Remember me?! Update, 4 months later

[corey.the.star]

I was dating a MM for almost 4 months and fell totally in love with him.

 

When I realized that he wasn't as ready to end his marriage as he wanted himself to be, we ended the relationship but tried to be friends.

 

Then he stopped contacting me.

 

I moved on, even though I was a mess.

 

I started dating someone else, and just as that relationship started to fall apart, the MM came back into my life.

 

He has now re-established communication with his mother, whom he had not spoken to as a result of an ultimatum from his wife. He is living with his mother right now. He has given up on his marriage.

 

We've re-established the physical part of our relationship. The emotional part - I'm not so sure I can ever allow myself to feel for him the way I felt before.

 

What's the point of this post?! To say, I suppose, that the quiet dignity always wins. And also, to say... once bitten twice shy.

[With_In_My_Eyes]

So this is only a physical relationship now. Or are you looking to get the emotional part back with him?

[corey.the.star]

For now it's physical. We have excellent sexual chemistry. As far as the emotions go, he tricked me into thinking he loved me before, so I'm really going to be careful about believing it the second time. I'm not sure where he's at and I'm not sure where he's at as far as wanting to be emotionally connected as well. I know we enjoy each other, and we're both going through transitions in our lives. It might turn out that that's all we have, and we'll be transitional partners and then we'll move on. Or we might come together really strongly because of the transition.

 

The answer is: I'm not sure. I don't know if I CAN have the emotions back, so I'm not sure if I want them. I'm not going to force it.

[norajane]

Once bitten twice shy?

 

That should mean you wouldn't get involved with a MM again, but you have gotten involved again, and with the same MM!

 

Are there really no better men than he out there for a shag? Seriously? Why put up with a liar?

[JamesM]

Once bitten twice shy?

 

That should mean you wouldn't get involved with a MM again, but you have gotten involved again, and with the same MM!

 

Are there really no better men than he out there for a shag? Seriously? Why put up with a liar?

 

Ditto. I don't think you have left him at all. You have returned to him because at present it seems he has given up on is marriage. I think I speak for many when I say that a man is married ALWAYS until he is divorced. What I mean is that unless he has signed the divorce papers, he can (and many/most do) return to his wife yet.

 

Being connected to him physically is less than one step away from being emotionally connected with him. Many women cannot keep the two separated for long. And in your case, I think you are connected emotionally, but you have kept them in check so far.

 

I say this kindly. The path you have chosen with him may once again lead to anguish and disappointment.

[silktricks]

If you don't have an emotional connection with him, then leave him. Find some cool SINGLE guy to connect with. You can find good sexual energy from a number of sources, but without an emotional connection you don't really have much. Might as well get a vibrator:lmao:

[RealityCheck]

If you don't have an emotional connection with him, then leave him. Find some cool SINGLE guy to connect with. You can find good sexual energy from a number of sources, but without an emotional connection you don't really have much. Might as well get a vibrator:lmao:

 

:lmao::lmao:

 

That's for sure! AND; Vibrators do not lie, cheat, or make you wait to have sex!......lol

[sadbuttrue]

:lmao::lmao:

 

That's for sure! AND; Vibrators do not lie, cheat, or make you wait to have sex!......lol

 

and they dont get pissed when you talk to other vibrators

[PoshPrincess]

and they dont get pissed when you talk to other vibrators

 

and you NEVER find a vibrator goes home to his W at the end of the evening. Or in the case of the BS/WS, they never tell you they're off to work/out playing squash, etc, when really they're with another woman!

 

Corey, if I thought you really loved this guy then I would said, be careful, but go for it.....if it really is just physical, then what's the point? Get out now before it gets more than physical!

[frannie]

I was dating a MM for almost 4 months and fell totally in love with him.

 

When I realized that he wasn't as ready to end his marriage as he wanted himself to be, we ended the relationship but tried to be friends.

 

Then he stopped contacting me.

 

I moved on, even though I was a mess.

 

I started dating someone else, and just as that relationship started to fall apart, the MM came back into my life.

 

He has now re-established communication with his mother, whom he had not spoken to as a result of an ultimatum from his wife. He is living with his mother right now. He has given up on his marriage.

 

We've re-established the physical part of our relationship. The emotional part - I'm not so sure I can ever allow myself to feel for him the way I felt before.

 

What's the point of this post?! To say, I suppose, that the quiet dignity always wins. And also, to say... once bitten twice shy.

 

So you're having sex with the same MM, after 4 months of not speaking to him..?

 

... and this is progress..?

