women - "Let's be friends" - a facade?

[jcster]

yeah and what about all the ****ed up women who are full of bull**** and think they are the queen of bloody egypt?

 

We don't date you because you are not worthy.

[IpAncA]

I don't use "lets be friends" because honestly I don't.

 

It takes time for me to know someone (not after some dates) before I consider them friend material.

[lindya]

People find all kinds of reasons to criticise whoever it is who didn't want a relationship with them. A kindly worded rejection will be "bullsh*t" or "dishonesty". Bluntness will be deemed callous and bitchy. Simple avoidance of the telephone will be brandished as cowardice. I suppose they're all just ego defence mechanisms of the huffy "X might not want to sleep with me, but at least I have integrity" variety.

 

I haven't read anything on this thread (or, indeed, LS) that would prevent me from saying to a guy who I liked but wasn't sexually interested in "you're a nice guy/let's just be friends." It's a perfectly reasonable and diplomatic way to turn someone down.

[alphamale]

I haven't read anything on this thread (or, indeed, LS) that would prevent me from saying to a guy who I liked but wasn't sexually interested in "you're a nice guy/let's just be friends."

What would you say if you didn't like him and weren't sexually interested? - "you're an ******* and I never wanna see you again"

 

It's a perfectly reasonable and diplomatic way to turn someone down.

bollocks

[lindya]

What would you say if you didn't like him and weren't sexually interested? - "you're an ******* and I never wanna see you again"

 

I'd say. "I don't feel any chemistry." If he persisted, I'd say "I don't find you attractive." If he still persisted, I'd say "You make me feel uncomfortable/creeped out. Go away."

 

 

bollocks

 

You're not persuading me that it isn't a diplomatic and reasonable way to turn someone down. I recall telling a guy that he was "nice" but I wasn't in a place where I wanted a relationship. I was just fresh out of a several year long one that had ended badly - and I think pretty much anyone would have been a rebound. His eyes rolled, when I said the "you're a nice guy" thing....and basically his whole manner was, well, a bit like your post there. "Bullsh*t - I'm tired of hearing that from women, blah blah"

 

So I decided to be more straightforward. I told him I didn't find him attractive, didn't enjoy his company and saw no point in us meeting up again as it only made me think of and miss my ex. I can assure you he looked far more wounded by that than by the "you're a nice guy, but..." comment.

[Poboy]

So I decided to be more straightforward. I told him I didn't find him attractive, didn't enjoy his company and saw no point in us meeting up again as it only made me think of and miss my ex. I can assure you he looked far more wounded by that than by the "you're a nice guy, but..." comment.

 

its better to be straight up and tell the guy no rather the ' lets be friends' talk. in the former , you just hurt the guy once but in the latter , you are hurting him twice ... first by rejecting him & second by saying something you dont really mean.

 

its all in how you say no. like the harsh way you did or just a simple no.

[lindya]

its all in how you say no. like the harsh way you did or just a simple no.

 

I envy your life in this simple world where there are easy and perfect solutions to everything. Unfortunately I live in a world where some people won't accept a simple no. They'll press for reasons. Or they will believe - telephone salesman-like, that that "no" means "maybe. Keep trying."

 

Read what the OP said here

 

When my ex-girlfriend and I met, she also claimed she wanted to be just "friends". Obvioulsy it didn't work out that way, but it certainly does not help to clarify anything.

 

He wants clarification. He wants reasons. When people want clarification and reasons, a simple no is never going to be enough for them.

 

You reject someone, they can get hostile sometimes. I get a bit pissed off when men come on here moaning about the methods women use to communicate. We have to be careful. We have to be aware of what can potentially go wrong when a man starts feeling hostile towards a woman because she's rejecting him.

 

If he's been drinking, and if he's the kind of guy who's nursing a catalogue of "no more Mr Nice Guy" grievances then there's always the possibility that it'll all turn nasty. On a very basic level "you're a nice guy, but" can be another way of saying to a guy (who you don't know very well) "I don't want to see you again, but don't attack me." It's placatory.

 

You don't have experience of being a woman, of having to gauge situations where you'll come off worst if it turns nasty. If I'm sitting in a car with a guy who's pressing me to see him again, then pressing for reasons as to why I'm saying no, I'm going to feel mildly threatened. Saying "you're a nice guy, but..." is part of that.

 

If he starts reacting with alpha male-style "that's bollocks", then I can smell more serious risk. That's a guy who's heard the "nice guy, but" line many times before - and who maybe harbours fantasies of putting "No more Mr Nice Guy" into action in a way that won't go well for me.

