dbtmarley Posted July 16, 2007 Share Posted July 16, 2007 What are you going to do? I know right now you are trying to sort it all out and make sense of it all, but you can't be doing to well. Are you considering ending the marriage? Is that a possibility? Link to post Share on other sites
Author whatiswrong Posted July 16, 2007 Author Share Posted July 16, 2007 What are you going to do? I know right now you are trying to sort it all out and make sense of it all, but you can't be doing to well. Are you considering ending the marriage? Is that a possibility? Divorce is a possibility but we're also locked in a lease so there's a lot of red tape involved. We're going to see the counselor first; from there we will see what will develop afterwards. I also had the privilege of having a one-on-one with the counselor yesterday (after seeing the doc and getting my pills) and told me that I carry a great burden on my shoulders because of my wife's past and current behavior. She said none of it is my fault, and by talking with me that one time, she can tell I have done all I could to make things work. During the next appointment, the counselor wants both my wife and I to sit down together for a session. The therapist said they will help me get the answers to the questions I seek, and also maybe hear things from my wife that I never knew about. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted July 16, 2007 Share Posted July 16, 2007 We're going to see the counselor first; from there we will see what will develop afterwards. I also had the privilege of having a one-on-one with the counselor yesterday (after seeing the doc and getting my pills) and told me that I carry a great burden on my shoulders because of my wife's past and current behavior. She said none of it is my fault, and by talking with me that one time, she can tell I have done all I could to make things work. During the next appointment, the counselor wants both my wife and I to sit down together for a session. The therapist said they will help me get the answers to the questions I seek, and also maybe hear things from my wife that I never knew about. That's great. I'm so glad counselling is an opinion. Good chance to try and get things worked out. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted July 16, 2007 Share Posted July 16, 2007 What kind of past does your wife have that is causing you issues? She wasnt a stripper was she? If I were you... once she starts going to MC, I would back way off and just be the nicest best husband ever. Otherwise the counseling may just go to waste. Link to post Share on other sites
Lynna Posted July 16, 2007 Share Posted July 16, 2007 Pick up the books After the Affair and How Can I Forgive You by Janis Abrahms Spring. I have just read the first chapter of both of them. Just the first chapter of After the Affair describes a lot of what you are experiencing right now. It really gives some good insight. Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted July 16, 2007 Share Posted July 16, 2007 "You two were never in the same place at once". What is that supposed to mean? You two were never with her at the same time?............. Kinda sounds like she's been up to something, and not with you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author whatiswrong Posted July 20, 2007 Author Share Posted July 20, 2007 I've been real busy working on things in my marriage as of late. However, here are some developments: we're seeing the marriage counselor next Thursday for our first session. I am staying optimistic that this will help us in the end, especially after what happened just very recently..... We had a fight regarding her ex just very recently and I told her that I didn't believe her stories because they all conflicted. I also suggested NC for a few days and she flipped out on me. She grabbed a knife from the kitchen and held it to her wrist, threatening to 'do it' because she 'can't live without me not even for a single day'. I was scared... but I calmly told her to 'put the knife down', but she wouldn't listen... and she cut her wrist. In a panic, I grabbed the phone to call 911, but she ripped it from my hands and threw it across the room. I ran into the bathroom to grab a cloth to stop the bleeding because at the time I was so 'panicked' I had no idea how bad it was. When I returned with the cloth, she was sitting on the couch shaking and from what I could tell her wrist wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. I was in tears at this point... I have never been so scared in my life. This changed everything for me that day; I can't believe the extremes she went to prove her point to me about NC, the ex, and everything else. God I can't wait to see the counselor. