i am so close to just being done with my teen

[kobegirl]

Okay wow. All in all I would have to say you expect for your son to act like an adult when he so clearly isn't. He is a horny frustrated annoying teenager who is cooped up in an apartment with his parents, made to go to his room after 10 because you don't want to be around him (I don't care what you say, I am only 20, I remember what it is like. He is thinking you don't want him around, so it just adds to his bad opinion about you.) I can understand your reasons, but he will be taking it as him being shut out of his family, that he is isolated from both of you, even if that isn't your intention.

 

Parents and teenagers very rarely get along. You all have problems from other parts of your life, then bring them home and take it out on each other. Other then the fact that you can't control your emotions and take everything personally when you shouldn't, I am failing to see anything different from most people. He punches the wall because he is frustrated and feels boxed in, living in an apartment where no-one has their own space besides their room does not help.

 

I am so sorry if I am too blunt, I am sure that you have been a great mother and hopefully you can put this past you so you have a great relationship in the future. Be comforted that it will not last, he will grow up, leave home, have a career and have a family of his own. Then you can sit back and enjoy whilst his kids drive him crazy

 

you are not too blunt , dont worry about it . the room thing that is just my rules here. it isnt lock and key we all need time to ourselves and so does he . i am always inviting him out with me ( beach, movies, ) and us but he would rather not , so he says , i remember being that way as well as a teenager but the busting walls , to me there is no excuse for that . I went through all my years without breaking a wall LOL.. but all kids are different i guess.

 

Everyone's post has helped me TONS ! hearing about other people and their own frustrations and what they have been through makes me feel like niether I or my teen is crazy . we are just normal and dealing with this time in our lives.

 

I am realizing that my anxiety contributes to my stress although he doesnt help when he acts up ( bothering neighbors , hitting walls when he disagrees and is frustrated) . but i have to say if i really think about it , it isnt like it happens everyday .

 

we used to live in a large house , now it is a small apartment so that is frustrating for all of us , and i am sure it doesnt help . I do feel a little better , and i will try not to take it personally when he does act out.

 

Thanks to everyone for reading my post and responding . reading my posts shows me how out of control i am letting my emotions get . So I have taken a step back and taken a deep breath , i dont feel so much like having him leave anymore.

 

i have to share that the other morning he decided that he did not have to attend his first period class. and stayed in his room . i definitly got him up and out and took him to school. that was frustrating but i told him not to do that again no matter how not important the first period was. and he agreed hopefully he will stick to that.

 

reading all of your responses has let me know that as bad as i think it is , this will pass. so I am just going to deal with it as best i can . I'll keep you guys posted

[JaneInVegas]

... he wants to go for a walk ! of course to aggitate me . my heart raced , and pounded . i just cant take this crap anymore ! i have talked to him many many of times and he says he understands but he repeats the same crazy behaviors !

 

Sweetie, I know you've already had some great advice from this board, but I just want to add my own 2 cents worth. In my opinion you have symptoms of anxiety, stress disorder, and/or depression. Your son seems to be developing normally as a teenager ... you are not reacting in an appropriate manner. You need to get diagnosed by a professional who can help you with your heart pounding when you're trying to deal with your son.

 

You really should consider nixing the 10:00 rule, you have PLENTY of alone time coming up after he's moved out!

[Lizzie60]

I know exactly what you're going through.. I lived something similar with my son...

 

It is NOT NORMAL for a 17 yr old to punch holes in the walls.. sorry but this is NOT acceptable...

 

I will not tell my story here...but one thing I absolutely did not tolerated was the lack of respect... he swore at me once.. and I slapped him accross the face.. he never did it again.

 

He was a very special, evil kid... he was placed by the court... and I think it did him some good... I think... but then it's hard to know if he just grew out of it or if he really learned from his experience.

 

I know what we (his dad and I) did wrong... we weren't firm enough with him... that was our big mistake..

 

I read somewhere that he has no chores.. he should... then that way he gets pocket money... he shouldn't get pocket money if he doesn't deserve it.

 

Anyway... this is soooo hard... I feel for you..

 

It was hell with my son.. and soooo easy with my daughter. I know what you mean when you say that sometimes you don't love him... I know.. at some point.. I hated my son.

 

But just remember... if he had a good, strong base... he will become stronger and you shouldn't worry too much.

 

Good luck... be strong. You are not to blame... he is the one who needs to smarten up.

