I need her back...

[Travis L]

Yeah, we didnt talk much after the beginning. Like I said she was flirting with some guy she saw there that she knew.

 

I didn't see that she had flirted with someone else in your post.

 

I don't know, setbacks like this just make it seem like i dont have a chance. But I'm pretty sure she still has feelings for me...I just need to find a way to bring them out so I can grow on them.

 

I hear ya... Are you sure she wasn't just testing you?

 

Just continue what you are doing, for now... If there is still no progress in the future (to be determined by you), then it is time to reevaluate your tactics. Things are still looking up for you (from an outsiders view). These setbacks are the main reason why it is so important to build a life outside of her...when they happen, you can focus on others things without being so devastated. Doesn't hurt so bad when you have a date (or two or three) in the near future.

[Blurple]

Hey B - Just take it slow, man... I don't know your whole history as I've only browsed through bits and pieces of your comments in looking at DH's story...

 

Me thankful that she contacts you everyday. There a lot of people on here who just wish that would happen.. Like you and DH, my ex is contacting me a lot.

 

As far as her not wanting you two to be seen together...that's perfectly fine, for now. She has probably been given a lot of advice to not talk to you anymore or what have you. Be thankful that she is strong enough to go against their advice even if she isn't strong enough to just not care what they think.

 

You are right that she could be talking to other guys. I don't really see that as a bad thing. In fact, I think it's great that she is seeing what others have to offer. You probably don't see it that way right now but if you think long-term, it's best that she get this out of her system now so it doesn't happen again in the future. If she comes back to you AFTER seeing what else is out there, you're golden for quite a while. That is, she has seen that the grass isn't greener on the other side.

 

I cant agree with you more.. however the way she is and the way our relationship has been now is not the time to "kick rocks and blow bubbles" I might have to walk away just so she can come back thanks for the advice i needed to hear it from someone other than myself...

 

Right now im just going to ride out whats being dealed

[DH27]

I'm hanging out with a girl back home over Fall Break (this weekend), so theres that. But me and her don't connect as good as me and Emma do. But yeah, I think I might let her know how I feel about her. Not an all out talk about it, just let her know. I don't know how or where or when. I still need to think about this.

 

Input please...

 

And now I'm back second guessing myself with an edit post... I don't know here is what I'm thinking.

 

If I let her know how I feel, it could get her to start thinking about me in that way again and could open up a window that I could work with, and get a weight off my shoulders. Then again, if I let her know, it could possibly push her away/make this awkward.

 

I don't even know, let me know what you're thinking.

[Travis L]

I cant agree with you more.. however the way she is and the way our relationship has been now is not the time to "kick rocks and blow bubbles" I might have to walk away just so she can come back thanks for the advice i needed to hear it from someone other than myself...

 

Right now im just going to ride out whats being dealed

 

Again, I apologize for not knowing your whole story but could you give me a brief time line of what has occurred? How long since break up, since her reconnecting with you, and of being in the current state? I know we tend to want it now, now, now, and not wait. I was feeling this for the first two months of breakup...now I'm in a comfortable routine and want it to happen as soon as possible but understand that she needs to go through this to really appreciate what she had with me.

 

Sometimes doing nothing is all you can do... Remember the core values/states of mind that you want to exude: confidence, charm, happiness, a source of fun, a source of understanding, non-neediness, etc... Stick to them even when your heart is crying out: "I WANT HER SO BAD!!!!!" Don't engage in arguments...a happy/calm sense about you is what she needs to see. She needs to see that you are happy with being with her or not being with her...

 

This state of being a distant friend is not what you want permanently. At some point, you are going to have to do the "loving take-away." I guess I will wait to hear back from you before I go into detail but obviously we both know that we won't be happy forever just being a person she can turn to...

[Travis L]

I'm hanging out with a girl back home over Fall Break (this weekend), so theres that. But me and her don't connect as good as me and Emma do. But yeah, I think I might let her know how I feel about her. Not an all out talk about it, just let her know. I don't know how or where or when. I still need to think about this.

