Casual Dating my Arse...

[BlueHarvest]

What would you LS'ers think if....

 

(here's my story)

 

Relationship talk time. It's 10:30 PM at my apartment. Just got done watching a movie. I talk to her about how we want the relationship to progress. We do the word-dance around the bush and eventually it comes out that she doesn't want to be exclusive. Not only that but she still wants to date me, but she wants to date other guys as well.

 

It's been nearly 7 months of dating her. I thought at the 2 month mark when I first asked her about exclusivity that maybe I was just rushing things. No no...I was completely wrong.

 

Not only that...but I ended up finding out that when I asked that I'd like us to become more emotionally and physically closer in the relationship she stated some interesting stories...

 

*Like the time in High School she was dating 3 guys at once.

*Or how this one guy she put out for turned on her and just ended up making her a number to call. And she said she didn't like feeling that way.

 

 

So we continue to talk about where we think the relationship is going. I ask her why she feels that the relationship can't be exclusive. She says because she feels that our paths for the relationship aren't aligned. She feels that I want to "settle down" (which is true)...and she just wants to have fun, its not her time in her life to settle down. (which feels ironic because I'm 25, she's 24....she still acts like she is in college)

 

So the conversation continues on and eventually she says..."well I can meet you half way...Friend with benefits." Complete shock...

 

It doesn't make any sense. Sure...half you guys might be thinking I've hit the proverbial jackpot. I sure as hell don't feel that way.

 

She likes me, thinks that my emotions and my sensitivity are a great quality (she even stated as such), she thinks we have a special relationship, she even stated that I help inspire her to do things. Yet amongst all these great qualities she doesn't want to be exclusive? It would have been easier for her to say "Hey I don't see this working out, let's just be friends so I can date other people." But this is worse, it feels like "I like you, but not enough to be exclusive with you."

 

And the worse feeling is when she stated that "she became a number to some guy in her past when she put out"...well that's exactly what she is doing to me right now. She's making me a number it feels like.

 

I just don't understand the thinking behind this. She stated "We can have this special relationship between each other, but if I start dating other guys and decide to be exclusive with them I'll tell you because then I would technically be cheating on them so we'll just have to be friends then. But who knows, maybe we'll keep up this relationship and down the road our paths might be changed and we can pick up an exlusivity.

 

I'm not holding my breath for that at this point. But it kind of feels like she is testing the waters still with me...if she feels I'm "Exciting and vibrant" enough to hang out with then she'll go exclusive with me.

 

This all coming from a girl I've known and dated for 7 months (no sex either btw) and from a girl who talks to me on almost a daily basis on how she is talking to god, always asks god for help, and sometimes even believes angels are with her.

 

F*** my life...

 

So now I'm left with a single solution. Turn a girl I've respected and cared about into a friend with benefits and realize there is no caring or desire that will be coming from her...or tell her no thanks and move on and just be friends.

[Tony T]

You seem to want to let her remain in control.

 

This is an easy one. Go along completely with her dating around and don't talk one bit more about exclusivity. Meantime, contact her less and less...go out with her less and less. If she asks, simply tell her you've met some others that you are interested in dating. You've GOT to let her know she's not your only game. As long as she knows you care more she has total control. Once you pull away and show her there are other fish in the sea, she will come running.

 

Meanwhile, she's playing you like a fiddle.

[Sam Spade]

Yeah, you pretty much have two options: dump her on the spot, or go with the fwb scenario (but for real! no soft sentimental stuff here - bam, wham, thank you maam). In any case, stop any relationship talks. She's telling you she doesn't like you, but she'd still bump uglies with you. And you want to turn that down - foolish, foolish man .

But, if you can't handle that, better to move on.

[BlueHarvest]

You seem to want to let her remain in control.

 

This is an easy one. Go along completely with her dating around and don't talk one bit more about exclusivity. Meantime, contact her less and less...go out with her less and less. If she asks, simply tell her you've met some others that you are interested in dating. You've GOT to let her know she's not your only game. As long as she knows you care more she has total control. Once you pull away and show her there are other fish in the sea, she will come running.

