He is moslem, am Xtian but wants me to change? what happens to wedding?

[Vixen763]

Hi,

 

I have this new relationship which is exclusive (long distance as well) and its only two months but we are as serious as would be a two year old relationship. Why? Because we are in this for the future, and not try and error. We have been very close friends for over a decade, very close i must say and we both know like 80% of eachother...

 

The catch right now is he is moslem and am pentcostal and we both feel very strongly about our religions.

 

I brought up the subject on the weekend on the phone and am happy i did because all along, he has been hoping that for the sake of us being one, i would change for him, into islam. Why did he assume that? Because of my postive attitude towards islam and the fact that during our high school days i fell i love with this other boy and i got carzy and momentarily changed to islam without the knowledge of my parents. My boyfriend theb, was just a close friend and he kne wabout all this. Now he assumed i would change for him too and am all grown up and i dont see myself changing to another religion seriously. I cant even promise to think about the possibility...

 

What will happen to this relationship? I am willing to commit and get married to a moslem man (him) as long as he doesnt expect me to change my mind and convert into islam. He can keep his religion and i mine. The catch is what happens to the marrige ceremony because we have projected that for December 2008. Church? or Mosque? or do we go civil?

 

My family would eb uncomfortable being "dragged" to church.

 

Secondly, what happens to the children. If they will be muslims, that means i can not play a major role in their young religious lives. Can a man be a good example to the children religiously?

 

Would we have a happy life patternership in this kind of arrangement?

 

we are supposed to talk about this issue later tomorrow and i just need some thoughts from you

[Woggle]

I wouldn't marry this guy if I were you. I don't mean to stereotype but pretty soon he might have you wearing a burka and taking your children to the middle east.

[curiousnycgirl]

For me religion was a huge obstacle when thinking of children. When I still felt there was a chance I would become a mother, I would only date within my religion. I have a very strong religious background, and to raise children I felt it was very important that BOTH parents participate in the religious upbrining of the children, in the same manner.

 

It was not until a few years ago that I realized that I had waited too long and would no longer consider having kids. That is when I decided it was ok to date out of my religion. My bf (of 3 years) is the first and only person of another faith that I have ever dated. My family hates it - and still pushes me to discuss his converting.

 

I have refused all along to do this. My feeling is that if I love and respect this person, as a whole, then I have to respect his basic beliefs. Expecting someone to give up their faith is, in my view, asking them to change who they fundamentally are.

 

Not sure if this answer helps you - but I've put a lot of thought into this one - and this is a summary of my conclusions.

[tinktronik]

Did'nt you just cheat on this guy with your ex-bf?

[hdnkorul]

This is a very delicate matter that is more important than you think. It is difficult right now because your heart is involved, but if you put your heart aside, you will see that this is something that will cause you problems down the road.

 

I was involved with someone for 5 years and we had different religions. As time went on and we got closer to marriage I thought about the importance of our children and our future life. Every time I would talk about my religion, he would say things that meant I should change to his and he thought I was doing the same, but it was so difficult that it made me realize neither one of us could force the other to change.

 

This is something you have to want. He cannot make you change even if you say you will, in your heart you won't and you will be living a lie.

We ended up breaking our relationship and we stayed friends and it's the best thing I think we did.

 

If you truly love him and cannot see your life without him then maybe you should look into Islam some more. Maybe if he is not extreme, then you can be ok...But if you feel that you care more about your faith then I would think twice about marrying someone and then realizing you are not happy.

[Enema]

Definitely something you should iron out with him.

 

My only suggestion is that you should both be compromising here to make this work.

[nellstar]

I wouldn't marry this guy if I were you. I don't mean to stereotype but pretty soon he might have you wearing a burka and taking your children to the middle east.

 

Then what the h*** do you think you're doing? You are stereotyping. That is typical of a misinformed and ignorant -insert your own-!!! That only happens with a certain Islamic sect and not the ones from Middle-east! Get your information right. If you don't know what you're talking about, it'd be best you shut your trap, WOMAN!

[JacenR]

Having been born in a Muslim country and with many Muslim friends, I can say your case is not unusual in Muslim-Christian relationships. In general, the man will expect you to convert to his religion, and expect the children to be raised as Muslim.

 

You might want to elaborate on his background a bit more as well, both his ethnicity (Arab, Indian, Asian Muslim etc) as well as how close he is to his family and their opinion of you and other religions.

 

However, as long as he is fairly liberal, and comes from a tolerant family, I wouldn't expect any concerns along the lines of what Woggle brought up. If his family is religious and he is close to them, I can't not see him expecting the children to be raised as Muslims, and if you won't/can't agree to that it will likely be a relationship-breaker in the near future.

