Is this normal for a step dad to look at a step daughter

[nittygritty]

You can't trust this man around your kids ever again.

 

Pedophiles can't be cured. Quit listening to his nonsense and focus on protecting your kids and getting a divorce from this creep.

 

Please don't gamble with your kids safety. Your husband is a predator and you need him out of your kids lives, permanantly.

[Nek]

I think that he should be seperated from your daughter. I don't think you should be too quick in labeling him a pedophile. Granted, after 7 years he should have had the westermarck effect keep him from ever seeing your daughter that way, its possible that it was a brief stint of curiosity backed by normal male stupidity when it comes to seeing naked young women.

 

I'm not saying give him a chance as a partner or parent, but rather, as a person. Dump him if you have to, but don't condemn him until you've had some expert opinion from his counselling sessions confirming whether he is a predator or just grossly irresponsible and stupid.

[loveinlife]

I agree with everyone! it is horrible.

[Zona76]

I think you should be concerned.

ALSO your daughter needs to be told to keep her bedroom door closed.

AND to the groupie's reading this I'm not blaming this 17 yr old girl. But she has no need to invite trouble.

ANY man would look. That's normal. But to gawk to the point of getting caught is not in the norm.

I certainly hope the OP has told her daughter to keep her door closed.

[vivi]

I'm terribly sorry for you. What a horrible shock. You've learned something ugly and terrible about someone you loved and trusted. It might be normal male curiosity and stupidity, but this isn't him looking at other women on the beach, this is your daughter, just out of childhood, that he watched grow up, that lives in the same house with him, that he would protect and care for if he were a normal man. this is incredibly deviant behavior and he has to leave.

[suga]

He has problems/issues going on inside of him, and now he's been caught, he's ashamed, disguisted with himself.

 

My guess is that he's ashamed cause he's been caught...but I doubt very much that he's not disgusted with himself... He will just be more careful next time....

 

I agree

 

its an act!

 

LIE DETECTOR?!!!...LMFAO...**** HIM...SO WHAT...HE DID IT ONCE...ITS OVER ITS DONE...HE GOT HIS ROCKS OFF...HE IS JERKING OFF THINKING OF HER...HE GOT CAUGHT...HE WILL TAKE IT OUT ON HER...

 

Is she supposed to get along with this man?...for the sake of living with him and keeping a nice family environment?...or is she supposed to stand up to him in the name of his family and love of her mother?...the message of staying with him is going to **** HER UP FOR LIFE...AND DESTROY YOUR FAMILY!!!!!!...the more you wait around being fickle about justifying his lame **** ass the more ****ed up your daughters future is going to be and your whole goddamn family will suffer for the rest of your ****ing life!!!!

[PandorasBox]

I'm sorry you're going through this.This is rreally terrible. I really don't have much to add, that some other's haven't already said.

 

The whole thing makes me sick just hearing about it. I can't imagine how you must feel. Do what you feel you need to do, but don't put things off much longer.

[suga]

Here is some lyrics you can dedicate to him...

 

[sIZE=4]EAMON LYRICS

 

[/sIZE][FONT=Verdana][COLOR=#000000][sIZE=2]**** It (I Don't Want You Back)

[/sIZE]

[FONT=Verdana]

Whoa oh oh

Ooh hooh

No No No

 

[Verse 1:]

See, I dont know why I liked you so much

I gave you all, of my trust

I told you, I loved you, now thats all down the drain

Ya put me through pain, I wanna let u know how I feel

 

[Chorus:]

**** what I said it dont mean **** now

**** the presents might as well throw em out

**** all those kisses, they didn't mean jack

**** you, you hoe, I dont want you back

 

**** what I said it dont mean **** now

**** the presents might as well throw em out

**** all those kisses they didn't mean jack

**** you, you hoe, I dont want you back

 

[Verse 2:]

You thought, you could

Keep this **** from me, yeah

Ya burnt bitch, I heard the story

Ya played me, ya even gave him head

Now ya askin for me back

Ya just another act, look elsewhere

Cuz ya done with me

 

**** what I said it dont mean **** now

**** the presents might as well throw em out

**** all those kisses they didn't mean jack

**** you, you hoe, I dont want you back

 

**** what I said it dont mean **** now

**** the presents might as well throw em out

**** all those kisses they didn't mean jack

**** you, you hoe, I dont want you back

 

Oh oh

Uh huh yeah

Oh oh

Uh huh yeah

Oh oh

Uh huh yeah

Oh oh

Uh huh yeah

 

Ya questioned, did I care

You could ask anyone, I even said

Ya were my great one

Now its, over, but I do admit I'm sad.

