WTF?!?! Lunch with the ex (her invite) after 5 months NC!!!

[suddendumpee]

For those interested in the history of the situation:

 

Initial post here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t255195/

 

The the post after realizing her cheating/lies here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t256901/

 

The first e-mail from her (ignored by me) here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=259935

 

 

So as many of you know, I work at the same company as my ex (different states). I had to fly to her state for a convention and I feared that she would be there. I am no longer FB friends with her, but I do have some of her friends still on my list. When I landed, I made a status update about where I was.

 

Within minutes, I start getting texts from her best friend/roommate who expressed excitement that I was in town. She started small-talking about random stuff, then asked if I had any plans. I ignored it. Later she starts chatting with me again via text, then says "You should make it over to this side of town. Would be great to see you!"

 

Of course I think this is strange, because "My roommate's ex is in town, and I would love to hang with him." just didn't add up. I figure there is an agenda of some sort. Anyway, I respond with "I'm pretty busy, but if I have time, that would be fun."

 

The next day the ex starts sending me the first (non-business) text messages in 5 months. She starts with:

 

"Are you in town for the meeting?"

 

I know she knows I am, as she has access to my work calendar, and I'm sure she was sitting right next to her roommate as we were messaging the night before. I simply reply:

 

"Yes"

 

She says "Well, we have good weather for you! We will all be there tomorrow."

 

I do not respond. The next day, she arrives. We avoid each other for a while, then finally I walk up and say "Nice to see you. Sort of" with a smirk. She says "Nice to see you sort of too", then she proceeds to ask me to grab lunch with her and I said "Sure".

 

We go to lunch and I make it a point to be my self, and not mention the past at all. Then she starts in with:

 

Her: "I felt really bad for sending you that e-mail" (the one I ignored, so that obviously had an effect)

 

Me: "Why?"

 

Her: "Because all you exes send you that e-mail and I know you hate it. I'm sorry"

 

Me: "Nothing to be sorry about."

 

Her: "Well, I really miss talking to you!"

 

Me: "Uhhh. Sorry about your luck?"

 

Her: "Haha. I know. It's my fault"

 

Then we just go back to normal convo and she's filling me in on her life, and asking about mine. She asks what I'm doing that evening, and I tell her I am getting dinner with her roommate and her fiance, and she says "Cool, they will like to see you."

 

We go back to the meeting, and before she leaved, she says "Well, it was really nice to see you." and she leaves.

 

Later that day, she sends me a text "So I was thinking. Would you mind if I joined you guys for dinner tonight? If not, I understand"

 

I say "F**k that. Find you own fun." wait a few minutes then say "Kidding. See you there"

 

She says "You got jokes huh? See you later"

 

So I meet them all for dinner, and we are just having good conversation. The ex is talking a lot about our past (walking down memory lane) through the dinner. The 2 girls go to the bathroom, and come back with what seemed to be a contrived plan to get my ex away for a bit.

 

Her roommate "Well, (the ex) has to leave because she made plans with our girlfriends, but would you like to join my man and I for drinks up the road?" I agreed. The ex leaves with a hug again, and a "really nice to see you".

 

We go to get drinks up the road, and when her man goes to the restroom, the reason for the ex leaving becomes apparent. Her roommate starts in:

 

"So I need to tell you something...unless you don't want to hear it." I say "Shoot". She says "I just wanted to let you know that I miss you terribly. I feel weird saying that as your ex's best friend, but I do miss you...as a friend you know? I feel so badly for the way things went down, but I want you to know that that girl cares about you very much. Not long after things ended, she was crying to me saying "Why did I do that?". When she saw you were coming to town, she had to see you, but wasn't sure how you'd react. She still wonders why she did it, and has even mentioned that if the 2 of you were together today, things would be different. You just caught her in a bad time where she was very confused and heartbroken, and unable to let go of her ex/got caught up in the party life. I asked her to think about why things ended, and she said that you were pressuring her for things she wasn't prepared for, but just so you know...I don't blame you. After 7 months, it was time. You just need to know that I loved you two together, and I still have high hopes for you guys"

 

Then her man comes back from the restroom, and she says we have to stop talking about it. Miraculously after the conversation, the roommate gets a text from my ex "Oh geez (the ex) locked herself out of the apartment, so she's coming back" She returns, and we all share drinks for another 1.5 hours before finally parting for good. This time, she gives me a huge hug and says "Don't be a stranger, and please don't NOT talk to me". I just laugh and say "Have a good evening".

