I need her back...

[Blurple]

I told her i cant be friends.. and she tells me that she is not dating anyone but she sent and email to an old friend saying she is dating someone... the person she is "dating" she told me was a friend.. from the looks of it shes not really fully dating him.. maybe just going out with friends..

 

The text i sent her went like this... im sorry i must have missed you IM's. just so she doesnt think im being an jerk by not responding.... idk i think i should stay off AIM . but i want to talk to her so bad... ahhh i know i need to not talk to her tho.

[DH27]

so do you think i should hang out with her this weekend? invite her up to my fraternity for a party?

[Blurple]

so do you think i should hang out with her this weekend? invite her up to my fraternity for a party?

 

No dont.. reason is because like i said a girl likes a guy that is strong.. so if you can live your life with out her or aleast show her you can... then it will start to lure her back... be independant strong.. less caring about her and busy busy busy... trust that is best forumla and works i have already used it before and it worked hopefully it works again for me on the game girl.

[DH27]

alright, ill take your advice. but say right now im not on her mind, and if i dont invite her then im not on her mind and all me not having her come does is just have another week pass where she doesnt think about me?

[Blurple]

alright, ill take your advice. but say right now im not on her mind, and if i dont invite her then im not on her mind and all me not having her come does is just have another week pass where she doesnt think about me?

 

 

No just cuz you are not talking to her doesnt mean she nots thinking about you.. it will make her wonder about you and then make her thnk about you more

[DH27]

Got any ideas on how to make her think of me (or at least plant the seed) as boyfriend material again? Or at least want to hang out with me? I mean its not that she doesn't want to, its just that I'm not one of the first people she thinks about. In the beginning we were crazy about each other and hung out every single day. I want to be able to see her very often again, right now that wouldn't work, though I think I'm getting closer to it, but I don't want to fall into the "friend zone". Any tips?

 

Also, we have messaged on Facebook that we are gonna go and work out tomaro, its been sortof a weekly thing that we work out every Wednesday. I asked and said something funny, she laughed and said she wanted to. Now do I message her back just saying like "deal, sounds good" or something like that, or just wait till tomaro and text her saying the time i want to go, or wait for her to possibly text me? This may seem like small insignificant details...but it seems like in these situations every little detail matters. Right? or wrong haha

 

Once again thank you SO much to all the help you guys have given me. I love this forum for all the advice and support I get here. Thanks again

[heartoutside]

I'm dealing with the same ****...only I haven't seen my ex in months and she actually wanted to meet for dinner (her suggestion kind of) and then cancelled and still hasn't rescheduled, or sent me a text about rescheduling. I"m starting to worry because first she says she has too much homework and asks me if it's ok if we take a rain check, when I say sure, she asks again if I'm sure. And in the days that followed she sent me a few more text messages, about our work and about the gas bill (which got sent to her house). What if she was trying to open the door to have me ask to reschedule it? What if she has too much pride? (and I'm by no means saying that makes it right!).....but what if..? It's been a week since she last contacted me....

[DH27]

how long have were you and your ex together? were you married or just dating? how long ago was the plans for dinner made? and the cancelation for that matter. who broke it off and for what reason?

[heartoutside]

The short story is, no we weren't married, we lived together for 3 years, dated for almost 4. 2 weeks before we broke up (or as she put it "I need some space, I'm confused"), she was talking about what wedding ring she wanted, was looking at them with our friend. She alwasy talked about names for our kids, would practice signing her name with my last name. I was going to prupose to her the week following our break up when she and I were suppose to go on vacation with my family (she didn't know it then and doesn't know it now). The week before she asked for space, her father came to stay at our place while I was away for work. He's a recovering drug addict, and has been a mess for a long while. I'm not sure how he is now, but he does seem a little better. My ex's mom left her when she was 4 years old in a shopping cart at the grocery store, her father was in her life sober until she was about 14 or so and then she moved out on her own and has been since.

 

While her father was visiting us (or at our place) he told her about this lady he had recently fallen in love with and that she broke his heart. He started to cry and told my ex that she needs to listen to heart..) She has never seen her father cry, so I can't even start to think what that did to her!?

 

As for the dinner, it was suppose to be last monday night. I was suppose to pick her up from work and she sounded excited, saying that she would be hungry after work so that would be perfect. The next day she cancelled, asking if "we" could take a rain check.....

 

As for our story, that is a very very short version....and doesnt' really cover what has happened in the past 3 months.....not that I did anything bad, or said anything bad to her. I never did any of that.....

