basscatcher Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 Think of each question and imagin being in that place? With your heart invested.... How would you feel if you reached our for someone's hand and they didn't hold yours back? How would you feel if you kiss someone and they didn't kiss you back? How would you feel if you loved someone and you didn't know if they loved you back? How would you feel if you told someone you loved them and they laughed? How would you feel if you hugged someone and they didn't hug you back? How would you feel if you wanted to embrace someone and they didn't embrace you back? How would you feel if you gazed at someone with love in your eyes and they never gazed back at you? How would you feel if you never recieved reassuring touches from someone you loved? How would you feel if you loved someone and they tell you they don't know what they feel for you (1/2 yr later)? *Would you wait to see if they could return your feelings? *What if that person only shows his/her feelings when under the influence of alcohol? How would you feel if you shared your life with someone and they didn't share theirs with you? (communication) *How long do you think you should wait before moving on? *How do you let go when they are there for you, spend lots of time with you, call you everyday, has given you gifts, you are in love with them, and they don't know how they feel about you? *Would you want to be with that person?
Author basscatcher Posted March 19, 2006 Author Posted March 19, 2006 I would like people to seriously think about these things and answer honestly. You need to imagin your in love with someone and this is what you get in return after 5 1/2 months in a relationship-you've met that persons children and brothers. That person takes you out all the time and pays for everything. The sex is loving and passionate. BUT that person says they don't know how they feel about you but they are the one who makes all the moves and plans. Give me your scenario of how you would handle this situation. Be honest. You have to put yourself in these shoes in order to answer honestly..
Dinnj1 Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 *Would you want to be with that person? No, I wouldn't.
Author basscatcher Posted March 19, 2006 Author Posted March 19, 2006 No, I wouldn't. Thanks Dinnj. Would it be easy for you to walk away if she gave you everything but her love, affectionate touch's, and communication about her inner-most life; When you are in love with her?
juliainoz Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 ive been there done that and no i wouldnt..... i had come out of a relationship like that 3 months ago, and then met someone 2 months ago, who has given me everything that i have given them, love, hugs, kisses u name it. If u dont get out now, u will come to resent it, and you wont be open to find someone who can give u what u need and deserve just my 2c.
Dinnj1 Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 Hell no, it wouldn't be easy to leave. Cause now she'd be considered a challenge for me. (I have a problem with chasing challenges) If I'm only gettin' 75% of what she has to offer, then that makes me hungry for more... this is where I normally would start asking questions, whinin' pinin' and coming off as a pansie, ultimately pushing her away. Then I end up alone anyway, here on LS lookin' for some false hope from strangers.
justagirliegirl Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 If they don't meet your emotional and physical needs...needs for affection and wasn't able to share themselves with you, what are you getting out of the relationship? Your list sounds all too familiar and he was maybe a little better on some of the things If I said I love you he would say it back Things started out where he would do most of those things but as he got comfortable he simply stopped giving me affection. Everything about what he was doing was some big f***ing secret. In 20 years of marriage I think I saw his paycheck maybe 6 times. I would try to give him a hug and he would stand there like a statue. Sex eventually became non existant. Another commonality is alcoholism. These people are emotional cripples. If he is like that at 5 1/2 months that is not good. As hard as it may be, cut your losses and move on.
Author basscatcher Posted March 19, 2006 Author Posted March 19, 2006 Thanks for your insight juliainoz. Dinnj-Thats how I feel I am becoming. I feel desperate and I appear insecure (which I really am not..) justagirliegirl you said "These people are emotional cripples." and "If he is like that at 5 1/2 months that is not good. As hard as it may be, cut your losses and move on." I have been thinking about this for the past week. I also wonder if he needs to miss me to wake up. One never can tell until we chose to step back, step off and move on.. It is scary for me right now. He has given me so much but I am missing so much from him in the relationship. The more time that goes by the more I am feeling the hurt and desire for more.. I am not getting more from him. He is not growing with me.. We both made the statement last night on the phone "what are we doing together?" This is scary. He said he doesn't see a problem. I do..
