Strange feelings about wife's work colleagues strange behavior. What do you think?

[whatiswrong]

Some people cannot forgive their spouse enough to work on the marriage, let alone forget enough to move past it and fix things. AND, that is okay. Some can forgive, can work on the marriage, try their hardest to make it work, but it doesn't work. And some move through it and make their marriage better (albeit different) than before.

 

Keep going with therapy, hopefully she'll change her mind and join you. IF not, atleast you are dealing with your own issues and feelings. And then later, you can decide what is best if she isn't willing to pull her weight.

 

Thank you for writing....

 

Luckily my wife has been attending MC with me and we're making pretty good progress.

 

I plan on bringing up more during our next session.

[Deanster]

You marry someone because they're suppose to be your everything, and sneaking off to have sex with someone else is a blow to your love, intimate life, your vows, it devalues trust, and it also means your wife isn't being truthful when she says you're pleasing her in bed. Just my take on things...

 

Good reply. Thanks for sharing.

 

I've been married 13 years now, and the one thing that has become clear is that asking any one person to be your 'everything' is asking an awful lot, and is probably beyond the capacity of most people and most relationships, especially over long periods of time.

 

I certainly agree that sneaking off to have sex with others is a blow, devalues trust, etc. - but I'd just like to put the idea in your head that 'everything' is both asking a lot, and perhaps creates a level of expectations that's nearly impossible to live up to over many years.

 

I'm not exactly arguing that it's just dandy if she's off screwing somebody else, just that there's a decision to be made about whether that particular item is one that's a show-stopper for the relationship.

[whatiswrong]

Good reply. Thanks for sharing.

 

I've been married 13 years now, and the one thing that has become clear is that asking any one person to be your 'everything' is asking an awful lot, and is probably beyond the capacity of most people and most relationships, especially over long periods of time.

 

I certainly agree that sneaking off to have sex with others is a blow, devalues trust, etc. - but I'd just like to put the idea in your head that 'everything' is both asking a lot, and perhaps creates a level of expectations that's nearly impossible to live up to over many years.

 

I'm not exactly arguing that it's just dandy if she's off screwing somebody else, just that there's a decision to be made about whether that particular item is one that's a show-stopper for the relationship.

 

Hello Dean,

 

 

Thank you for responding! When I stated that your spouse should be your everything, I meant they should be devoted to the person they marry, and sleeping around with other people shouldn’t even be an option. Maybe I am old-fashioned, but if you’re going to sleep around then you shouldn’t get married, it defeats the purpose of it. Just my opinion anyway!

 

Yes, sleeping around is a deal breaker in my opinion!

[Cobra_X30]

Hello Dean,

 

 

Thank you for responding! When I stated that your spouse should be your everything, I meant they should be devoted to the person they marry, and sleeping around with other people shouldn’t even be an option. Maybe I am old-fashioned, but if you’re going to sleep around then you shouldn’t get married, it defeats the purpose of it. Just my opinion anyway!

 

Yes, sleeping around is a deal breaker in my opinion!

 

 

You are so correct in this WIW!

 

You can ask one person to be your everything, and you should. However you cant have unrealistic expectations of what that means. You need to accept your spouse for who she is... not who you want her to be.

 

So many people walk into a marriage with unrealistic expectations placed on thier spouse.

 

Anyways, I hope the MC is doing good things for you two!

[whatiswrong]

Things are looking up overall.... I still have some concerns, though, and its involving my wife's job (which I plan on bringing up during counseling).

 

The other day when I picked her up at work, I kissed her like I always do and she stopped and told me that the owner's sons may be watching, and she was afraid that they may say something to get her in trouble. A red flag popped up... she has kissed me many times when I have picked her up at work, so this really bothered me. According to her, they were outside too and she was concerned. It bothered me.... Oh, we talked about it, but according to her they weren't around when we kissed before at her job. I think its bs really! According to my wife both sons are married, but we all know that doesn't mean anything. lol

 

Anyway, our next counseling session is coming up soon -- I plan on mentioning this very incident.

[whatiswrong]

You are so correct in this WIW!

 

You can ask one person to be your everything, and you should. However you cant have unrealistic expectations of what that means. You need to accept your spouse for who she is... not who you want her to be.