 

Input please...

 

And now I'm back second guessing myself with an edit post... I don't know here is what I'm thinking.

 

If I let her know how I feel, it could get her to start thinking about me in that way again and could open up a window that I could work with, and get a weight off my shoulders. Then again, if I let her know, it could possibly push her away/make this awkward.

 

I don't even know, let me know what you're thinking.

 

I sincerely think it is too early in the reconnecting stage to put your feelings back out there. I just think the risk is too great and you have a lot of bridge building yet to do. Patience is the hardest thing to have...but it is the one thing you need. There is the possibility of a huge reward if she is feeling exactly what you are feeling but I don't think it's quite time yet for that.

 

In my own experience with a previous ex (not the current one), I would tell her my feelings and ask her what she was feeling (we were broken up). She was very standoffish when I would bring it up. Finally, I just gave up bringing it up because I thought it was hopeless...within two weeks she asked me, "So, when are we going to start dating again?" I was floored! Obviously, all situations are different but I really think you should wait a while and you may just be surprised to find that she brings it up.

 

She needs to feel comfortable knowing that you are not with her just because you want her back as a girlfriend. You like to be around her because you like to...simple as that.

 

Finally, I know this is a risky move as well....but have you thought about flirting with someone in front of her? You know how it made her feel... Well, if suddenly you are interested in Mary Jane Rottencrotch and show that in front of your ex, it may just be a slap across her face that you are not some needy guy who thinks he can't do better than her. Only you know how she will react, just wanted to throw that out there.

[Blurple]

Travis L Me and my ex have been on off for about 6 year i have been a good bf to her however this last year hasn't been a good one for me or her and I have distant myself from her and alienated her i attempted to get back with her in may but another one of my ex's decided to come into the picture and screw it up i took me a few months and now I am trying to get back with her

[niceguy27]

If you are in it for the long haul you have to look at the big picture. Keep that in mind and dont rush things. Let things happen on its own. If you guys hang out, have fun. If you dont and go on dates with others, have fun there too. But if you have a long term goal in mind it keeps you focused on the big picture. Then small things wont bother you as much.

 

Just a thought Blurple...If you guys have been on and off for 6 years would it be too much to ask her to marry you??? Hold on. Hold on. Maybe not that but some sort of "promise ring" to give to her to show her that you want her and only her? It looks like thats how Im reading into it. She seems afraid to get back involved because of what happened?

[Blurple]

She was or maybe is still crazy for me she did some bad things in the relationship and left me then came back i didnt want to get back together right away then she went crazy was stalking me and everythign then we got back together and then i was gone a for while. She always wanted me to give her one and i asked her about it and she said not right now.. "we will she what happens to us." is what she says.. she is scared kinda of getting married. but just not to long ago she wanted to i think. She told me that she feel like if she make any move to get towards me then ill start planning a wedding LOL i told her thats not true. she is kinda in the mode of .... well what else is out there for me i think. I think i might get her one for x mas is all goes well.

[DH27]

Yeah Travis, you made some good points. I just need to keep thinking of the long term. Its hard, but its what I have to do. My problem at this point is that, I keep getting advice from you guys, but I still don't know what to do. I don't know how often I should see her. I don't know if 2 or 3 days pass by should I make plans? Its always easier to have a sort of plan to follow, some path to go by so I don't drive myself crazy with the day to day basis.

 

We are having a lot of events this week at my frat, so that'll help get my mind off her for this week. I need a good couple days where I don't think of her.

[niceguy27]

I recommend you look into those ebooks. They may talk about getting back with your ex and stuff but the main point they try to make is that it does lay somewhat of a plan on what to do with yourself. The end goal is to be back to where you were before you thought you needed her.

 

As for now, let 5-6 days pass. Let her call and talk to you and see if she makes plans to hang out. Try to be busy once in a while and not go out everytime you guys get a chance.