 

The next day (today), I get a text from the roomate thanking me for a great time, and 3 lame texts from the ex:

 

Her: "Is the meeting busier today?"

 

Me: "No, I got to leave early"

 

Her: "Nice"

 

2 hours later

 

Her: "Well, I hope you landed safely!"

 

Me: "I did. Thank you"

 

Her: "Again. Nice seeing you!"

 

Me: "Ditto"

 

This brings us to the present. Obviously it SEEMS as though the grass MAY NOT be greener after all, and she's feeling me out to see if she still has me around should she decide to leave her man. The interesting thing is, I got the feeling the down to earth, motivated girl I met is back. And the partying, alcohol driven person she became has left. She seemed like her old self again. Her bad influence drunk/clubbing friend is moving out of state. She said this girl burned her out on the bar scene, and she's just been staying in now.

 

It's funny that I'm not pinning on hope after this, but I am curious what this all means. I do feel like the strength I've gained from this experience has leveled her out in my mind, and I could care less what happens. What do you all make of this? Keep in mind, she is still dating this guy, and I don't intend to try to break them up. I would be up for a second shot after lengthy discussions as long as SHE did/said the right things.

 

Thanks in advance for your interpretation and advice!

Edited March 27, 2011 by suddendumpee

[GreenPolicy]

She's just cake eating. I'd ignore her.

[timchambo]

Must be a great feeling. Well if I was in your situation I would feel great. For some reason I would get a lot of satisfaction in knowing she thought that highly of you to put her pride aside and put the cards on the table, whether through her friend or her own actions. I have seen this exact situation play out before. In the end they ended up back together. In fact this girl that came back is now supporting this guy through the hardest time of his life. She left originally for the party scene as well. But she also was open about it, and left long before she found someone else.

 

I get the sense that her friends words are true. These don't sound like breadcrumbs as they are through a 3rd party who doesn't have the emotional stake in it that either of you two do. It goes without saying that you have to be careful with this girl. She burned you once, so I wouldn't be letting my guard down any time soon.

 

I too am going through a similar situation, though she hasn't reached out to the extent your ex has. I also have gained a sense of strength and independence from this whole situation. Funny how just months ago nothing could have satisfied us more then having them back. Here we are only a short time later with a completely different mind set.

 

Best of luck

[timchambo]

She's just cake eating. I'd ignore her.

 

Strange, I don't get that impression at all. Every time I have seen a girl leave a guy like this, they paint them black. "hes no good in bed", "I dont love him anymore", etc. to all their friends. It would take some serious regret for a girl to own her actions and spill like that to her girl friend. Not something I could see her doing if she was just cake eating. I guess its totally possible that this friend of hers is a total manipulative bitch too, but I think OP would know this or not.

[carhill]

Attempting to read between the line forestalls healing and growth. Your ex lives in another state and is dating another man. EOS.

 

I recall recently speaking with my exW's best friend, who also happens to clean my teeth. Neither she nor I mentioned my exW once, with conversation being about what we each had going on in our lives. That's one example of how to 'handle' a breakup, in our case, divorce. It's done, over; move on. Good friends respect that.

 

My read is you're still attached. It's up to you how long you wish to remain in this limbo. Your ex is being 'friendly' for her own reasons which have nothing to do with you. Accept that. If she wanted to be with you, she'd be with you. That's not the case. She lives in another state and is dating another man. There are probably good reasons for that, on both sides. Her 'cheating' is just one small indicator of that dynamic.

 

Accepting the real can be a healthy thing.

[suddendumpee]

For the record, her roommate is one of the sweetest girls I have ever met. Comes from a good loving family and is COMMITTED and truly in love with her fiance who she has been dating for 3 years. She is far from a manipulative bitch.

[suddendumpee]

Attempting to read between the line forestalls healing and growth. Your ex lives in another state and is dating another man. EOS.

 

Her current man lives in another state too, so distance obviously is not her issue. Thanks for your input though. I always appreciate your views.

[DarkAngel7]

Of course this is the break up section, so I shouldn't be surprised but....some people are so JADED!

I read so many posts, where it is just sooo negative. I don't look at people or life that way. I think if you really love each other, and are both willing to change whatever was messed up in the first place than you always have a chance at getting back together. I don't believe the "ex for a reason" thing for every situation.