 

So many people walk into a marriage with unrealistic expectations placed on thier spouse.

 

Anyways, I hope the MC is doing good things for you two!

 

 

Thank you for the kind words Cobra! The MC is working... we're not arguing about the ex incident anymore, and the month of August was good overall. We spent time at the beach, went to the theater, and we ate out. There is more harmony in our relationship thanks to the MC, but there are still some things that need to be addressed (please read my last post).

[JayLK]

Glad to hear MC is working for you and your wife WiW. The incident regarding her job is a bit fishy and I would investigate it further. You're also doing the right thing by mentioning it in your next session. If her behavior around you at work has changed then that right there tells it all regarding your suspicions -- especially if she has never done this before. RFA (Red Flag Alert)!

[whichwayisup]

Things are looking up overall.... I still have some concerns, though, and its involving my wife's job (which I plan on bringing up during counseling).

Yes, and the red flags are flapping...

 

The other day when I picked her up at work, I kissed her like I always do and she stopped and told me that the owner's sons may be watching, and she was afraid that they may say something to get her in trouble.

 

WTF? That makes no sense realistically...Yet it's so obvious as well. She was afraid he'd see her kissing you and he'd ask her questions. There's a good chance she's told him that her marriage is on the rocks, that you're mean to her, treat her badly and you two aren't intimate at all. Seems many MW's/MM's tell their OM/OW this - AND it more than likely isn't true. ANY problems IN the marriage are greatly exaggerated.

 

A red flag popped up... she has kissed me many times when I have picked her up at work, so this really bothered me. According to her, they were outside too and she was concerned.

 

So what if they saw? Is there a company policy NO KISSING your spouse outside work infront of the building?

 

It bothered me.... Oh, we talked about it, but according to her they weren't around when we kissed before at her job. I think its bs really! According to my wife both sons are married, but we all know that doesn't mean anything. lol

 

Yup, doesn't mean a thing these days to some....It IS BULLCRAP and don't let her fool you into believing anything different. There is NO real reason for her to feel weird about kissing you...

 

Anyway, our next counseling session is coming up soon -- I plan on mentioning this very incident.

 

Definately bring it up and also mention that maybe it's time your wife quit that job and find another one.

[InvisibleTouch]

Definately bring it up and also mention that maybe it's time your wife quit that job and find another one.

 

 

...and tell her to stop treating you like you are some brainless idiot. There is absolutely no reason she can give for not kissing you hello. That is the most bizzare thing you have reported here.

[Cobra_X30]

Things are looking up overall.... I still have some concerns, though, and its involving my wife's job (which I plan on bringing up during counseling).

 

The other day when I picked her up at work, I kissed her like I always do and she stopped and told me that the owner's sons may be watching, and she was afraid that they may say something to get her in trouble. A red flag popped up... she has kissed me many times when I have picked her up at work, so this really bothered me. According to her, they were outside too and she was concerned. It bothered me.... Oh, we talked about it, but according to her they weren't around when we kissed before at her job. I think its bs really! According to my wife both sons are married, but we all know that doesn't mean anything. lol

 

Anyway, our next counseling session is coming up soon -- I plan on mentioning this very incident.

 

WIW,

 

Dont freak about this stuff. Your wife kind of seems on the sensetive side to what others think.

 

I'd back off the subject (Except in MC), but be very wary. I'm the detective type by nature... so when I run into something fishy, I usually dont bring it up until Ive investigated it! If you ever need ideas let me know!

 

Oh, overall it sounds like things are lookin up though! I'm really really pullin for you!

[whatiswrong]

WIW,

 

Dont freak about this stuff. Your wife kind of seems on the sensetive side to what others think.

 

I'd back off the subject (Except in MC), but be very wary. I'm the detective type by nature... so when I run into something fishy, I usually dont bring it up until Ive investigated it! If you ever need ideas let me know!

 

Oh, overall it sounds like things are lookin up though! I'm really really pullin for you!

 

 

Thank you very much! Any suggestions on how to investigate the job incident?

[LucreziaBorgia]

The other day when I picked her up at work, I kissed her like I always do and she stopped and told me that the owner's sons may be watching, and she was afraid that they may say something to get her in trouble.

