It finally happened

[JayLK]

Well, for what it's worth, this wasn't a troll and I'm not a blond (and that was a cheap shot). I guess it was unreasonable to expect even an iota of compassion, or maybe I just showed up in the wrong forum. Later......

 

Compassion? What are you kidding me? Your husband needs the compassion more than you (he is the victim in all this after all).You love your husband? Funny way to show it... screwing your 'friend' behind his back. I will pray everyday that your husband finds out; you deserve the punishment his discovery will bring.

 

My wife was just like you before we got married (and in some ways she hasn't changed -- stupid me!), and when I found out the truth Hell hath no fury.... people like you give marriage a bad name.

[luvstarved]

OP, you are trying to figure out why you don't feel guilty. etc. If someone already said this, pardon the redundancy, but I missed it.

 

You don't feel guilty because you are intoxicated by it. You are under the influence of a powerful "drug" and are having an addictive type reaction to it. You think that it won't go any further emotionally, and that you will never have any consequences. You think that when circumstances change and it will not be possible to continue this relationship, it will be fine with you and your life will continue as before. "I can quit whenever I want"...um, yeah.

 

Many have been there and done that on these boards, but few will admit that they let themselves get out of control; there is always some extenuating circumstance.

 

Truth is, everyone could enjoy fresh and exciting sex with a new partner and some element of the secrecy ups the thrill. I am sure your husband could enjoy it if he had a similar situation. The problem is that, like a drug, it doesn't stop after a few indulgences. The problem is also that it isn't just about you and your choices. Whether he knows about this R or not, it is affecting your husband. Right now, you claim that this effect is positive. If you read the boards, you will discover that this temporary positive effect generally turns ugly.

 

I certainly do understand how you got into this situation and why you currently do not feel bad about it.

 

My point is that it is highly unlikely to continue in this manner. Someone, you or OM, will become emotionally invested, OR your H will find out, OR some external circumstance will force the end of the relationship and you are likely to "crash", suffer withdrawal, whatever, and then that will affect your H too. And he will not be able to help you, because he won't know how.

 

People by nature are not monogamous, your H included. When we marry, we are trading the right to have unbridled sexual escapades for what should be an exclusive and uniquely intimate relationship. Monogamy may be a bore, but cheating does not help marriages. And being single can be lonely and shallow. Go ahead and pick your poison, but don't act surprised when it starts to kill you.

 

This relationship IS a slap in the face to your husband. I noticed that you never addressed the question as to how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. But I think we know the answer. You want to think that this is a "no harm" situation, and wouldn't it be nice if we could all go out and get a little harmless fun on the sly? But it does not work that way and never has. You can't see it because you are "under the influence". When it gets to a point that you can no longer get your "drug", or need a bigger supply, you will start to see the unpleasant aspects, and the lying, guilt, depression will probably be along in due course. Just give them time.

 

Nobody ever thinks it is going to get out of hand. Then, it does.

[wellanydaynow]

luvstarved.....well said. Me thinks OP has "left the building", and hopefully taken a lesson or two with her....

[20nasus]

Actually, I haven't left the building, I've been reading here and in other threads. I've seen a lot of things that have scared the cr*p out of me. I don't know why I hadn't really focused on walking a mile in my H's shoes, I guess I figured he'd never find out and what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him (I know, I know, that's incredibly selfish and shallow and everything else-- hey, I'm not proud, just being honest).

 

Anyway, suffice it to say I've gotten the message. I am going to end it. The sexual relationship is over, breaking all contact will be more difficult but I will find the strength to do that as well. If it's okay I'd like to come back and tell you how it's going.

[whichwayisup]

I'm glad that you didn't leave LS, and I'm glad that you're going to end the affair. NO good can come of it, even if the OM makes you feel good, it's not worth losing your marriage and your life over some hot sex.

 

You'll get alot of support here, so continue to post (and read more threads) to help you through this. Sorry if I came off harshly in any of my replies, but the good thing about harsh advice is, it DOES open people's eyes, sometimes enough (like in your situation) to prevent a person from making a huge mistake.

 

If you feel you can't deal with this on your own, and posting here, consider seeking a therapist.

[20nasus]

I have a question then. I'm sure OM has not and will not tell anyone, as he has more to lose than even I do. And for other reasons that I won't go into here there's not a possibility of an STD issue. Do you think I have to tell my H about it? I really, really don't want to and don't see the value if I really and truly succeed in closing the door on this whole affair.

[whichwayisup]

Get yourself to a dr and have a full check up to make sure you don't have an STD.