[Princess112]

I know a lot of people who punch walls, i'm not saying its okay, but its normal. It's really to just let out frusturation, the way i bury myself in my pillow, the way others cry, some boys hit themselves, and hitting the pillow i guess doesn't have the same results as hitting the wall. You should go for walks, it really DOES help. And don't talk back. Teenagers thrive on riling up your parents. I guess I still do it to a point, I just enjoy having SOME sort of control. Please please please drop the 10 o'clock rule, go to your room at 10, don't make him to go his. It's unreasonable. UNREASONABLE. I understand you need your time but please reconsider. Of course teens will never want to admit to wanting to go out with their parents, and don't get upset that he rejects your invitations. It's normal. But ask anyway. Ask everyday. Make sure he knows you want him around. Even if you know the answer is no. And don't scream. Just listen to all his screams and let him know that his tantics to get attention are no longer working. He will eventually stop doing them if he sees they have no effect. He'll try new things. Hopefully less violent things. And about missing first class.... just because he is in school doesn't mean he goes to class. I used to go to another teacher's class to avoid going to a certain class. It's normal. But of course its good that you didn't let him stay in the home because that's pushing it a little. Having at least the IDEA that you have control is good sometimes. You musn't let him rile you up. It's dangerous for you, your health. Let him go out for walks too. Offer to walk with him, in silence, (that itself might convince him to not go out, lol). Actually, that's not a bad idea. Make it a point to be with him everywhere. He wants to punch the walls? Go into his room and start doing something similar, though less violent. Throw him a pillow everytime he punches and say "This is fun!"

[kobegirl]

I know a lot of people who punch walls, i'm not saying its okay, but its normal. It's really to just let out frusturation, the way i bury myself in my pillow, the way others cry, some boys hit themselves, and hitting the pillow i guess doesn't have the same results as hitting the wall. You should go for walks, it really DOES help. And don't talk back. Teenagers thrive on riling up your parents. I guess I still do it to a point, I just enjoy having SOME sort of control. Please please please drop the 10 o'clock rule, go to your room at 10, don't make him to go his. It's unreasonable. UNREASONABLE. I understand you need your time but please reconsider. Of course teens will never want to admit to wanting to go out with their parents, and don't get upset that he rejects your invitations. It's normal. But ask anyway. Ask everyday. Make sure he knows you want him around. Even if you know the answer is no. And don't scream. Just listen to all his screams and let him know that his tantics to get attention are no longer working. He will eventually stop doing them if he sees they have no effect. He'll try new things. Hopefully less violent things. And about missing first class.... just because he is in school doesn't mean he goes to class. I used to go to another teacher's class to avoid going to a certain class. It's normal. But of course its good that you didn't let him stay in the home because that's pushing it a little. Having at least the IDEA that you have control is good sometimes. You musn't let him rile you up. It's dangerous for you, your health. Let him go out for walks too. Offer to walk with him, in silence, (that itself might convince him to not go out, lol). Actually, that's not a bad idea. Make it a point to be with him everywhere. He wants to punch the walls? Go into his room and start doing something similar, though less violent. Throw him a pillow everytime he punches and say "This is fun!"

 

he is 17 ... lol . I still think curfew is still a good rule. everyone has different rules and that is just mine . I dont think it is unreasonable. Is a curfew for a teenager unreasonable? i dont think so .

i do agree it is definitly bad for my health , i feel the grim reaper taking one step closer to me everytime I get uspet with my teen . i do have some anxiety disorder this is true . . when someone is in a constantly stressfull situation that happens. but I probobly need some help with that part.

 

well i got him a new cell phone tonight a really nice one , the same as my husband and i to replace his old phone since i was changing providers. my teen was not happy . this is what he said .. " you are frorcing me to have a phone i dont want . i just want my old phone , i dont want to be forced to put your name on my phone , i dont like this phone cause all the kids at school have it .. " to add to that he also said " and , since my councelor said that I cant go straight into a four year college it is pointless for me to keep my grades up ok " ... also I came home to the kithen curtain being borken and hanging down , he said he was just trying to close it .. yea uh huh right. I just dont get this teenager of mine at all. I am pretty aggitated at this point .. oh yea I forgot to mention he also said .. " oh , i am not joking but i puffed on a cigarrette last week ... i dont THINK i will try it again but it is better that drugs " ...

[monkey5]

my advice? Pick up a psychology book. Teenagers have higher levels of dopamine (which is what is used to diagnose schitzophrenia-high levels= schitzo)...that all explains why teens are so up and down all of the time.

 

there's no need to worry. teens are full of angst and their hormones are going haywire. I'm sure you were no peach when you were young either. give him time. he will grow out of it.

[Princess112]

Your emphasis on your child's reference was due to...?

 

Was it my pillow fight idea? Lol. I know it might sound juvenile but it releases tension, and it's not violent. My mom and I still have pillow fights sometimes, I love them! Lol.