 

As a former cheater, I can tell you this - I would do the very same thing if I thought that any of the OM I was with would see me giving affection to my SO. She is sparing OM's feeling at the expense of yours, because she has intimacy with him on a higher priority right now than intimacy with you. It hurts to hear it, and I don't even like having to say it - but when people are in affairs, it is like their rational thinking process has been hijacked and things go emotionally topsy turvy. When they are really hot and heavy, they see being with their spouse as "cheating" on the OP.

 

Its a good thing you are in counseling. As for finding out exactly what is going on... well, nothing short of hiring a PI or your wife confessing will give you that information. A PI is a matter of money. Your wife will only confess what she thinks she can get away with and remain married.

 

I think you are at the tip of a very painful and very large iceberg of discovery.

 

Take it from a long time (but fully reformed) cheat: the first "truth" is never the whole truth...

[whatiswrong]

As a former cheater, I can tell you this - I would do the very same thing if I thought that any of the OM I was with would see me giving affection to my SO. She is sparing OM's feeling at the expense of yours, because she has intimacy with him on a higher priority right now than intimacy with you. It hurts to hear it, and I don't even like having to say it - but when people are in affairs, it is like their rational thinking process has been hijacked and things go emotionally topsy turvy. When they are really hot and heavy, they see being with their spouse as "cheating" on the OP.

 

Its a good thing you are in counseling. As for finding out exactly what is going on... well, nothing short of hiring a PI or your wife confessing will give you that information. A PI is a matter of money. Your wife will only confess what she thinks she can get away with and remain married.

 

I think you are at the tip of a very painful and very large iceberg of discovery.

 

Take it from a long time (but fully reformed) cheat: the first "truth" is never the whole truth...

 

 

Your input on your experience as a former cheater is well received and I thank you for coming forward. I have already caught my wife in a lie regarding the incident at work. As you recall, she said the owner's sons were about and she was afraid something would get back to the boss. Later in the evening, she said one of the sons were watching us. Wait a minute... that isn't what she said originally! In the next breath, my wife says she doesn't know what the owner's sons look like. Ok, I smell BS here! Then how did she know that one of the sons were watching if she can't identify them? Get my drift?

 

All right, so I have my answer to some degree.... something is up at work and my gut instincts were telling me the truth. My wife is almost giving the information away, but what she is expecting me to do with it is a mystery to me.

 

Things between us have improved since attending MC, but I have started looking for a new place just in case. Why? In light of the job incident because my inner self is saying that this is where my gut feelings were coming from. In some ways, this would explain the odd times she would arrive home before she wrecked her car last December. I refuse to live through the same hell twice, and the advice given to me in this thread has given me the confidence that I will survive if I move on. I love her very much, but this could also explain why she hasn't gotten a new job yet. She constantly complains that she wants a 'better' job, but no matter how many job interviews she has the company never calls her back.

 

I get it now.... and I will continue to post new developments as they happen.

 

If I may ask, what do you suggest I do? I have half a mind to call the owner and ask if kissing my wife in front of the building (or anywhere on the lot) is against company policy; I will even mention the son incident.

[Cobra_X30]

Thank you very much! Any suggestions on how to investigate the job incident?

 

Well, this one is a tough nut to crack. Here are a couple of thoughts

1. Do you know anyone where she works?

2. Do you have any close friends or family that live nearby?

3. Do you have any PTO available?

 

We just want to inventory what you have available.

 

You two only have one car right? Step one for me would be taking a minimum of 2 days a week, and making suprise visits to her work to take her out for lunch or just coffee. I'm not sure what kind of environment she works in, but if possible strike up a conversation with other employees while your there. Watch thier reaction when you say your her husband.

 

I know this may not be possible for you to do, depending on your work, but Ive seen this work!

[InvisibleTouch]

This must be tough for you.

 

I think you should look her straight in the eye and ask her straight when you next visit the MC. ie "are you or have you been having an affair with the bosses son at work?"

 

I doubt that she will be able to lie in that situation unless she is completely immoral. And even if she does lie her actions will contradict her words which im sure the MC will pick up on.

[whatiswrong]

Well, this one is a tough nut to crack. Here are a couple of thoughts

1. Do you know anyone where she works?

2. Do you have any close friends or family that live nearby?

3. Do you have any PTO available?

 

We just want to inventory what you have available.

