First day of No Contact -- wondering if I did the right thing

[euroguy1212]

Today has been the first day of No Contact with my ex. And I am wondering if I did the right thing.

 

It started when two weeks ago, she admitted to looking for other men online with the intent of replacing me. I told her I forgave her, since she didn't go "all the way" with any of them, because I knew I was the one who pushed her to do it.

 

I have always loved my girlfriend, but due to issues in my own past with people who have hurt me (mostly religious authorities), have always stalked her and read her comments and emails without her permission. I felt bad every time I did it and eventually would confess.

 

Well, her and her best friend started hanging out again and then that's when she admitted she didn't one to be with me anymore. However, she would often flip-flop and six days ago, even mailed me a card saying she wanted a second chance to begin again.

 

Her friend introduced her to a male friend of her own. He's closer (we're in a long distance relationship) and tonight was their first date (it was a group date with her friend, her friend's boyfriend and this man). I had to act fast.

 

Last night, I deleted my MySpace because I got tired of her waffling. She would change her mind, on the one hand, saying she wanted to be friends and on the other, saying she still loved me. I wrote her an email on our private blog saying that I feared she would like this other man more and that it was my fault that things ended up the way they did. I apologized for what I did, but said I could not be her friend if another man is involved. I did this after I noticed she wrote to another friend she wasn't attracted to me anymore and was hoping things might work out with her friend's friend.

 

Now I don't want people thinking this is all my fault. Despite the things I have done, she has been inconsiderate to me also in the past (i.e. treating me badly after I took long bus trips out to see her) and I had hoped doing this would make her miss me when she couldn't have me.

 

The following afternoon, I noticed she deleted our blog. But when I checked her private MySpace account later through my mother's, I also noticed she was still single (despite my worse fears), that she still had our pictures up and that two of the three status messages that day were related to me (the first said she was heartbroken [before she went to work], the second said she wasn't going to cry over "stupid boys" after work [when I imagined she deleted our blog] and the third said she had fun "hanging out" with her friend and this other guy -- no word was mentioned of a "date"). In fact, I was surprised she still had my mother on her list, as she usually deleted my family whenever we had major arguments.

 

I generally am avoiding her and her pages, but I do have to admit I was encouraged by what happened today. I'm curious if I should continue the "No Contact" for an extended period. I just want her to try to reach a little harder for me. I felt if she would call or email me instead of message me on MySpace, this would help her reach out more and work harder in this relationship, as I don't feel she has. My ex-girlfriend doesn't use phones, but a few days prior, asked me for my number in the event I did decide to disappear.

 

The other thing is that I feel I'm not ready for a relationship due to the stalking, but I don't want to lose her either. I've never loved anyone as much as I do her. I feel if I use the period of No Contact to improve myself, she'll be attracted to the man she once knew. I think that's the major issue. I have changed so much and became so dependent on her that I lost that person.

 

In the meantime, I've been busy working on my several sites, doing my homework and continuing my work out regiment. I want to get out and make more friends, but its kind of hard since I don't have a vehicle and I'm out in the middle of nowhere. But I have been saving up for a car also.

 

I think if I improve more without her, this relationship can last this time. And as I become independent of her, I can be a better person for her, for she's extremely independent (except when it comes to me -- she has become obssessed with me over this last year -- and I am not saying that's a good thing).

 

Any thoughts and opinions? Especially as to when I shold contact her again or let her contact me? I have thought about sending her a 4th of July card a few weeks from now so as to not appear too desperate, but to let her know I'm thinking of her.

[euroguy1212]

She wrote me this this morning:

 

Hey I thought I would leave you a comment since you up and left myspace like my dream said you would. Thanks T.T for breaking my heart.

 

And since your right and you need to leave me alone and never speak to me again; which is kind of stupid if you ask me I sent you your picture back. I find that I can no longer keep it. I do miss you; and I think about you every second of every day. I hope you the best in all that you do and good luck in your new life.

 

What should I do? :/