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted July 20, 2007 Share Posted July 20, 2007 Glad your BOTH seeing MC. It's needed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author whatiswrong Posted July 20, 2007 Author Share Posted July 20, 2007 Glad your BOTH seeing MC. It's needed. My wife doesn't want me to tell the MC about the knife incident; I think I should. What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted July 20, 2007 Share Posted July 20, 2007 Yeah I bet she doesn't. I honstly don't want to suggest something and have it backfire if you choose to take it. She obviously didn't want you to leave and did that so you'd stay which you did. She just can't keep doing that and you shouldn't let her use that as a form of control. This is something you two need to work out and I wouldn't let what happend go untalked about. Whether or not you choose to bring it up in private or in MC is up to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Lynna Posted July 20, 2007 Share Posted July 20, 2007 Wow, that is DRASTIC!!! She clearly needs some independant counseling of her own!!! But be careful, she is manipulating you. She knows how much you care about her and she is willing to do whatever it takes to keep you. If she won't tell the counselor or won't let you bring it up, then I would talk to the counselor privately. You need some professional help in dealing with this. Because you care about her you can't not seek her somehow. But, you also can't let her manipulate you into staying out of fear of what she will do. By doing that she is taking away your freedom to choose. Seek some independent counseling of your own and bring it up there, you can't deal with this on your own. Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted July 21, 2007 Share Posted July 21, 2007 My wife doesn't want me to tell the MC about the knife incident; I think I should. What do you think? There's something very wrong about all of this, was the NC for you two, or her and OM? If it was OM, it tells volumes! Almost sounds like a control tactic! Link to post Share on other sites
InvisibleTouch Posted July 21, 2007 Share Posted July 21, 2007 I said it before, something is not right here. Whats more I dont think we are getting the full story. Whatiswrong, from what you have said your wife has some serious issues. What do you know about her past? Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted July 22, 2007 Share Posted July 22, 2007 Is it possible that she has been self-injuring at other times? The first question I though of was: could this be where the scratches and bruises you noticed were coming from? Of course, given that she would clearly want to keep this kind of behavior a secret (e.g. from the marriage counselor, even though this is clearly a significant event in the issues you are having in your marriage) I would imagine that she would not be too forthcoming in this area. Link to post Share on other sites
Author whatiswrong Posted July 24, 2007 Author Share Posted July 24, 2007 There's something very wrong about all of this, was the NC for you two, or her and OM? If it was OM, it tells volumes! Almost sounds like a control tactic! The NC was for us, the OM hasn't been in the picture for quite some time (from my understanding). Link to post Share on other sites
Author whatiswrong Posted July 24, 2007 Author Share Posted July 24, 2007 I said it before, something is not right here. Whats more I dont think we are getting the full story. Whatiswrong, from what you have said your wife has some serious issues. What do you know about her past? I know only what she tells me.... Her mother died in the early 2000's which caused her to become depressed. According to my wife, she didn't care about herself and dated people that used her for sex. I mean a lot of sex... 2 dates into it and she was screwing them, and then the person would dump her a few weeks later (or sometimes a few months later). She wanted someone to love her and she thought by giving them what they wanted (sex) they would stick around. She was on this destructive path until I came along, but I fell in love with her and we took things very slow before becoming intimate, etc. My wife claims that meeting me changed her entire world because she felt no one would ever love her for herself. I love her for who she is, quirks included, and she knows this. Her home life as a child was up and down too. Her oldest sister was her mother's favorite while she took the brunt of her mother's criticism. So... she was raised in those conditions where she couldn't live up to her mother's expectations no matter how hard she tried. She'd get an A- in school and her mother would ask her why she didn't get an A+; it made my wife's life as a young person stressful and full of pain. My wife was heavy in her teenage years and her mother would be critical about the clothes she wore because they would 'fit better on her older sister'. Even today, my wife's older sister is a snoot and wants to be the center of everyone's attention. Thing is, her older sister is jealous of us. Why? Simple... unlike her husband, I remember all the special occasions in our marriage. I threw my wife a surprise birthday party a few weeks ago, and her sister’s birthday came up and her husband did nothing to celebrate it. However, depression runs in my wife's entire family. Her older sister has it, my wife has it, her father has, and her mother had it worst of all when she was alive. My wife walks around feeling guilty for the reckless life she lived before me, and she wishes everyday that we had met earlier. I have told my wife on many occasions that it doesn't matter to me who she has been with because we're together today, married, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