justagirliegirl Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 Thanks for your insight juliainoz. Dinnj-Thats how I feel I am becoming. I feel desperate and I appear insecure (which I really am not..) justagirliegirl you said "These people are emotional cripples." and "If he is like that at 5 1/2 months that is not good. As hard as it may be, cut your losses and move on." I have been thinking about this for the past week. I also wonder if he needs to miss me to wake up. One never can tell until we chose to step back, step off and move on.. It is scary for me right now. He has given me so much but I am missing so much from him in the relationship. The more time that goes by the more I am feeling the hurt and desire for more.. I am not getting more from him. He is not growing with me.. We both made the statement last night on the phone "what are we doing together?" This is scary. He said he doesn't see a problem. I do.. Unfortunately these guys have been this way for years. It has nothing to do with you or him missing you. My ex was married before me and he was the same way with her I found out many years later. He is not able to grow with you. People with addictions often become stuck emotionally at the age where they first became hooked as they use whatever to self medicate it makes it hard for them to grow and progress normally. I think my ex begann drinking in his teens and that is pretty much where he is stuck I wasted my entire youth on my ex. They never see it as a problem. It has nothing to do with you. They simply are not capable of giving in the normal sense. It wasn't easy to walk away after 20 years and at the time I loved this man and tried everything to make things work. I left several times thinking he would wake up but it never worked. He would make all kinds of promises but within weeks of my being back he was right back to being the same way.
Dinnj1 Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 *at this exact point in a ANY relationship* is where instincts tell a person to question the others thoughts and feelings... inturn, 'pushing'. It almost always happens. The hardest part is the pulling away, which would be the right thing to do. You said it yourself.... I also wonder if he needs to miss me to wake up Yes, he does... But no one said you have to leave him. In a subtle way, just pull back a bit. If the relationship is lopsided 60-40 YOU with giving your all... then why should you??? Let him feel as though he could lose you....it may only be a termporary fix for the given situation though... my opinion. People don't change their overall personality traits.
Touche Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 And he never will see a problem. He is just emotionally unavailable. A broken person in a way. I was with someone like this (married to one actually). It was the loneliest feeling. Wished I hadn't stuck around so long waiting for him to change. The only time he was emotionally there was when I'd leave. Then he'd give me everything I wanted emotionally but after he got secure that I was back, he'd be his cold self again. These people rarely change. Don't waste years and years like I did. If it's like this NOW in the early stages of love, it gets MUCH worse later and you'll grow to resent it even more. It might be tough but I'd tell him the reasons why you don't want to continue and step back. Call it a "break" if you want to. But he'll probably shower you with attention and love when you do this...unfortunately, it's always short-lived. Good luck and it's good you found this out this early. Now, it's up to you whether to put up with it and accept it or look elsewhere. He won't change in my opinion.
SoleMate Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 padameckla, you are obviously a warmhearted person who craves lots of love and affection from your partner. According to Dr. Willard Harley, since you are a woman, your top 5 emotional needs from your partner are likely to include: AffectionConversationOpenness and honesty These are emotional NEEDS, so you desire for them is profound. When your partner meets those needs thoroughly, you feel very happy. If he doesn't, or does a half-baked job, you feel sad and lonely (and maybe angry if you are anything like me). I know you want specific answers, so here goes: How would you feel if you reached our for someone's hand and they didn't hold yours back? --> Surprised - because that has never happened before. How would you feel if you kiss someone and they didn't kiss you back? --> Embarrassed and hurt. How would you feel if you loved someone and you didn't know if they loved you back? --> Early stages: challenged, excited. Later stages: angry, resentful.. How would you feel if you told someone you loved them and they laughed? --> Hurt and angry, verging on some anger at myself for putting my feelings out in front of someone who clearly didn't appreciate them. How would you feel if you hugged someone and they didn't hug you back? --> Ever? Then...I better not touch that person anymore. How would you feel if you wanted to embrace someone and they didn't embrace you back? --> Disconnected, lonely, unworthy. How would you feel if you gazed at someone with love in your eyes and they never gazed back at you? --> Am I looking at a human being or a department store mannequin? How would you feel if you never recieved reassuring touches from someone you loved? --> I don't think I could sustain love indefinitely without touching. How would you feel if you loved someone and they tell you they don't know what they feel for you (1/2 yr later)? --> In some circumstances, I would be willing to give them time. Not the "stone cold robot" scenario you describe. *Would you wait to see if they could return your feelings? --> Only if I saw clear evidence that the robotic behavior was temporary and due to wear off soon. *What if that person only shows his/her feelings when under the influence of alcohol? --> Then I would assume that the person was an alcoholic and I would run like h*ll because my mother told me to never get involved with an alcoholic. How would you feel if you shared your life with someone and they didn't share theirs with you? (communication) --> Unworthy, lonely, talking to a wall, would rather watch TV than be in a "relationship" like that. *How long do you think you should wait before moving on? --> I would give it it time only to the extent that I had GOOD REASON to believe time would be helpful. That applies only if some kind of CHANGE is actively being sought and is underway. As far as just hoping that flipping calendar pages will make a difference, forget it! *How do you let go when they are there for you, spend lots of time with you, call you everyday, has given you gifts, you are in love with them, and they don't know how they feel about you? --> I would do exactly what you're doing - try to reconcile the loving behavior with the unloving behavior, and probably find smoke coming out og my ears before long as my brain circuitry overloads with the inconsistency of it all. *Would you want to be with that person? --> No.