It hurts real bad, I cant sweat that, cuz I loved a hoe

 

**** what I said it dont mean **** now

**** the presents might as well throw em out

**** all those kisses they didn't mean jack

**** you, you hoe, I dont want you back

 

Oh oh

Uh huh yeah

Oh oh

Uh huh yeah

Oh oh

Uh huh yeah

Oh oh

Uh huh yeah

[until the end]

[/FONT][/COLOR][/FONT]

[vivi]

I agree with suga, although I wouldn't put it quite that strongly. Your daughter needs one parent who will protect her and look out for her interests. As long as he's in the home, the potential for her being victimized by her step father will ALWAYS be there and the psychic damage to your daughter will follow her for the rest of her life, screwing up her self image and all her relationships. I speak from experience. She won't be able to trust anyone...not men because the one man who was supposed to protect her saw her as an object, not women because the one woman who was supposed to protect her didn't do it. And her self image will plummet because if her own mother doesn't look out for her and take care of her, then she must not be worth loving. She'll conclude that a stepfather looking at her naked is acceptable. And I hate to say it, but that cycle will continue with the man she eventually marries. You can't just do this for your child. You have to do this for your grandchildren, too. Good luck to you and stay strong. There's no second chances here. I'm so sorry.

[suga]

I agree with suga, although I wouldn't put it quite that strongly.

 

Yeah I know that I am probably not making her feal better about her situation with my anger...and Im really sorry that she is with someone like this...my ex husband was making coments about little girls...but he was saying it to where I did not know if he was joking...he also had been molested by his mother at age 10...I felt like he needed help...I left for a while but went back to him because I felt sorry for him...but in the end I needed to protect myself and stand up to the wrong he was commiting against these children.

 

Also my mom at age 52 let a 24-26yrs old man live with me at ages 12-14 yrs...she was having a sexual relationship with him that they kept secret...she was friends with his whole family and he needed a place to live after his wife commited suicide...at 14 he started trying to say he loves me...he wanted me to kiss him...I said no...he still persisted...I gave in...I felt sorry for him too!!!...he said he loved me and I was hurting him...the next day he took my virginity...my mom suspected these things...she was screaming at both of us asking if there was anything going on...still did not remove him from the house...after 3 weeks I told a cousin and my mom found out...word on the street that guy is a homeless crack head now cause his green card got taken away and he married the first woman he met to stay here and she ran him into the ground...LOL...AND HE BLAMES ME FOR HAVING A BIG MOUTH!!!!!!!....LMAO...what a pathetic loser.

 

Anyway about 9 months later I was 15 and my sister was pregnant with her husbands second child...they were 28...he had been making passes at me...I did not want to accept it was happening...then one day he lifted my shirt and grabbed my tit...I pushed him away and told him off...I was scared...I did not say anything but my mom was always spying on me after the other guy...so I wrote what happened in a diary and she read it...she threw him out...but my sister stayed with him...he came back to live at my moms with me as soon as I was of legal age...THEY LET HIM BACK HERE!!!...my sister, him, and THEIR CHILDREN! were calling me a hoe!...I was fighting with them all the time and he has caused me to get staples in my head one time by hitting me over the head with a chair...he also has cause me to go to the hospital for breaking my nose...MY MOM STILL LETS HIM STAY HERE!!!!

 

So I am sorry for being so harsh...its just you being so indecisive is really hitting a nerve with me.

 

I have picked men like that also...I am not judging you for that...I totally understand that your head messed up from this...I am also angry at myself for enabling people to behave pervertedly...just trying to support you from making the wrong choice...trust me it is *NOT* a light matter.

[suga]

ANY man would look. That's normal.

 

BULL****!!!

 

My father would NEVER do that!!!

 

Im not saying my father is perfect but I can gaurantee you that he is a MAN not a dead pathetic hopeless loser.

 

My fathers example is one that has probably given me alot of strength to make better choices than my mom and sister has.

 

Its women that are willing to settle for less that keeps these men on top of their game.

[Lizzie60]

Not all men would look...

 

In fact, good fathers or any good man don't.

 

It is 'creepy' for a guy to sneak out and try to look at a child getting undressed.