[DH27]

i wish i could give advice...but i dont know enough about these situations. i cant even help myself! but i hear that the people that do know what to do dont always take their own advice.

 

as for her background it seems like she needs someone in her life that is concrete and there for her. parents are extremely important for a childs upbringing and it sounds like she didnt have that foundation, so i think she needs to know you are there for her completely. With that said, i dont know how to go about showing her that, because of all this talk about not being overwhelming.

 

like i said i am still learning. my advice, if you havnt started one yet, is to start a thread explaining everything, and let these fine people give you advice. because in the beginning i didnt exactly take their advice, not that i didnt want to, i just let my emotions get away from me, which pushed her away even more thus landing me in the situation i am now. i wish Travis L would leave me some comments, that guy knows what he is talking about.

 

so anyway, im gonna see her tomaro when we work out. we usualy work out around 330, 4 ish. she said she wanted to go. so do you think i should wait till 1ish to call her and set a time, so it gives her time to contact me instead? or does it not matter and just shoot her a text around 10am so she doesnt make any other plans over this one, because that has happened before.

 

also, about the inviting her to a party this weekend. i think im gonna wait till friday to invite her, because last week on friday she asked what i was doing that night and i told her i was going to a frat party, and she was sad because she wanted to hang out with me that weekend. well she was gonna come up to my frat for the party but ended up not going because none of her sisters wanted to go and she didnt want to go by herself. i think her comming up to my frat for a party would be a good thing because it would put us in a fun setting on my home turf where i can be in control. what are your thoughts on waiting to invite her? or inviting her at all?

 

and now to touch on the topic of being in the "friend zone" how can i keep myself out of it? because id like her to know that im interested, but i dont want it to be to the point that its really out there and pushes her away. i guess what im asking for is very subtle flirting tips.

 

and i know this is quite a long response (and i expect a response for all of it!! just kidding ) but i have a lot on my mind about this situation. what happens if i do get to the stage where she feels interested in me again. not quite to the point of getting back into a relationship, because i know there will be other barriers before that, but to the point where she sees me as a possibility again. should i apologize for what the wrongs of the past? because i feel like she deserves to here me admit that i took her for granted. I dont want to be a "WUSSY" because i was in the beginning of the break up and that was VERY bad for my situation... as im typing this i think ive found the answer, or do you think that shouldnt be done till we are back together?

[Blurple]

Okay look... have a little bit of fun with her for a week of so and when you think you are falling into the friend zone.. and not the getting back together track.. then say hey look.... i dont know whats going on with us anymore its confusing for me and it hurts at the same time.. then let her know where you stand and that you need to not talk to her anymore.. thats were i am at right now.. because i tried to get back together with her so hard... and she kinda wants to date other people and feels very comforable with me around "as a friend" or as she puts it "kinda dating" so i told her look i dont want to get hurt so i cant be friends with you so blah blah blah.. so now i think she is second guessing dating other people.. but still its a hard card to throw down at her.. so i am fully in no contact after a month or so of taking her out and being lovy dovy with her. she lives kinda far away and wants to date someone closer.. but i mean hopfully she misses like all the rest of the times i acted like i didnt give a f--- about it... and she kinda feels the same way she almost came out and said it.. that she might need to see if she misses me in order to get back together and that my trying so hard is making it worst..... (aka GIRLS LIKE TO CHASE!!) let her chase you!!!

 

All in all girls need time.. and they will take their sweet time.. let her take a look at her life without you.. you need to take her out of her comfort zone.... and that is to break off any communication with her... i dont care if that means deleting ur facebook myspace and stop using AIM like i had to do..

 

 

GOOD LUCK keep us updated. if you want my email or AIM shoboat262... hit me up anytime

[DH27]

there was a period of about 3 weeks or so when we didnt talk much at all, just because i was trying to move on, so that was her time to see her life without me. then she contacted me saying she wanted to get together and see me. i dont know what it means, probably nothing as far as getting back together is concerned, but who knows. im thinking a good approach to hanging out with her is just playfully and subtly flirt to see what kind of response i get. if its a good one, then ill find out what the next move is.

 

i think that in her mind i have moved on and am fine, because when she told me it was over i took it like a man, i didnt beg, because i knew it would kill any chance i had in the futuer. also, since then (about 2 months) i havnt mentioned wanting to get back together with her. so im hoping once i start flirting with her again she will see me as a possibility again. thoughts?