 

Anyway, welcome back to the site, we didn't meet the last time.

[pricillia]

I think that it is emotional or you would not have been a mess the last time. I remember you.

 

You are just setting yourself up to get hurt again, For me and that is only me I can not get involved with someone that I am not emotionally attached to, what an empty feeling I would feel without that.

[corey.the.star]

Hmm... interesting things to read, for sure.

 

I have to admit that I am a naive person. And that sometimes, I need to learn from experience. And that I hope I'm doing that right now.

 

Things are more emotional than I wanted them to be. I'm scared because I have that memory of the hurt. I guess I'm not really once bitten twice shy.

 

He has truly left his wife. He is living with his mother and has already started support payments. His aim is for custody of all three children - and his wife is a crazy person. I know there are three sides to every story - his, hers, and the truth - but there is no excuse for anyone to behave the way that she is behaving. He told her recently that he has a lawyer, and her response what to the effect that she is going to take him for everything she can.

 

I hope that, come trial time, they get a reasonable judge who can see that her interests are her own and not those of her children, and that the judge awards custody to him.

 

I think things might be happening too soon. I know that I am not high on his list of priorities. So I have to not allow him to be so high on MY list of priorities.

 

As far as progress from where the situation was before - it's like this: I never felt like he lied to me any more than he lied to himself. When I realized that he was lying to himself, I called him on it, and when he realized that he wasn't being fair to me, we decided to take our relationship out of the equation. That led to 4 months of NC because it was difficult for both of us... I still loved him and he still loved me.

 

A Shakespearean tragedy...?

 

He's not a supergreat communicator - often I have to rephrase questions until I feel like I'm getting the truth from him (or at least, an answer that isn't "I don't know")... but I'm not an unreasonable sort, and as time passes and he comes to realize that, he becomes a little more trusting.

 

He was with his wife for 4 years, and she abused him physically, emotionally and financially. That's not something that goes away immediately.

 

We talk about things, like, I told him sometimes I feel like I'm paying for the way his wife treated him for the past 4 years - as in, I sometimes feel like he makes assumptions about me based on how his wife would react to certain situations - and he is receptive to that.

 

I don't know where things will end up. I don't know where they're going. I do know that the memory of the heartache is still very fresh, and while being with him is part surreal dream and part comfortable sweatshirt, I am hyper-vigilant to warning signs that he's not being honest with himself - and, by extension, me - again.

 

On a lighter note, I was coming out of an effed up relationship when he contacted me again, and I've been through a lot of turbulence these past 4 months - and this whole situation has inspired me to write creatively again...

 

It's the OCD that he objects to mostly, I think. Sure, I'm a little OCD, but aren't we all, in our own way? But it's like, the more I pull the more he pushes - which logistically will never bring us together. I can't save him, although I want to try. He's the kind who, as soon as you look at him, you can tell that he needs a mom. That's the danger.

 

Can I ever be sure of my motives? Am I in love, or am I just petrified to be alone? Do I want to share my life with him or do I worry that I'll never find anyone else to share it with?

 

Can one ever recover fully from a broken heart?

 

Sometimes the clarity is crystal for me, others I wander around in a haze of confusion and disillusionment. Lately, I've been trying to figure out who I am, really, when you take everyone else out of my life. When it's just me, and me alone, what do I need?

 

It's like archy the cockroach said when he saw the moth self-immolate on a candle: the moth was crazy for doing it, but goddammit if archy wouldn't give anything to be that passionate about something, anything, even if it killed him.

[whichwayisup]

All I will tell you, give him time, space and let him sort out his life. I seriously wouldn't even bother trying to have ANY real relationship with him for atleast a year, if not more. He also should be encouraged to seek one on one counselling to deal with the fallout, the abuse he took. THAT DOES do damage, whether or not he wants to admit that outloud, it is there. Just because the woman is the abuser and the man is the victim, doesn't mean he isn't suffering...He may just be too pigheaded to ask for help, so just gently suggest to him to try counselling.

 

As for his children, they are HIS children. Back off completely there. His wife is STILL mother of those children and if the courts allow her access to their kids, respect that. With that being said, I hope she gets the help she needs, and does therapy as well. Infact, those children could probably use family counselling seeing as what they've all been through.

 

Good luck and I hope you give this man his space and don't try to walk in and take over. Not saying you will, but the last thing those kids need is the OW walking in and being step mom to them.

[corey.the.star]

Believe me, whichway, I am in no rush to step into any role like that.

