Wife's Crush on Colleague?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Lb, so what your saying is it is inevitable no matter what I do.

 

Her feelings are, yes - that is a painful fact about affairs. People who cheat do fall in love, and nothing will stop those feelings except the person having them, and even then, she has to first admit them to herself, admit them to you so that she will not be tempted to act on them behind your back, and make a concerted effort not to put herself in a position to nurture those feelings. Its all her, though. She has to want to stop it.

 

But the affair itself? No. You have the power to nip it right in the bud through exposure. I don't know of many affairs that can make it through the scorched earth style of exposure.

 

You just have to watch, wait and gather evidence. Right now you aren't seeing the concrete proof, so you are more inclined to think if you can't find it - it isn't there. I completely understand that.

[fxj05]

So we talked at length the other night, and yes there is a lot of resentment at me for the amount of free time that I spend out of the house playing sport (Couple nights a week and 4hours every Sat or Sun)

 

She feels that sport come before our marriage, and yes I sacrificed family time often for the committment to sport.

 

We have fought about this down the years and I suppose I never really listened. I always felt that she was being unreasonable as it wasn't like I was going to bars or drinking.

 

When I am at home I know I am a good husband, I cook, clean, help with the kids, tell my wife she looks pretty and that I love her more now than ever.

 

But I realise now that she has felt neglected and lonely at times over the sport issue and said I would like to make it good, i just don't know how.

 

Now with her work taking up more time (She has started in the past few weeks working full time, with promotion and extra responsibility) she feels that it is her time to have a life outside of the home.

 

She says that she doesn't want to lose me and that she loves me. She says that some of the spark has gone, although I never felt this way.

 

To be fair for a few years we didn't go out much, with the kids and all.

 

We also spoke again about my feelings that she was attracted to someone at work and she denied this and I told her I didnt believe her.

 

She accused me of not trusting her and I said that I don't trust her on some issues.

 

I am at a loss on what to do from here, Do I just wait and see?

[Cobra_X30]

When I am at home I know I am a good husband, I cook, clean, help with the kids, tell my wife she looks pretty and that I love her more now than ever.

 

But I realise now that she has felt neglected and lonely at times over the sport issue and said I would like to make it good, i just don't know how.

 

Now with her work taking up more time (She has started in the past few weeks working full time, with promotion and extra responsibility) she feels that it is her time to have a life outside of the home.

 

She says that she doesn't want to lose me and that she loves me. She says that some of the spark has gone, although I never felt this way.

 

To be fair for a few years we didn't go out much, with the kids and all.

 

We also spoke again about my feelings that she was attracted to someone at work and she denied this and I told her I didnt believe her.

 

She accused me of not trusting her and I said that I don't trust her on some issues.

 

Why can't the two of you have a "life outside of home" together?? You know that sport isnt the only thing she resents! She needs to forgive you!

 

What kind of things does she plan on doing? Are we just talking about work?

 

In regards to trust... She needs to realize that if she does anything that you will find out, and that your marriage will be over! Beyond that I dont know what to do!

[FrequentFlyer]

yes there is a lot of resentment at me

 

...I suppose I never really listened.

 

But I realise now that she has felt neglected and lonely at times...

 

Now ... she feels that it is her time to have a life ...

 

She says that she doesn't want to lose me and that she loves me. She says that some of the spark has gone...

 

She accused me of not trusting her and I said that I don't trust her on some issues.

 

 

Sorry to hear all this. It's not encouraging.

 

You're starting to get some of the real story now. And she's also starting to turn the tables back on you...it's your fault...I was stuck at home all the time you were out, you don't trust me, blah blah blah...

 

From her perspective maybe she feels entitled to go out and have some fun now. Too bad it may not be with you. Did she mention if she wanted to actually work on repairing the relationship? You didn't mention that, and I think that would be a fairly important part of this conversation, if it came up.

 

And exactly how does "some" of the spark go out? Huh?

[fxj05]

We had an argument last night as I was pissed that she has had to do some overtime fri & mon evening as it meant we didn't get a family meal together and any time together on Friday due to her extended fmily committments, although the rest of the weekend was good.