 

Meanwhile, she's playing you like a fiddle.

 

Isn't this kind of sad? I mean, this is ridiculous...you would think at 7 Months into seeing someone you would be past this bull**** by now wouldn't you?

[Chinook]

Isn't this kind of sad? I mean, this is ridiculous...you would think at 7 Months into seeing someone you would be past this bull**** by now wouldn't you?

Yep, you would think that... but clearly she isn't past it. So as already advised, you either continue as a booty call or you cut your losses. Or you can take Tony's advice and call her bluff on this. Also, you might want to get a copy of "The Rules" because it sounds to me like she's playing you by this stupid female book.

[Chinook]

Actually scrap that last post. I just took a walk through your old threads. She's taking the mickey mate. She's stringing you along for as long as she can without you placing any pressure on her. She's not interested in a long-term relationship with you. You need to consider ending the relationship.

[westernxer]

Isn't this kind of sad? I mean, this is ridiculous...you would think at 7 Months into seeing someone you would be past this bull**** by now wouldn't you?

 

Apparently not.

[BlueHarvest]

Actually scrap that last post. I just took a walk through your old threads. She's taking the mickey mate. She's stringing you along for as long as she can without you placing any pressure on her. She's not interested in a long-term relationship with you. You need to consider ending the relationship.

 

Care to elaborate on this? String me along? For what purpose? People who string others along don't usually agree to be FWB...they find another excuse to keep the status quo.

 

And what pressure ? Am I supposed to put pressure on her? Or not?

 

Also: I know you said to scrap your last post...but care to explain the gist of "The Rules" and things I should look for in the future that might give me insight as to when a woman is following the advice from that book?

[Chinook]

Care to elaborate on this? String me along? For what purpose? People who string others along don't usually agree to be FWB...they find another excuse to keep the status quo.

 

And what pressure ? Am I supposed to put pressure on her? Or not?

 

1) The scenario Tony mentioned would place her under pressure because it would call her bluff on where things are going.

 

2) You have been asking 'where is this relationship going?' since January... that's what I mean about stringing you along. She has come up with the thing time and time again of 'well lets just see where it's going' in order to maintain the status quo. In this last exchange she has now offered FWB situation to you... that to me implies either that she expects you to want sex and she's okay with that, but she still doesn't want a full on exclusive relationship. This means that it will STILL maintain the status quo, except you're offered the sex which she perceives you want. For what it's worth, in my opinion a FWB situation would be a consolation, a downgrade. I personally would tell her to stuff it.

[Hi.P.O'Crit]

...People who string others along don't usually agree to be FWB...they find another excuse to keep the status quo.

 

They do if she needs the ego boost and can tell you're ready to fish or cut bait. So she throws a little incentive to keep you around till something better comes along.

[JustLooking123]

Wow, sounds like she has some issues. And/or just isn't that into you. If I were you, I would either totally cut things off and move on, or go along with her suggestion of FWB, while dating other women and working on emotionally separating myself from her. This is never going to go anywhere long-term, I'm afraid. Nowhere healthy, at least.

[dreamergrl]

What's to think about? She wants to drag you along like a little dog. She wants to find someone else, but doesn't want to be alone in the mean time. Dump her flakey butt.

[BCCA]

It's funny how people will complain about what someone did to them, how cruel it was, and how the didn't like how they felt...and then they do the exact same thing to you.

 

I agree, she's stringing you along. It sucks man, but Tony's advice is spot on. Either that, or just completely kick her to the curb. 7 months is a long time for this, sorry dude.

[Trialbyfire]

She's emotionally messed up Blueharvest. She's the type of girl who needs to be denigrated or abused, to feel loved. Somewhere deep inside of her, she doesn't feel she's worthy of a healthy relationship.

 

Run away!

