Questions about No Contact

[euroguy1212]

I made a longer thread here but since no one is responding, probably due to length, I have some questions.

 

Basically, on the second day of No Contact, my ex contacted me saying she sent my picture back because she couldn't keep it any longer. However, she also said she still misses me and thinks about me every second . . . with the caveat that she doesn't want to me to speak to her ever again because I broke her heart.

 

I wonder if I did the right thing. We've had an on-again/off-again relationship for the last year, although this time it seems final.

[drummerprince81]

Thats a tough one!!! She thinks about you every second BUT doesn't want to speak to you...you might just have to let the dust settle on this one for a while - let her cool down. What are the reasons that you are always on and off?

[screwedup&regretful]

My ex told me in February and again in April that she never wanted to speak to me again either. So far, she's stuck to her guns. I hope it works out for you, but I think it all depends on them opening up to the idea that a future with you could outweigh the risk of being hurt again.

[Valedico]

well, when my ex gf broke up with me she did exactly the same she would text me saying she misses me constantly but doesent want anything to do with me because i broke her heart aswell..

 

Fast forward 4 months later...she eventualy stopped texting me and turned cold and angry i havent heard from her in ten days. See what happen is they miss you the first few weeks or month after a break up we are all just human, like she said to me "Ofcourse i miss you i cant just NOT miss you anymore in 2 days im not a robot" but then they start to heal and the sadness turns in to anger and in my case now she wants NOTHING to do with me anymore.

 

I broke my heart and her heart at the same time, i cant be angry at her i am only angry at myself, i wouldnt wish this constant feeling of guilt or hurt upon my worst enemy. Hope things turn out better for you.

[euroguy1212]

Thanks for your responses.

 

As I said in my longer thread, she just recently said she felt like a "whore" for flirting with other men and that she didn't deserve me. She admitted she didn't go all the way. Last night, she went on a group date with her friend and another man.

 

I don't think anything happen as she just described it as "hanging out" on her MySpace when she got home, but yesterday, she also said she was heartbroken and then later that she wasn't going to be upset over boys.

 

I did this because I told her I didn't want to be her friend, that I loved her more. Before we separated, I told her in a private blog post that I was doing this to improve, that it was my fault the relationship ended like it did (since I stalked her/read private convos from the beginning of our relationship, which pushed her to flirt with other men) and that I will always love her. I told her I didn't want to see her with another man since it was my fault to begin with.

 

I do want her back, but I want to overcome my own hang-ups as well. I want to be a better man.

 

Just a week ago, before I initiated no contact, she sent me a card in the mail saying she wanted to improve. But after a brief argument, said "feelings change".

 

As an aside, though, she has my mother on her MySpace. She hasn't deleted her. I have since deleted my own account, however, which was the act that initiated the No Contact.

[euroguy1212]

Thats a tough one!!! She thinks about you every second BUT doesn't want to speak to you...you might just have to let the dust settle on this one for a while - let her cool down. What are the reasons that you are always on and off?

 

Fighting over stupid things, to be honest. And she always takes me back in the end. I just want to end that entire cycle altogether.

[euroguy1212]

Now I'm wondering if I should get rid of my fitness blog, where I post my exercise routines and stats for the day/week since that's where she posted her comment mentioned in the first post. Ugh.

 

Update: I wrote this to her instead, no more, no less, as a response on my blog, regarding her sending my picture back:

 

Thank you for taking care of it for me for so long. I promise you I will not destroy it.

 

I didn't want to crush her heart, but I wanted her to feel some loss, too. What do you think?

 

(As for the promise not to destroy the picture, I have threatened that in the past. That's why I made the promise.)

[euroguy1212]

She just replied, "Meh, whatever." After she told she didn't want me to contact her, but still thinks about me every second of every day. I'm sure she'll check tomorrow and I didn't respond to her either.

 

I noticed when I checked her MySpace through my mom's account that her quote says that what is meant to be will find its way. This was her quote while she was waffling and it still seems to be there.