 

I realize that his wife is the mother of these kids, and that I respect that. I would like to see her get counseling - after all, children need a strong sense of identity and a lot of that will come from parenting, and I was the victim of a flaky divorcee - but I don't think that she will admit that she has a problem.

 

Yes, I agree that he needs tons of space. Which is why I'm not pushing him to put me higher on his list of priorities.

 

I am good to be where I am right now, relationship-wise. I need to do my own self-examination and make a lot of decisions for myself that can't involve anyone else, so I won't presume to involve myself in his decision making.

 

I would provide assistance if he asks me - to a limited extent. I will encourage him to seek counseling once he feels comfortable enough with how his divorce is proceeding. Right now I see him getting taken for everything - his wife living rent free in their house while he pays more than enough child support, for example... so, him on the hook for everything financially - and I'm encouraging him to empower himself to gain footing in the situation, but I won't presume to do any of the work for him.

 

Although I can totally see how people in situations such as these would let their emotions run wild - I can't tell you how often I've wanted to vomit just hearing him tell me things about his wife, on account of how disgusting her behaviour is - I will continue to be the steady, grounded, balanced, quiet and dignified person I have been throughout, and allow him to be the expert on his own situation, and trust that he'll do what is best for himself and for his children, and that if that leaves room for me somewhere, and if I have time for it, we'll connect.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I can understand your ambivalence. Being involved with a man without having to be involved with his baggage is one thing, being involved with a man AND his baggage is quite another.

[mourningMM]

Believe a MM when he says his wife is a crazy person, it is usually an excuse to behave the way he wants to.

 

A man is not really available until he introduces you to his ex-wife as his girlfriend; if that is not possible RUN SCREAMING FOR THE DOOR.

 

Personally, once I've had an emotional relationship, it is impossible to be just physical. I've had 2 affairs, one with a married man; one with a man that was, well, not into committment.

 

Both lasted for almost 4 years, each had "breaks" for months at a time. But men will always come back for mind-blowing sex, even after months. But just becasue they come back it doesn't mean that they are really attached.

It may just mean that they are horney, and you have been playing on the XXX-rated screen in their mind when they are getting off.

 

And rememember in the male world, if you are getting pleasure out of the physical relationship, you should be satisfied with just getting that because THAT IS WHAT A MAN CAN DO.

 

I don't know if any other women can do that; I know I can't.

[corey.the.star]

A man is not really available until he introduces you to his ex-wife as his girlfriend; if that is not possible RUN SCREAMING FOR THE DOOR.

 

Good point, Mourning. Good point indeed.

[on_my_way_out]

Great chemistry???? I have read and found that if you are attracted to someone because of great chemistry for sex....run like hell......peoples chemistry change....

 

If she is such a wack nut job and has abused him, my is he at momies and the kids with the W. She should not have them if that is the case. Now or never if that is true.

 

I am sure we will see you around here if you do not disconnect and let their stuff run its course.

[corey.the.star]

For all of those who implied that my MM was lying to me about his wife, and to those who undermined my assessment of his wife, I wanted to provide a quick update:

 

His wife jumped ship yesterday. Without the children.

 

My MM got a call at work from the police saying that no one had showed up to pick up his daughter from school. When he and the police brought his daughter home, they found the baby in the care of someone who had no idea how to change a diaper even (7 wk old baby), who was so relieved to see my MM so he no longer had to be responsible for the baby.

 

The 2 year old was already at MM's mother's house.

 

The wife is gone - no one knows where or for how long. One thing is for sure, though... she has forfeited her own right to be sold custodian of her children.

 

I choose to remain supportive to my MM because he needs and appreciates it. I'm not sure where things will end up, but I'm ok with the way they are right now.

[underpants]

For all of those who implied that my MM was lying to me about his wife, and to those who undermined my assessment of his wife, I wanted to provide a quick update:

 

His wife jumped ship yesterday. Without the children.

 

My MM got a call at work from the police saying that no one had showed up to pick up his daughter from school. When he and the police brought his daughter home, they found the baby in the care of someone who had no idea how to change a diaper even (7 wk old baby), who was so relieved to see my MM so he no longer had to be responsible for the baby.

 

The 2 year old was already at MM's mother's house.

 

The wife is gone - no one knows where or for how long. One thing is for sure, though... she has forfeited her own right to be sold custodian of her children.

 

I choose to remain supportive to my MM because he needs and appreciates it. I'm not sure where things will end up, but I'm ok with the way they are right now.

 

This tells me that you were involved with a MM while his wife was pregnant with their child.

 

Now that baby is 7 weeks old and you two have re-kindled your romance.