 

I'm sorry for telling you your curfew rule was unreasonable. I really am, I was out of line. I was just incredelous that someone at 17 would actually listen to that. But if that was the way he was raised then he would generally have no problem with that. I applaud you for enforcing your rules so well. It just... "sucks" that he sees it as a way for you to rid of him. Does your teenager have a job? Maybe you should consider allowing him more responsibility and paying for his own things. He doesn't like his cell phone? He can raise his own money to purchase a different one. Or to unblock his old phone. Do the providers have the same technology (i.e, both providers are GSM and use SIM cards, or both providers use CDMA). If they do, then it's easy to unblock his old phone. If not... tell him to pay for his own phone.

 

 

And about his counselor... sometimes I feel like hitting them across the head. They're SUPPOSED to help children do their best, not put them down. My high school counselor was like that, she refused to allow me to take an online course to improve my grade in a certain class, because she said I wouldn't be able to handle it, blah blah blah. I hated that she said that. So know what I did? I went to another counselor, one that I had helped before, being his assistant, and asked him to sign my permission form to take online classes. And when I finished the course, I went to my assigned counselor and slammed my grade on her desk, and told her to NEVER put down another child and tell them they can't do something, because everyone can do what they want if they want it. And I told her she was a horrible counselor for not telling me all options to improve myself and inhibiting the process.

 

Anyway, what are the reasons for your son's counselor to say that? What is his GPA? And so what if he can't get into a four year college right away? Is it due to his SAT score? Does he have insufficient community service hours? There is always another option. Going into a 2-year college is not bad. In some cases, its even better. It is better to do 2 years and receive an Associate's Degree as opposed to doing 2 years in a 4-year college and not receive anything. There are always choices!

 

Is your son a chatter? I assume he is. Does he have AIM? Or a Yahoo! screen name? Or MSN messenger? I want to chat with your son so badly, see if I can knock some sense into him, (subtly, of course). Sometimes its easier to open up to a complete stranger and you are more likely to listen to them, especially at such a vulnerable age. Its worth the try, maybe I can find out exactly what's bothering him, and diffuse the idea of having him smoking or feeling so down and angry. Would you like me to help? I'd be more than happy to.

 

I know its all normal right now, but if you can have a choice between having a calm child and a violent child, why not?

[Kasan]

well i got him a new cell phone tonight a really nice one , the same as my husband and i to replace his old phone since i was changing providers. my teen was not happy . this is what he said .. " you are frorcing me to have a phone i dont want . i just want my old phone , i dont want to be forced to put your name on my phone , i dont like this phone cause all the kids at school have it .. " to add to that he also said " and , since my councelor said that I cant go straight into a four year college it is pointless for me to keep my grades up ok " ... also I came home to the kithen curtain being borken and hanging down , he said he was just trying to close it .. yea uh huh right. I just dont get this teenager of mine at all. I am pretty aggitated at this point .. oh yea I forgot to mention he also said .. " oh , i am not joking but i puffed on a cigarrette last week ... i dont THINK i will try it again but it is better that drugs " ...

 

 

Why are you getting him a new cell phone? At 17, he should be out earning his own money.

 

My kids always worked summers as they did sports in school. Your son needs the independence of making his own money, and his own choices with his money.

 

And....the whole schooling thing.....I learned the hard way with my son that he hated college....went because everyone else went....finally quit college....engineering major (I should have just opened the window and thrown $15,000 out of it) worked construction for eight years....got out of the field and is working for a great company....and is probably going back to school on his own dime.

 

So the moral of this story is sometimes kids need time to find themselves...and schooling isn't always the option.

 

Some kids are just late bloomers.

[mattathey]

Most important thing I can say is TALK TO HIM, or atleast say soemthign that will lead him to remark however he will it doesnt matter, he will understand you are making an effort that way, if your screaming your ass off he will probably get the impression you 'dont understand' and its true, right now you DONT understand. Also say you go off on him yelling and stuff say your sorry, SAY YOUR SORRY more then likely especially at his age he will respect it and probably say hes sorry or avoid the fight, he cant defend himself or any of his actiosn without someone feeding him reasons too. Trust me on this one, I am 17 and although not the same as your child still see these problems with my mother, hell i can give a **** if my mom will give me money for college or a new phone i would so rather her pick me up on cold days or when i call with a viable reason or MANY small things.

[kobegirl]

well , not to jinx myself but he seems to be doing better lately and that whole thing about psychology and them being psycho in a way is way true .. it's good to be reminded of that . my teen is a really late bloomer i have begun to realize that.. and I do need more patience.

 

I told him going to college is his decision , whatever it is let me know what he wants to do .. right now it is college. I am happy with whatever makes him happy in the long run . well the thoughts of telling him to move out have passed... maybe my stress levels were reaching a pivital point .. but anyway I do feel better about him although he still has his moments i can step back and not overreact.

 

his GPA was at 3.7 which is a first in his entire educational life.. lol .. it was a shock to me that is for sure , since last year he was barely passing all year last school year.. but I told him I was very proud of him .. it has dropped cause he didnt do good on a debate but that's ok . i told him it doesnt even really matter if he has to go to a comunity college first if he does . . it is his road to college. he seems to be gathering some focus. which makes me happy .

