Should I go?

[ruby_gloom]

I think that if you find going difficult for financial reasons, then you should definitely not go. Also, I'm sure that if this were the case, she would understand.

 

But I don't think this is really the case, is it?

 

If I were you and had the financial resources to go, I would go. Johan put it nicely.

 

You say you're her friend no matter what, right? Well, that implies that you're her friend during the good times as well as the bad; whether she makes decisions you approve of or not.

 

Like muse, I understand how going might feel hyprocritical, but I don't think it is. You'd only be being a hypocrite if you didn't tell her how you felt about this guy and showed up with the biggest smile on your face, pretending to be her and his best friend forever.

 

But you've told her how you felt and several times at that--and that's all you can really do, I think.

 

You should go if you really consider her your friend. She already knows how you feel about it, so seeing you there will make her feel really happy, I'm sure, because it'll tell her that even though you don't approve of this guy, you still care and approve of her.

 

You don't have to stay for the whole thing or even be chatty with this guy. Just go and give her your sentiments and tell her you wish things will work out, if that how you feel, hang around a bit and go.

 

If I really hated the guy, I wouldn't even speak to him so as to let him know that I'm not there for him, but for her. But that's just me.

 

And maybe you could find something to do with your BF up in WA or something so that you don't pay so much money for just a short evening.

[allina]

I think that if you find going difficult for financial reasons, then you should definitely not go. Also, I'm sure that if this were the case, she would understand.

 

But I don't think this is really the case, is it?

 

If I were you and had the financial resources to go, I would go. Johan put it nicely.

 

You say you're her friend no matter what, right? Well, that implies that you're her friend during the good times as well as the bad; whether she makes decisions you approve of or not.

 

Like muse, I understand how going might feel hyprocritical, but I don't think it is. You'd only be being a hypocrite if you didn't tell her how you felt about this guy and showed up with the biggest smile on your face, pretending to be her and his best friend forever.

 

But you've told her how you felt and several times at that--and that's all you can really do, I think.

 

You should go if you really consider her your friend. She already knows how you feel about it, so seeing you there will make her feel really happy, I'm sure, because it'll tell her that even though you don't approve of this guy, you still care and approve of her.

 

You don't have to stay for the whole thing or even be chatty with this guy. Just go and give her your sentiments and tell her you wish things will work out, if that how you feel, hang around a bit and go.

 

If I really hated the guy, I wouldn't even speak to him so as to let him know that I'm not there for him, but for her. But that's just me.

 

And maybe you could find something to do with your BF up in WA or something so that you don't pay so much money for just a short evening.

 

No, the money really isn't the reason. I actually enjoy weddings and I'd happily spend the money to travel even further to see two people marry, I just don't want to see her marry HIM. I used the money as an excuse to her in case i decide to not go. I still don't know if I will go.

 

I'm not sure if people are understanding the severity of the situation with him. He has shoved her, cusses at her, thrown stuff, kicked the door down and I'm sure there is more she hasn't even told me about.

 

And I'm supposed to go and watch her make a life long commitment to this POS? I'm supposed to cheers this?

 

Also, not that it really matters but my SO can't come.

[alphamale]

And I'm supposed to go and watch her make a life long commitment to this POS? I'm supposed to cheers this?

I don't understand what the big deal here is...just don't go. Its that simple. Why exactly do you want to stress yourself out be unhappy?

 

Your only other option is to go and then when they ask if anyone objects to the union you stand up and speak your mind.

[allina]

I don't understand what the big deal here is...just don't go. Its that simple. Why exactly do you want to stress yourself out be unhappy?

 

Your only other option is to go and then when they ask if anyone objects to the union you stand up and speak your mind.

 

I want to go because I like her and I don't want to ruin the friendship. I also think that sometimes it's nice to put the needs of friends ahead of us. I'm not good with female friends, I have 3 really close female friends that I've been friends with for 10+ years and a handful of others from college (she's one of these) I think it's my fault that i have a hard time having close friendships with woen and I'm trying to be better at it.

 

I've thought of objecting at the wedding, but I could never do that, maybe someone else be.

 

Now this part I hate to admit, but I think in part I'm angry at her

She cries to everyone about how abusive he is then decides to marry him, she's one of those "but I love him" types. It's something I don't understand.

[alphamale]

I want to go because I like her and I don't want to ruin the friendship.

for all practical purposes the friendship is over and exists in name only. after she's married to this clown you won't want to get together with her (or he'll prevent it). And after they have kids they'll fall off the face of the earth. And we're not even thaking into account the distance.

[allina]

for all practical purposes the friendship is over and exists in name only. after she's married to this clown you won't want to get together with her (or he'll prevent it). And after they have kids they'll fall off the face of the earth. And we're not even thaking into account the distance.

 

I haven't even thought of that

Eek @ all my typos in the above post.

[EricOnTheWeb]

Hey.Alinna,I think you should go,just for your friend and not her choice.