 

His wife may be crazy or just suffering from some untreated form of postpartum depression. Some of her crazyness could also be due to what she has and is enduring. Does she know about her husband's infidelity?

 

It all sounds very unhealthy to me.

[corey.the.star]

In fact, I was involved with MM when his wife was pregnant with SOMEONE ELSE'S baby.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t118996/

[whichwayisup]

This whole situation is messed up and I feel badly and sad for ALL the little kids involved. They are the ones who are being hurt by the so-called adults here.

 

It's your life and you're going to do what you're going to do, but don't get TOO involved too quickly. This man's life is a MESS and FULL of drama. His wife is STILL his wife and whether he likes it or not, he IS responsible for her wellbeing because she is the mother of his kids. One day after she gets the mental help she needs, those kids should still be in her life. I just hope that you and the MM don't try to steal them completely away from her.

 

His wife may be crazy or just suffering from some untreated form of postpartum depression. Some of her crazyness could also be due to what she has and is enduring.

I agree. Obviously he loved her enough at some point in time to marry her, have children with her.

In fact, I was involved with MM when his wife was pregnant with SOMEONE ELSE'S baby.

You know this 100% or is this what your MM has told you? Remember, this guy has been good at lying and deceiving for quite a long time now...I wouldn't be fully trusting of him.

[corey.the.star]

This whole situation is messed up and I feel badly and sad for ALL the little kids involved. They are the ones who are being hurt by the so-called adults here.

 

One day after she gets the mental help she needs, those kids should still be in her life. I just hope that you and the MM don't try to steal them completely away from her.

 

Agreed that the children are the ones who are really being hurt.

 

I would never dream of encouraging him to steal his children away from his wife, nor would I participate in that. But she does need help, and if she ever comes back from wherever she's gone to I hope she gets it. Children need to have both parents, but above all, children need stability. A mother who would abandon her children doesn't seem to me to be the type to provide stability.

 

Further, I'm not jumping into the mommy role. I'm not prepared or willing to do that.

 

His wife is STILL his wife and whether he likes it or not, he IS responsible for her wellbeing because she is the mother of his kids.

 

I disagree with this - he had been trying to work things out with his wife and she refused to work with him. He is now responsible for his well-being and the well-being of his children. His wife is responsible for herself, and ideally, also the well-being of her children.

 

It should be noted that, while they are married legally and in name, it's only because they have not yet divorced. The marriage is over. Should I stop calling him my MM now?!

 

You know this 100% or is this what your MM has told you? Remember, this guy has been good at lying and deceiving for quite a long time now...I wouldn't be fully trusting of him.

 

I know this 100% BECAUSE this is what my MM has told me. I'm not sure where you get the idea that he's some expert liar, because he has not lied to me that wasn't a direct result of him lying to himself (in which case it doesn't really count as lying). Nor did he lie to his wife. Further evidence of the vasectomy are the conversations where we discuss what would happen if he and I wanted to have children, and he would have to reverse his vasectomy, in which case there's a time limit, etc etc.

 

I fully believe that he hasn't lied to me, and I don't feel naive saying that. Obviously I want to believe the best about him, but this is an objective observation (or he's a really good liar - a pro - in which case I would have found out by now... it only took me about 8 weeks with my previous lying scumbag of a boyfriend, but that's another story).

[mourningMM]

[it should be noted that, while they are married legally and in name, it's only because they have not yet divorced. The marriage is over. Should I stop calling him my MM now?!

/QUOTE]

 

You can't call him anything else, because a man is married legally, whether or not it is in name only has nothing to do with the designation. If he isn't divorced he is married.

 

Allowing yourself to think of him as single and completely available to you would be lying to yourself. Please don't.

 

Keep your eyes wide open, understand that when there is a divorce in the offing, any behavior that is not agreed to in a separation agreement constitues adultery.

 

If you love this guy, or even just like him, let him know that you want him to be really sure that he and his current wife need to get all of the paperwork in place before you can really feel comfortable being with him. And that because you care for him, you don't want to give anyone ammunition during the divorce settlement.

 

If you want to be a friend, stay away from him until he really is no longer married.

[pureinheart]

Hmm... interesting things to read, for sure.

 

I have to admit that I am a naive person. And that sometimes, I need to learn from experience. And that I hope I'm doing that right now.

 

Things are more emotional than I wanted them to be. I'm scared because I have that memory of the hurt. I guess I'm not really once bitten twice shy.

 

He has truly left his wife. He is living with his mother and has already started support payments. His aim is for custody of all three children - and his wife is a crazy person. I know there are three sides to every story - his, hers, and the truth - but there is no excuse for anyone to behave the way that she is behaving. He told her recently that he has a lawyer, and her response what to the effect that she is going to take him for everything she can.