[paddington bear]

I'm sorry...I know you have feelings for this girl and it's hard to hear some complete stranger say bad things about someone you care about. But she simply doesn't sound like a nice person at all. She may tell you all sorts of nice things, but what she came out and told you AFTER 7 MONTHS was cruel and selfish and hurtful. Selfish selfish little prima donna

 

"We can have this special relationship between each other, but if I start dating other guys and decide to be exclusive with them I'll tell you because then I would technically be cheating on them" - how come she's not technically cheating on you by dating others? She's worried about the feelings about some other man that she hasn't even met yet, but is happy to trample all over yours.

 

" so we'll just have to be friends then" - yes, you just hang around waiting until she decides to get exclusive with someone else and then you'll know where you stand because she'll tell you that she wants to be friends

 

"But who knows, maybe we'll keep up this relationship and down the road our paths might be changed and we can pick up an exlusivity." - I'm going to do what I like, when I like and I don't give a s**t about how that makes you feel, when I'm ready again (which may be never) I'll just call you up again and we can pick up where we left off, because you're a loser who will simply hang around and wait for me to decide.

 

This kind of behaviour makes me soooo angry this is why decent guys like yourselves become mistrustful of women and then are wary of our motives later down the line. Ditch her and find someone who values you and doesn't play silly immature little games with you.

[refurb]

So we continue to talk about where we think the relationship is going. I ask her why she feels that the relationship can't be exclusive. She says because she feels that our paths for the relationship aren't aligned. She feels that I want to "settle down" (which is true)...and she just wants to have fun, its not her time in her life to settle down. (which feels ironic because I'm 25, she's 24....she still acts like she is in college)

 

You're lucky she's willing to be up front with you.

 

The age difference (or lack there of) has no bearing on the relationship. There are people in their mid-30s who don't want to settle down.

 

It might not be clear from where you're standing, but it's crystal clear on my end: you aren't a match.

 

Tell her if she's not interested in being exclusive, then you'll be pursuing other people. Don't let her have her cake and eat it too.

 

RF

[WhyYesThankYou]

I realise my position on this is probably not going to make me hugely popular here, but it's an open discussion, so...

 

I am that girl. Well, not that girl, not exactly the same one he's dating. But the situation is familiar, her approach to dating/relationships sounds similar to mine, and the conversation as described reads like a transcript of what happened with me and my recent ex.

 

I just don't want to have an exclusive relationship with anyone. Haven't completely ruled out the possibility, but am not expecting it to happen, ever. I'd be very surprised if it did. So, I date, and I have relationships, and sometimes they overlap, and that's okay with me.

 

I'm very fortunate to have a long-term partner who understands this and is okay with it. So while he doesn't have (or hasn't had) any other partners while we've been together, I've dated other people, and that's been okay between us.

 

But with the guy I dated recently, it just didn't work. He was very monogamy-minded, and wasn't okay with my being with someone else. So we ended it.

 

I just don't like to see the girl being vilified here. I totally support BlueHarvest and I know you must be frustrated/upset by this not working out the way you'd like. But - more broadly speaking - I think the people posting here are judging the situation and the girl from a very monogamy-centric point of view. It sounds like she's not a "monogamous" person, or doesn't have exclusivity as a goal at the moment (or at least with BlueHarvest). She's being upfront about it, she's not mucking him around, and it sounds like she's trying to treat her current and future partners with respect. Her approach may not be palatable to everyone, but I don't think she sounds like an evil witch.

 

BlueHarvest, if you guys want different types of relationships, it's up to you to decide if you want to take up one of the options on the table. But I think my ex would tell you that sticking around and trying to be with someone you want to be exclusive with is painful, frustrating, and generally very very crap.

[ruggy]

I realise my position on this is probably not going to make me hugely popular here, but it's an open discussion, so...

 

I am that girl. Well, not that girl, not exactly the same one he's dating. But the situation is familiar, her approach to dating/relationships sounds similar to mine, and the conversation as described reads like a transcript of what happened with me and my recent ex.

 

I just don't want to have an exclusive relationship with anyone. Haven't completely ruled out the possibility, but am not expecting it to happen, ever. I'd be very surprised if it did. So, I date, and I have relationships, and sometimes they overlap, and that's okay with me.