She's probably going through things with this and you not showing up may hurt her further..seems she is headed for more hurt with marrying this guy,so yeah I think showing up would be the better choice...

 

Tell that guy to shove off if he ask you for a dance,lol..

[Pyro]

Allina

She wants you to be there. I mean you are one of her closest friends. Wouldn't you want her at your wedding? Even though he is not right for her, you should still go to support her and be happy for her, but if money is an issue for you, then don't go.

[johan]

I've changed my mind. I think you should go.

[Touche]

I've changed my mind. I think you should go.

 

I haven't changed my mind. I don't think she should go.

[johan]

Yeah. You're right. Don't go, Allina.

[Touche]

Yeah. You're right. Don't go, Allina.

 

Poor thing, literally won't know if she's coming or going!

 

Ok, Allina have you decided? Are you going to be true to yourself or listen to all these PC people?

[ruby_gloom]

i haven't changed my mind. i still think she should go.

 

I'm not sure if people are understanding the severity of the situation with him. He has shoved her, cusses at her, thrown stuff, kicked the door down and I'm sure there is more she hasn't even told me about.

 

And I'm supposed to go and watch her make a life long commitment to this POS? I'm supposed to cheers this?

 

i understand what you mean, allina. in fact, i think everyone who is offering their advice does.

 

my problem is that i don't get your point. i don't mean this harsly, but suppose he doesn't shape up and continues to be the same scumbag even after the marriage, right? well, then by going or not, what difference will that make?

 

just because you don't go it'll somehow make things in her future better? not really. whether you go or not makes no difference in that, to be honest. whether you go or not, she's still going to marry that guy. whether you go or not, she will still have a happy/unhappy life with him.

 

this will all happen whether you go or not, and quite frankly, you not going as some sign that "you don't like him" means no more than what you have already told her. you already stated your position and now it is up to her to make the decision, whether it is the right or wrong one.

 

in this case, it seems obvious that she is making the wrong one, but it's not up to you or anyone else but her. i just don't see how you would be a hypocrite by going. if you were one, then you'd be prancing around saying that you looove this guy and that, omygod, he's so, like, totally great and blah blah blah, but you haven't; you have been honest with her about your sentiments for her, him, and the two of them from the onset.

 

by you going, you will not look like a two-face, but rather as the friend who despite not agreeing with her, still manages to be there for her.

 

again, whatever will happen with her and him will happen regardless of you going. you've already tried to 'wake her up' but it has not worked and by you not being at the wedding, she will not all of a sudden say, 'oh, allina is not here. she must really mean what she said. this guy's no good; i'm not marrying him!'

 

honestly, right now it's not about you and what you think anymore. i agree with you, don't get me wrong, in that this guy sounds like a real 'prize' but there isn't much more than you can do now.

 

you can no longer have some sort of influence over her for the future in this regard because it seems she's made up her mind. all you can do is be there in the present and show her you appreciate her and are there for her during a very memorable time of her life.

 

that's all you can do. and be there for her if things go wrong.

 

truly, if i were her, i wouldn't think that you're not going because you believe it's wrong, but rather that you're not going because you weren't able to put your different point of view aside even for such a special day.

 

again, if i were you, i'd go. even if only for a short while. and i would not talk to the guy if i really disliked him. again, this is not about him or so much about the 'union' even, but rather her and you showing her you're there for her . . . no matter what.

[ruby_gloom]

Poor thing, literally won't know if she's coming or going!

 

Ok, Allina have you decided? Are you going to be true to yourself or listen to all these PC people?

 

you and i are sometimes like night and day, i swear. it's funny.

[alphamale]

ALLINA... can we send this issue to arbitration and then put it up to a vote? You'll then have to abide by the results.

[Touche]

Ok, bottom line for me is this: Who the hell wants to be friends with a woman who would pick such a loser for a husband? I would have nothing in common with such a woman. My entire friendship would be ruined because at the core, I'd have nothing in common with a woman who had such low self-esteem and regard for herself that she would want to spend the rest of her life with a man who in Allina's words:

 

"has shoved her, cusses at her, thrown stuff, kicked the door down and I'm sure there is more she hasn't even told me about."

 

And that's the bottom line. Allina, like you, I don't make female friends easily. But like you, I'd have no respect for such a woman. The friendship really is dead from this point on as far as I can see.

 

She'll start calling you when his abuse gets worse (which it will..I guarantee it) and you won't want to hear it. Might as well end it now, as sad as that may be. But it's time to make new friends.

 

Ones who are more in line with who you are and with what your values are.

 

Part of growing up is realizing that sometimes we just outgrow our friends.

[Touche]

you and i are sometimes like night and day, i swear. it's funny.

 

Very true, Ruby. Very true. So different..but alike in some ways. Did you read my last post? Now, there you will see the difference in our philosophies.