 

I signed on to AIM invisible and noticed she was online for three hours also. Thing is, usually when my ex is uberly pissed at me, she blocks me on AIM. But I wasn't blocked. It almost seemed like she was waiting for me.

 

Thoughts?

[boogieboy]

Dood, you broke up with her and reconnected too many times. If she initiated and admitted that she was searching for your replacement, youre done. DONE! Leave her alone, shes trying to hurt you the way you hurt her by putting stuff on her myspace that she thinks you will read. Ill give you a thread to read that will be your situation.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2227189&postcount=1

 

This is what happens when a woman loses love for you, and you get back with her. Count your losses, dont get back with her just becuse youre in a remote location. Unless you want to be hurt again.

[Island Girl]

I told her in a private blog post that I was doing this to improve, that it was my fault the relationship ended like it did (since I stalked her/read private convos from the beginning of our relationship, which pushed her to flirt with other men) and that I will always love her. I told her I didn't want to see her with another man since it was my fault to begin with.

 

I am sorry to have to tell you but she has lost all respect for you.

 

Stalking her or reading private e-mails didn't push her to talk to other guys.

Your insecurity did.

I am pretty sure that you also treated her like a "princess" as well and if she got angry you worried you would lose her.

 

A guy would normally evaluate the situation and if she was mad - but in the wrong - he'd call her on it and would never put up with it. He would walk if necessary.

 

You always have to be willing to walk if you are being treated like crap dude. Once you lose that then there are girls who will push and push to see a backbone - and the things that are done get more and more out of line.

 

I do want her back, but I want to overcome my own hang-ups as well. I want to be a better man.

 

She's your Kryptonite. You'd serve yourself best to work on your insecurities and stay away from her in all ways.

 

 

Now I'm wondering if I should get rid of my fitness blog, where I post my exercise routines and stats for the day/week since that's where she posted her comment mentioned in the first post. Ugh.

 

YES YOU SHOULD.

 

 

Update: I wrote this to her instead, no more, no less, as a response on my blog, regarding her sending my picture back:

 

Mistake contacting her.

 

Bigger mistake saying you are going to honor some promise to her.

 

You are broken up.

 

You are nothing to her and she should be nothing to you.

 

The whole "promise" thing makes you look like (sorry to be blunt) a whipped B*tch.

 

 

 

I didn't want to crush her heart, but I wanted her to feel some loss, too. What do you think?

 

Forget about her heart - crushing it or not.

 

She didn't feel any loss at all - nor would she. She returned the picture. She would only return it if she didn't want to keep it -- and if it was returned electronically she still has it anyway.

 

 

(As for the promise not to destroy the picture, I have threatened that in the past. That's why I made the promise.)

 

 

And by her response she doesn't care.

 

If you are going to work on yourself then you need to work on your insecurities and clingy behavior.

That would do you a whole lot of good.

 

But not with this girl. It is over - let it all go and do not go back.

[euroguy1212]

I have no choice but to move forward then. Thanks for all the advice.

 

Update: I check my site stats each morning. She visited 2 out of 4 of my sites this morning. Wondering if that's a good sign or not?

[Island Girl]

I have no choice but to move forward then. Thanks for all the advice.

 

Update: I check my site stats each morning. She visited 2 out of 4 of my sites this morning. Wondering if that's a good sign or not?

 

She's monitoring you.

 

Keeping tabs on you shows she wants to still be aware of what is going on in your life - ESPECIALLY if there is a move in a positive direction or -- heaven forbid -- find someone new.

 

I always wanted to know that there was no one else -- that I was still primary (even though he wasn't).

I didn't want him(them) but I didn't want anyone else to have all of that eternal devotion either.

Yeah selfish and hypocritical for sure. But true.

 

"You'll fall in love and you'll be screamin' DEMON"

For real. Part of a song -- but too true.

Those girls are out there...don't waste time dealing with Crazy.

[euroguy1212]

She's monitoring you.