 

I'm very fortunate to have a long-term partner who understands this and is okay with it. So while he doesn't have (or hasn't had) any other partners while we've been together, I've dated other people, and that's been okay between us.

 

But with the guy I dated recently, it just didn't work. He was very monogamy-minded, and wasn't okay with my being with someone else. So we ended it.

 

I just don't like to see the girl being vilified here. I totally support BlueHarvest and I know you must be frustrated/upset by this not working out the way you'd like. But - more broadly speaking - I think the people posting here are judging the situation and the girl from a very monogamy-centric point of view. It sounds like she's not a "monogamous" person, or doesn't have exclusivity as a goal at the moment (or at least with BlueHarvest). She's being upfront about it, she's not mucking him around, and it sounds like she's trying to treat her current and future partners with respect. Her approach may not be palatable to everyone, but I don't think she sounds like an evil witch.

 

BlueHarvest, if you guys want different types of relationships, it's up to you to decide if you want to take up one of the options on the table. But I think my ex would tell you that sticking around and trying to be with someone you want to be exclusive with is painful, frustrating, and generally very very crap.

 

 

 

So, basically Samantha from Sex and The City. That's rich. You do know SATC is just fiction and that all those women are, in their real lives, MARRIED or in a relationship? Some women....

 

 

Back to the OP. You've been with here for seven months and no sexual intimacy? It seems she just sees you as a friend and nothing more. I would break off contact and see what happens. Contrary to what some women believe, it is a TWO person relationship where both have to be happy, not just content.

[WhyYesThankYou]

So, basically Samantha from Sex and The City. That's rich.

 

Sigh.

 

That was exactly my point with my last post. No, NOT like Samantha from SATC. I've been with my long-term partner for several years now. Samantha didn't have a primary partner while she was running around with a different guy every episode. She was just out for sexual fun.

 

I'm not running around sport-humping. I just think that with over 6 billion people on the planet, it seems a little silly to want to be with only one of them in a relationship. I realise that's a minority point of view, and I'm not monogamy-bashing. I'm on this forum, and I participate in the conversations respecting that other people are coming from a monogamous point of view. I'm just different.

 

 

Back to the OP. You've been with here for seven months and no sexual intimacy? It seems she just sees you as a friend and nothing more.

 

So you acknowledge that neither I nor the other girl are actually Samantha. Maybe they haven't had sex because she actually does care about a meaningful relationship with him. She isn't just after a lay.

[ruggy]

 

 

 

So you acknowledge that neither I nor the other girl are actually Samantha. Maybe they haven't had sex because she actually does care about a meaningful relationship with him. She isn't just after a lay.

 

 

Not sure on the last part. Seven months and no intimacy, there is something wrong. Unless they are both virgins waiting until marriage. Two or three months, depending on how often you see eachother, with no sexual intimacy is a bit weird. Though, in my experience, when you bring the relationship question up, it usually becomes the beginning of the end of it. I did that in a few relationships ago, and it basically died that day. Damn shame, but it is what it unfortunately is. I do not bring it up in relationships after the fact. Its may be viewed as a sign of weakness from the woman's POV I am told. Shows you are waiting for her, giving her all the control. But, seven months, geesh. There's a problem right there.

[BlueHarvest]

I realise my position on this is probably not going to make me hugely popular here, but it's an open discussion, so...

 

I am that girl. Well, not that girl, not exactly the same one he's dating. But the situation is familiar, her approach to dating/relationships sounds similar to mine, and the conversation as described reads like a transcript of what happened with me and my recent ex.

 

I just don't want to have an exclusive relationship with anyone. Haven't completely ruled out the possibility, but am not expecting it to happen, ever. I'd be very surprised if it did. So, I date, and I have relationships, and sometimes they overlap, and that's okay with me.

 

Completely Understandable. That is your life-style choice.

 

I'm very fortunate to have a long-term partner who understands this and is okay with it. So while he doesn't have (or hasn't had) any other partners while we've been together, I've dated other people, and that's been okay between us.