 

I have always found it hard to deal with her doing overtime or working on holidays etc. I realise this is selfish and have tried to control my feelings, but the whole situation at the minute makes it worse, even though I know the overtime is genuine, and I start to wonder are there other reasons to stay an extra few mins when work is finished.

 

I was quiet all evening but eventually brought it up at bed time.

She got angry at me and accused me of trying to control her and brought up the resentment issues again. She said it makes her feel like she can't have friendships with other men.

 

Eventually when we calmed down she suggested going to a MC, although she feels she feels she has done nothing wrong, but is keen to go and explore anything that she is doing that may be contributing to the situation.

 

I think her primary reason for going though is to help convince me that nothing is going on at work, as she says that no matter what she says I won't believe her.

 

I do believe her that nothing has physically happened, but I think maybe she is in denial about the extent of her feelings and how they are affecting us, so maybe MC would be good.

[bish]

I was quiet all evening but eventually brought it up at bed time.

She got angry at me and accused me of trying to control her and brought up the resentment issues again. She said it makes her feel like she can't have friendships with other men.

 

From what you have said it sounds like she can't handle being friends with other men.

 

I still say she is playing you for a fool.

[Cobra_X30]

I was quiet all evening but eventually brought it up at bed time.She got angry at me and accused me of trying to control her and brought up the resentment issues again. She said it makes her feel like she can't have friendships with other men.

 

I just want to draw a point upon what you said here! She thinks that this is a control issue. Is it?

 

Didnt she claim resentment for your time playing sports? Isn't that a control issue also?

 

She wants to have male friendships? What kind of friends are we talking about here? I have a very dim view of married poeple having close friends of the opposite sex. Why does she need a male friend when she already has you? Also do you have any female friends?

[bish]

I just want to draw a point upon what you said here! She thinks that this is a control issue. Is it?

 

Didnt she claim resentment for your time playing sports? Isn't that a control issue also?

 

She wants to have male friendships? What kind of friends are we talking about here? I have a very dim view of married poeple having close friends of the opposite sex. Why does she need a male friend when she already has you? Also do you have any female friends?

 

Also, he was concerned about her overtime because it took away from family time...and SHE flips it around saying it was a control issue with regards to her being friends with other men!

 

That throws up a red flag to me right there. Sorry...I think this "woman" is messing around on him, or at the very least would like to.

 

I know he thinks she isn't...but there are too many tell tale signs here that I recognize all too well.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You know I wonder if she would be angry if he came home and said I'm going out with my friend Jessica from work. And tell her the exact same garbage she's been telling him. I wonder how would she feel then? Oh I cant have friends with females huh? We're just friends nothing's going on!?!?!

 

What a load of BS!

 

The writing's on the wall. All if comes down to is either she admits it or she get's caught.

 

He needs to detach and get a life without her. plan for the future without her. These friends are more important than their marriage then let her understand the idea of divorce.

 

FX needs to man up and demand respect and if he doesnt get it in his house then cut her loose. Seperate with the intent of divorce!

[fxj05]

I havn't posted in a while as I have been feeling low, I think I'm starting to go into depression. I found out during the week about a friends father who has been having an affair with my secretaries mother, and it just set me off.

 

Its just that this man is in his 60's with a grown up family and not the sort of person you expect to be having an affair. It just hit home hard that it really could happen to me.

 

Every evening I am bombarding my wife with questions and trying to talk about our situation and the pressure I am puting on her is not helping, probably making work seem even more enticing.

 

As far as she's concerned she hadn't really seen a problem until I brought up these issues therefore she has told me that she dreads talking to me now as she knows that I am going to bring it up and she looks forwrd to the eveings I am out of the house.

 

I know she is exhasuted as she had to work on Saturday due to an open day at work and along with some medical problems, therefore we're not really having sex that often either.

 

On Sat night I finally thought I was geting through when we talked as she seemed to open up a bit, she finally admitted openly to me that she is not attracted to me any more, which of course hurt but I thought at least maybe she will start being totally honest.