 

Keeping tabs on you shows she wants to still be aware of what is going on in your life - ESPECIALLY if there is a move in a positive direction or -- heaven forbid -- find someone new.

 

I always wanted to know that there was no one else -- that I was still primary (even though he wasn't).

I didn't want him(them) but I didn't want anyone else to have all of that eternal devotion either.

Yeah selfish and hypocritical for sure. But true.

 

"You'll fall in love and you'll be screamin' DEMON"

For real. Part of a song -- but too true.

Those girls are out there...don't waste time dealing with Crazy.

 

Thanks for your help.

 

I had heard she said to a friend that while she misses me, the break-up was for the best. And then my stalking was mentioned. Ugh.

 

I would like to think I contributed a lot of work to this relationship. At times, though, I feel like I was the only one getting it to work. My ex doesn't like phones and when I wanted to see her, I had to take long bus trips out to do it (15 hours both ways).

 

I would like to think, though, that if I never did stalk, this relationship would be better. She has called me her "rock" throughout a lot of the relationship as I'm the only one who would talk and help her through stuff. I was just hoping now that her "rock" is gone, she'll miss those conversations.

 

I did make my fitness blog private so only I could read it. The other blog is of no relevance because it is more professional and of no interest to her anyway. Admittedly, I did want to keep some channel of communication open in case she wanted to come back, but I figure if she really wants to talk, she can call or write me an email or letter.

 

There is another site of mine I think she can contact me at, but that's a site I'm trying to make money from, so I don't know if I want to tear that one down.

 

Anyway, I asked my mom not to talk about me to her or to give her details about my life.

[euroguy1212]

Dood, you broke up with her and reconnected too many times. If she initiated and admitted that she was searching for your replacement, youre done. DONE! Leave her alone, shes trying to hurt you the way you hurt her by putting stuff on her myspace that she thinks you will read. Ill give you a thread to read that will be your situation.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2227189&postcount=1

 

This is what happens when a woman loses love for you, and you get back with her. Count your losses, dont get back with her just becuse youre in a remote location. Unless you want to be hurt again.

 

Actually, I think I've already seen a bit of that. After she sent the card, she said we were going to be "special friends" for a while and try to work back toward a relationship. When I asked her what that meant, she wouldn't answer, but tried to really be flirtatious toward me. I asked her if that meant an open relationship, but she didn't answer that either.

 

In her defense, though, she did say that this other guy was just a friend and that she wasn't going to keep me in the "friend zone". It was only after my questioning to her motives that she told me "feelings change" and this new mess. This was only last Tuesday.

[Island Girl]

I would like to think I contributed a lot of work to this relationship. At times, though, I feel like I was the only one getting it to work. My ex doesn't like phones and when I wanted to see her, I had to take long bus trips out to do it (15 hours both ways).

 

For future reference - the effort needs to go both ways. This is an absolute.

 

She doesn't like phones. But you were making 15 hour bus trips 2x to see her to alleviate this.

The least she could do was compromise and talk more on the phone - extend herself - because of it.

 

I would like to think, though, that if I never did stalk, this relationship would be better. She has called me her "rock" throughout a lot of the relationship as I'm the only one who would talk and help her through stuff. I was just hoping now that her "rock" is gone, she'll miss those conversations.

 

When you have a girlfriend you have to watch out for too much shoulder crying - and "rock talk". You aren't one of her girlfriends. You are her MAN.

 

Yes you want her to talk to you about anything. But you do not want her to talk to you as she would one of her girlfriends.

Perhaps boogieboy can help clarify -- or any other guy.

I just know there is a difference. I can't think of how to articulate it.

 

I did make my fitness blog private so only I could read it.

 

Fantastic move. Do not change these things even in a moment of weakness.

 

Admittedly, I did want to keep some channel of communication open in case she wanted to come back, but I figure if she really wants to talk, she can call or write me an email or letter.

 

Yes. Too true. And it better be a hell of a letter. Not just "I miss you", etc.