 

Are you sure he's ok with it? Having someone is better then having noone in most situations. He doesn't have any more options at the moment. You do. I guarantee you if a girl came on to him that enjoyed his company alot and wanted to be exclusive with him, he would drop you faster then a hot brick.

 

But with the guy I dated recently, it just didn't work. He was very monogamy-minded, and wasn't okay with my being with someone else. So we ended it.

 

I just don't like to see the girl being vilified here. I totally support BlueHarvest and I know you must be frustrated/upset by this not working out the way you'd like. But - more broadly speaking - I think the people posting here are judging the situation and the girl from a very monogamy-centric point of view. It sounds like she's not a "monogamous" person, or doesn't have exclusivity as a goal at the moment (or at least with BlueHarvest). She's being upfront about it, she's not mucking him around, and it sounds like she's trying to treat her current and future partners with respect. Her approach may not be palatable to everyone, but I don't think she sounds like an evil witch.

 

Gonna disagree here. She wasn't up front about it. 2 months in I asked to move the relationship foward. She didn't say "I want to date others as well" SHE SAID: "Let's keep it simple and open and see where it goes."

 

Metaphors and proverbial beating around the bush don't cut it in relationships. Yes I'm glad she told me the other night but it would have been nice back at 2 months so I wouldn't be as attached as I am now.

 

I just got off the phone with her a little while ago. We talked a little more. She said that the reason she doesn't want to be exclusive is...

 

(her words) "because if you go exclusive with someone and fall in love with them, you will never know how a relationship/marriage is supposed to go, you won't have enough experience to know what to do and not do"

 

Would you consider that statement valid? Perhaps. One could say the same thing about having children though. And every parent will tell you that raising children is a learning experience in itself. Just because you have never experienced it before doesn't mean you can't learn while doing it.

 

She feels that by dating alot of people she will get enough experience to have a happy relationship. Even dating multiple people at one time. I told her, "But don't you think it's hard to form a close bond with people if you aren't monogmous?"

 

She didn't even know the true meaning of the word. She said "monagmy is about marriage". I replied "No, monogmay just means one partner" and she went on to say that of course she wouldn't tell her other "dates" that they were dating ( like if she and two of her guys she was seeing met, she would just call them a friend).

 

I learned that she likes to go out more with small groups of people, sometimes to bars, but ultimately she feels that it's *NECESSARY*...not what she wants to do but because (again her words) "It's something people our age do."

[WhyYesThankYou]

Seven months and no intimacy, there is something wrong. ... Two or three months, depending on how often you see eachother, with no sexual intimacy is a bit weird.

 

I had assumed that they'd done something physical, but maybe not "gone all the way." I guessed if she was offering FWB that they must've done something she liked; if she just wanted to be platonic friends, I don't think she'd mention FWB.

 

I guess I was projecting a bit. With that ex I mentioned, we were dating for nearly a year, but never actually had sex because he didn't want us to have sex as long as I was with someone else. (Fair enough.) There were certainly other forms of physical intimacy - just not "that."

 

Hey OP, what've you done with the girl? Inquiring minds need to know!

 

Its may be viewed as a sign of weakness from the woman's POV I am told. Shows you are waiting for her, giving her all the control.

 

Interesting - I don't think that applies in all cases. I guess it depends on how it's brought up. It could look weak, or - if the guy asks in a way that shows that he's playing an active role in seeing what's up with the relationship - that could be pretty cool and ballsy.

[ruggy]

I had assumed that they'd done something physical, but maybe not "gone all the way." I guessed if she was offering FWB that they must've done something she liked; if she just wanted to be platonic friends, I don't think she'd mention FWB.

 

I guess I was projecting a bit. With that ex I mentioned, we were dating for nearly a year, but never actually had sex because he didn't want us to have sex as long as I was with someone else. (Fair enough.) There were certainly other forms of physical intimacy - just not "that."

 

Hey OP, what've you done with the girl? Inquiring minds need to know!