 

But on Sunday she tried to backtrack like she said it but didn't mean it 'I am attracted to you, but I just don't get turned on by you. No, I jut don't get turned on by anyone. I'm not that interested in sex'

 

Also when I quizzed her about her saying the 'spark had gone' she replied 'The sparks not completely gone, we have just grown apart, no not grown apart, I love you more than ever now, its just that I don't need you as much now because I have a fulfilling job'

 

I'm so confused as to what way she is feeling, I don't think she knows herself. She says that the spark dies in all marriages and that this is nothing to worry about.

 

I hadn't noticed the spark going myself and up til 4 months ago I was more happy together than I had ever been and I thought she was too.

 

Before she got this new job about 4 months ago she had been made redundant and was feeling low about it. We had talked about starting a business together, but I couldn't leave the family business where I am the Manager and she didn't want to do it on her own.

 

I know that some of her needs are being filled by this new job through extra responsibility and challenge, but I still can't get shot of that nagging feeling that there is more to it.

 

We still havn't got round to going to MC, mostly my fault as I was hesitant. I didn't want to organize babysitters etc and have to tell them where we were going, as we usually use family.

 

She has said she is willing to leave her job for our marriage, but that won't help if she is going to resent me for it and it won't sort out the root causes of the problems.

 

I know people here have told me not to be naive and say I know she is not having a sexual affair, but I havn't seen any signs and I have to trust my intuition.

 

I have a deep need to know the truth, whatever that is and my pursuit of that is driving a wedge between us, but I don't think I can move on until i get it.

 

Will MC help find out what she is really thinking or will it just give us help to try to reconnect?

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. Its just that this man is in his 60's with a grown up family and not the sort of person you expect to be having an affair. It just hit home hard that it really could happen to me.

 

2. we're not really having sex that often either.

 

3. she finally admitted openly to me that she is not attracted to me any more,

I am attracted to you, but I just don't get turned on by you. No, I jut don't get turned on by anyone. I'm not that interested in sex' The sparks not completely gone, we have just grown apart, no not grown apart, I love you more than ever now, its just that I don't need you as much now. She says that the spark dies in all marriages and that this is nothing to worry about.

 

4. I hadn't noticed the spark going myself and up til 4 months ago I was more happy together than I had ever been and I thought she was too.

 

5. Before she got this new job about 4 months ago she had been made redundant and was feeling low about it

 

6. I know that some of her needs are being filled by this new job through extra responsibility and challenge, but I still can't get shot of that nagging feeling that there is more to it.

 

7. We still havn't got round to going to MC, mostly my fault as I was hesitant. I didn't want to organize babysitters etc and have to tell them where we were going, as we usually use family.

 

8. She has said she is willing to leave her job for our marriage, but that won't help if she is going to resent me for it and it won't sort out the root causes of the problems.

 

9. I know people here have told me not to be naive and say I know she is not having a sexual affair, but I havn't seen any signs and I have to trust my intuition.

 

10. I have a deep need to know the truth, whatever that is and my pursuit of that is driving a wedge between us, but I don't think I can move on until i get it.

 

11. Will MC help find out what she is really thinking or will it just give us help to try to reconnect?

 

1. I see that sort all the time on this one OW board I lurk at. You would be very surprised to see how many of these married guys are above 50, been married 15+ years, have grown children, etc. I see this sort more often than not, actually.

 

2. Red flag.

 

3. If you go to Surviving Infidelity and post this, you will have endless responses from betrayed spouses who will tell you that they got this exact same stuff from their wayward spouses before they found out about the affair. I've seen it plenty of times here, too.

 

4. Same thing. Its called 'rewriting marital history'. When a wayward spouse starts an affair, they try to justify it by making out the relationship with the betrayed spouse worse than it actually is, and making it appear that problems had been around for a lot longer than they actually were.

 

5. This sets the stage for an affair. Again, you'll see plenty of stories of betrayed spouses where changes in a work or life situation happened just prior to the affair.

 

6. Never ignore that feeling. Again, you'll see lots of betrayed spouses who felt this exact same thing, sometimes for many months if not years before having a Dday. It is your subconscious that sees something, is processing it, and is sending you 'fight or flee' signals.