 

i have realized that even though he does give alot of attitude at times , i have to controll my anxiety levels cause that doesnt help anyone around here. thank goodness for places like these where we can vent and talk about our feelings and have a place to take a step back and see more clearly I feel like I do see more clearly .

 

my son did work but he quit .. but i told him that it is good that he focusus on his education right now .( it was his choice though not mine ) . and it has helped apparently . maybe he is a really late bloomer. . i just have to have more patience .. but not with punching walls lol .. i hate that LOL .. i still have holes in my walls and they are so ugly .

 

I just hope that his improved attitude will last .. but we shall see.. oh yea ~ i wasn't a peach LOL .. more like a Kiwi fruit

[heatherd1201]

ok, Ive read all the posts on here and I know that some of this will seem like Im just repeating, but I'd like to put my 2 cents in!

I am 23 years old. I was a terrible, rotten teenager! It was just my mom and I and she was working full time and going to school full time. SO she had a lot going on, and not a whole lot of time for me...... We went from a decent sized house to a townhouse and that drove me insane. I also punched walls, but my "unacceptable behavior" was that I threw things. Lots of things. into breakable things.... My feeling is that obviously as a hormone raged teenager, he is taking out his anger the only way he knows how to. Remember, negative attention is still better than no attention to a child. Getting angry and frustrated with him is not going to help. Fortunately my mother was majoring in psychology at the time, and I became her guinea pig. She took a child development course just to try new things with me!! Here are some things that she did with me, that you might consider trying.

One, because he is 17 he does not want to be talked to or treated like a child. Remember, he knows everything...... talk to him like an adult.

Two, we did not have a lot of money, so my mom couldnt afford to buy me luxury things. Such as a car. A car is SUCH a sense of freedom to a 17 year old. My mother told me that If i got a part time job whatever money I earned and saved she would "match" so that when I had a couple thousand dollars and it was then doubled. I got my first car. It was just an '87 Camry, but it was MINE. I then had to pay for the oil changes, the gas, etc. That meant that i needed to KEEP my job to continue paying for it. It gave me a sense of accomplishment and responsibility. Same with a cell phone. ( they werent that common then though!) If there is a specific one that he wants, he needs to earn half the money for it.

Three, when he tells you that he wants to go for a walk and its 8 oclock at night. Let him go. Hes 17. I was infamous for storming out of the house. I just needed some time to myself, and because my room was in my mothers house, that didnt help me. When I got my car I would literally say "Im going for a drive" and leave. I was always back within 20-30 minutes and I was much calmer. It was easier for me to talk.

Better yet, if he wants to walk and hes not screaming angry say to him "You know, its a nice night out, do you mind if i join you?" and then while you are walking, dont try to push a conversation on him. Let him talk if he wants to, but if he doesnt, just let him be. Sometimes someone standing next to you and just walking with you and not talking feels better than thinking you might get lectured in the next few sentences.

And Four- about college. going to a 2 year college is a very good idea. Its smaller (smaller classes), and there is less pressure. Remind him that when you go to a 2 year college you dont have to decide right away what you want to do with the rest of your life. Its time to explore. I'm not sure what state you live in, but here in Florida when you graduate from a 2 year college you are automatically accepted to a university. That takes immense pressure off of people who are indimidated about getting into a 4 year college.

Your son just needs to feel loved without feeling lectured, smothered, or controlled. Dont lose your cool around him, dont yell. I understand that in your house punching holes in walls is not acceptable. I can totally understand that. How about trying a different route. Christmas is coming. Consider buying him a punching bag?? I think that that would help. He could get out his frustration, its relatively quiet, and no holes in the wall!

[kobegirl]

Thanks , I thought that maybe he had turned a corner but he is doing what I call his "wierd crazy behavior again and I am just out of oxygen if you know what i mean . my toddler and I were doing a puzzle in the living room, husband wasnt home and I asked my teen to join he said that it looked fun but started to harass my toddler and not just once .. the whole time ( 10 minutes ) by pulling my toddlers finished puzzle pieces apart and saying things like ah hah ~ your dumb .. I think i told my teenager to stop like 12 times ! i didnt want to raise my voicein front of my toddler but then my toddler was feeling down he started off very happy about doing the puzzle together.. and afterwards my toddler was in tears almost .. my teenager then told my toddler nope he doesnt want to do the puzzle anymore cause its junk .. then sat on the couch eating a pizza he started to throw pieces of pizza at us mostly at my toddler about 3 times and i told him to stop 3 times...

 

so ... I snapped . told him to get out of my face and leave the room if he is going to act like that .. he refused like too bad kinda thing.. lets just say my toddler and i just felt so yuk... i was so angry that i FELT like picking my teen up and throwing him out the window. but of course that was a thought .