 

And, if you really don't want to tell him, then you gotta work on yourself. Therapy can help you understand why you allowed yourself to fall into the arms of another man. It will also help you get the closure you'll need so you can move on and make sure this never happens again with the OM or any OTHER man in the future.

 

Once you've healed and moved on emotionally from the OM, focus on your marriage, your husband and BE a better wife. Put him first. Make him feel loved, special, desired, needed, appreciated...Even talk to him and ask him what needs of his may not be met.

[wellanydaynow]

You said," And for other reasons that I won't go into here there's not a possibility of an STD issue".

 

Oh..... I need to understand this better... no possibility??? did you have unprotected sex... outside of your current R..? You are at risk and so is your BH now, thanks to you.

[serial muse]

"Out of the blue" meant I wasn't expecting or doing anything to reestablish contact; he found me on my high school alumni website. I was stupid to think he just wanted to chat, but that horse is out of the barn.

 

On many levels I know you are right, but here's the thing: I don't want to end it. It's incredibly flattering. It's exciting. It's lovely to be thought of as desirable and worth pursuing; my dear husband is a good man on many levels, but he just doesn't get the romance thing at all. Point is, I want to have my cake and eat it too. How about if I just don't have sex with him anymore? (I know, I'm bargaining here.....)

 

Well, there you go. Self-esteem issues. You say you love and respect your husband, and perhaps you do - but yes, you're compartmentalizing, because ultimately you've made it clear that the number one priority is your failing self-esteem.

 

My advice? Confront that issue for what it is, stop making it about the OM, stop lying to everyone, including yourself. You didn't want to comfort the OM so much as be comforted yourself, from what you've written.

 

Maybe it's time to tackle the real issues - the ones within - and stop playing with fire and justifying hurting others with such weak excuses?

 

And of course you have to tell your husband about the STD issue. Good lord, imagine if the tables were turned! How irate would you be, that you've been exposed in a way you had no control over, and lied to on top of that?

[wellanydaynow]

You said. "Do you think I have to tell my H about it? I really, really don't want to and don't see the value if I really and truly succeed in closing the door on this whole affair.".

 

Remember, "There is no try, there is only do or do not".

[Frances]

I have a question then. I'm sure OM has not and will not tell anyone, as he has more to lose than even I do. And for other reasons that I won't go into here there's not a possibility of an STD issue. Do you think I have to tell my H about it? I really, really don't want to and don't see the value if I really and truly succeed in closing the door on this whole affair.

 

 

As I have said many times Confession is good for the soul but whose soul

 

If you do not intend your husband to find out then you must delete all email, texts anything that would lead him to find out later on and have no cotact whatsoever.

 

Had my husband of deleted all the emails I would never have found out and I would not have had to go through the pain that I did and am still having to go through for the rest of my days. It had been over for 16 months when I found out by just a friendly email. He still kept in contact although it was only on rare occassions like birthday and Christmas and this is what caught him out. It was an EA no sex .

[JayLK]

I think the biggest concern here is whether the OM will come looking for her or not. Does he know where you live? Just saying... I've been down that road and you don't want your H to be there. When the OM comes knocking -- and when the other half finds out -- it's like having a car crash at high-speeds, hitting a brick wall in the process. Everything 'stops' for a moment, and the initial emotion is extreme shock. You've created a time bomb that is slowly ticking away, and you'll spend everyday praying it doesn't go off.

I apologize for coming off strong, but the others are right: being on the other end of an affair can have devestating results to your relationship, your life, and how your spouse will feel towards you.

 

You also need to ask yourself if this is something you would do again. If you answer yes then you need to seek professional help.

[20nasus]

OM isn't/won't come looking for me. All emails deleted (and I have my own pc anyway that has always had password protection to boot up), all voice mails deleted, all call logs and caller IDs deleted, no other tangible evidence exists.

 

My main goals right now are to make sure my H never finds out and to make sure this or anything like it never ever happens again. I've been checking for therapists in my area and really think I need to go that route to understand why I did this in the first place.

[wellanydaynow]

"no other tangible evidence exists."

 

except for the stain on your heart.

[20nasus]

Boy, you nailed that.

 

If it's possible to grow a conscience overnight I did. I'm overwhelmed with guilt and remorse, quite the change from the woman who just yesterday was only looking for some level of approval or acceptance or something. My H is out of the country for a couple of weeks, which in a way is probably good; I'm a basket case right now and maybe the respite will help me work through some of this stuff before he gets back. Just goes to show, there's no free lunch.

[mockeryjones]

Boy, you nailed that.