 

I hope that, come trial time, they get a reasonable judge who can see that her interests are her own and not those of her children, and that the judge awards custody to him.

 

I think things might be happening too soon. I know that I am not high on his list of priorities. So I have to not allow him to be so high on MY list of priorities.

 

As far as progress from where the situation was before - it's like this: I never felt like he lied to me any more than he lied to himself. When I realized that he was lying to himself, I called him on it, and when he realized that he wasn't being fair to me, we decided to take our relationship out of the equation. That led to 4 months of NC because it was difficult for both of us... I still loved him and he still loved me.

 

A Shakespearean tragedy...?

 

He's not a supergreat communicator - often I have to rephrase questions until I feel like I'm getting the truth from him (or at least, an answer that isn't "I don't know")... but I'm not an unreasonable sort, and as time passes and he comes to realize that, he becomes a little more trusting.

 

He was with his wife for 4 years, and she abused him physically, emotionally and financially. That's not something that goes away immediately.

 

We talk about things, like, I told him sometimes I feel like I'm paying for the way his wife treated him for the past 4 years - as in, I sometimes feel like he makes assumptions about me based on how his wife would react to certain situations - and he is receptive to that.

 

I don't know where things will end up. I don't know where they're going. I do know that the memory of the heartache is still very fresh, and while being with him is part surreal dream and part comfortable sweatshirt, I am hyper-vigilant to warning signs that he's not being honest with himself - and, by extension, me - again.

 

On a lighter note, I was coming out of an effed up relationship when he contacted me again, and I've been through a lot of turbulence these past 4 months - and this whole situation has inspired me to write creatively again...

 

It's the OCD that he objects to mostly, I think. Sure, I'm a little OCD, but aren't we all, in our own way? But it's like, the more I pull the more he pushes - which logistically will never bring us together. I can't save him, although I want to try. He's the kind who, as soon as you look at him, you can tell that he needs a mom. That's the danger.

 

Can I ever be sure of my motives? Am I in love, or am I just petrified to be alone? Do I want to share my life with him or do I worry that I'll never find anyone else to share it with?

 

Can one ever recover fully from a broken heart?

 

Sometimes the clarity is crystal for me, others I wander around in a haze of confusion and disillusionment. Lately, I've been trying to figure out who I am, really, when you take everyone else out of my life. When it's just me, and me alone, what do I need?

 

 

It's like archy the cockroach said when he saw the moth self-immolate on a candle: the moth was crazy for doing it, but goddammit if archy wouldn't give anything to be that passionate about something, anything, even if it killed him.

 

 

Hi Corey....I haven't been on for awhile, although have missed LS. Your situation sounds simular to mine...

 

Here's a brief background....MM and I worked together and we got involved. This went on for 2 plus years. The whole family was/is nuts, MM seemed to be the almost sane one out of the bunch, although that isn't saying much (now that they are divorcing, he is a fairly normal person).

 

His family, and I use that term loosely, treated him like crap, and I am sure he gave it back....it was really a disgusting situation.

 

Finally I could not take it any longer and cut it off with him and he did not want to let go....that was a mess. Then after a few months of NC his family decides to after me...the things that they proceeded to do showed me what a "classey" bunch they all were.

 

Then a few months later a mutual friend tells me of the separation....he contacted me shortly after that.

 

It has been about 4 or 5 months now and I have to tell you it is very weird....all of the changes we have both undergone. I find myself very numb and not quite as "anxious" to see him as I did before. Some of this could be due to health issues and the meds I have to take.

 

He has made some very good changes, and is doing much better than I expected on his own. He was a mess when we first started talking again, but is just about back to where he was when we split....I know I was a possitive aspect....actually we both do much better together.

 

I am blocked off emotionally because he is unable to say and do what I need....and rightly so, he was in that psycho relationship for over 30 yrs and needs time....yet he does love me deeply and I know it...if I ever knew anything it is that....he needs to find his heart.

 

I really hope everything works out for you Corey....please just know that God has the man that is perfect for us out there. He will either "create" them for us or He will send someone new at the perfect time....for me, he came over last night and he looked sooooo good....I saw that man again that I once fell in love with, all of those feelings that I have blocked off came back....you know Corey, the man calls me three or four times a day, tells me he loves me more than he ever did, if I don't answer the phone he comes over to make sure I'm okay......

 

Thinking I am the one with the problem here....

 

God Bless you Corey and good luck!