InvisibleTouch Posted July 24, 2007 Share Posted July 24, 2007 Well first off you have to remember that whatever she does to effect your marriage has nothing to do with you not being good enough as a person. As tough as that is to come to terms with it is the truth and you should focus on taking strength from that. The fact that she is with you at all just goes to show what you mean to her. Im sure she knows just how much you love her and she knows that that is a healthy thing to be associated with. The problem, as im sure you know is that she may not be able to identify with it. Her low self esteem as a result of her negative experiences with her mother has had lasting effects on her make-up which although damaging when it comes to relating is in fact "normal" for people who have been abused. If she is damaged then you also must be aware that you cant fix her, she can only fix herself. You must look after you. This is so so difficult when dealing with someone that you love but if you are going to get through this that is absolutely the stance you have to take regardless of whether you stay together or not. What you can do is stand by her side and encourage her to address and understand whatever issues she has. Firstly she must acknowledge that she is ready to confront those issues, and secondly she must confront them. You dont get involved in how she confronts them, that has to be left to trained therapist. Just be supportive and "there". It will take a lot of strength on both your parts and there will be no guarentee's that it will work but based on what you have said I dont think there are many other alternatives! Link to post Share on other sites
Author whatiswrong Posted July 27, 2007 Author Share Posted July 27, 2007 Well first off you have to remember that whatever she does to effect your marriage has nothing to do with you not being good enough as a person. As tough as that is to come to terms with it is the truth and you should focus on taking strength from that. The fact that she is with you at all just goes to show what you mean to her. Im sure she knows just how much you love her and she knows that that is a healthy thing to be associated with. The problem, as im sure you know is that she may not be able to identify with it. Her low self esteem as a result of her negative experiences with her mother has had lasting effects on her make-up which although damaging when it comes to relating is in fact "normal" for people who have been abused. If she is damaged then you also must be aware that you cant fix her, she can only fix herself. You must look after you. This is so so difficult when dealing with someone that you love but if you are going to get through this that is absolutely the stance you have to take regardless of whether you stay together or not. What you can do is stand by her side and encourage her to address and understand whatever issues she has. Firstly she must acknowledge that she is ready to confront those issues, and secondly she must confront them. You dont get involved in how she confronts them, that has to be left to trained therapist. Just be supportive and "there". It will take a lot of strength on both your parts and there will be no guarentee's that it will work but based on what you have said I dont think there are many other alternatives! Well, we had our first meeting with the MC yesterday. I let everything hang out, including the incident with the ex. The therapist is very understanding and has been very helpful so far. When it came time for my wife to explain her feelings on the ex, etc., she danced around the therapist’s questions and started talking about her deceased mother and her bad childhood (basically she did everything but answer all the questions directly, which is what she does to me at home.). The Therapist asked my wife if she was trying to protect the ex's feelings and mine at the same time, and my wife claimed she wasn't trying to protect her ex's feelings by telling him 'goodbye', and then she turned around and said she would never do anything to hurt me. In the next breath, my wife tells the Therapist that she has been dumped over the phone many times and that she didn't want to do the same thing to her ex. Wouldn't that be protecting his feelings? Sheesh... I'm sure the MC picked up on that one. Do you know what the MC said to my wife three times consecutively? The MC told my wife that she needs to be 'honest' and bring everything to the table or the counseling will be a waste. So there you go... proof in the pudding. Even the MC doesn't feel my wife is being 'open' about the entire ordeal. Next the MC asked me if I thought the ex was still around and I was completely thrown off by the therapist's question. I never gave it much thought until yesterday... I answered and said I felt he was probably around at one point in the background, but I didn't feel he was around today. The MC does feel this problem is fixable and that our marriage isn't in any immediate danger. In either case, we have a second appointment for next week and the Therapist feels we have enough material to work on. Db, InvisibleTouch, and the others -- please wish me luck! I want everything to work out for my wife and I! And thank you for the support you have given me so far. Link to post Share on other sites