 

In the meantime you can work on yourself as you say.

 

Anyway, I asked my mom not to talk about me to her or to give her details about my life.

 

Again. Good move although I am not sure why your mom would be communicating with her either. That door should be closed as well.

 

If it is going to remain open then you should tell your mom not to share ANYTHING about you or your life as well.

Tell her to politely change the subject immediately.

[euroguy1212]

For future reference - the effort needs to go both ways. This is an absolute.

 

She doesn't like phones. But you were making 15 hour bus trips 2x to see her to alleviate this.

The least she could do was compromise and talk more on the phone - extend herself - because of it.

 

Once more, in her defense, I've seen her rarely use the phone. Even with her own brother, she would rather text than talk to him on the phone.

 

Although I told her things wouldn't work out early on if she didn't learn to communicate. Honestly, "stalking" was the only way I could know her thoughts. I know I shouldn't have resorted to it, but I was trying to make things work out.

 

When you have a girlfriend you have to watch out for too much shoulder crying - and "rock talk". You aren't one of her girlfriends. You are her MAN.

 

Yes you want her to talk to you about anything. But you do not want her to talk to you as she would one of her girlfriends.

Perhaps boogieboy can help clarify -- or any other guy.

I just know there is a difference. I can't think of how to articulate it.

I did cringe every time I heard her say it. And I made it clear to her every time I'm not one of her "friends". Although I don't know if I showed it.

 

Its hard for me to be mean, but I'm starting to separate that being self-confident doesn't necessarily equate to being mean.

 

Again. Good move although I am not sure why your mom would be communicating with her either. That door should be closed as well.

 

If it is going to remain open then you should tell your mom not to share ANYTHING about you or your life as well.

Tell her to politely change the subject immediately.

That door should be closed, but I know both of them and I know neither of them will close it. But if I had to bet, I would say my girlfriend would be most likely, as she's deleted my family before when she was pissed at me. But for some reason, this time, I doubt she'll close it.

 

And I don't want people to think that when we have separated, its always been over stalking. Its also been over stupid, petty **** -- like this one time, where I merged two topics on my own BBS. One of those topics was one she created. Anyway, it accidentally showed me as the original author and instead of talking to me about it, she wrote a ****ty blog entry for all of her friends to see accusing me of plagiarising and deleted our pictures off her MySpace to punish me. She would also write ****ty poems about me when she was pissed (and very few good ones) and her friends would also know they were about me. However, due to her "integrity as a writer", she could "never" delete them.

 

But then again, she wrote a few nasty ones about her other friends, too. That's the thing about her -- she struggles with communication, but has no problem assassinating the people who love her in her writings.

 

And I honestly don't think things with any guy will work for her. I know my ex. She would rather die than open up.

 

She's still a virgin. I'm the first guy who has ever come CLOSE to doing anything sexually with her.

 

The best I've been able to do so far is take in mind any legitimate complaints so that my relationships in the future can be better.

 

But is there anything I can do to make her feel like she just missed the catch of the century? Because while I'm still uncertain, I do know that email or letter would be a nice ego massager.

 

Update: There is another issue. She did design many of the graphics for my own BBS. Its going to be hard to replace them all since I'm not a graphic artist. Any thoughts?

[Island Girl]

But is there anything I can do to make her feel like she just missed the catch of the century?

 

The truth is living well is the best revenge.

 

Don't pine over her. Don't in any way appear upset or broken up -- even to your mother since you already assume there'll be a breach of trust there.

 

Get on with your self development and living life. Do as much as possible and refocus completely.

 

She did design many of the graphics for my own BBS. Its going to be hard to replace them all since I'm not a graphic artist. Any thoughts?

 

She gave them to you -- she allowed you to use them without copyright before the break up and with no contract that use was limited to the time you were together.

 

Don't do anything about it -- and if she threatens to take you to court over it seek legal advice.

I'd do everything you can to keep them since you like them and that is the least you can do.