 

You two only have one car right? Step one for me would be taking a minimum of 2 days a week, and making suprise visits to her work to take her out for lunch or just coffee. I'm not sure what kind of environment she works in, but if possible strike up a conversation with other employees while your there. Watch thier reaction when you say your her husband.

 

I know this may not be possible for you to do, depending on your work, but Ive seen this work!

 

Hello Cobra,

 

Please allow me to answer your questions in order:

 

1.) Yes, that gay couple that moved into our apartment complex

 

2.) I have family that live closeby but I doubt they'd help investigate

 

3.) Yes, I have plenty of time available

 

Thank you!

[Cobra_X30]

Hello Cobra,

 

Please allow me to answer your questions in order:

 

1.) Yes, that gay couple that moved into our apartment complex

 

2.) I have family that live closeby but I doubt they'd help investigate

 

3.) Yes, I have plenty of time available

 

Thank you!

 

Perfect! Start making friends with your neighbors ASAP. Tell them you want to start doing some romantic stuff for your wife... lunches... coffee... ect. Find out if they can give you info on when she isnt busy for this... so you can suprise her! Let them know that they are the only ones you know and would really really like some help!

You want to build enough rapport with them so that later you can tell them that she is way different when you see her at work... whats up (in strict confidence)?

 

Odd that your family wouldnt help. I'd go out of my way for family.

 

How well do you know the building where she works?

[whichwayisup]

Your marriage can continue to get better (in her eyes) and she can be honest, tell you the truth (bits and pieces of her truth) but unless the OM is COMPLETELY out of the picture, your marriage really doesn't have a chance to really be fixed and recovery is based on a lie...

[Deanster]

If I may ask, what do you suggest I do? I have half a mind to call the owner and ask if kissing my wife in front of the building (or anywhere on the lot) is against company policy; I will even mention the son incident.

 

WiW - I mean this in the best possible way, as I did my earlier comments, but IMHO, you're getting caught up in the individual incidents, where it's really the PATTERN that matters.

 

Why she specified the 'bosses sons' as the reason for not wanting you to kiss her publicly may or may not have anything to do with the specifics - she might be sleeping with both sons, and doesn't want either of them to know; the sons might be generalized hard-asses, and thus easy to blame for stupid policies; or there may not actually be any sons, it just seemed like a convenient lie. Hard to tell, and not really relevant in the long run. Calling work and asking about the 'kissing policy' is appealing, but not really the right thing, IMHO.

 

Much more important, in my mind is that there is a MAJOR pattern of recent troubling behavior surrounding work, to the point where your neighbors/her coworkers are willing to tell you that it's weird.

 

So, not to beat a dead horse, but I'd like to reiterate my earlier comments that there's some seriously fouled up stuff happening with your wife during and around work hours. It's yielded odd departure and arrival times, significant body scratching in normally-private regions that stopped upon your noticing, a pattern of not being where she should significant enough for work colleagues to mention it, and now an attempt to force you from showing any sign of affection or connection in and around her work.

 

I personally think she's done a brilliant job of having your discussions and those with the MC focus on this one long-ago dinner with her ex, when to all evidence, she's currently/recently physically involved with someone at/around work, and if my experiences with getting scratched up in the act of love are anything to go by, having a darned fine time of it.

 

Once again, I'm not being blunt to be cruel, I just think that it seems like she's managed to get you focused on the old ex-boyfriend incident, when it's the 'shagging the bosses son(s) during work hours over the course of several months' situation that might best deserve your attention.

[IpAncA]

I have half a mind to call the owner and ask if kissing my wife in front of the building (or anywhere on the lot) is against company policy;

 

Oh that's easy. Whomever she didn't want to see, she did it so he wouldn't be jealous enough to give her a hard time or fire.

 

There's no law that says you can't kiss your H/W in public. That's crazy.

 

Make sure you bring that up the sessions and don't let her give you some BS answer.

[whatiswrong]

WiW - I mean this in the best possible way, as I did my earlier comments, but IMHO, you're getting caught up in the individual incidents, where it's really the PATTERN that matters.