 

It is the mother's responsibility to protect her children against any kind of predators.

 

If I would have doubt anything like that with my first ex (he was the step dad), while my daughter was home... I would have kick him to the curb.. no questions asked.... First of all, I know I wouldn't be able to even stay in the same house with a creep like that... eewwwww

 

My children are and will always be my most precious treasures...

[tinktronik]

I think you should be concerned.

ALSO your daughter needs to be told to keep her bedroom door closed.

AND to the groupie's reading this I'm not blaming this 17 yr old girl. But she has no need to invite trouble.

ANY man would look. That's normal. But to gawk to the point of getting caught is not in the norm.

I certainly hope the OP has told her daughter to keep her door closed.

No Zona , not any man would look . Most

[suga]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pd_p1A7WVNs

 

 

this is a good song for your situation

 

 

I wouldnt even say most...I would say ALOT of men would look...it does *NOT* make it acceptable...and it is not something that should just be explained away as typical male behavior so "therefore he has no control and should stay." Its not ok just cause there are lots of pervs lurking the streets...ALOT of people smoke crack too...alot of people do alot of things that they should be punished for...thats not the point if alot of people do bad things...the point is that you need to protect your family.

 

See that would be the problem with your daughter if she gets abused...NOBODY CARES!!!...WHY?...BECAUSE ALOT OF PEOPLE ARE ABUSED!!!...which probably explains your confusion about what should be done in this situation.

[Lostgurl]

I think you should be concerned.

ALSO your daughter needs to be told to keep her bedroom door closed.

AND to the groupie's reading this I'm not blaming this 17 yr old girl. But she has no need to invite trouble.

ANY man would look. That's normal. But to gawk to the point of getting caught is not in the norm.

I certainly hope the OP has told her daughter to keep her door closed.

 

How could she actually have thought that forgetting to close a door in her own home would be inviting trouble? Maybe she did close it, and it didn't catch, and swung open an inch without her realizing it.

 

Regardless of how the door was left open enough for her step-father to peek, her home should be a place where she feels safe. Not to watch her back and lock every door, to make sure that no one will peep on her. Especially her father figure!

 

How could you think that ANY man would look at their 17 YO daughter?

[nittygritty]

Hi, Has any one come accross this??

I have been married 7 years now and my husband is the step dad to my kids. He has been with my kids sense they were small, 10 years. Well I recently cought him trying to look in on my daugher when she was changing. He says there is nothing physical there with her, It was just curiosity. There is no physical attaraction or feelings there he says, The best he could describe was he was curious as to what she looked like. She has really big boobs by the way.

 

Even if you had caught him watching a friend of your daughter's getting dressed there would be no excuse for his behavior. He can't control his sexual urges around young girls in your home, not even his own step daughter. What is there to think about other than keeping him as far away from your kids as possible?

 

It bothers me that you pointed out that your daughter has "really big boobs" as if that were a possible cause for his behavior. You sound like your looking for excuses for him and your excuses inadvertedly blame your daughter "for having big boobs".

 

His requests for taking a lie detector test or going to counseling are sickening. The fact that your even rolling around his ideas are as well.

There is no excuse or cure for his behavior.

 

It is doubtful that he all of a sudden just developed a need to look at your daughter naked. For all you know your kids may have been what he was attracted to most about your relationship because he is a pervert.

 

Until you choose to leave this man, your daughter probably won't trust you enough to tell you if he has ever done anything else to her.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Desertair, you've already gotten a multitude of opinions here. Still for what it's worth, my take on the situation:

 

Whatever your husband's excuse is, it's irrelevant at this point. What he has done constitutes a breach of trust, against you and against your daughter. That's what makes it more terrible.

 

 

But what is key here is maintaining your own composure, and ensuring that your daughter is as little involved in this as possible. Keep her away from your husband, and keep her away from whatever ugly fallout you'll have with him.

 

I'm saying this because the knowledge that he was behaving this way, will affect her really strongly, no matter how smart and mature she is. Somewhere, she will harbor feelings of shame, resentment and distrust, and those will follow her perhaps permanently.

 

 

The best approach is what someone suggested earlier - tell her to keep the door properly locked when she's in her room.

 

As for your husband, let him know that you really cannot tolerate what he's done. Separating from him is a good option, but again, that's upto you.

He does need to get into therapy, though.

