Do i keep this baby or do i let go? (need extra heads to me think..)

Around half a year ago i found out that my husband had an affair with a colleague at work (who is also married). Cut story short I was shattered, we have a little girl together, she's barely 4, but i tried to keep a cool head. I did what i thought was the reasonable thing. I discussed with him to find out how deep his feeling was with this other woman, if he's in love, if he wanted me to leave etc. The last thing i wanted was for him to be stuck unhappy with me. I even felt sorry for him because he seemed more crushed than me. He said it was nothing, and he wanted us to be together. Things got so much better after that, he started showing me more attention, i was working on getting the trust back, we exchanged sweet smses like school kids daily. I thought we're healing.

4 days ago, i found out the emails he & the other woman had been sending to each others. it turned out that they never stopped. The words typed spoke louder about how they feel toward each other than anything he said when he tried to convince me otherwise. At first he denied everything, even the ownership fact of his email address. This time the lies are too much, so is the pain. I don't know how to cope yet. I can't seem to stop tears flowing even when i'm doing my house chores, when i wake up in the morning, on my way to work.. i haven't slept much since Monday. But most importantly I'm 10 wks pregnant.

He said he will never leave me, he doesn't want a divorce, he loves me and he wants this baby badly. However he can't promise me that he will not fall again during the future course of our relationship (i know that he still loves her too)

If i think of my daughter's happiness first, and if i think of keeping the baby, setting my feelings aside, toughening up, turning a blind eye and staying is the option. Which also means accepting my husband's terms. Things might turn around one day or it might not.

If i want to leave and bounce back, surviving will be much easier without another baby in tow. My daughter is going to kindy next year, i can continue working & start building my career again, be independent etc.

I have read the pros & cons of abortion, and it's extremely difficult to make up my mind. If you are in my situation what would you do? Doctor says i only have few weeks left if i want to consider termination.

WOW - don't think I've seen anything THIS big here...this is huge.My heart goes out to you~~BIG HUGS.

Honestly, you probably should talk to someone, a pastor, a family member or therapist - & quickly. If he's not going to promise it's not going to happen again - where does that leave you? and with 2 kiddos.

It doesn't sound to me like he was very "broken up about it" if he's continuing & can't make future promises.

stuckinoz is right, this may be too big of a question for this board. But I know you need help and answers, and stuck has good suggestions on who to turn to.

For what it's worth, from one anonymous voice on an internet message board, please consider having the baby.

If you have the abortion you might resent your husband even more and feel even angrier. I'd keep the baby and lose the husband.

despite what's going on with your marriage, your baby can be your biggest blessing. Sure, it's going to be hard, but it'd be equally hard sticking in a marriage he doesn't seem to want, despite what he's said.

before you make any hard decisions, take a good look around you: What kind of support system to you have (emotional, financial, physical, etc)? If you were to leave him while pregnant, do you have friends or family who would hold your hand whenever you need? Do you have someone to step in and help you parent your children when it gets tough being a single parent? I'm hoping that you can answer yes to these questions, because it'll help you see that being divorced and pregnant isn't as hard as it sounds when you have a good support system.

despite what's going on with your marriage, your baby can be your biggest blessing. Sure, it's going to be hard, but it'd be equally hard sticking in a marriage he doesn't seem to want, despite what he's said.

 

before you make any hard decisions, take a good look around you: What kind of support system to you have (emotional, financial, physical, etc)? If you were to leave him while pregnant, do you have friends or family who would hold your hand whenever you need? Do you have someone to step in and help you parent your children when it gets tough being a single parent? I'm hoping that you can answer yes to these questions, because it'll help you see that being divorced and pregnant isn't as hard as it sounds when you have a good support system.

Great post, I absolutely agree.

He said he will never leave me, he doesn't want a divorce, he loves me and he wants this baby badly. However he can't promise me that he will not fall again during the future course of our relationship (i know that he still loves her too)

He has no real interest in fixing the marriage and ending the affair. He is wanting both, to have his cake and eat it too. Problem is, life doesn't work that way! He has to choose, you or her. If he can't choose, you choose for him.