 

 

 

Interesting - I don't think that applies in all cases. I guess it depends on how it's brought up. It could look weak, or - if the guy asks in a way that shows that he's playing an active role in seeing what's up with the relationship - that could be pretty cool and ballsy.

 

Depends which woman......

[BlueHarvest]

I had assumed that they'd done something physical, but maybe not "gone all the way." I guessed if she was offering FWB that they must've done something she liked; if she just wanted to be platonic friends, I don't think she'd mention FWB.

 

I guess I was projecting a bit. With that ex I mentioned, we were dating for nearly a year, but never actually had sex because he didn't want us to have sex as long as I was with someone else. (Fair enough.) There were certainly other forms of physical intimacy - just not "that."

 

Hey OP, what've you done with the girl? Inquiring minds need to know!

 

 

 

Interesting - I don't think that applies in all cases. I guess it depends on how it's brought up. It could look weak, or - if the guy asks in a way that shows that he's playing an active role in seeing what's up with the relationship - that could be pretty cool and ballsy.

 

 

Nothing. We've made out. That's it. The other night when she stated the whole FWB thing we made out more heavily and were groping but that's as far as it went because she knew I had to get up in the morning early and even stated as much.

 

 

She stated that in one relationship in college she only made out with a guy *once* in a 2 year relationship. Partly due to her being his first girlfriend....but she stated it was her decision.

 

Honestly, I don't understand her but I'm beginning to think that she's just plain ****ing crazy. I always choose the flakey ones.

 

The biggest issue I'm having is trying to figure out if the FWB statement was made as in a way to keep me baited. Now she'll just find out ways to say she's not in the mood, or busy, or wants to hang out her house, etc. I give it two weeks. I'll go along with the game. I can be non-exclusive. But if nothing happens in two weeks and she still thinks that is fine with me then I'm gone.

 

I told her on the phone about the whole

 

"Don't make someone a priority that makes you an option." And stated that she was a priority in my life, and that it makes it hard to care about someone when you know you are only an option. She didn't really have a good answer to that. She started talking about how that we have two different views on relationships.

 

She is definitely right about that. Funny that it's taken 7 months for me to find out what type of person she is.

[ruggy]

Completely Understandable. That is your life-style choice.

 

 

 

Are you sure he's ok with it? Having someone is better then having noone in most situations. He doesn't have any more options at the moment. You do. I guarantee you if a girl came on to him that enjoyed his company alot and wanted to be exclusive with him, he would drop you faster then a hot brick.

 

 

 

Gonna disagree here. She wasn't up front about it. 2 months in I asked to move the relationship foward. She didn't say "I want to date others as well" SHE SAID: "Let's keep it simple and open and see where it goes."

 

Metaphors and proverbial beating around the bush don't cut it in relationships. Yes I'm glad she told me the other night but it would have been nice back at 2 months so I wouldn't be as attached as I am now.

 

I just got off the phone with her a little while ago. We talked a little more. She said that the reason she doesn't want to be exclusive is...

 

(her words) "because if you go exclusive with someone and fall in love with them, you will never know how a relationship/marriage is supposed to go, you won't have enough experience to know what to do and not do"

 

Would you consider that statement valid? Perhaps. One could say the same thing about having children though. And every parent will tell you that raising children is a learning experience in itself. Just because you have never experienced it before doesn't mean you can't learn while doing it.

 

She feels that by dating alot of people she will get enough experience to have a happy relationship. Even dating multiple people at one time. I told her, "But don't you think it's hard to form a close bond with people if you aren't monogmous?"

 

She didn't even know the true meaning of the word. She said "monagmy is about marriage". I replied "No, monogmay just means one partner" and she went on to say that of course she wouldn't tell her other "dates" that they were dating ( like if she and two of her guys she was seeing met, she would just call them a friend).

 

I learned that she likes to go out more with small groups of people, sometimes to bars, but ultimately she feels that it's *NECESSARY*...not what she wants to do but because (again her words) "It's something people our age do."

 

Sorry bro, sounds like a flaky ditz to me. She's just playing with you. Open relationships can be dangerous. Plus, not to mention the risk of STDs.