[catrocks]

Ok... firstly, I think this type of situation is pretty common now. I know some people who married - he is Hindu and she Christian - and they had a wedding which lasted the entire weekend. The Saturday was the big white wedding in a Church, the Sunday a traditional Hindu ceremony. As far as kids, my cousin married a Catholic (she is protestant) and was not expected to convert to Catholicism, but she did have to promise to raise the children as Catholic. Not sure if thats any help but hey.

 

Secondly, I would like to point out that since you are on the verge of telling this man that you recently cheated on him with your ex, perhaps you should put the wedding thoughts on hold for a while? YES you need to tell him what you did and you need to expect him to not be happy with it.... and acknowledge the possibility that he will leave. You CAN'T enter into a marriage with this lie, so sort that out before you seriously start to plan the wedding and kids.

[Annacabana]

The bible says not to be unequally yoked. If you feel strongly about your faith that Jesus is the only way, how can you even for a second think about letting your children be raised believing otherwise?

[VIP]

I think children shouldn't be brainwashed with any religious dogmas. They should be able to grow up and to decide for themselves what they want to believe in. And their beliefs must be based on their own experience. The only way you can be together is if you both give up your affiliation with organized religions. Because the only thing that organized religions do is put walls between people.

[bish]

Ok Vixen...Ive heard enough of your shiit. First you post several times of how you slept with your ex and want to make things right with your bf...now you say you are in a new relastionship? If this "new relationship" is your bf that you spoke of in previous threads, then you aren't making much sense.

 

If this is a someone else...then what the hell happened to wanting to make things right with your bf?

 

I'd say nobody needs to take you seriously anymore and should really ignore your posts.

[Vixen763]

Bish, much as i appreciate you taking the time to respond, i begin to think you have unresolved issues with your personal self that make you hateful to certain situations. Look your posts are not being helpful to my situation, its like you are out there to make me hate myself because i cheated on my boyfriend. I already feel bad and am repentful. I ahve had the talk with him and we will continue to talk about it a couple of hours later.

 

I came here because i need guidance on how to resolve my issues and i believe you do not slap someone in the face in an effort to help that person be a better person. I would expect you to be helping me on that front and not post negative and hateful posts. Bish please.

 

This is not a situation you have seen for the first time. i believe there are worse situations so help me become a better person so i do not repeat such a mistake again. YES my boyfriend and i have this religion issue and many other issues that keep cropping up like they do in many relationships. He is not staunch moslem but i would like to make right decisions and that is why my post is up there....

 

Does that make sense... before i told him i had messed up and cheated on him with my ex, we had this pending issue of religion to talk about and unless he chooses to break up with me, then, it will still be an issue and i dont see the problem as to why i can seek advice from here...

 

cheers

[taiko]

Ask yourself, if Muslim women ever marry Christian men? If not why is your situation okay? If your faith is important to you then don't pick and choose aspects of it. Live your religion and if you have to drop the boyfriend in favor of a man who shares your faith, well it is your faith

[Enema]

I just re-read your post and noticed that it's a LTR and you've only been together for 2 months.

 

Talk about jumping the gun.

[catrocks]

Bish, much as i appreciate you taking the time to respond, i begin to think you have unresolved issues with your personal self that make you hateful to certain situations. Look your posts are not being helpful to my situation, its like you are out there to make me hate myself because i cheated on my boyfriend. I already feel bad and am repentful. I ahve had the talk with him and we will continue to talk about it a couple of hours later.

 

I came here because i need guidance on how to resolve my issues and i believe you do not slap someone in the face in an effort to help that person be a better person. I would expect you to be helping me on that front and not post negative and hateful posts. Bish please.

 

This is not a situation you have seen for the first time. i believe there are worse situations so help me become a better person so i do not repeat such a mistake again. YES my boyfriend and i have this religion issue and many other issues that keep cropping up like they do in many relationships. He is not staunch moslem but i would like to make right decisions and that is why my post is up there....

 

Does that make sense... before i told him i had messed up and cheated on him with my ex, we had this pending issue of religion to talk about and unless he chooses to break up with me, then, it will still be an issue and i dont see the problem as to why i can seek advice from here...

 

cheers

 

The thing is Vixen.... you ask for opinions on a public forum and you're going to get all kinds of responses. I personally think that cheating is NEVER ok and if I found out that my fiance had cheated I would postpone the wedding while I worked out whether I could still trust him. And if you continue to plan the wedding in the hope that he will still want to be with you after your betrayal and then he breaks up with you, it seems you're going to be much more hurt than if you put off wedding thoughts, just for a couple of weeks.