[DH27]

OK... time for a new angle. Read a fortune cookie today at lunch, and it said "You can't put the same shoe on every foot. Try amending your plan." This got me thinking. Back when I first tried to get my ex back, it didn't work. And the more and more I think about this situation now, the more similarities I see between what I did before and what I'm doing now.

 

I'm gonna try something different. Instead of focusing on getting her back, I'm just going to have fun with her. I'm gonna try and stop worrying about every day that passes and what is going on with her. I'm gonna just live my life, and if she wants to contact me, she can, but I'm going to contact her minimally. I'm gonna keep the long term in mind. Took me long enough to figure this out eh? I'll need your guys' help keeping this up though, I'm sure I'll have a "relapse" sometime in the future.

 

Thanks.

[niceguy27]

Great job! I think that healing and dealing with things comes in small steps like this. They are small realizations that add up over time to become huge tools help deal with stuff. Keep it up and we'll keep this thread going if any of us "relapse" soon.

 

I have a feeling my most recent move is going to start a new round of things for me and my ex. By cutting her off from me completely, things may start to get a little bit more exciting.

[DH27]

So how do you think she will respond? Cutting her off completely will definitely take her out of her comfort zone, if that is your intentions. Hope it goes well for you!

[DH27]

She was or maybe is still crazy for me she did some bad things in the relationship and left me then came back i didnt want to get back together right away then she went crazy was stalking me and everythign then we got back together and then i was gone a for while. She always wanted me to give her one and i asked her about it and she said not right now.. "we will she what happens to us." is what she says.. she is scared kinda of getting married. but just not to long ago she wanted to i think. She told me that she feel like if she make any move to get towards me then ill start planning a wedding LOL i told her thats not true. she is kinda in the mode of .... well what else is out there for me i think. I think i might get her one for x mas is all goes well.

Sounds to me that if you take her out of her comfort zone also, it would work out well for you. Thats what happened back then, and she went crazy for you.

[niceguy27]

Wish me luck guys. Leaving work in a few minutes to go home and deal with the ex getting her stuff out.

[DH27]

Good luck man, stay strong.

[DH27]

I guess I forgot to mention something that I thought about. Made me a little bit happier. Last weekend when we hung out she brought up going to football games, and how I hadn't sat with her to watch any. Cause back when we were together we were excited about all the Purdue games, and how I would teach her how to understand football better, but since the break up, I hadn't watched any with her. And she said, "So how come you haven't sat with me at any games? You said you'd teach me about football." And I replied "Well, give me a call next week" So I'm pretty sure she'll be making contact with me next weekend about the game. So I've got that goin for me.

[Blurple]

So how do you think she will respond? Cutting her off completely will definitely take her out of her comfort zone, if that is your intentions. Hope it goes well for you!

 

 

The only problem right now is she is in a new place and she also says "you have left so many times im used to it" which the times i have left were due to her treating me badly... this time i was the last ti mess up. We will see how things go... she is coming down to see me tonight. ill let you know

[Travis L]

Women... I just thought I'd add my situation into the mix as all of us are pretty much going through the same thing (different stages but oh well).

 

Summary: Both are mid-twenties, together for 4 years, broke up as she needed "space." Within two weeks she was seeing a new guy. We maintained low contact (she would call weekly). This went on for 2 months and she left him. From there she stayed at my place for 3 nights. She asked what I thought she should do as she still liked him but he wasn't treating her right. I told her to follow her heart...she did and went back to him. I told her I needed some time to heal and went NC. She didn't respect it and I caved.

 

fast forward 1.5 months (almost 5 months post breakup) and we are hanging out all the time. She spends her days with me and her evenings with her new guy. She moved into her own place as she didn't want to move in with him. She complains all the time about him as he doesn't treat her like I treated her. She says she is THIS close to leaving him but wants to give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

We pretty much are in the friend zone... We hug, cuddle, and I pamper her... I have finally gotten her to the point where she remembers all the good I have to offer(she tells me all the time how much better I am towards her than he is). I KNOW that if I just tell her I want to be back with her, she'll get scared and backoff (she hasn't broken up with the new guy yet). She finally got all of her stuff out of my apt so she will have no reason to NEED to contact me.