Author basscatcher Posted March 19, 2006 Author Posted March 19, 2006 You all speak the truth... You are all correct... I am dieing inside right now.. My heart is heavy and I ache once again... I talked with a gf last night for 3 hours. We both agreed "Men are from Mars" When they are older and single they carry so much baggage and they don't know how to unpack it. When we ask them to unpack it they run away. As I told Charlie "you don't get it, because your a man--Your dumber then a box of rocks." I hit below the belt and I knew I shouldn't have said that to him and generalized him just because he is a man. I know ALL men aren't emotionally crippled. The remark I gave him was because he asked me what was wrong now because we would see each other in a few hours after I tried to explain to him what was going on with me about him and I. (which I didn't see him-plans were canceled....) Miscommunication is happening and its really hurting me. Its like he isn't hearing me or understanding me.. I feel under valued, under appreciated and not understood.
juliainoz Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 trust me - wouldnt it be easier to end it now - rather than put up with not getting love returned? once u have split - u can concentrate on you - then find someone who will give u what u need! have faith in yourself
Touche Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 You feel exactly like I felt with the man I was married to. He didn't even used to like to cuddle at night. I had to be on my end of the bed and he on his. He said he couldn't sleep if we were touching. And he told me that people over use the words "I love you." When we went to work in the morning and came home...no hello and goodbye kisses. It made me feel unloved and VERY lonely. It was so weird because whenever he thought he was going to lose me, he'd be EXTREMELY affectionate. But it was obviously an act. He knew what I needed/wanted but could not give it on any kind of consistent basis. By the way, he did have an alcohol problem. I never really connected that problem to his being emotionally distant but one poster on here did connect that. I thought that was interesting. Funny, but I never minded his alcohol problem for the most part because that was also when he'd get a little warmer and somewhat affectionate. The problem was that after a while he became angry when drinking and the affection was rarely there even when he drank towards the end of our marriage. Only anger...lots of anger and crazy behavior. Have you seen the anger yet? Because it's there, I'd venture to say. And after awhile when he's drinking, that's ALL you'll see. No affection even then. If you stay with him longer, at least pull back. NO touching/kissing. See, if he even notices or makes the effort to come to you. If he doesn't then you'll have your answer loud and clear...or louder and more clear than you already do now.
riobikini Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 RE: Padameckla: "How would you feel if you loved someone and they tell you they don't know what they feel for you (1/2 yr later)?" PadaM: Almost all your questions applied to my decision to be the one to make the break in my recent relationship. (Just click my Avatar to read my very first thread and follow through with one called " The Lonely Thing". I lived in obvious denial for most of the time we were 'dating'. It was the longest, most drawn out date I have ever experienced, due to the fact I slowly realized was in love with a dyed-in-the-wool Commitment-phobe. (They look 'normal', you know, -from the outside.) He never loved me, he never gave me any emotional return, -that is, unless you (I) made excuses to count those confusing, very deliberately misleading vague words, comments, and actions. It is a very painful existence. It was my first experience being in love with someone like this and its effect was quiet humiliating for me, as I never felt that I was ever valued enough to merit his complete focus and commitment for a close relationship. There was always this big question mark regarding where I stood and what I should expect hanging there like a dark cloud over the relationship. I felt like a complete fool, -and in fact, I was a fool. I kept giving him time to develop feelings I was sure he should have already developed, by now; I made excuses because he didn't seem to have them; I focused on how charming he was and how I felt about him, -instead of truly accepting that he did not, could not, would not -ever- have the same feelings for me. Thank God for my strong background, -I finally -after having enough of feeling abandoned, rejected, and totally unlovable by this man- made the very hard decision to end it. It caused a tremendous battle with my emotions, that I knew would happen. I had given it long and very careful thought, and had prepared for what I knew was coming : I decided the best way for me to end this type of relationship, that was so bad for me, -was to just employ the most extreme kind of ending -rip it (the love) out, so to speak. So, with all the strength I could muster, I left on a holiday, immersed myself in lots of people contact, truly tried to ignore the painful break, and just burned with it for a few weeks with no contact. It helped get me over the worst part and actually helped me face up to the real stark-naked facts, swallow them whole, and continue my battle. I wrestled with the whole thing every day and most nights. I almost couldn't bear it. I'm still dealing with it, but I am determined to -not only keep moving forward- but also to be very careful about latching onto another just like him, -ever! Hope this answers some of your questions, Pada. Take care. -Rio
Dinnj1 Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 then find someone who will give u what u need! oh yea... piece o' cake!
