It finally happened

[RecordProducer]

So why did this happen?

I think you don't know yourself why all this happened. You're in some kind of denial that your marriage is perfect or you simply have no moral values. How would you feel if your husband cheated on you?

 

I really don't feel guilty about what we are doing.

 

I'm feeling a little better about myself.

 

I truly think I can handle this for as long as it lasts with no repercussions

I think your husband never really made you feel good about yourself and that's why you don't feel guilty at all. Another example of us loving ourselves in a relationship, not our partner.

 

I'd just like to hear from anyone who has been through something like this, and if you were able to maintain the separateness successfully, and if not why not.

I think all affairs happen for the same reason: (sub)conscious revenge toward a spouse who hasn't made the cheater feel precious and special over years. A third person shows up and takes away the pain, makes things easy, engages the heart in a lighter type of relationship where the feelings are not so strong, yet they're sweet and exciting.

 

I don't think you can separate yourself from yourself. This is not about two men; this is about how these two men make you feel; one gives you security and stability, the other excitement and fun. You're missing the true love in both relationships, but two partial loves added up make life seem more fulfilling.

 

The question is: if you know that you would never leave your husband, but could easily walk away from your boyfriend, why risk to hurt and lose your husband over a stupid adventure? If your husband finds out, things will never be the same between you two, even if you stay married. Is this affair worth the risk? You can never be sure that you will successfully hide your affair 'till the end.

[4whatItsWorth]

I respect, love and admire my H, though you likely don't believe that either.

 

If that is your view of loving and respecting someone...then I am incredibly glad I do not know you in person. Nevertheless, you should work on your self-esteem issues. I think you should have stayed at innocent flirting - that's ego boosting without causing sex to enter the picture.

 

Good to hear you have quit the affair.

[socialight]

you were completely selfish to engage in this affair. That being said, the only thing more selfish would be to unload this guilt off yourself by telling your husband. If you are truely sorry and remorseful for what you did you will cover the evidence (which I believe you have) and then KEEP YOUR DAMN MOUTH SHUT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Carry the guilt of what you did in silence as the pennance you try to make for your sins.

[jmargel]

Here's my story....

5 years ago, out of the blue, I got an email from an old boyfriend. We saw each other while in college in the early 70s, and again in the early 80s. "Saw each other" is really a euphemism for "had sex"; consider the times. We began an online correspondence that pretty quickly turned sexual in nature. At that time it was purely the stuff of fantasy; neither of us really thought anything would come of it and, curiously, it improved my sex life with my husband. Over time the sexual aspect of the online relationship declined and most of our conversations were just friends type stuff-- what our kids were doing, what was going on at work, that kind of thing. Only occasionally did sexy stuff come up, and often more at my instigation than his. Fast forward to this year. He and his wife began having real problems based on horrific issues with their children, which I won't go into here. She pulled away from him and has effectively moved out of their home with one of their (grown) sons. He's been bereft-- they've been married 26 years, and he really believed that it was til death did them part. He's poured out a lot of his pain to me, including his sexual frustration, and that triggered the return of an overtly sexual tone to our conversations. Well, one thing led to another and we have now consummated the previously virtual relationship.

 

I am very happy with my husband, and we have a really good sex life (we're both in our 50s and that means at least 2X a week, sometimes more). I am not in love with the old boyfriend, nor is he with me, and we have made that clear to each other. So why did this happen? Ego, mostly, and my sincere desire to comfort him during what really is an awful time for him (spousal issues apart).

 

But here's the thing-- I really don't feel guilty about what we are doing. I would never want my spouse to find out and I don't anticipate that this will go on long. When I'm not with the other guy I don't miss him and my husband and I get along just as we always have-- maybe even a little better because I'm feeling a little better about myself. I truly think I can handle this for as long as it lasts with no repercussions, and when it's over walk away.

 

Does anybody have any experience with something similar? I've done all the research, so truthfully you don't need to tell me what I'm doing is wrong and that I should immediately tell my spouse and make a clean breast of it. That's not going to happen. I'd just like to hear from anyone who has been through something like this, and if you were able to maintain the separateness successfully, and if not why not.