 

later i tried to talk to the teen and he was being a total punk . i stayed nice and then he said this ... " the only reason I am happy your home is because you got food for me or make food for me , if you died I would get over it in a few days and the only thing I really need you for is college money " .. i he looked at me dead in the eyes and said this .. i wasnt even angry I think i told him you must be kidding right ? he said no he isnt ...

 

anyway , i am not angry .. i feel a hurt , and somewhat frustrated . the thought that goes through my head is .. so i spent the last 17 years struggling for what ? and I feel like my teen doesnt deserve anything ... that is how i feel at this moment . i feel like he closed a door in me . i feel like completely ignoring him like he doesnt exist .. that is what i feel like. right now I am just annoyed .. and i dont want to be around him at all ... if attention is what he wanted well that is the last thing he is going to get right now. I could care less about him right now ... I just feel completely cold to him at this moment ... right now I hate that he is here he repulses me .. I am going to say this as not good and as not right as it sounds ... i dont even feel like my teen is my child right now .. i feel like this is a business transaction ... he lives here , i pay for college and he moves out I HOPE! and the business deal is done .. he already is acting like that is ALL HE wants out of me ... so that will be it .. he can move out then I can change my fricken number. wrong right ? that is just how i feel right now and i want to be honest about how I am feeling right now.

 

maybe I will feel differently if my teen says something that lessons the impact of what he said .. if not .. well he is just a crazy room mate that i wish would move out . i wont kick him out though .. unless it gets worse around here.. hopefully this is something he said cause he is an idiot .. but i think it came from somewhere real in him . it is morning now and I dont feel like even making breakfast for his ( teen ) stiupid *ss .

[MrsHellnoFire]

I know a lot of people who punch walls, i'm not saying its okay, but its normal. It's really to just let out frusturation, the way i bury myself in my pillow, the way others cry, some boys hit themselves, and hitting the pillow i guess doesn't have the same results as hitting the wall. You should go for walks, it really DOES help. And don't talk back. Teenagers thrive on riling up your parents. I guess I still do it to a point, I just enjoy having SOME sort of control. Please please please drop the 10 o'clock rule, go to your room at 10, don't make him to go his. It's unreasonable. UNREASONABLE. I understand you need your time but please reconsider. Of course teens will never want to admit to wanting to go out with their parents, and don't get upset that he rejects your invitations. It's normal. But ask anyway. Ask everyday. Make sure he knows you want him around. Even if you know the answer is no. And don't scream. Just listen to all his screams and let him know that his tantics to get attention are no longer working. He will eventually stop doing them if he sees they have no effect. He'll try new things. Hopefully less violent things. And about missing first class.... just because he is in school doesn't mean he goes to class. I used to go to another teacher's class to avoid going to a certain class. It's normal. But of course its good that you didn't let him stay in the home because that's pushing it a little. Having at least the IDEA that you have control is good sometimes. You musn't let him rile you up. It's dangerous for you, your health. Let him go out for walks too. Offer to walk with him, in silence, (that itself might convince him to not go out, lol). Actually, that's not a bad idea. Make it a point to be with him everywhere. He wants to punch the walls? Go into his room and start doing something similar, though less violent. Throw him a pillow everytime he punches and say "This is fun!"

 

 

Well I have punched walls before out of frustration and anger.. not during my teen years either. Although I was never strong enough to actually punch a hole in the wall. I did kick a hole in a wall before though as a child. I'd suggest purchasing a punching bag and boxing gloves as an alterior way to let aggression out.

[MrsHellnoFire]

Thanks , I thought that maybe he had turned a corner but he is doing what I call his "wierd crazy behavior again and I am just out of oxygen if you know what i mean . my toddler and I were doing a puzzle in the living room, husband wasnt home and I asked my teen to join he said that it looked fun but started to harass my toddler and not just once .. the whole time ( 10 minutes ) by pulling my toddlers finished puzzle pieces apart and saying things like ah hah ~ your dumb .. I think i told my teenager to stop like 12 times ! i didnt want to raise my voicein front of my toddler but then my toddler was feeling down he started off very happy about doing the puzzle together.. and afterwards my toddler was in tears almost .. my teenager then told my toddler nope he doesnt want to do the puzzle anymore cause its junk .. then sat on the couch eating a pizza he started to throw pieces of pizza at us mostly at my toddler about 3 times and i told him to stop 3 times...

 

so ... I snapped . told him to get out of my face and leave the room if he is going to act like that .. he refused like too bad kinda thing.. lets just say my toddler and i just felt so yuk... i was so angry that i FELT like picking my teen up and throwing him out the window. but of course that was a thought .