 

You paid for them with those many 15 hour bus rides and many hours of listening to her drivel on about her issues and problems.

[euroguy1212]

Thanks for your advice, Island Girl. I'm on my third day in and already I feel empowered. I know feelings will not disappear over night, but I'm beginning to see things could have been much better. I'm even starting to think her issues outweigh my own.

[Island Girl]

Thanks for your advice, Island Girl. I'm on my third day in and already I feel empowered. I know feelings will not disappear over night, but I'm beginning to see things could have been much better. I'm even starting to think her issues outweigh my own.

 

You are welcome.

 

Be aware that there may be "bad" days where you feel a bit down. That is to be expected -- and just be aware when one of those comes up that if you power through it and speak positively to yourself that it goes away -- and as you go there are fewer of these days until there are NONE.

 

I wish you the very best.

[euroguy1212]

I do have a question, of course. The first day I did this, her MySpace status said she was heartbroken. She also said that on my blog. That's where I have questioned the wisdom in this No Contact. Am I to assume if she's really heartbroken, she'll reach out more than she has?

[Island Girl]

I do have a question, of course. The first day I did this, her MySpace status said she was heartbroken. She also said that on my blog. That's where I have questioned the wisdom in this No Contact. Am I to assume if she's really heartbroken, she'll reach out more than she has?

 

After the way she has acted and called you a Stalker to mutual friends -- or people you know -- along with everything else -- after all of those long bus rides so she didn't have to talk on the phone (WTF) because "oh my, she hates it"

DO YOU HONESTLY NOT THINK ALL OF THAT DESERVES A LOT MORE THAN POSTING "HEARTBROKEN" (which isn't even a direct message to YOU necessarily) TO GET YOU BACK??

 

You think that what you have to give can be discarded or picked up at a whim?

That you don't deserve better treatment and a CLEAR apology+some...?!!

 

C'mon guy. You are a MAN after all -- and one who is willing to learn and grow from life experiences.

That is worth quite a lot.

[euroguy1212]

After the way she has acted and called you a Stalker to mutual friends -- or people you know -- along with everything else -- after all of those long bus rides so she didn't have to talk on the phone (WTF) because "oh my, she hates it"

DO YOU HONESTLY NOT THINK ALL OF THAT DESERVES A LOT MORE THAN POSTING "HEARTBROKEN" (which isn't even a direct message to YOU necessarily) TO GET YOU BACK??

 

You think that what you have to give can be discarded or picked up at a whim?

That you don't deserve better treatment and a CLEAR apology+some...?!!

 

C'mon guy. You are a MAN after all -- and one who is willing to learn and grow from life experiences.

That is worth quite a lot.

 

True. Thanks for the bluntness.

 

I talked to my mother about it on a long car ride. My mother doesn't even like the girl and thinks she doesn't deserve me.

 

She more or less dumped me for her "friend" who hasn't been in her life much until recently, when she poisoned her mind against me. The "friend" who set her up on the date with her best friend (the guy). The "friend" who told her to dump me without knowing me. The "friend" who has always tried to control her, but couldn't because I was in the picture.

 

And from what I've heard, her and this new guy are delivering messages through this "friend". They're not even speaking directly to each other! The "friend" is the go-between two of them. He's too stupid to talk to her himself and she hates the phone so much that she won't talk to him. There are no comments between either of them on their MySpaces.

 

And their next date? Another group date with this "friend". LOL.

 

I'm starting to cackle at how miserable she's making herself. Because if she would try just a little harder, even a FRACTION of how hard I did try, she wouldn't need to be miserable.

 

This is going to sound bad, but we do have a bet going on in my family . . . that bet is when she's going to break and contact me. And when her "friend" abandons her again (which I think will be soon, since she wrote a ****ty poem about this "friend" a week ago), I'm sure I'll get a call, email or letter just BEGGING for me back.

 

I don't know what my response will be. But it will probably be akin to: "Oh, so your 'friend' isn't talking to you again?"

 

I'm sorry, I'm being naughty.