 

7. Don't let this be something you end up blaming yourself for.

 

8. You are right about this. Until you have rock solid proof of anything going on, you will not want to try to make her leave her job. If you do, she will blame you. If you have a Dday, confront her, and then insist on her leaving her job then she will have no one to blame but her and the guy who she is having the affair with.

 

9. She may not be having sex, but I see plenty of signs that she is involved on some level already, far more damaging ones than 'just sex'. She is already lying, gaslighting, minimizing your relationship, blaming you, etc. Her behaviors are classic affair behaviors. Don't let your denial of this situation keep you from looking seriously into it. Confronting her at this point will do you no good. You have to have proof to force this to end: either solid information from a PI, phone records, keylogged information, etc.

 

10. You are halfway there already. Now you just need to gather information.

 

11. Yes, it can help to get stuff out on the table. There are things the two of you need to talk about, and its getting to the point where it would be best to have it done by an objective third party. You will have to stop talking about this to her on your own. She is shutting you down, withdrawing from you, and if she is thinking of having an affair or already in one - she will use your "nagging" (not that I think you are nagging, but she may see it that way especially if she has something going on) as a way to justify her affair. Marriage counseling will not end an affair, though. Be aware of that. Think of it as a way to address some other issues, and go from there.

 

Now, she may or may not be in a full blown affair, but her behavior is very suspicious. Think of it like what you see as a doctor finding a lump. It could be cancer, it may not be - but it is suspicious and has the characteristics of something that might kill you. So... you check it out. Thoroughly.

[jmargel]

Your driving wedge between you two comes down to one word.. communication. When your communication goes bad everything else follows it. Marriage counseling helps bind up those loose ends and narrows that wedge between you two. It allows you to approach your situations at a different angle so that the two of you better understand each other.

 

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain from it. Get your ass in gear and make an appointment with a licensed MC. This MC will get any info out of your wife such as if she is having an affair, etc.. It might take weeks or a few months but at least you will know the truth.

 

You keep doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. That's going to drive you insane. It's time to approach this in a different way.

[Ladyjane14]

You know, if it turns out that your wife isn't cheating, which is likely since you don't have any evidence that she is... you are really making a muck of this. The way you're acting right now can cause permanent damage to the relationship... loss of trust, loss of respect, loss of love.

 

If you walk a mile in her shoes, and say... you know you're innocent of any wrong-doing, grilling her like you've been doing is a breach of emotional trust and a de facto accusation of lying. So, if she really is innocent, it ends up being YOU who has caused a huge problem within the marriage. Your attention seems to be solely in catching her out in some kind of dishonesty rather than repairing the relationship dynamics, which would entail RESTORING trust and positive communications.

 

My advice to you, in light of your concern about depression, would be to go ahead and see your medical doctor for a depression screening. I would also schedule counseling, and based on your doctor's findings, you might consider Individual Counseling as well as MC.

 

There's no reason to withhold the fact that you're going for MC from family members. Most long-standing marriages will need tweaking now and then. Rather than be embarrassed about it, you can be proud of showing true dedication to keeping the marriage healthy.

 

You know, being married doesn't mean a person is dead. It's normal to notice attractive people, and noticing doesn't mean we have to act on it. I'd find it hard to believe that in 15 years you NEVER had a second look at a pretty woman, or had an enjoyable conversation with an opposite sex co-worker, or anything of that nature.

 

You can't see inside somebody else's head and KNOW with 100% accuracy what's going on in there. Going to MC will NOT accomplish that, so if that's your goal, I think you'll end up disappointed. The desire to be so "in control" of another's mind isn't healthy anyway.

 

You stated earlier that for many years you were out of the home doing sports 3 and 4 nights a week. Unless your wife was with you every minute, it's not a stretch to assume she had to put some faith in you while you were out. Why is it so hard for you to do the same?

 

You can't STOP somebody from cheating. Someone who's determined to do it will do it. You can't keep an eye on your partner 24/7. It's a waste of energy to try. A better way to utilize that energy is to make your marriage as healthy as it can be. That way, there's less motivation for having an affair to begin with.