[DH27]

well, NC for an extended period of time may be bad thing in my case. because when thanksgiving break rolls around we will both be back home, and back home is a guy she had been talking to over summer when we broke up. they decided they didnt want anything to really happen because they go to different colleges, but once they are both back home they will be hanging out and whatnot. i feel like a spark needs to be lit before then. and i am trying to find a way to do that without pushing her away again.

[DH27]

ok...so i texted her today setting a time to go lift. well she said she had other plans...again... im so not a priority to her. help me out guys, im in a pretty low spot right now, i need some advice on what to do next. im not quite ready to move on yet, ive tried that once already for about 3 weeks, and i just got sucked into it again, so i know im not ready to just yet. i want to give this one last try, but i dont know what to do. help me out please.

[niceguy27]

I've read some of your posts here and if you want her to want you, just leave her alone completely for about a month.

 

During that time, get into good shape, go tanning, get some new clothes, etc. Once that month is up, call her up and do some small talk. When you are both laughing or you feel the conversation has hit its "peak" then ask her if she wants to get together for a drink or something little. If she beats around the bush about an answer, laugh and say, "I'm not askin you to marry me!" Then make some plans for about a week out. When you do meet, you will look like a different person. That, combined with the fact that when you do talk, let her do a lot of the talking and DONT bring up the relationship. Then, cut the date short, say your busy or something and cant stay long, and DO NOT ask her for another date. Save that for a week or so later.

 

I think if you do this, you will show her a.) you dont need her b.) you give off a more self confident persona to her c.) you are going to be like when you first starting dating.

 

These things combined I think can jump start a relationship ONLY after at least a month has passed. Go on a few of these dates every week or two and after 4-5 of these you should get a good feel for where she stands.

 

Just my .02. Good luck!

[DH27]

this sounds good, but what about this other guy back home? they message each other and he is probably building up anticipation for thanksgiving break when he can see her. i dont know, im such a wreck about this whole thing.

 

how do i get our conversations to be exciting like they used to be? instead of just talking about whats going on and whatnot. you know what i mean right? or how do i get it back to us talking for a long time. we used to text constantly throughout the day, starting when one of us woke up, and not ending till we went to sleep. now i text her, and it lasts probably through about 6ish messages and ends.

 

is a period of NC necessary for this? i dont know it sounds like NC is everyone's solve all solution. this plan sounds good, but one month is so hard to get through...and how should i initiate it? just stop talking to her one day?

[niceguy27]

NC isnt a solve all. But combine that with other things it should help tremendously. Both of you guys need a while to just cool off, get back to your normal routines and only then can you re visit anything.

 

I woudnt worry too much about the other guy. She is doing that to try to forget about you. Its new, exciting, and all that, but that will wear off real quick. You guys were together for a while so you obviously had a whole lot in common. Its real hard to find someone compatible with who you are. So that means a chance at reconcilling down the road. But only after YOU have set some goals for yourself. Working, excercising, etc.

 

Start NC right now. It will be really really hard. Maybe slowly start it over the next week. Wait for her to txt or call. If 4-5 days goes by, send her one saying whats up? Keep everything short and simple. Do not bring anything up about you two. If there is nothing else to talk about, then just dont talk to her.

 

As much as it sucks to accept, a lot of women (and men) like to have a little challenge. You have to exhude self confidence and independence. Then she will see how instead of needing her, you now desire her. It makes you more attractive to her. Good luck!!!

[DH27]

we already went through a period of NC though, for about 3 weeks, it ended about a week ago though. at first though i dont think i played my cards right, like you said i didnt "exude" confidence, so is there still time to change it so i can be seen differently without going NC again? i didnt act like a wuss or anything, it just didnt go completely perfect.

 

im thinking of going NC for a little while, about 2 weeks, when fall break happens and we are back home. and then calling her up for some food.

 

i dont know i just wish there was some way that i could start building on us now in a friendly and subtle flirtatious way. plans for today were shot, so i cant call again to try and make plans for a little while now. the weekend maybe? let me know whats up.

 

sorry if it sounds like im shooting down suggestions. im really not, im taking all of it in, its just me throwing out all of the possible actions that could take place.

[niceguy27]

I think a month would be best. Every time you come off to her as needing her you are pushing and she pulls. If you do NC make sure its 100%. Dont be a jerk though. If she asks you to call her back, give her a call a day later or later that night. Keep it short as possible.

 

There is no way to change what happened. Go the 3 weeks to month and then approach her. In the meantime, make sure you do something to better yourself. Could be anything. But you have to convince yourself that you dont need her at all. Make it a short date. She will be wondering what youve been up to during all that time. Wonder, antcipation, clear head...See where that leads. Things will seem fresh again when you do meet with her.