[Island Girl]

I'm sorry, I'm being naughty.

 

Oh see, I am waaaay good at being evil.

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd message her that I couldn't understand the tome of her message or even what she meant exactly and that she was going to have to CALL ME instead.

(Hates the phone? Ahhh. So that is the way you will be forced to communicate. And then I see that you CAN call -- then you are expected to do so -- from now on anytime you want possible contact with me.)

 

You wanna see me? I took a 15 mile bus ride to see you. Do you want to see me at least that bad. Then call f'n GREYHOUND and I'll see you in 15 hours.

 

Don't want to do any of that but you really want to see me and talk to me? "People in hell want ice water. That don't mean they get it."

 

 

On second thought -- that isn't evil. It is all justifiable.

[euroguy1212]

Oh see, I am waaaay good at being evil.

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd message her that I couldn't understand the tome of her message or even what she meant exactly and that she was going to have to CALL ME instead.

(Hates the phone? Ahhh. So that is the way you will be forced to communicate. And then I see that you CAN call -- then you are expected to do so -- from now on anytime you want possible contact with me.)

 

You wanna see me? I took a 15 mile bus ride to see you. Do you want to see me at least that bad. Then call f'n GREYHOUND and I'll see you in 15 hours.

 

Don't want to do any of that but you really want to see me and talk to me? "People in hell want ice water. That don't mean they get it."

 

 

On second thought -- that isn't evil. It is all justifiable.

 

I'm going to have to memorize that script. Although by the time she does contact me, I will have given it more thought and might be able to come up something else just as justifiable.

 

I have checked her webpages off and on in moments of weakness, but so far, no contact. When I feel a need to, I mentally rehearse scripts of common arguments we have had and my responses. It makes her less attractive in my eyes and helps me prepare for anything if she does make contact again.

 

I did have the pleasure, though, of signing on to AIM today (invisibly) and noticing she had me unblocked and the entire time she was online, for the first hour or so, she was idle. She's waiting for me. And her moods are all "blank" on MySpace, as they have been ever since she pulled the LJBF card. I know she misses me.

 

This is the thing. Right now, her "friend" is in her life. She has fought since her sophomore year of high school (she's now 19) for her best "friend" to talk to her, ever since she was "replaced". She used me to douche about this so-called "friend". Well, now that I'm not there, who is she going to douche to?

 

It has always been her "friend" controlling her and her controlling me for the last year. And to an extent, her "friend" controlling me through her. Now that I'm out of that "chain of command" or "hierarchy" so to speak, the balance of power has fell back to me. She's going to have no one to "douche" to when she feels betrayed by that "friend" again (and it will happen, her "friend" rarely makes mention of her). She might seek relapse in someone else, but after she finds them all "boring", as she often has, she will want me. And depending upon how she shows that and whether or not I think she's sincere, I may or may not take her back. As I told my sister-in-law, as each day passes, I care less and less about her.

 

This is the other thing. Where she has sought other people, to cheat, its always been because I haven't talked to her for a day or two. She is so unable to control her own emotions that she feels she really needs someone to talk to to do that. I've been the only one she's been able to do that, too. So she's going to need her fix. And she's going to need it soon.

 

And then I'm going to tell her some variation of what you told me to tell her.

Edit: And you know she can't douche about her "friend" to this other guy. That's her "friend's" best friend. God, I love the beauty of all of this!

[boogieboy]

Yes you want her to talk to you about anything. But you do not want her to talk to you as she would one of her girlfriends.

Perhaps boogieboy can help clarify -- or any other guy.

I just know there is a difference. I can't think of how to articulate it.

 

You want her to be able to talk to you about anything--WHILE YOU TWO ARE A COUPLE.

 

After that, you are just a friend. So when she break up with you, and at your point in time, if you two talk, you should only be talking about happy things, or about you two getting back together. Nothing else. No rock talk. Rock talk while youre not together automatically puts you in the freind zone. And if you already did rock talk with her, youre already there.