JayLK Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 I hate to be the one to say this but if she is pulling the same thing with the MC then you know something is up. On the one hand she could be telling the truth, but on the other she is keeping it to herself afraid that you may leave if the truth is exposed. Just be prepared if it does come out in the open... Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 BIG red flags all over the place! I hate to say it, but, from the looks of it, something happened between her and OM, I hope I'm wrong here, but dang! Playin with the MC's mind too? Somethings going on, and you know it! Heck, WE all know it. Link to post Share on other sites
Lynna Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 Did you tell the MC about the knife incident? Okay, it sounds like your wife is still not being completely honest, BUT counseling just started, give it a little time here. Is your wife willing to have IC? She REALLY needs it. There are a LOT more issues here with her than she is willing to admit. Her upbringing has resulted in issues her whole life and those all need to be dealt with independently of you and your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 MC is great.. however you are not going to get everything out in the first session. It may takes weeks or a few months to peel off all those layers to get to all the answers you seek. Let the counselor do his job, he's experienced this plenty of times before. I would only be concerned at this point if she didn't want to continue counseling, that means she has been cornered and has no way to escape the truth. Keep your mind open and let the counselor do his work. In the meantime between sessions don't interrogate her or the relationship everyday. Remember the positives and work as a team. Link to post Share on other sites
InvisibleTouch Posted July 29, 2007 Share Posted July 29, 2007 Im sorry for all this cr*p you are going through, I really am. The good thing is that if you are going to get out of this fix you have to do what you are doing, so despite the pain hang on in there! Lynna is right, your wife needs to see a therapist "one on one" to resolve her issues. The marriage counsellor wont be able to do that and in fact may put pressure on your wife that she doesn't know how to cope with. Can you try and talk to her about the possibility of her considering that? I dont think the MC will be able to build things unless she has addressed her issues first. Continue to be gentle with her. Too much pressure may push her over the edge. It does sound as though there are going to be a few things bought into the open so prepare yourself for the worst.Whatever comes out be realistic and give yourself time to deal with it, that is as equally important. Bad as it all seems this is a much healthier direction now despite all the cr*p. Link to post Share on other sites
Author whatiswrong Posted July 30, 2007 Author Share Posted July 30, 2007 Im sorry for all this cr*p you are going through, I really am. The good thing is that if you are going to get out of this fix you have to do what you are doing, so despite the pain hang on in there! Lynna is right, your wife needs to see a therapist "one on one" to resolve her issues. The marriage counsellor wont be able to do that and in fact may put pressure on your wife that she doesn't know how to cope with. Can you try and talk to her about the possibility of her considering that? I dont think the MC will be able to build things unless she has addressed her issues first. Continue to be gentle with her. Too much pressure may push her over the edge. It does sound as though there are going to be a few things bought into the open so prepare yourself for the worst.Whatever comes out be realistic and give yourself time to deal with it, that is as equally important. Bad as it all seems this is a much healthier direction now despite all the cr*p. Thank you for the words of encouragement... all of you! I am doing everything I can to stay positive through all this. We had a great day on Saturday with no issues at all. We saw the new Die Hard movie and overall it was a quiet, great day. Sunday was a different story though. She brought up the EX again in an attempt to regain my trust. She went on to say that nothing happened between them and that she wants to regain my trust again. "I want you know that I love you so much" she said on Sunday. "I don't want you to feel that I am fantasizing about other men while we're being intimate." There was a time when she would think about other people while being intimate with me, but she blamed it on her metal illness and tried to assure me that she would push those images aside. Of course, this hasn’t happened in quite some time, so it was the furthest thing from my mind on Sunday until she brought it up again. According to my wife I please her sexual in every way, so try to fathom the on-going confusion this is causing me. But yeah, we had a 'great' Sunday. lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author whatiswrong Posted July 30, 2007 Author Share Posted July 30, 2007 Btw: I've been trying to talk her into seeing a therapist seperate from our MC sessions, but so far nothing has happened. If it wasn’t for me I don’t think we would be attending MC today. Link to post Share on other sites
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