 

I think you should do it. Set a goal/date and go for it. And DO NOT bring anything up about you two. Its all in the past now. Good luck!

[DH27]

I am seriously thinking of going NC for about 4 weeks with her, and at the end of it, on the weekend, calling her up for some food or coffee. keep it short, and do something else the next weekend.

 

what if she ends up contacting me during this period, say during week 2, asking to hang out? should i hang out with her or say im busy or something? sorry im still new at this NC thing.

 

but im still hung up on in 2 weeks we will be back home on october break. i dont know if going NC is a good idea in this case. because im sure she will see this other guy. so even going out for a quick bite or drink and having fun is a bad idea?

[niceguy27]

If she calls, say you already have plans to go out with some friends. Dont tell her your doing this NC either. If she pushes for another day, tell her youll get back to her about. When that day comes up tell her that you dont have any time that day.

 

Your best bet is to just not answer when she calls. And dont call her back that day. Wait till next day. You have to give her some wondering time. I am in the same boat. I just started my 30 day plan 2 days ago. Its hard as hell but I now have a goal to get to at the end. Look at it that way.

 

The longer she has away from you, the better chance that she will start to remember the old good memories so when you do see her, enough time has passed that hopefully there may sparks again.

[DH27]

im curious about your situation now. when she broke up with you were you crushed? i know my world was comletely turned upside down. i took her for granted, and i now see all the things that make her so perfect for me.

 

ive started my NC now. ive just got to be confident about things. ill follow this plan, and hopefully when i come out of it and contact her everything will be good. what im hoping for is that she tries to contact me when we go back home for fall break. she might not, but then again she might. because if i start NC now, then by that time she might be wondering what im up to and want to get together.

 

thanks for all your help and ill do my best to stick to this plan. im gonna be posting frequently still because i know ill need uplifters and pointers still, reasurrances and whatnot. this is an extremely emotional roller coaster ride for me. some days i am confident and feel like i know what im doing, and other days i have anxiety attacks and feel like everything im doing is wrong and i cant live without her. but right now im feeling good, so here we go!

 

any more tips/pointers about these types of situations? keep me posted on this thread often too please. itll help me to see that you are sticking to your plan and vice versa im sure. we started close to the same time. good luck to you too. Thanks again.

[Hero2Zero]

Hi DH, you have to remember that NC is not a way to get her back, it's a way for both of you to clear your heads and heal. Give it time and do not keep contacting her. She knows how you feel at this point, let her make the first move to contact you. If you try to contact her or make plans, you're not giving her the space she wants. She will view any contact as a way for you to try to get her back, and anything you say will only work against you.

 

The best thing is let her know you're there and then go do things, live life, hang out with friends, anything to keep you busy and better yourself. The rest will come if you play it cool and confident. You need to build up your spine again because the initial period will rip it right out of you. Take this time for yourself and let her know that you are there in any capacity she needs, whether it's space, support, someone to talk to, etc. But you have to respect her wishes and not try to "get her back", because in her eyes, that will be equivalent to you saying what you want is more important than what she wants. Just remember to be polite, nice, courteous when you talk to her. Don't bring up the relationship, let her guide the conversation, be patient and always agree with her, don't try to defend yourself - she'll actually start to do that for you.

 

Bottomline, work on yourself. Don't try to work things out, the more you do that, the further you will push her away. Respect her wishes and give her the space. Be patient, strong and most of all, the person she fell in love with. If you have lost that somewhere, now is the time to find it. Stay strong and good luck.

[DH27]

i guess my biggest question now is that i already gave her that period of NC about a week ago, and it lasted about 3 weeks. so we have been in contact for about a little over a week now. would going back to NC be detrimental? i dont know i just kindof feel thats what it would be, it would be just giving her time to move on from me even more. let me know if im wrong or right.

[niceguy27]

No, once YOU decide on this, you have to stick with it. Because only after you decide this, you may not notice it, but you will start to see things a little differently. Up until you make that decision, she will still see you as pursuing her. That just pushes her further away. Once you set yourself up to focus on bettering your self, after that time apart, when you do see her, its going to be like when you first met I think.

 

And yes, I was crushed to the core when she left. I've dated quite a bit over the years and had my share of things. Wwhen I met her and when we were together, I knew that she was the one person I really could still be myself for the rest of my life. Thats why I'm not giving up that easy. Time, space, all that doesnt matter to me.

 

My dad always told me this..."If something is worth pursuing, pursue it." Good luck!