[Curmudgeon]

...and Lizzie and I agree. A rare occurrance indeed.

 

This is not normal and I'd take it as a serious warning sign. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to protect your daughter at all costs. His excuse is nothing less than self-serving and spurious.

 

I have two stepdaughters. They are both lovely and they are both adults. I wouldn't anymore think of that kind of behavior regarding them than I would about my own three daughters or any of our three granddaughters.

 

I have to conclude that the man has an illness and your daughter is not safe with him in the same house. Don't leave them alone together, ever!

 

The former cop in me has my radar on high alert over this one. Blame it on a cop's gut instinct!

[Trialbyfire]

Btw, you can't hide this from your daughter. If you do and she gets together with him behind your back because in her eyes, he's still her father...you will have larger issues to contend with in the future.

[Fun2BMe]

He obviously gets sexually off on your daughter in his mind and has dared take it to the next level into reality. Thank goodness you caught him before he took it any further. Most drunk drivers drive drunk over a dozen times before they are caught. I doubt this was his first time and if it was, you are lucky you caught him.

 

Had he gotten away with the peeking, the next thing would've been to make a sexual advance or comment to your daughter that would've scarred her for life. She would hate you for having that person as a lover in the house to harm her even though it wasn't your fault. If you forgive him for this and anything ever happens again, then it will indeed be your fault.

 

You're gambling your relationship, trust and safety of your daughter for this man. We all know Ann Nicole Smith wasn't on talking terms with her mother and in fact HATED her and that was because her stepfather made advances on her and her mother chose him over her. That led to a life of sex and drugs and abuse for her, getting taken advantage of from one man to another.

 

Since he has been depressed over it, offered to go to counseling and to take a lie detector test, that tells you how in his head he knows how bad his intentions are to the point he needs to get help for it. As we know sexual deviants cannot be cured and since in this case the victim is your daughter, why gamble with the huge odds against her?

 

Can you seriously be naked with a man or sleep in the same bed or let him touch or kiss you, knowing he gets his sexual thrills from thinking of your daughter? He is bad news and it shouldn't be too difficult for you to kick him to the curb unless you are able to burry your head in the sand, knowing he is into minors (chances are your daughter isn't the only young girl he is 'curious' about).

[EnigmasMuse]

Wow this is awful! Another thing too you might could do, and I know you or others may think what's the point? Or why should it matter? Because the real main focus is your daughter. However, you could even go into the computer and see if you see eviedence of his where abouts too. If he uses the excuse "he was just curious" about your daughter, maybe he has been "curious" about other girls too. Its not normal behavior in my opinon, and I'm not saying it will solve anything if you look to see if he looks at girls on the net too, but it might give you some kind of indication at how deep of an issue this might be for him. Not taking away from what he is doing or saying concerning your daughter's situation at all, and that alone should be enough to convince you this is not normal behavior. But maybe its something that he has been "curious" about for awhile. It could confirm to just how "curious" he really is.

[Curmudgeon]

ANY man would look. That's normal.

 

What kind of men were you raised with/by and what kind do you hang-out with? If it was one of my daughters, stepdaughters or granddaughters who might have left their door open and I passed by, I would avert my eyes so as not to see them. If I noticed a door ajar I'd also clear my throat or make some other noise to let them know I was approaching so they could close it.

 

Under the circumstances described it is decidedly NOT normal.

[Curmudgeon]

Doesn't matter what kind of childhood he had.. lots of people had ****ty childhood or drinking problems and they don't become pedophiles... don't excuse his sick behaviour.

 

Be still my heart. We agree again.

 

Supposing he's an adult, his upbringing, personality, et al, are not excuses for predatory behavior, most especially not with a child he's helped raise.

[Curmudgeon]

Third time's the charm. We agree again.

 

Desertair, there's no way to excuse, mitigate or minimize his behavior. He's crossed the line and is now a threat to your daughter. That's all you need to know.

[Fun2BMe]

What kind of men were you raised with/by and what kind do you hang-out with? If it was one of my daughters, stepdaughters or granddaughters who might have left their door open and I passed by, I would avert my eyes so as not to see them. If I noticed a door ajar I'd also clear my throat or make some other noise to let them know I was approaching so they could close it.

 

Under the circumstances described it is decidedly NOT normal.

 

And if you did accidentally see something, you wouldn't be offering to take lie detector tests and locking yourself up in your room all depressed over it and offering to get counseling.