I am no expert, but I am putting myself in her shoes. For me to do all of that, I would have to really regret my decision. Of course she wont come out right away and be straight forward about it...rejection is very scary for most people. The fact that you have been so strong about it probably makes her think you don't feel the same way anymore. It is good that she is reaching out though, it really is because you will see how dedicated she is. If she keeps going, she may say more and more and you will be able to see how genuine it is.

[GreenPolicy]

Strange, I don't get that impression at all. Every time I have seen a girl leave a guy like this, they paint them black. "hes no good in bed", "I dont love him anymore", etc. to all their friends. It would take some serious regret for a girl to own her actions and spill like that to her girl friend. Not something I could see her doing if she was just cake eating. I guess its totally possible that this friend of hers is a total manipulative bitch too, but I think OP would know this or not.

 

I don't see anything in here that suggests she wants to get back together with OP. Second-guessing a decision to leave him, even regretting leaving him, is not the same thing as wanting to get back together. And honestly, I don't know why OP would want to get back together with somebody who at the very least cheated on him emotionally, if not physically, and left him for somebody else.

 

Deep down she knows that OP was a great boyfriend to her and treated her right, and she repaid him for that by cheating on him and leaving him for somebody else. Deep down she knows what she did is weak and lacking in integrity, and being friendly with OP and making sure he's okay is her way of feeling better about herself and her decision to totally f*ck him over. It's all about her and has nothing to do with any regard for OP and his feelings.

[GreenPolicy]

Also, it's your life OP, but in your shoes, somebody who cheated on me and left me for somebody else deserves nothing but NC. Eff Her.

[timchambo]

I don't see anything in here that suggests she wants to get back together with OP. Second-guessing a decision to leave him, even regretting leaving him, is not the same thing as wanting to get back together. And honestly, I don't know why OP would want to get back together with somebody who at the very least cheated on him emotionally, if not physically, and left him for somebody else.

 

Deep down she knows that OP was a great boyfriend to her and treated her right, and she repaid him for that by cheating on him and leaving him for somebody else. Deep down she knows what she did is weak and lacking in integrity, and being friendly with OP and making sure he's okay is her way of feeling better about herself and her decision to totally f*ck him over. It's all about her and has nothing to do with any regard for OP and his feelings.

 

true. After re-reading the story I agree there is nothing in there about trying to reconcile. Based on her initiating contact after the dinner, it seems that it is her desire to at some point reconcile, but her current situation combined with her pride are in the way. As far as taking her back at some point that would be up to him. If he is happy now, why change anything.

[2011]

Hi

 

Read all the posts and sorry to hear this happened. It sounds like she had a serious case of GIGS, a lot of people do that and sometimes it actually helps them to see the mistake they are making, some people float from person to person not caring or looking back but some make a genuine mistake and it is up to you to find out from her if that is the case. If she doesn't readily tell you then she is maybe having conflicting interests still.

 

So be wary as she may do it again, maybe not, maybe she is still interested. It must have been a shocker to hear she was with someone else, I have yet to officially find this out with my EX but I think it was true given her sudden change of mind and always talking about her "friend" and all the things they done together.

 

I wish them well for the future!

 

2011

[suddendumpee]

Thanks everyone. No female opinions yet?

[Rose T]

*waves delicate female hand* will I do? lol!

 

Hi suddendumpee, I've been following your threads for a few months, I have to say the fact that your ex was all over you is complete kudos to yourself for handling the break-up with class. Good for you, whatever happens you've definitively got your mojo back as far as this girl is concerned. Now to the nitty-gritty.

 

 

Her current man lives in another state too, so distance obviously is not her issue. Thanks for your input though. I always appreciate your views.

 

So your ex is currently seeing someone? sorry, I didn't pick this up from your original post... I'm a bit tired today and may have missed that. Right, well, let's take your ex as a brand-new girl you've just met and like. She has a guy (LDR) and she's flirting with you? huge red flag! You also know that she cheated on her last boyfriend before that? (hmm, that was you, so you have a unique insight into her behaviour last time round). I see a girl who likes being in relationships, likes attention, likes to be liked - all from what you've said - and those qualities, along with a tendency to cheat, are not very promising.