 

I don't know you, I don't know your fiance, neither does anyone here. All people can tell you is what they think, based on their own opinions and experiences. And marriage is a very serious thing... you say you've realised that you want to be with your bf and don't want anything more to do with your ex, but don't expect him to understand that. I think Bish was coming from the perspective that your two topics are complete opposites - on the one hand you've just told him you cheated on him and are waiting for a response (and correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you tell him via email?), and on the other hand you want advice on how to live the rest of your life and raise children with him? Do you not see the contradiction there? And if I'm right and you did tell him you cheated via email, (which does make it easier for you but think of how you would feel if things were changed - would you want to find that out by email???) then I have to say (and this is my opinion and I welcome your response) that it was a very selfish way to go about it, and I wonder if you have the maturity that a successful marriage requires. I think THAT is the real issue here, THEN once you've dealt with that you can deal with this religion stuff.

 

No offense meant here Vixen, but IMO you need to earn back his trust (IF he lets you) before you marry the guy.

[bish]

Bish, much as i appreciate you taking the time to respond, i begin to think you have unresolved issues with your personal self that make you hateful to certain situations. Look your posts are not being helpful to my situation, its like you are out there to make me hate myself because i cheated on my boyfriend. I already feel bad and am repentful. I ahve had the talk with him and we will continue to talk about it a couple of hours later.

 

I came here because i need guidance on how to resolve my issues and i believe you do not slap someone in the face in an effort to help that person be a better person. I would expect you to be helping me on that front and not post negative and hateful posts. Bish please.

 

This is not a situation you have seen for the first time. i believe there are worse situations so help me become a better person so i do not repeat such a mistake again. YES my boyfriend and i have this religion issue and many other issues that keep cropping up like they do in many relationships. He is not staunch moslem but i would like to make right decisions and that is why my post is up there....

 

Does that make sense... before i told him i had messed up and cheated on him with my ex, we had this pending issue of religion to talk about and unless he chooses to break up with me, then, it will still be an issue and i dont see the problem as to why i can seek advice from here...

 

cheers

 

Even though nothing is an excuse for cheating, this was not some spur of the moment one time, heat of the moment thing. You actually WENT TO SEE your ex FOR 4 DAYS. This was NOT a mistake. You knew damn well what you were doing when you went to see him.

 

You say you don't have any feelings for your ex and that you want a new life with the bf. But you stayed with your ex for 4 days...first 2 days you claim you didn't do anything, and the last 2 you did sleep with him.

 

Doesn't sound much like someone who loves their bf and has no feelings for the ex. Or did it take 2 days with the ex to figure that out and sleeping with him the latter part of the 4 days?

 

and the fact that you call yourself Vixen insinuates that your behavior is right up your alley.

 

So this isn't a matter of, "oh I was out one night and got drunk"..you actually went to spend 4 days with your ex and sleeping with him at the end.

 

do ya see why a few of us might have a problem with your story?

[Vixen763]

We have talked on the phone and not via email. I told him the truth on the phone and yes he is hurt and its awful to even imagine it all....

 

 

Bottomline is we have agreed to work things out and i simply needed guidance because i can never do such a thing. Its my first and its alot to go through this...

 

Even as i ahve simply got bashing here.... yes we have briefly discussed the religion thing as well....

 

Somebody was asking why i amthinking big of a relation that has alsted only two months..... well thats two months but we had plans and we still want to work on them... it will be long distnce for only a couple of months (few) to be precise. We have plans of staying together and he is coming down to my city..

[norajane]

... yes we have briefly discussed the religion thing as well....

 

You need to do much more than discuss it briefly. You need to discuss it in depth, and ask him all the questions you have. And then you need to do some research into Islam and Muslim traditions and determine if you can actually believe and have faith enough to convert, or to raise your children in the faith.

 

In my experience with Muslim families, he would be a very unusual Muslim male if he converted to your religion, so don't count on that. And yes, the kids will absolutely be raised Muslim.

 

If you and your bf don't agree on this and completely understand and accept each other's viewpoints and decisions, this will torpedo your relationship faster than the cheating.

[Vixen763]

Norajane thanx alot.

 

We have lengthy numerous talks just these two days and i notice that much as he is forgiving for what i have just done and wants to give the reltionship a chance for lifetime commitment..(he understands and believes the circumstances).