 

Why she specified the 'bosses sons' as the reason for not wanting you to kiss her publicly may or may not have anything to do with the specifics - she might be sleeping with both sons, and doesn't want either of them to know; the sons might be generalized hard-asses, and thus easy to blame for stupid policies; or there may not actually be any sons, it just seemed like a convenient lie. Hard to tell, and not really relevant in the long run. Calling work and asking about the 'kissing policy' is appealing, but not really the right thing, IMHO.

 

Much more important, in my mind is that there is a MAJOR pattern of recent troubling behavior surrounding work, to the point where your neighbors/her coworkers are willing to tell you that it's weird.

 

So, not to beat a dead horse, but I'd like to reiterate my earlier comments that there's some seriously fouled up stuff happening with your wife during and around work hours. It's yielded odd departure and arrival times, significant body scratching in normally-private regions that stopped upon your noticing, a pattern of not being where she should significant enough for work colleagues to mention it, and now an attempt to force you from showing any sign of affection or connection in and around her work.

 

I personally think she's done a brilliant job of having your discussions and those with the MC focus on this one long-ago dinner with her ex, when to all evidence, she's currently/recently physically involved with someone at/around work, and if my experiences with getting scratched up in the act of love are anything to go by, having a darned fine time of it.

 

Once again, I'm not being blunt to be cruel, I just think that it seems like she's managed to get you focused on the old ex-boyfriend incident, when it's the 'shagging the bosses son(s) during work hours over the course of several months' situation that might best deserve your attention.

 

Thank you very much for responding... after reading your post it made me realize that we are not discussing the core issue that brought my wife and I to this point.

 

I have already spoken to the MC and requested that we discuss the situation at her job because that has been the core issue right along. I have been watching my wife carefully, and her behavior recently has been very distant at times. The behavior you brought to the table again hasn't occurred since losing her car, but that doesn't mean anything as we know.

 

Our overall relationship is doing much better since starting Therapy, but I feel there is more to the story than what is really being said, and I pray it comes out soon.

[whatiswrong]

Oh that's easy. Whomever she didn't want to see, she did it so he wouldn't be jealous enough to give her a hard time or fire.

 

There's no law that says you can't kiss your H/W in public. That's crazy.

 

Make sure you bring that up the sessions and don't let her give you some BS answer.

 

My thoughts exactly Ip... this never used to be an issue so it's going to be the topic of our next session. I don't believe she is being completely honest about everything.

[Deanster]

No problem... I'm usually the one working the 'distract from the big issue by making a huge guilty deal of the least-damaging thing I can think of..' bit.

 

It's not an attractive thing, but none of us are prefect, right?

 

best of luck. My only advice is to be really clear on what's a deal-breaker for you. Is it lying? Physical or emotional infidelity? Spending money without mutual agreement? Excessive harsh words? Not doing the dishes when she promises?

 

My advice would be to go get some coffee. Take a notebook, and write down a list on each of three pages. First is absolute, obvious deal-breakers - things that would cause you to walk without hesitation. Second is trivial items - things that annoy you, but have no real impact on your long-term relationship. Third is gray areas - things that have a substantial detrimental effect, but aren't instant deal-breakers.

 

Do each list, take some time to move things back and forth, and see how the lists shake out. Deal-breakers is probably short, gray area and trivial are probably longer.

 

Then go through the gray area list, and rank them from minor to major. Then do the same for the other two list.

 

Now you have a fairly clear, rank-ordered representation of your relationship priorities from an 'infraction' point of view. (One could also do the same for positive items, but nobody's ever willing to do it for good stuff).

 

Once you're clear (or at least more clear) about your priorities, it's a whole lot easier to make decisions.

[Deanster]

Any news or updates on this one?

[whatiswrong]

Are my eyes deceiving me? My old thread is back!

 

 

There isn't anything new to update; my wife and I have been getting along since we started therapy and most of the problems we had are non-existent.

 

The MC has been discussing my wife's job and how it's affecting her. However, as of late -- my wife seems to be in a different world when I try to talk to her. I'll have to repeat myself 2-3 times before I get her to respond (which is unlike her). I told her that I was concerned about her 'zoning out' and she explained to me that she hasn't been feeling well (which is true). She is prone to migraine headaches and she has been taking Advil like its candy lately.

 

Her emotions have been awkward too... she was somewhat unaffectionate at one point and now she's all over me! I don't get it... I guess it should be another topic for the MC!