 

later i tried to talk to the teen and he was being a total punk . i stayed nice and then he said this ... " the only reason I am happy your home is because you got food for me or make food for me , if you died I would get over it in a few days and the only thing I really need you for is college money " .. i he looked at me dead in the eyes and said this .. i wasnt even angry I think i told him you must be kidding right ? he said no he isnt ...

 

anyway , i am not angry .. i feel a hurt , and somewhat frustrated . the thought that goes through my head is .. so i spent the last 17 years struggling for what ? and I feel like my teen doesnt deserve anything ... that is how i feel at this moment . i feel like he closed a door in me . i feel like completely ignoring him like he doesnt exist .. that is what i feel like. right now I am just annoyed .. and i dont want to be around him at all ... if attention is what he wanted well that is the last thing he is going to get right now. I could care less about him right now ... I just feel completely cold to him at this moment ... right now I hate that he is here he repulses me .. I am going to say this as not good and as not right as it sounds ... i dont even feel like my teen is my child right now .. i feel like this is a business transaction ... he lives here , i pay for college and he moves out I HOPE! and the business deal is done .. he already is acting like that is ALL HE wants out of me ... so that will be it .. he can move out then I can change my fricken number. wrong right ? that is just how i feel right now and i want to be honest about how I am feeling right now.

 

maybe I will feel differently if my teen says something that lessons the impact of what he said .. if not .. well he is just a crazy room mate that i wish would move out . i wont kick him out though .. unless it gets worse around here.. hopefully this is something he said cause he is an idiot .. but i think it came from somewhere real in him . it is morning now and I dont feel like even making breakfast for his ( teen ) stiupid *ss .

 

i feel like this is a business transaction ...

 

isn't he old enough to make his own breakfast? you're not a servant. on one hand it seems like you spoil him with "things".. like you mention that his room has lots of goodies in there and is the size of a studio apt and he also claims you are "useful" to him. so you spoil him on one hand and totally disregard him in another. money and/or things doesn't buy love. it's about time you spend quality time with him as a friend and person who loves him instead of this uptight mother character devoting all this time to being a servant and atm machine.

he's upset you are spending quality time mostly with your toddler.. of course he's going to act out... it's the classic jealousy scenario with siblings.

Maybe you should get a babysitter a couple times a week to spend some real time outside of the house with your older child who desperately craves your attention and love.

[kobegirl]

isn't he old enough to make his own breakfast? you're not a servant. on one hand it seems like you spoil him with "things".. like you mention that his room has lots of goodies in there and is the size of a studio apt and he also claims you are "useful" to him. so you spoil him on one hand and totally disregard him in another. money and/or things doesn't buy love. it's about time you spend quality time with him as a friend and person who loves him instead of this uptight mother character devoting all this time to being a servant and atm machine.

he's upset you are spending quality time mostly with your toddler.. of course he's going to act out... it's the classic jealousy scenario with siblings.

Maybe you should get a babysitter a couple times a week to spend some real time outside of the house with your older child who desperately craves your attention and love.

 

his room isnt that big but what i am saying is it isnt like he has nothing ... and i always tell him to do stuff with me and with family .. he says no to everything . everything is dumb .. so that is just how it has been and a 5 year old needs different kinds of attention then a 17 year old. i am surely not going to have my teen on my lap and hug him and tell him how much i love him .. come on now. if he is jealous too bad for him .. that is no reason for him to harass us . I put the effort I can .. and still am but it takes him to do some contributing to this relationship.. your right , I am not his servant and he knows it . maybe that is why he is mad. who knows. he is really pissing me off... as a individual . he is 18 soon .. he isnt a 12 , 14 or 15 ... people try to do everything for there kids like letting them play video games in the house till they are 30 + .. that isnt going to fly here.. he needs to grow up , act his age. he is old enough to know better... he doesnt have to be rational all the time he is young but some of his behavior is way out of line . . to me there is such a thing as being a good son as well as being a good parent . if he is going to treat me like crap I am surely not going to be nice to him . right now I am ignoring him , I usually always talking to him about college , homework , school and such .. but i am burnt out right now .. he is old enough to know better . i am definitly not tryin gto buy love , at this point i dont even care if he loves me , I am doing what I am responsible to do . give him what he needs for his success. I dont condone his bad attitude and never will . so if he thinks i am going to kiss his butt he got another thing coming.

[Ladyjane14]

I could care less about him right now ... I just feel completely cold to him at this moment ... right now I hate that he is here he repulses me .. I am going to say this as not good and as not right as it sounds ... i dont even feel like my teen is my child right now .. i feel like this is a business transaction ...

 

These comments are quite disturbing, Kobe.

At 17, he's still a child, behaving in an immature fashion because he IS immature. What's your excuse?

 

You need to be "the grown-up" in the relationship and stop caving-in to your frustrations. If you don't, your relationship with him will be destroyed utterly. My recommendation to you is to get into some family counseling ASAP. He's not getting the validation and reassurance he needs from you. Teens are insecure people who still need guidance, even as they're emotionally becoming less dependent on their parents.