Sure it will be hard to have another baby, but you will have support from friends, family and ofcourse he will still be involved as a co-parent, and help out with $$.

Please go talk to someone, a counsellor, because this decision/choice isn't going to be easy when it comes to having or not having this baby. Don't make any choice until you're feeling more calm and have had time to think (and talk to a professional) about this.

Sorry that your husband is a liar, a cheater and a betrayer.. Hugs..

If you have the abortion you might resent your husband even more and feel even angrier.

another good point ... you may very well feel he's pushed you into doing something against your will, getting an abortion when you didn't want one.

He has no real interest in fixing the marriage and ending the affair. He is wanting both, to have his cake and eat it too. Problem is, life doesn't work that way! He has to choose, you or her. If he can't choose, you choose for him.

Sorry that your husband is a liar, a cheater and a betrayer.. Hugs..

This is a hard time - FOR SURE! But, she could choose to NOT choose. She could just have the child & stay with her husband. Believe it or not there are a lot of women out there that live in this exact scenario. For whatever reason. They choose to stay with an unfaithful husband & make the best of a situation that they feel they can't change. HUGs to you - I hope it all works out for the best.......whichever way it goes.

This is a hard time - FOR SURE! But, she could choose to NOT choose. She could just have the child & stay with her husband

That's still a choice.

Also, why should she stay with her husband when he's more or less told her that he will slip and continue doing what he's doing (cheating)? As much as I'm a strong pusher for couples to stay together, give it their best for the kids sake (both have to put in the effort to make it work) in this situation, her husband isn't really ready to 'see' what the future is going to be like once he wakes up out of his affair fog/fantasy. He's totally into HIMSELF and couldn't give a crap about anyone else. His actions show this.

You're right whichway - no decision is a decision.

I was just making a point - I know several women who know & turn their head at their husbands indiscretions. They stay married for whatever reason knowing what he's doing. Whether it be for the sense of family or financial reasons.

This particular husband does sound like he is into himself & has little or no regard for his family. At least with the women I know - It's not discussed. (with their husbands anyway) I'm not saying this is or isn't the proper way to be married or whether it's right or wrong - It's just a "different way."

you have received some wonderful advice and i hesitate to give my opinion because it isn't going to be taken well, i'm sure. but i have to...as big as this is...i've been there. and i am definitely sending you tons of *hugs* and pray you and your child will be fine in the end.

it's funny, i came on this board with such a stupid problem by comparison and never thought i'd be giving advice but i have to say something.

1. any time someone cheats (man or woman) you can just about guarantee its either not over or it will happen again. often, people who cheat are too selfish to not do it again...if they get away with it once, they'll continue to do it. and, if you'd left him and he set up house with her...chances are good he'd be cheating on her right now. hard pill to swallow but the proof is in the pudding every time and he's shown this proof by continuing contact with her, even spilling words of love to her while supposedly rebuilding his life with you and your daughter. you should be more important but what about your child? he's not thinking of anyone but himself.

2. people say don't have an abortion because you will hurt more for it and resent him more. i agree, but the depth of your hurt and resentment will be there no matter what choice you make. you know that as well as i do. do not make a decision based on what he says he wants or you thinking you might resent him more...its 6 of one, half dozen of the same.

3. definitely look at your support system and get a couple days of intensive counseling before making a firm decision. (a couple days is all you will have to decide on abortion if you are already 10wks along) depending on the counselors views and your comfort with the support group you have in place then maybe keep the baby. BUT DEFINITELY KICK THIS HUSBAND TO THE CURB WHERE HE BELONGS. there is NO excuse for doing it once...most less continuing it while building your hopes and chancing impregnating you. NO EXCUSE. think more of you and your child than to stay with this man. PLEASE.