[Woggle]

I would go. None of my friends liked my ex and tried to warn me about her but they were all their at the wedding because friends are loyal and stick by each other through the good and the bad.

[Cool Breeze]

An old friend of mine is getting married this fall. She is marrying her bf of 4 years who is a completely worthless pile of sh*t. They live together, he has no job and isn't really trying to do anything besides sit on his ass and spend her money. He's also abusive and just all around an ********* and loser.

 

I'm invited to the wedding but I don't want to go. Why would I want to go celebrate a marriage i am against. The wedding is in WA state so i would have to fly there. Earlier today I was talking with her on aim and mentioned casually that I wasn't sure if i could come, I stated the cost and distance as the reasons. To my surprise she was pretty offended and made me feel really guilty. She knows I hate the guy and i think she's ruining her life so i don't see why she would want me there.

 

Should I just put the friendship first and go? It's one of those situations where i really can't tell if I'm in the wrong.

 

Cost and distance reasons are quite valid for people not attending. You said she's an old friend, not your best friend. I don't feel like you should end the friendship, because she might need a friend if she's married to this loser, but if she is putting the condition that you must attend the wedding in order to remain friends, then so be it. She's long distance, anyway. It sounds like you don't see each other a lot anymore.

[allina]

Thanks. I'm probably not going to go.

 

Not because of the money, not because of the distance, not because I think it will make a difference, not because I'm trying to make a point, I just don't want to.

 

Also, for those that suggested going for a little bit, I can't really drop by WA state for a couple hours then return home.

[EricOnTheWeb]

Alina,in all seriousness,I would go,but I would show up on wedding day toataly naked.

[serial muse]

I certainly think you should abide by your gut instinct - if you're that sure you just can't be there, then don't go. But the question of the nature of the friendship you'll have with her in future has been raised by several people - and that's probably something you should think about...

 

A couple of my long-time friends have had personal crises that I felt a bit judgmental of - one married an abusive man who everyone loathed, and the other had an affair. I had a lot of anger about both situations, I couldn't get on board with their choices and I was, in fact, seriously worried about both of them, for different reasons. But the bottom line is, both of those situations are over and in the past now, and I have to say that I'm really glad I didn't cut off those friends, despite my frustration and, at times, deep anger.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, life is long and it's hard to say what will happen in the future. Remaining someone's friend does not mean you're enabling their choices, but it can be a lifeline for someone to remove themselves from a bad situation.

 

If you do value this person as a friend, you don't need to go to her wedding if you can't summon up the necessary good feeling (and that's fair) - but I hope you won't cut her off, despite your anger at her. That anger seems to be what's driving you right now, and that's understandable - you have a right to surround yourself with people that you feel good about. But bear in mind that there is a strong element of judgment there, and that works both ways; these friends stuck around with me through some bad choices too, and I'm really grateful for that, because I leaned on them heavily.

 

So if you feel that this situation has diminished her in your eyes to the point where, as Touche said, you don't really respect her anymore and don't want her as a friend, then that's one thing.

 

But if you think it's possible to have a friendship in spite of this choice, then there will be times when you'll have to swallow your anger and be willing to listen and be patient. She may pull herself out of it yet, and she may need you. Life is long.

[allina]

 

So if you feel that this situation has diminished her in your eyes to the point where, as Touche said, you don't really respect her anymore and don't want her as a friend, then that's one thing.

 

But if you think it's possible to have a friendship in spite of this choice, then there will be times when you'll have to swallow your anger and be willing to listen and be patient. She may pull herself out of it yet, and she may need you. Life is long.

 

It's not that I don't want to be friends with her, I do and I hope we remain friends.

 

I sort of believe what Alpha said on the previous page, once she's off married to him the friendship probably won't continue anyways.

 

The way I feel about it is why should I fly to Seattle alone, stay there alone, and spend all this money to go to a wedding that I don't want to see happen, for a person that probably won't even be my friend after she's married anyways.

[EricOnTheWeb]

Allina,this is such a hard decision for ya,is she a real close friend?

I'd get mad to if a friend of mine was marrying a drunken fool prick...

Its to bad you couldn't talk to her about marrying this creep...She'll probably bite your head off if you confront her about it..

 

I hate guys like this...I wanna smack them...unappreaciative pricks.

[allina]

Allina,this is such a hard decision for ya,is she a real close friend?

I'd get mad to if a friend of mine was marrying a drunken fool prick...

Its to bad you couldn't talk to her about marrying this creep...She'll probably bite your head off if you confront her about it..

 

I hate guys like this...I wanna smack them...unappreaciative pricks.

 

Well she was a pretty good friend when she lived here, I don't see her much since she moved out of state. She is someone I would like to keep in touch with but I think it may not happen no matter if I go to the wedding or not.

 

I have talked to her about marring him, she has come to me many times telling me all the crap he's done and ho bad he treats her. Then he'll buy her a cd or something or not yell at her for a day and all the abuse is erased