 

I'll be honest... I'd be pissed off right about now if I was your wife and knew for a fact I hadn't done anything wrong. I mean, it's one thing if she's guilty, but if she's not... you're coming off as controlling, and your questioning of her integrity must then be viewed as disrespectful and demeaning.

 

I think your best bet would be to err on the side of caution before you do so much damage it can't be undone. Gaslighting is a terrible thing, and it's common for cheaters to try to convince a betrayed partner that s/he's imagining things. But being 'Guilty Until Proven Innocent' is ALSO a terrible thing, and as harmful to a marriage IMO as infidelity.

[fxj05]

Thank you for the detailed replies, LB & LJ have gaiven me a lot to think about

 

You know, if it turns out that your wife isn't cheating, which is likely since you don't have any evidence that she is... you are really making a muck of this. The way you're acting right now can cause permanent damage to the relationship... loss of trust, loss of respect, loss of love.

 

If you walk a mile in her shoes, and say... you know you're innocent of any wrong-doing, grilling her like you've been doing is a breach of emotional trust and a de facto accusation of lying. So, if she really is innocent, it ends up being YOU who has caused a huge problem within the marriage. Your attention seems to be solely in catching her out in some kind of dishonesty rather than repairing the relationship dynamics, which would entail RESTORING trust and positive communications.

 

 

My honest feeling is that there is no contact with this OM outside of work and there is no affair, but that doesn't change the fact that things are different since this new job and I honestly feel that is partly due to the attraction to this OM and attention she is receiving at work.

 

I have told her that I do not believe her about certain things. Should I not be honest about how I feel and what I have seen?

 

You know, being married doesn't mean a person is dead. It's normal to notice attractive people, and noticing doesn't mean we have to act on it. I'd find it hard to believe that in 15 years you NEVER had a second look at a pretty woman, or had an enjoyable conversation with an opposite sex co-worker, or anything of that nature.

 

Now I know it is absolutely natural to be attracted to others and that there is little harm in a bit of flirting or even fantasising about others, but when it starts to affect the way you react to your spouse or need to hide it then there is a problem.

 

We have always talked openly about people who we were attracted to from a distance and that was never a problem. She says this guy is good looking but shes not attracted to him, in fact she maintains shes not attracted to anyone.

 

About 4-5months ago we discussed MFM fantasies during sex, and later for my benefit MFMF fantasies, and she was more aroused than I had ever felt her, so I know she is still interested in sex and other men, but shes afraid to admit this to me

 

You stated earlier that for many years you were out of the home doing sports 3 and 4 nights a week. Unless your wife was with you every minute, it's not a stretch to assume she had to put some faith in you while you were out. Why is it so hard for you to do the same?

 

Its not like she hasn't been out of the house either, committee meetings, yoga etc, I just have been out more, but I always believed her before and had no suspiscions until now

[Ladyjane14]

I have told her that I do not believe her about certain things. Should I not be honest about how I feel and what I have seen?

 

What useful purpose does it serve to accuse without evidence? Doesn't it just put the other person on the defensive? Doesn't the conversation then become adversarial?

 

It's one thing to let your partner know that you're feeling insecure and disconnected, to talk it out and share your fears. It's another thing altogether to call her a liar, particularly when you can't back it up with proof.

 

...I know she is still interested in sex and other men, but shes afraid to admit this to me

 

First things first... it's an assumption on your part that she's interested other men. Unless she's come to you and said these words, "I'm interested in other men", you're putting words in her mouth.

 

Secondly, why should she be required to admit any kind of fantasy-based attraction to other men?

It's not abnormal for married people to occasionally fantasize about others, or to keep those thoughts private when they do.

 

Your insistence that you be informed of the innermost workings of her mind can only create MORE emotional distancing rather than less. In order for her to share with you her most private thoughts, she has to believe they are safe with you, that you can be trusted with them, that you will NOT internalize and make these private thoughts be about YOU.

 

But here's what you did instead... you called her a liar.

 

Sure, she might in fact be lying. Who knows?

But if she's not... she's already doin' the time. What's to stop her from doin' the crime?