 

However i still do notice that he is playing easy with the religion thing because he thinks i will come around and change to islam. I have a postive attitude towards islam but in an accomodative way. Not in a way that i would wish to change and become moslem. He keeps refering to the fact that, his family is not staunch muslim and also the fact that his mother came from a strong christain based family and that she was being "stubborn" but later changed.

 

Thats the impression i get. That he feels i will soften and change. I can be supportive to him, in his religion and also supportive to raising islamic children because i do know the basic of islam anyway (having grown up with moslem guardians) but that depends on how comfortable he is, with making a lifetime commitment to a christian girl.

 

My fear is for him to seem like accomodative now and later push me into changing to his faith because he feels i will come around. This morning i told him, i would not want to change my religious beliefs today and i doubt that i would change ten years later. So i asked him if he would like to break up, instead of us waiting to fight about religion months later when we want to settle down together as a family.

 

When i asked him if braeking up would be better than prtend that he is alright with the situation and then try to force me later and he kept quiet for an hour and then communicated by text that, we could talk more about it after a week if we just left the subject now and thought about it more... however deep in my heart, i know he wants that one week for me to reconsider if i will change to islam...

[Kamille]

I am agnostic (and very liberal) and my ex was a non-praticing muslim who, however, still held strong religious beliefs - or minimally, who still believed religion (Islam) provided a strong moral framework for raising kids.

 

You mentionned elsewhere that he is thinking of moving to wherever you live and I think this bodes well for you on the question of how much say you will have as to how the children will be raised. I knew if I moved to my ex's country I would have very little say on how the children were raised because of how present the family would be in their lives. We eventually ended up breaking up because he did not want to move where I live (Canada) - as he felt that his beliefs would be compromised.

 

I suggest that the two of you discuss the moral values that you want to transmit to your children outside of religious beliefs.

[Vixen763]

Uhm we have grownup together in a way...as in , in the same town and country. And he has plans of coming back home if i have no plans to relocate to where he is (currently) which is two different continents.

 

We will visit eachother in the next three/four months

 

the we can figure out which is which but we are comitted and he wants to come back or i move there... our families at one point were sort of fused into eachother in a way. we have been friends for long and we know more about eachother than i can ever explain...

 

do you think he is going to turn around and force me into changing.....(although his family is not staunch...and neither is he...

[Annacabana]

"The catch right now is he is moslem and am pentcostal and we both feel very strongly about our religions."

 

If this was the case you would not be with each other.

[Vixen763]

Look, religion is becoming an issue as i write this.... He wants to keep the relationship and so do i but again its me getting second thoughts because i feel that deep in his heart he has this hope that he can change me or influence me into his religion in the future. I told him maybe we need to break up if he will not be comfortable with a christian partnet but he is telling me not to walk away from him because its me he wants in his life....the choice now lies with me deciding to stay in a relationship with the full knowledge that he will be asking me to change in the future and maybe we will be fighting over this a year later and perhaps even breaking up then after waiting alot of time in a relationship... hE WOULDNT CHANGE EVEN IF I WANTED TO CHANGE HIM AND YET HE wants a us to be "ONE" religion-wise and i am wondering, will it be worth it fighting over the same issue in the future....

 

Yestrerday i told him if religion is going to be a problem, maybe we need to break up and its killing him(just like its killing me thinking i would have to walk out of this relationship) and he wants us to stay together and keep talkg....do i risk it or i walk on..

[sb129]

 

Secondly, I would like to point out that since you are on the verge of telling this man that you recently cheated on him with your ex, perhaps you should put the wedding thoughts on hold for a while? YES you need to tell him what you did and you need to expect him to not be happy with it.... and acknowledge the possibility that he will leave. You CAN'T enter into a marriage with this lie, so sort that out before you seriously start to plan the wedding and kids.

 

Totally agree. I can't even believe you guys are talking about marriage with this hanging over your heads after two months.

 

 

I just re-read your post and noticed that it's a LTR and you've only been together for 2 months.

 

Talk about jumping the gun.

 

Absolutely. whatever happened to taking things slow and getting to know and TRUST one another to see if you are compatible?

Whats the hurry?

 

"The catch right now is he is moslem and am pentcostal and we both feel very strongly about our religions."

 

If this was the case you would not be with each other.

 

Fantastic point.

 

Vixen, I am not as harsh as Bish, but I really do think you need to step back and take stock of yourself.

You clearly have some unresolved issues, and marrying a man who you have been with for two months, yet cheated on already, and who is of a different faith to you and lives in a different COUNTRY is asking for trouble.

 

Can you not see what is wrong with this picture??