 

Long winded, aren't I? Sorry.

 

You are on one of my top 10 of digusting people who've I read posts from. Good chance this ex-bf's wife found out about your emails and left him. He had no other card to play.

 

Your husband has a RIGHT to know about this affair, otherwise he is in a marriage under false-pretense. You lie to him everyday that goes by and you don't tell him the truth. You put your husband at risk for STDs. You put your vows down the gutter to have a fling to make yourself feel better about yourself?

 

GET OVER IT! You are trying to slap a label onto something that shouldn't be. You are trying to justify your behavior and excusing yourself. And your lack of remorse is scary.

 

Selfish, immature child is what you are. I truly feel sorry for your husband and the things he is not aware of. I just somehow wish he could read your post and find out the truth. Karma will come back to bite you, and hard. He will find out sooner or later and if it does not come from you then it is a guarantee for divorce. If you confess and tell him now you have a SLIGHT chance at saving this marriage.

 

So what are you going to do?

[Darth Vader]

Forget it Jmargel, she'll never tell, he'll have to find out the hard way, and believe me he will, I wouldn't be surprised if OM's wife is still with him, finds out then tells her husband. Someone else knows about this affair, count on it, and they'll talk, it's just a matter of time..............

[zeldazelda]

coming from someone who thinks cheating doesn't count when it's paid for, i wouldn't let that bother you.

[jmargel]

coming from someone who thinks cheating doesn't count when it's paid for, i wouldn't let that bother you.

 

Zelda start your own thread, don't hijack this one. What I think about strip-clubs has NOTHING to do with this thread.

[Melissa277]

How would you feel if you found out your H was doing the exact same thing?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Forget it Jmargel, she'll never tell, he'll have to find out the hard way, and believe me he will, I wouldn't be surprised if OM's wife is still with him, finds out then tells her husband. Someone else knows about this affair, count on it, and they'll talk, it's just a matter of time..............

 

And OH how they love to talk!!!! Yes, its always just a matter of time til you find out that your little secret is providing more entertainment than a sleezy tabloid, just one more stab to the person who finds themselves in this situation through no choice of their own.

[Darth Vader]

Forget it Jmargel, she'll never tell, he'll have to find out the hard way, and believe me he will, I wouldn't be surprised if OM's wife is still with him, finds out then tells her husband. Someone else knows about this affair, count on it, and they'll talk, it's just a matter of time..............

 

And OH how they love to talk!!!! Yes, its always just a matter of time til you find out that your little secret is providing more entertainment than a sleezy tabloid, just one more stab to the person who finds themselves in this situation through no choice of their own.

 

 

.....and this Epic saga of As the Stomache Turns continues!

[Cobra_X30]

Here is a little piece of insight.

 

No guy on the planet wants to be boring in bed. When was the last time you heard a guy brag about not being able to please his wife?

 

Ultimately, you need to realize that your dissatisfaction with you H in the romance department is actually your complete failure to comunicate. You can shift blame all you want but when it comes right down to it you need to learn to communicate your desires to your H. Its not like ordering from a waiter, some guys can be very dense.

 

What really confuses the crap out of me is how you can get all the way to your age, put in some decades of marriage and not already know this. Do you forget or does it just become too much work or something? My sis is only 21 and knows how to get EXACTLY what she wants from the most rockheaded, dense, fool of a man I have ever met.

 

There, thats my 4cents. I apologize in advance if it sounds harsh.

[zeldazelda]

Zelda start your own thread, don't hijack this one. What I think about strip-clubs has NOTHING to do with this thread.

 

sure it does. you're completely judging someone for doing something that would be okay (to you) if only payment was exchanged.

 

in any case, i was just trying to make her feel better. on this thread.

[Leadnfllw]

I have a question then. I'm sure OM has not and will not tell anyone, as he has more to lose than even I do. And for other reasons that I won't go into here there's not a possibility of an STD issue. Do you think I have to tell my H about it? I really, really don't want to and don't see the value if I really and truly succeed in closing the door on this whole affair.

 

It doesn't matter. What you did was wrong. You're going to be getting some negative karma coming your way, he will either find out or something will happen, sorry but that's the way things are.