 

So, I'm her confidant and she tells me I am her best friend... she is simply not having those in-love feelings and I need to give us space and a little mystery... She has told me that she wants to be friends, for now... My plan of action (now that I have gotten her up to this point) is to just drop off the face of the earth. I will not answer her calls, texts, etc...right away. If I do respond, I will wait a day to do it... When she asks me to hang out, I will tell her I am busy that day. I always answer the phone when she calls...it will drive her crazy if I don't. She KNOWS what I can offer her and she is sitting pretty thinking she can have her cake and eat it too...that is, not be committed to me but get all the benefits of it. If I all of a sudden become the hard to get guy I am thinking she will not see this coming at all... Any thoughts?

 

NOW, I know there is a huge risk with this...if her new guy was treating her like gold she would simply not care what I was up to. BUT, she isn't getting what I give her from him. Now, I just need to implement it and stick to it...

[DH27]

Good luck man. Hope it all goes well.

[Travis L]

The only problem right now is she is in a new place and she also says "you have left so many times im used to it" which the times i have left were due to her treating me badly... this time i was the last ti mess up. We will see how things go... she is coming down to see me tonight. ill let you know

 

You have a tricky situation... It's like your relationship has become a continuous on and off thing... I don't know exactly what you need to do but something has got to change to prevent this from occurring again. It's like you both know it's ok to break up as the other will take you back. Good luck tonight!

[DH27]

I wish I could give you advice on this idea, but I just don't know. Just hope the new guy continues to be a jerk. To me that kindof sounds like the main variable here. If she sees her life without you and with the jerk treating her bad, she will start to remember how much better it was with you, and she may come back.

 

Good luck man.

[Travis L]

I wish I could give you advice on this idea, but I just don't know. Just hope the new guy continues to be a jerk. To me that kindof sounds like the main variable here. If she sees her life without you and with the jerk treating her bad, she will start to remember how much better it was with you, and she may come back.

 

Good luck man.

 

I agree 100%. She needs to see that the grass isn't greener on the other side... She knows this to be the case as she has told me she wishes he would treat her like I did and do. If I continue to do what I am doing now, she will always have me for the emotional support and won't see a need to commit to me (why buy the cow when you get the milk for free). To be fair, she has lost the in-love feeling towards me and I feel like I am somewhat in the same boat. I love her and see a future for us but we need to get the passion back. For us to be able to do that, we are going to need time apart to experience other relationships... Without this time apart she won't value what she had in me.

 

I can't believe I am hoping that he continues to be a jerk...but that is the case... I have to be careful not to fall in the same category as him. I'll be polite and kind but unavailable.

 

Who knows...after being away from her a while I may just find that she is not the ONE. Anyway, I guess I am just trying to refine my plan. Thanks for the response.

[Travis L]

I guess I forgot to mention something that I thought about. Made me a little bit happier. Last weekend when we hung out she brought up going to football games, and how I hadn't sat with her to watch any. Cause back when we were together we were excited about all the Purdue games, and how I would teach her how to understand football better, but since the break up, I hadn't watched any with her. And she said, "So how come you haven't sat with me at any games? You said you'd teach me about football." And I replied "Well, give me a call next week" So I'm pretty sure she'll be making contact with me next weekend about the game. So I've got that goin for me.

 

That's awesome! You know...you and your ex should come up to Michigan when your team plays mine (University of Michigan) and we could double date... Now THAT would be interesting

[DH27]

Haha yeah that would be interesting. Weren't you on NC with yours?? Something tells me she wouldn't want to drive up to Michigan with me though haha. Interesting indeed...