 

You know, at some point, he's gonna give you up as a lost cause... but he's going to be a grande 'pain in your hiney' until that time.

[kobegirl]

hey what can i say , I was angry . nice of you to call me immature !easy to point fingers i guess when your not in a situation .. anyway I was just to the point of utter frustration can't you tell ? obviously i said that to myself to detatch from the situation . it isnt something i tell him of course. duh~.

I think teenagers should be responsible for their behavior to a point , you cant just say they are immature so to let them get away with everything.

I stopped by to say that I had a talk with him , a long one . seems to have gotten in his head. He seems more focused now . but I am crossing my fingers. teenagers are just difficult ! . by the way , immature people wouldnt even let their kids bother them at all cause immature people would not care. I do care about him .. just really frustrated. i wouldnt even be here venting about it if it didnt bother me or if I didnt care . you cant always point your fingers at the parents .. teenagers do have their own personalities and choices. nice of you lady jane to try to dig it into me . hope you enjoyed it .

things seem to be really improving now with my teen ( knock on wood) so I am hesitantly optomistic. maybe I shouldnt be so open on here with my thoughts and feelings since some will try to kick you when your down . anyway feeling and thoughts that is all this was. thanks for the support most, it really helps. i guess this attitude of his is just a phase.And my reaction way over the top. of course my teen's personality is his own but that's ok . My excuse lady jane ? what the hec is yours? forget it , I don't really care.

[Ladyjane14]

hey what can i say , I was angry . nice of you to call me immature !easy to point fingers i guess when your not in a situation .. anyway I was just to the point of utter frustration can't you tell ? obviously i said that to myself to detatch from the situation . it isnt something i tell him of course. duh~.

I think teenagers should be responsible for their behavior to a point , you cant just say they are immature so to let them get away with everything.

I stopped by to say that I had a talk with him , a long one . seems to have gotten in his head. He seems more focused now . but I am crossing my fingers. teenagers are just difficult ! . by the way , immature people wouldnt even let their kids bother them at all cause immature people would not care. I do care about him .. just really frustrated. i wouldnt even be here venting about it if it didnt bother me or if I didnt care . you cant always point your fingers at the parents .. teenagers do have their own personalities and choices. nice of you lady jane to try to dig it into me . hope you enjoyed it .

things seem to be really improving now with my teen ( knock on wood) so I am hesitantly optomistic. maybe I shouldnt be so open on here with my thoughts and feelings since some will try to kick you when your down . anyway feeling and thoughts that is all this was. thanks for the support most, it really helps. i guess this attitude of his is just a phase.And my reaction way over the top. of course my teen's personality is his own but that's ok . My excuse lady jane ? what the hec is yours? forget it , I don't really care.

 

Thank you, Kobe. You know, there's no substitute for a clear perspective.

And from my perspective, I've gone back and reviewed your threads and counted up the number of times I've responded to them. The number was 20. Some were short responses, some were long. And I figure if I spent on average of 20 minutes apiece.. I used up something on the order of 400 minutes of my life. Time I will never use for anything else except sharing a thought with Kobe. Hmmmm....

 

I took you to be a woman who was a bit overwhelmed by her situation, but otherwise a decent enough person, one who'd been challenged by circumstances. But it turns out that the very first time, in TWENTY posts that I asked you a hard question or offered any criticism... you went to back-biting like a rabid animal.

 

Maybe that's indicative of your personality. If so, well... that might go a long way toward explaining why you're having problems in your family life.

Or maybe you're just having yet another bad day. Who knows? With my new perspective, I have to admit... I don't much care.

 

Anyway, that's the last thought I have time to share with you... here in my 21st post. Good luck with yourself.

 

 

 

(*Note to self... get crystal ball polished. )

[ritamae]

Perfect parents with perfect children - will never get you, Kobe.

 

http://www.conductdisorders.com

 

Your son has issues. It could be depression - it comes out in children and teens entirely different than it does in adults. Could be anxiety, could be drugs.

 

My best advice is to take care of you first. You must keep up your strength in order to deal with this teen. Pamper yourself, get time away, get the younger son out of there sometimes to give him a break from the tension, too.

 

Yes, detach. Do not take anything he says personally. Take it seriously - just not personal.

[Jmina]

I bet your at the end of your rope, i bet this is hard to deal with for both of you, and i bet you need soem time out!

 

However I also bet that this is a clear CLEAR CLEAR cry for attention. With what i have read, it is obvious.

He bangs his feet and you come running, he bangs doors you react, its 10 oclock and he plays up because he know you will react.

 

dont you get it! he doesnt want the tv, his computer, and whatever you have bought him to keep him away from you. he wants a better relationship with his mother, and all that he has learnt is to be annoying to get some attention.