 

The bottom line is, I suppose, even if you got back together, could you trust her in an LDR? Even if you weren't long distance, after the initial euphoria wears off, where would you be? happy and completely trusting, or wary again, waiting to get hurt?

 

I know you want us to interpret her behaviour, I think she does miss having your attention, that's sincere, but what that really means for you is unclear. Yes, she might quite like to have you as back-up if her current relationship is boring her. But what kind of position is that for you to be in?

 

Here on LS we're much more interested in suddendumpee's happiness so I would probably say this, from the heart: keep looking, you can do better.

[Movingthrough]

Personally when i read this i see a girl that likes attention. I don't think she is dumb or anything but she knows whats going on. I hate to sound sexist or bitter from my breakup but i cannot stand that whole "She wonders why she did that" stuff. You did it because you wanted too, and now you are going back to a guy that you know you messed up with.

 

I will agree with sudden though that she seems to have "matured" a bit in her actions and mannerisms. None of the time was weird or out of hand so that to me says a lot about you two, keeping it mature is not always easy. I can tell you right now if my ex called and said lets do lunch, there is no way on the planet i would or to be honest, could.

 

A lot of growth for sudden you can tell from all the posts, but i think she is someone that is going to want to keep you around for her guilt, i would not answer her again unless it was for work, because in all reality you will not get anything out of it, plus even if you did, you would never trust her again with her actions.

 

My ex was dating a guy right after me but telling me she missed me and to not let her out of my life.....yet she was not single, how could i ever trust that?

 

Overall, good job on taking the high road every time, it must feel great to know she realizes her mistake.

[suddendumpee]

As an update. Her and her roommate have continued texting me. Today her roomate asked how I was feeling, about my future vacation plans, and said "I hope we get to see you sooner than a year!" in my response to my "see you next year!" text to her this weekend.

 

The ex texted me today seeking my advice on an upcoming job interview, which I believe means she still respects me and values my opinions.

 

Anyway, as I've said, I believe we will stay in Limbo until I give her even the SLIGHTEST hint that I may still have interest. I was considering this message to show her that I noticed a change in her which I liked:

 

"I could be mistaken, but last weekend I felt like I was in the presence of the down-to-earth, driven, sweet girl that I met about this time 1 year ago vs. the somewhat out-of-control, party girl version. Maybe it was a fluke. Regardless, it was nice. I liked that girl. ;)"

 

I think this may dispel a little of her fear and hesitation without directly expressing that I'm expecting another shot at this. Maybe she will start to open up a bit more. Thoughts?

 

And to those who are asking would I ever trust her again? Who knows. That's up to her. But this is what I do know:

 

I've been in her exact shoes before. I once dated a girl at a time where I was very unsure of myself, and simply not ready to settle down. I thought I needed to do more. After leaving and experiencing more, I came to the realization that I had everything I had ever wanted. I tried hard to get this girl back, but I was too late, and she was too hurt. I believe sometime "sowing your wild oats" is what teaches you what you need/want in a long-term relationship. I do not believe things are as black and white as "they are exes for a reason", "she left, so why take her back?" I know people who did this same thing when push came to shove for commitment, one person bailed, realized it was a mistake...not they have been happily married with kids for many years.

 

These things happen. I have grown and am quite happy being single. I have been living my own life and doing my own things and elevated myself above a very down period through strict NC. But I did love this girl. And that never goes away. I believe in 2nd chances, but no more than that. "Fool me once....

[Movingthrough]

These things happen. I have grown and am quite happy being single. I have been living my own life and doing my own things and elevated myself above a very down period through strict NC. But I did love this girl. And that never goes away. I believe in 2nd chances, but no more than that. "Fool me once....

 

Iam pretty black and white but i also believe in what you are saying, i do think people can change and things can work out in the long run. The problem is there was some reason there she went with another guy, if she was so in love with you she never would have left.

 

On the flip side i do think people can have a "oh sh*t" moment and realize they messed up. IMO i dont think she wants to get back together, i think the feelings as an attraction are still there but this whole easing in thing she is doing is just to be cool with you i think. I really dont mean that in a negative "oh here we go" type of thing but her backround with lying and cheating is just not good.

 

I think you are in a good spot but i would freeze her out a bit and let her know what it feels like to not be in control. She knows you will answer her texts every time but has she always answered yours? I dont mean that in a smartass way just wondering.

 

Your my boy sudden! I gotta look out for ya.