 

The most dangerous men always seem to be the ones who feel unappreciated by and resentful towards women. So I turn nasty and harsh with guys who I sense are like that because I feel potentially at risk around them, diplomacy doesn't seem to be working - and sometimes going on the attack feels like the correct way to avert potential risk.

 

I'd really like some of these guys who bitch about female communication to try being a woman for a day. Or hey - you don't even need to change sex. Put yourself in a situation where you're alone with a very large gay man who has huge amounts of testosterone pumping round his body and is feeling horny for you. Let's see how straightforward you feel like being, in that situation, about letting him know you aren't interested.

[FormerNiceGuy]

The thing is with most "Let's just be friends" situations is that they can ALL be removed if you just leave no room for friendship in the initial stages. Hear me out. Most men think that they can be friends with a girl and turn her into a lover. But the thing is....women don't sabatoge friendships.

 

It's easier to change a lover into a friend than to change a friend into a lover.

 

If you like a girl, let her know up front. Don't try to put up this mask or try to act "nice" in order to get with her.

 

All..or most guys are the same. They don't just be "friends" with hot women, just for the sake of being friends. At least not the men that can be proud of calling themselves men.

 

Take a look at all the poor fools here...who keep ranting about this subject. Just read the "Friends and Lovers" section.

 

Do you know what the problem was?

 

The Guy doesn't know that he doesn't have a chance. He doesn't know when to move on. He is so blind to see that this girl doesn't see him that way. He is going after a girl who doesn't want him.

 

My answer.

 

Stop ranting.

 

Deal with it. Don't be like those guys there.

 

And just move on to the next girl. But most importantly, in the initial phases of the relationship, don't just try to keep it friends.

 

A "friend" is a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw, which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

 

Attraction is an emotional and physical response and you can't "convince" a woman to feel it with logics, gifts and niceness.

 

Attraction isn't a choice, but being attractive or getting there is a choice. Basically, women like a man who is very fit, has a career, driven to succeed, and has game and is an overall good guy. Confidence is key and when life is good and you are chasing goals and achieving them, confidence will naturally follow. It is very easy for a woman to sense a man who is not confident and comfortable with who he is. Women are attracted to a man who knows who he is and what he wants in life. There is no question about it.

 

Now...as for these men who got the "Let's just be friends" line....it means they FAILED a qualification listed above. A chump usually keeps trying to get with this girl. But a smart man realizes that he shouldn't go after a girl that doesn't give a damn about him. And he also tries to change himself for the better.

 

If a girl just says "Let's just be friends". Leave her. Why torment yourself? You already have friends who won't use you when this woman is gone. There are a billion women out there and you will find one who likes you too.

 

Women are into looks, but each woman favors a certain look. You might think you're ugly, but that girl you've been staring at all night might feel differently. You won't know until you talk to her. You have to realize that dating is a numbers game and you can't take rejection personally. Just keep talking to every beautiful girl you see, and eventually, you'll find one who thinks that you're the hottest guy who ever lived.

 

I live by this code below.

 

If a female has initially a low interest in you - you move on.

If a female has initially a good level of interest – you keep her

If a female has initially a good level of interest but it is falling – you move on.

If a female has a high level of Interest - keep her

 

Looks get her to open the door, game is what gets you in the door, and personality is what keeps you inside.

 

I have never had a "Let's just be friends" problem ever since.

[McFadden]

Some of the people on here are so bitter and closed minded about the opposite gender that they selectively acknowledge only facts that make thier gender look better.

 

When I do not like someone and do not enjoy thier company I say nothing and don't stay in touch with them. When I want to be friends with them I say that I like them as a friend and it is up to them whether to continue anything or not.

 

For the record I have had guys that I was romantically interested in tell me that they only liked me as a friend. When it happens get over it, don't become bitter against the entire other gender and say that its BS just because they don't want to date you.

[jcster]

I've been trying to be diplomatic on this board, in the same way that I've tried to be diplomatic with guys that won't take no for an answer. Lindya spelled it out for you...what do we freaking do when you guys won't take no for an answer...we lie and say we want to be friends. Quite frankly...NO...I don't want to tell you why because you are a LOSER! I don't want to be your friend, I don't want you to talk to me any more - but you are loud, and persistent and quiet frankly a dick so I will pretend to be nice until you go away.

 

Is that honest enough for you baby?

