk to him like an adult.

Two, we did not have a lot of money, so my mom couldnt afford to buy me luxury things. Such as a car. A car is SUCH a sense of freedom to a 17 year old. My mother told me that If i got a part time job whatever money I earned and saved she would "match" so that when I had a couple thousand dollars and it was then doubled. I got my first car. It was just an '87 Camry, but it was MINE. I then had to pay for the oil changes, the gas, etc. That meant that i needed to KEEP my job to continue paying for it. It gave me a sense of accomplishment and responsibility. Same with a cell phone. ( they werent that common then though!) If there is a specific one that he wants, he needs to earn half the money for it.

Three, when he tells you that he wants to go for a walk and its 8 oclock at night. Let him go. Hes 17. I was infamous for storming out of the house. I just needed some time to myself, and because my room was in my mothers house, that didnt help me. When I got my car I would literally say "Im going for a drive" and leave. I was always back within 20-30 minutes and I was much calmer. It was easier for me to talk.

Better yet, if he wants to walk and hes not screaming angry say to him "You know, its a nice night out, do you mind if i join you?" and then while you are walking, dont try to push a conversation on him. Let him talk if he wants to, but if he doesnt, just let him be. Sometimes someone standing next to you and just walking with you and not talking feels better than thinking you might get lectured in the next few sentences.

And Four- about college. going to a 2 year college is a very good idea. Its smaller (smaller classes), and there is less pressure. Remind him that when you go to a 2 year college you dont have to decide right away what you want to do with the rest of your life. Its time to explore. I'm not sure what state you live in, but here in Florida when you graduate from a 2 year college you are automatically accepted to a university. That takes immense pressure off of people who are indimidated about getting into a 4 year college.

Your son just needs to feel loved without feeling lectured, smothered, or controlled. Dont lose your cool around him, dont yell. I understand that in your house punching holes in walls is not acceptable. I can totally understand that. How about trying a different route. Christmas is coming. Consider buying him a punching bag?? I think that that would help. He could get out his frustration, its relatively quiet, and no holes in the wall!

 

Thanks for this advice. My son is 18 and driving me nuts!!!

[cicada]

Thank you, Kobe. You know, there's no substitute for a clear perspective.

And from my perspective, I've gone back and reviewed your threads and counted up the number of times I've responded to them. The number was 20. Some were short responses, some were long. And I figure if I spent on average of 20 minutes apiece.. I used up something on the order of 400 minutes of my life. Time I will never use for anything else except sharing a thought with Kobe. Hmmmm....

 

I took you to be a woman who was a bit overwhelmed by her situation, but otherwise a decent enough person, one who'd been challenged by circumstances. But it turns out that the very first time, in TWENTY posts that I asked you a hard question or offered any criticism... you went to back-biting like a rabid animal.

 

Maybe that's indicative of your personality. If so, well... that might go a long way toward explaining why you're having problems in your family life.

Or maybe you're just having yet another bad day. Who knows? With my new perspective, I have to admit... I don't much care.

 

Anyway, that's the last thought I have time to share with you... here in my 21st post. Good luck with yourself.

 

 

 

(*Note to self... get crystal ball polished. )

 

wow .... how much does she owe you ladyjane ? lol ! why would you count the hours? lol ... well don't worry Kobe ~ the kids do grow up eventually . hang in there!

[InferiorityComplex]

I just want to say to the OP that you are lucky that he is not a girl. Because trust me...if he was he'd make this alot more personal and hard on you. I know this because I'm only 19.

 

I still fight with my mom on a day to day basis. And yes...I openly admit that I hate my mom with a fiery passion, and while I think death sucks for those that care...I don't care about her.

 

My mother did exactly what you are doing, imposing curfews and rules to live by. And I'm not saying that rules aren't important...they very much are and I am shocked to see what is becoming of children now...but the line needs to be drawn.

 

My mom made me be in my room by 10pm. I had a tv, a computer...pretty much all I needed. But it wasn't enough. If she was going to treat me like I was still a little kid when I was 17, then I would make sure she remembered who she was dealing with. So yes, I would defy the rules on purpose. Why? because they were set for me...and unnecessarily so. Any time I got mad I would scream and yell at her, and then I would walk out of the house. I would disappear for ::shrugs:: a couple hours, hanging out at a park and not answering my cell phone calls.

 

She'd call the police because she didn't know where I was. Did I care? No, I didn't. The only thing about this situation that I can see is really different, is that when my mom got mad at me, she would beat the living tar out of me. She would kick me in the stomach, or kick me while I was down. This is wrong, I didn't deserve it.