 

If it's possible to grow a conscience overnight I did. I'm overwhelmed with guilt and remorse, quite the change from the woman who just yesterday was only looking for some level of approval or acceptance or something. My H is out of the country for a couple of weeks, which in a way is probably good; I'm a basket case right now and maybe the respite will help me work through some of this stuff before he gets back. Just goes to show, there's no free lunch.

 

welcome to reality.

 

the good news is this. we all make mistakes. you are not the first person nor will you be the last to have made this particular mistake. just learn from it and never let it happen again.

[zeldazelda]

make a clean breast of it

 

is that really an expression?

[Bryanp]

I would have to ask you that if the roles were reversed wouldn't you expect your husband to be open and honest to you about being in an affair? Wouldn't you respect him more for being honest with you? You are both a team in this marriage. By withholding this information from him that surely he deserves to know about, you are in fact continuing to treat him as a fool. Dosen't he have the right to know what has happened in his marriage so he can make a choice as to whether to work and recover or move on. You are not even allowing him to have this information that he surely deserves to make an informed decision.

 

The bottom line is that either you have a marriage that is based on a foundation of honesty and respect or lies and disrespect. By having sex with another man for a period of time and not telling your husband about it you are in fact continuing to disrespect him and treat him as a fool. My guess is that you do not wish to suffer any consequences to your actions from your husband. Again if the roles were reversed wouldn't you expect your husband to have been honest with you?

[20nasus]

is that really an expression?

 

[sIZE=3]

The New Dictionary of Cultural Literacy, Third Edition. [sIZE=-1]2002.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=+2][COLOR=#9c9c63]make a clean breast of it[/COLOR][/sIZE]

 

To make a full confession: “The judge will give the convict a lighter sentence if he makes a clean breast of his involvement with the crime.”[/sIZE]

[20nasus]

If it were over and done with and no going back, then no, I wouldn't want to know.

[Frances]

If it were over and done with and no going back, then no, I wouldn't want to know.

 

Speaking as a B Wife I would prefer if I had not found out and suffer the pain I have and will do in the future. I would prefer to have put down the problems in our marriage (because I did feel the withdrawell over the years) to him being stressed at work and going through "The male Menopause".

 

I am mad with him for leaving a trail that when I did see that stupid email I was able to learn of how long and all the details. So make sure there is nothing he can find and never do anything to damage your marriage again.

[Darth Vader]

I have a question then. I'm sure OM has not and will not tell anyone, as he has more to lose than even I do. And for other reasons that I won't go into here there's not a possibility of an STD issue. Do you think I have to tell my H about it? I really, really don't want to and don't see the value if I really and truly succeed in closing the door on this whole affair.

 

 

Actually, you should be telling your husband everything, why? Well first off if it was him who had the affair wouldn't you want to know what you could've been exposed to? Like Aids. Also, who's to say if someone didn't see you with OM, that person may know your husband and tell him. Your husband could find out in 15 to 20 years from now and really be pissed that you wasted his life, and not allowing him to deal with it then, or to move on, if he finds out then, you know it is over! This is what we've been trying to convey to you, because you didn't even understand the ramifications of your actions. He may may be bitter, he will be angry to say the least, he'll lose sleep, etc. But you did this to him, now, he has a right to make his own decision about his life, even if it's leaving you.

[Darth Vader]

If it were over and done with and no going back, then no, I wouldn't want to know.

 

 

I smell Bullcrap!

[Darth Vader]

Anyway, All it takes is something you forgot about, or someone who saw you, maybe a friend of your husbands that you don't know, a co-worker perhaps. Trust me, people get around......... They almost always find out.

[Frances]

Actually, you should be telling your husband everything, why? Well first off if it was him who had the affair wouldn't you want to know what you could've been exposed to? Like Aids. Also, who's to say if someone didn't see you with OM, that person may know your husband and tell him. Your husband could find out in 15 to 20 years from now and really be pissed that you wasted his life, and not allowing him to deal with it then, or to move on, if he finds out then, you know it is over! This is what we've been trying to convey to you, because you didn't even understand the ramifications of your actions. He may may be bitter, he will be angry to say the least, he'll lose sleep, etc. But you did this to him, now, he has a right to make his own decision about his life, even if it's leaving you.

 

Has it crossed your mind at all that he may prefer not to know?

 

Apart from the hurt he would feel, he would have to deceide what he wanted to do, should he leave the marriage or try to live with it. I hate the fact that I have to deal with my husband's betrayal, try and work out what I will do, wonder if I will ever be able to forgive him and he did'nt even have sex with the OW. Sometimes its better to let sleeping dogs lie.