[Nemo]

Some of the people on here are so bitter and closed minded about the opposite gender that they selectively acknowledge only facts that make thier gender look better.

Very well put.

[alphamale]

I'd say. "I don't feel any chemistry." If he persisted, I'd say "I don't find you attractive." If he still persisted, I'd say "You make me feel uncomfortable/creeped out. Go away."...

 

...His eyes rolled, when I said the "you're a nice guy" thing....and basically his whole manner was, well, a bit like your post there. "Bullsh*t - I'm tired of hearing that from women, blah blah"...

calling a man "nice guy" is almost an insult nowadays. If you bought a brand new expensive outfit and asked me how it looks and I say it looks "nice" than you may be offended. You probably want me to say it looks sexy or wonderful or spectactular.

 

Leave out bull**** about "nice guy" and "being friends"

 

Next time instead of saying he is nice guy and you want to be friends, just say "...I don't know why but I'm just not feeling the romantic chemistry with you. Its such a subjective thing and I hope you'll understand."

[Nemo]

Next time instead of saying he is nice guy and you want to be friends, just say "...I don't know why but I'm just not feeling the romantic chemistry with you. Its such a subjective thing and I hope you'll understand."

That's great advice. The word "nice" is totally synonymous with "boring" and "unremarkable."

[jcster]

But what if he's boring and unremarkable?

[alphamale]

But what if he's boring and unremarkable?

good question JCSTER.....but if I don't want to date a fat and ugly woman I'm not going to tell her its coz she's fat and ugly. Unless i'm hammered in which case I may

[I love hot men.]

a woman who is genuinely interested in a man romantically will never say she wants to be just "friends"...

 

I have to agree. At least she is being honest with you.

[McFadden]

I don't see any reason for some men to be bitter about women they are interested in saying they want to be friends. Maybe the woman wants to be friends or maybe she is just trying to be polite. Either way its up to the GUY to decide that if he doesn't want to be just friends, he has to remove himself from the situation.

 

Like I said I've had people I'm interested in say they only liked me as a friend a few times and I either stayed friends with them or went away from them. I didn't cry and say "THAT'S SUCH BS THAT HE SAID HE WANTS TO BE FRIENDS! HE SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT!"

[jcster]

good question JCSTER.....but if I don't want to date a fat and ugly woman I'm not going to tell her its coz she's fat and ugly. Unless i'm hammered in which case I may

 

EXACTLY...you will say...I would like to be FRIENDS!

[alphamale]

EXACTLY...you will say...I would like to be FRIENDS!

nope....actually I'll say nothing at all.

[jcster]

nope....actually I'll say nothing at all.

 

Right....cause no "fat and ugly" girl could possibly be worth talking to....get it. Nice universe you live in.

[Nemo]

Right....cause no "fat and ugly" girl could possibly be worth talking to....get it. Nice universe you live in.

No, but because he genuinely doesn't want to pursue a friendship as some sort of consolation prize. If he wanted friendship, then he would have asked for that in the first place. It's quite simple, really.

[alphamale]

Right....cause no "fat and ugly" girl could possibly be worth talking to....get it. Nice universe you live in.

talking is no problem, its attraction that would be a problem

 

No, but because he genuinely doesn't want to pursue a friendship as some sort of consolation prize. If he wanted friendship, then he would have asked for that in the first place. It's quite simple, really.

yes, and also I wouldn't want to give hope to her where there is none.

[Nemo]

, and also I wouldn't want to give hope to her where there is none.

Good point. She would just be waiting around for a booty call. That's what "friends" of the opposite sex are for.

[Yamaha]

Many of the guys on here complain because the friendship was not just a "Hey Baby" at the local pub but they saw a girl and was attracted to her and became friends. If she would have said "let's be friends" from the beginning then he would have had the option to decide if he wanted that or remove himself. He went along thinking she liked him as well and then when he thought the friendship was developing into more he finds out she doesn't like him "that way" and he ruined the friendship.

 

Women will say he shouldn't have led them on by pretending to be their friend when he wanted more but they usually know he wanted more ( it's hard to hide when you really like someone ) but let it continue because they liked his company.

 

If you know you only want a friendship with a person ( men and women ) then tell them so these hurt feelings will not destroy what you both have developed. It's the hiding of your intent that ends things in a big mess.

[Storyrider]

Women do this only because they are too wimpy to be seen as the bad guy. If there is some physical threat, I could understand fudging on it, but I have to say I have never once felt physically threatened when I turned down a guy. Maybe my experiences aren't typical...?