 

I was a rebellious kid, not a bad kid. I never once cussed at my mother out of respect, I went to school and never ditched. I didn't have bad friends...in fact I had no friends because they all hated my mom. I wasn't in a gang...I didn't do drugs. I was an otherwise quite girl that would rather sit in my bedroom crocheting a scarf that I would never wear than go to a party or anything.

 

So don't think that you have it that bad....just like your son knows that he doesn't have it that bad. If he thought so he wouldn't still live there. Everyone says it gets better when you move out. Well in my case, yes that's true. My mother stopped being the boss of me....and started beating on my little sister. So yes I took a stand...and the next time I find out about it I will report her to the cops with no qualms about it at all.

 

But I think what you are doing in controlling him is all wrong...he does NOT need a mother any more. Every teacher he has ever had and will have in school assumes that position, he doesn't need to come home to you and hear it.

 

Heed these words....it could be so much worse....and it will get worse if you think you actually have it that bad....He'll make sure of it.

[Kenyth]

The best way to treat unmanageable rebellion in kids is to let them go and cut off the support line. They take off? Let them go, report it to the police, and lock them out. Make them work to get back in. Let them get broke, hungry, low on gas, cold, lonely, and scared. They get arrested? Don't bail them out. Let them sit in lockup for a while.

 

Hard lessons are sometimes best learned the hard way.

 

 

 

 

As far as the original poster with the angry teen that isn't yet a troublemaker, but is mean to his toddler sibling. You should get him into individual counseling ASAP. As well as go to counseling as a family.

[older_no_wiser]

To the OP, it sounds to me like maybe your son takes after you - which can button push ALL of us if we know the behaviour we are disliking is one that we have too. I mean, you are saying how utterly stressed out with it all you get - to the point of shaking. So you are both overwhelmed by your emotions and not handling them well. Yours takes the form of shaking, his in punching walls!

 

I feel for you, I really do. But I feel for him too. I had a hellish time in my teens - not helped by the fact that my dad died and left us all detached from one another. And BOY did I have a controlling mother. Life was utterly miserable until I got out of her house. It has left me with HUGE quantities of sympathy for teenagers (I've been raising two, solo, for some time now) - especially since it all seems even harder than it was back when I was a teen.

 

You are right. We all need time and space. I have been able to say to my two from an early age that mum just needs a bit of time alone. And they had no problems with that. I'm sure if you and your teen were in a better place he could and would do that for you too. But you need to sort the relationship between you out before you can ever begin to expect "normal". You are more fortunate in some ways that I was, because their dad is still around too. Why isn't HE giving you some time and space while he pitches in to deal with the family?

 

To deal with your own stress, I think you should find ways of getting regular time out from family life. Get a night class, or go and do something physical - swimming, gym, something that releases endorphins and helps you de-stress.

 

Once you have that regular slot away from all of this, start looking for ways and places to find out better ways of relating to teens. The advice here is right. You need to be able to ignore a LOT of teen stuff, not take it personally but yet to be engaged in other ways, i.e. to show them that no matter what, you love them and are proud. To me, teens are not that much different to younger children. Ignore a lot of the bad stuff, the attention seeking stuff, but praise the good stuff to the hilt. You might think he has nothing to praise - but I urge you, FIND it. The more you find to praise and give him attention for, the more he will give you to praise. Start by telling him how thrilled you are that he has grown into a teenager that doesn't do drugs, run with gangs, (or get some girl pregnant!).

 

I agree that you can NOT be forcing him to go to his room. If YOU want time away from him, why should HE be the one to leave? At this age, you should really be allowing him the space to become a man. So, remind him that he needs his sleep to stay healthy, be awake in class, restore himself for all the growth and changes he is doing. Then let him make the choice. You cannot seriously sudenly expect him to be OK with full adult responsibilities at 18 if you don't allow him any at 17.

 

And what about his dad? Why doesn't he go off doing male bonding type stuff with him? Why isn't he off doing stuff with his peers instead of locking horns with you? Doesn't sound too healthy to me that he has this sort of in-your-face relationship with his mum. How about getting him to invite a couple of mates over. Maybe for a pizza and a movie. I bet they disappear to his room fairly quickly!

 

Hang in there. Make some space for yourself to get away from the situation so that you can get a better perspective and not take it all too personally. Remind yourself that teen years suck but most of us get through them OK in the end! Tell him you love him. Give him a hug. Give him some space and some choices and then talk to him. Talk to him about how together, you can make life better in your home. And if you feel that is beyond you or the situation has gone so far you have no more effort to give, then I urge you to seek some help. For really, he sounds fairly "normal" with what you've said so far and it is tragic that you are both missing out on so much.

 

Good luck.

 

meg