Touche Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 oh yea... piece o' cake! Well, maybe it's not a piece o' cake as you say, BUT it's not impossible either. I was MUCH smarter the second time around and knew the red flags to watch for. I found someone who gives me what I need and so can Pad.
Dinnj1 Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 I found someone who gives me what I need and so can Pad. Yes, most of us have.... it's just easier said then done.... And sometimes very hard and hurtful to 'hear' during this stage of the relationship. A brokenhearted, emotional mess of person... (no offense pada' ) never wants to hear... "Move on! Find someone else! You can do better!" It's when they can say it to themselves that they are ready to hear it.
Touche Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 Yes, most of us have.... it's just easier said then done.... And sometimes very hard and hurtful to 'hear' during this stage of the relationship. A brokenhearted, emotional mess of person... (no offense pada' ) never wants to hear... "Move on! Find someone else! You can do better!" It's when they can say it to themselves that they are ready to hear it. I agree but I think Pad is already saying that to herself. I don't think she's "an emotional mess of a person" at all. She's had her head on straight about this since day one...I know, I've been following along. She's been careful and observant. She knows what she had to do now, I think.
juliainoz Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 sorry i spose it wasnt very "sensitive" of me - but i was just being black and white....i didnt mean she was going to go out the very next day, get over this bloke and meet someone else, but in her own time, if she gives herself a chance she will be able to meet someone who is able to give her everything she needs in an emotional, physical and spiritual and intellectual sense. thats all i was trying to say, i spose i was a bit blunt earlier.
riobikini Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 PadaM: The following recent thread has some very good info. I posted a few words in it, based on my own recent experience with CP's..posts #10 & 14 are the best of what I had to contribute...but there is much great first-hand experience from others in that thread. LS has been good for me in hearing the experiences of others in dealing with this problem. Here is the LS link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=83872 -Rio
Author basscatcher Posted March 19, 2006 Author Posted March 19, 2006 ........ I found someone who gives me what I need and so can Pad. I had what I searched for last year.. I had the perfect man.. He fullfilled me in everyway.. but he was weak-he left me and fell back into his x's arms. He still tells me he loves me (even though he recently married the other woman) and said I was the most loving and giving woman he has ever had and he misses me. I told him he is married and he needs to focus on his wife. I told him he made his choice and I am not his councelor. I told him if he has problems with his wife then he needs to help himself and go get help. I told him I cannot help him and he made his choice and that was the other woman.. So I did find someone who gave me what I needed but he showed that his ability to make solid, smart, and healthy decisions in life is not what I want in a man. (this man ripped my heart out and stomped on it.....! A year ago.) With him I got all the affection, communication, time and attention. but he was irresponsible with his life. Now I got involved with a man who gives me time, has contact personally but isn't affectionate, can't communicate his feelings, is emotionally handicapped. He is introverted and can't bring out his personal person to share with me. He is stable financialy, is attentive, is a physically loyal person but emotionally unavailable. We have similiar interests and like to do similiar activities. But he is emotionally unavailable. WTH is wrong with me that I can't meet balanced guy.. I am 37 yrs old. I am personable, giving, affectionate, understanding, I am not so ugly that I repluse men (I've never had a problem attracting men), I am educated, outgoing, I have determination and drive. I cook, I clean, I am family oriented, children are attracted to me, I am so relationship oriented I understand too much. I don't run from problems I face them and work to find a solution to them. Gawd listen to me. I am piety partying myself.. Ughhhh I hate this:mad: .. I am starving for Charlies affection and want my feelings returned and he says he doesn't know what he feels. You are all right and you all are sharing your wisdom from your own experiences. Thank you so much.. I know I am not alone.. Its hard to make the choice because my heart and my head are not on the same page..
riobikini Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 PadaM: "I am starving for Charlies affection and want my feelings returned and he says he doesn't know what he feels." Exactly how I felt, word for word, -and he even said similar words to the ones you mentioned " I don't know what I want ". In regards to his feelings, he would only admit -when pressed- to having 'affection' for me. Not what I was hoping to hear! -Rio
riobikini Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 The wise saying "You can't make someone love you", truly applies with a CP. -Rio
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