 

Honestly OP, I see the potential in your situation of creating your own monster. Because if you're wrong and she's innocent... your fears could become your reality.

[Cobra_X30]

fjx05,

 

I tend to agree with LJ, but for a different reason. Your constant grilling and fixation about what your wife is thinking... comes across as complete insecurity! I would wager a strong guess that if you started acting more confident... she would suddenly be more attracted to you.

 

How did it make you feel when she got this new job? Does it make you feel as though she does not need you as much?

[fxj05]

Yes i am insecure recently for a variety of reasons.

 

I suppose I have always been insecure to an extent about my attractiveness, how many aren't, but I am not an overly jealous or insecure person, up til now. I have never really felt threatened to the extent that I do now.

 

My wife is no longer attracted to me, she has told me the spark has gone, she has been distracted and admitted it, she is not really interested in sex with me. Is that not reason enough to be insecure?

 

The new job itself isn't really a big problem, although recently there has been a bit extra burden on me, looking after kids, making dinner, Saturday work, taking work home etc.

 

Yes I feel neglected with the amount of focus she has with work and resent that, but its not the main problem.

 

From early on in this job I have been insecure about the way she talked about one of her good looking male colleagues. I was most definitely jealous that my W found this guy attractive and that is down to my insecurities, but I can't discount everything else to my petty jealousy or insecurities.

[Cobra_X30]

I'm not saying you chalk the whole situation up to your insecurity!

 

I'm saying get some confidance man! Show her that you dont need her, that your strong and independant! Make her understand that you dont need her... you want her!

 

Also how pushy have you been about getting your sex life back on track?

[PollyIvy]

The other people have said some good things that I agree with: suspiciousness is so unattractive, your wife is pulling away from you, etc. I also relate to her behaviour. After all those years raising kids, she is changing and moving on to a different time of life, and you had better keep up with her! She may want, need attention, to feel attractive, and is just not getting that in the same-old same-old of long term marriage. This is definitely a time when affairs happen, and if she knows that she wouldn't lose you if that were to happen, then what's stopping her?

I also agree that she just might want you to fight for her attention or woo her a bit, make a bit effort. It's great that you lost weight, and great that she wants to lose weight, wear make up, and make herself attractive. You should show your appreciation of that instead of being threatened by it.

[angelj]

I found this post to be interesting...and each response was very well-written.

 

Please keep us posted, FX. I do not have any experience when it comes to marriage, but quite a bit in the realm of dating and love triangles, as I was involved in a few in my earlier years...

 

From being the OW in the past I do remember noticing the excitement from the committed Male (who I would form a "bond" with) upon arrival at work...putting emphasis on his appearance...making references to his significant other about me, always using the "friends" term...

 

Unfortunately...this was always how it began...and somewhere along the line it ended up in disaster for all parties involved. Meaning...the committed man ended up cheating and/or leaving the initial GF for the OW...in those cases, myself.

 

But - this was not ever involving marriage or children....I have not yet reached that stage of life and I feel it is not exactly on my level.

 

However I will agree with the majority of posters and I will second the notion that your wife is intrigued by a confident man. My thoughts are - she expressed confidence in another male to make you jealous? To see that you do want her...not that you need her (thanks cobra) and to instigate some kind of spark..."he is here because he WANTS to be....not because we are married and have children and well, it is what is comfortable and easy." I will try not to make a generalization here, but I find that women don't always say what they mean...(most men will agree?) The majority of us have a difficult time saying point blank...what we want. We think you should be able to over-analyze the things we say and dig out the hidden agenda...talk about the confidence of another male to make you aware there is someone else sparking interest but also get your butt in gear to say HEY I'm confident...I'm sexy...and I want you because I find you to be confident and sexy too?

 

I find myself slipping in similar words to men I am casually dating/involved with when I feel myself getting bored....or wanting more from the situation? It does not mean I want to give up on it...just that I need something more...also for myself - being with a male that lacks confidence is frustrating enough...and only becomes more irritating when a male full of confidence enters the picture and gives me a taste of what MY man could be...