 

any attention is good attention.

 

If you continue to push him away because you cant handle it he will continue to ark up.

 

get some help because you are the one with some issues, you simply wont bring your wall down because he has aggrivated you so much. you need a clean slate and a new family plan because the one your using. ISNT WORKING! and throwing him out is NOT the option.

 

boy do you have an ego. Reading some of your first posts you were set that it is all HIS fault, he is the WRONG one, if HE was gone you would be happy, what do you think he is thinking?

 

If mum understood me by talking to me i would be HAPPIER, i wouldnt mind going and doing my own thing in room if i wasnt ALWAYS thinking about how to get some attention for my mother. i am bored and lonley in my room.

 

 

Now im sure you have felt bored and lonley before, and i am sure when you have something big on your mind you cant jsut go watch some tv. how do you expect this young guy to do it?

 

this boy has defenetely LEARNT how to behave, and it works everywhere i bet. at home and at school.

 

You need to talk to him. I cant stress this enough. i bet there are a million things going through his head that you are un aware of that would make your heart sink and crumble inside.

 

this young man is inbetween growing up. you cant treat him like a child and you cant treat him like an adult, you need to teach him where he stands in society and also in the home, as a young man, he should be able to come out of his room after 10 if he wanted and not be confined. i agree that when he is under your roof they are the rules, but come on. i would understand if this was a once in a blue moon thing to give you some space from everyone/everything but every night! what a drag, what an insult and it must hurt!

 

your son needs to told that his behaviour isnt acceptable also and that he needs to start acting like a young man, and you will be there to support him.

 

If my parents sent me to my room at the age of 17 i would have probably escaped because "they wouldnt want me there anyway" why would they care if they send me away all the time? this kid is CRYING for some understanding and attention! i cant believe he is still at home doing the only thing he knows, instead of just sneaking out and rebeling! you have a wonderful young man here, who hasnt given up on the two of you yet. he just doesnt know how to go about it.

 

Both of you HAVE to change for both your sakes. Not just the your son but you also.

[Ms_Natalie]

Is it your anxiety that is making this situation into a far worse escapade? Your rules, although you have the right to choose them, seem a little extreme. I am only 23 and I put my mam through an awful lot of trouble when I was 17. I am now beginning my PhD is Clinical Psychology and our relationship has never been better..

 

There seems to be a lack of understanding too between you are your teen...Do you ever talk? He is definately not the worst teenager I have encountered (granted I dont live with you) but his behaviours seem to be completely on par with the "normal" teenage years. Frustration can manifest itself in many different ways and the only way to begin to cope and try to resolve this problem is communication...

 

Have you thought about counselling? Therapy? Bonding trips away??

You appear frivalous regarding your son and the way you will give him money to leave....dont give up on him, and get the help you both need

 

He needs love, not money....

[charmedone_59]

I went through the same things with my son only worse he called me a f***** b**** in front of my frends and family if he did not get his own way. Snuck out at night sometimes all night long. Took a ball bat and busted everything up. Chased me with a butcher kinife and said he was gonna kill me. Just beause I told him no or asked him to clean his room, or tried to talk to him when he had the telivison so loud no one could here the selfs think.

All parents need space, all I ever wanted was his love, he is 21 now and I will always want his love, but he has thrown us away again

[cicada]

I definitly know you are overwhelmed , i understand I have a teenager as well . . same age and mine is a handfull . Don't take what people say too harshly . i think most of the posts here are to help you . I read through and I agree i think "some" use this place to just point the finger and that isnt right. I think maybe you should deal with your anxiety and stress issues first. at this age the teenagers are in between childhood and adulthood and as hard as it is to believe they do grow out of it .. at least we all hope they do lol.

i think maybe the 10 o clock thing might be too much .. rules are good but they have to learn how to schedual themselves sort of speak .. as long as they aren't drinking beer or something lol. well take care.. and hang in there !

[Kenyth]

I went through the same things with my son only worse he called me a f***** b**** in front of my frends and family if he did not get his own way. Snuck out at night sometimes all night long. Took a ball bat and busted everything up. Chased me with a butcher kinife and said he was gonna kill me. Just beause I told him no or asked him to clean his room, or tried to talk to him when he had the telivison so loud no one could here the selfs think.

All parents need space, all I ever wanted was his love, he is 21 now and I will always want his love, but he has thrown us away again

 

Sorry for your problems. That sounds terrible!

 

If a child ever shows aggression of this caliber, they need to be turned over to the police or another institution. Treat bad behavior with the proper response. A couple weeks in lockup can do wonders for bad behavior.

[lovesparis]

sounds to me like you should have thought about this before you had children.

once you have kids, personal time is not an option.

 

i'd suggest counseling but you'd probably have an excuse why you can't do that either.