 

Am I making any sense? I posted a rant earlier about romance at the workplace with a committed person...however I finally feel like that part of me has died off...(like LB earlier stated...) and it sure as hell was not a light bulb effect. It has actually been a gradual learning process and, at times, a war in my mind. It is very simple to fall into the role of the OW/OM.

 

I also once read somewhere on here that Love is nothing more than a choice....I find that very interesting to think about as well...

 

Some of us are wired differently than others...

 

Good luck and please keep us posted.

[fxj05]

Thanks for the replies, I havn't been updating this thread as I started a new thread on the infidelity forum 'Beginnings of an emotional affair' because I had shown this thread to my W.

 

Things have been improving and we are going into business together, which seems to have given her the emotional validation she needed from me. I have noticed a huge change in her love and affection since we decided this.

 

My jealous behaviour didn't help but her affection toward me in the last few days made me even more convinced that something was up over the last 4 months.

 

I'm confident that it wasn't a PA and that some of it was due to the validation she was getting at work, but I know she was giving another man more of her attention and that hurts.

 

It hurts even more so because she can't admit that anything was wrong at all now and is putting the whole thing down to my insecurity. I know she lied to me about her motives for things and she lied to me about what she did on some of her lunch breaks, but I can't prove it.

 

I still hold out hope that she will be more honest so that I can put it behind me and not be left wondering what it was all about.

[Cobra_X30]

Put it behind you anyways! Look she didnt touch any other guys... right?

 

You already admit that your crazy jealous ways hurt the marriage. Stop now before you do more harm than good!

 

I think you should work on your confidence level!

[fxj05]

Don't get me wrong when I say my jealousy is the problem, we have been together 15 years, married 11 and I have never been worried like this before, nor accused her of being attracted to someone else during our marriage.

 

I think MC will be useful to explore both my jealous feelings and what she has been feeling, because to be honest I am still really confused, only a couple weeks ago, the spark had died a bit and she didn't need be as much.

 

Now she can't wait to work together and the affection has returned. How do I know what next week will bring? What exactly the last 4 months have been about? Whether any of this will re-surface unless she talks to me about it and shes not really doing that

 

Shes just saying that we should stop talking about the past and look to the future, which I would like to do, but only when I make sense of it all.

[LucreziaBorgia]

If she feels she dodged a bullet and got away with it, nothing will make her want to step back into its path.

 

If you try to take this on yourself, you will get nothing but feints, denial and continued sweetness surrounding the words "lets just forget the past, none of that matters". She'll have you focusing so hard on the sweet stuff that you won't even notice the bitterness inside of it.

 

If you are still going to MC, I would strongly suggest bringing up your concerns there, with an objective third party who will force things to stay on the right track conversationwise. A MC won't let the sweetness distract from the matters at hand.

[fxj05]

We attended our first session of MC today and I'm not really sure what to expect. Ok it was the first session and it will take the MC some time to get to grips with our issues, but we just talked the same sh*t we always talk, getting nowhere.

 

Me highlighting all the issues that brought us to this point and her denying everything, saying the neglect of our sex life was all due to medical problems, that she isn't attracted to another man, that she never lied to me even though I caught her out on a couple of small ones.

 

The MC didn't get involved, just listened and asked what we wanted to achieve etc.

 

What I would like to achieve is that she would be really honest with me and remorseful, but she is in denial and can't admit to herself let alone me that there was an attraction to someone else and that this had a big affect on our marriage.

 

At times when I talk from the heart and she is feeling emotional, like last night, I sometimes think I am getting through, she says things like 'I've dug a hole for myself that I can't get out of' or 'I feel so bad that I've let it come to this' ie MC, that and I think she be going to open up.

 

But it passes and the next time we talk the W is so adamant that she has never told me lies or that she has nothing to feel guilty about, that I don't see any way that my W is ever going to change her reasons or explanations for the things that happened.

 

What should I expect as a realistic outcome from MC?

 

I would like the MC to take control and ask questions that may lead to the truth, offer opinions on things etc

 

Is this too much to expect? Will the MC just let us talk to we are blue in the face and then tell us to move on and forget the past?

 

If that is the case there's not much point going back.

 

What do people with experience of MC think?