4. whatever you decide, never, ever give the child up for adoption. i didn't see this in your options of consideration but never ever have a child to give it up for adoption. i know i'll get a lot of flack for this but i'm being real and coming from a very real place of experience on every side of this thing. aborition is tough and you will hurt over it for years to come but adoption is worse because it hurts both you and that child.

5. if you choose to keep the child it will make life tougher no matter how strong your support group...worse yet, that child WILL remind you of the father who made him/her during a time you were giving him a second chance and he hurt you again. unless you are a saint, you will find yourself resenting the child. this happens all the time though most parents can find a way around it to not allow these dark feelings harm the child but it is still something to consider. again, if your support group is strong and you feel you can be a single parent to two children while doing what you want to do with your career then by all means, have the child. but look hard into yourself and do not judge yourself for what comes into your heart and decisions naturally. this is YOUR decision. he lost his vote long ago.

6. and in closing, to be honest, if it was me, i'd have the abortion, take my four year old and start over. i'd get and continue for years getting counseling in order to deal with that. i'd leave this dead beat husband and the child he made with a lie as far in my past as i could in order to create a new life for me and my child. why? because it's my life, my future and life and future of the child i already have. there are too many children in broken home situations as it is...resent him more is not even in question...you will no matter what you choose. but whatever decision you make, be sure to focus on YOUR future and your child(ren)s future. it will take a lot of effort and be exhausting for a long time but make sure you focus on the good you can do for you and your life in moving on to something bigger and better.

DUMP HIM AND DO IT NOW. DO NOT LOOK BACK NO MATTER YOUR CHOICE. YOU WILL BE GLAD YOU DID WHEN IT'S ALL SAID AND DONE.

Wow. This is a biggie. (((((applejuice)))))

I would get an emergency counselling session with a MC AND with an IC. Talk it over honestly from all aspects. This is too big to get anon thoughts from a message board.

(((((applejuice))))

If you have the abortion you might resent your husband even more and feel even angrier.

well, sure. but the same could happen if she has a baby she has to take care of all by herself while her husband is off screwing another woman. i would resent the hell out of that.

a lot of people on these boards are pretty anti-choice, and that's fine, for them. but don't let them tell you what to do with your life, OP. only you can make this decision for yourself. remember back to what it was like when you had a newborn and were barely getting any sleep. did your husband help you then? is it something you feel you can do again, with no guarantee that he'll be around, and with a four-year-old to boot? be REALISTIC, please: if you are alone, can you afford rent and daycare? do you have family that will help?

i'm not saying you should have an abortion, or that you should kick your husband out. i don't think anybody on an internet forum can tell you definitively what to do in this situation. but i will say this: while babies are beautiful and a blessing, they are expensive and HARD, as you know. as one PP said, lots and lots of women have babies in bad situations, and figure it out. that's true. however, it is ALSO true that lots and lots of women struggle with poverty and are unable to spend enough quality time with their older kids because of those same kinds of situations.

your husband isn't being honest with you, that's a huge problem. you need to drop some kind of bomb on him. if i were you, i think i would ask him to leave for a while to give me some space to think...after all, you only have a couple of weeks left in which to make this big decision. look at your finances, talk to your family, if you can. tell your husband you will see him only in the office of a marriage counselor. and go ahead and make an appt with a doctor, since those often take a few weeks to get anyway. get a medical evaluation on this pregnancyand your health, it might swing your decision.

Thank you for your replies and hugs. I really appreciate them all. I hope i will be able to come up with a quick decision through these 'brainstorming' postings.

Quankanne, you are right about support system. Unfortunately that is what i am lacking, that's why i'm here. And that's why my options are very limited. I am alone in this country, i left everything behind to be with him.

I don't see how life will be easier if i am to seek my family support back home. Returning to the 3rd world country where i come from and facing a society full of judgements and traditional values. Also facing the inequality of opportunity between men and women, amongst many other concerns. It will probably be a struggle.

I might resent my husband if i abort yes.. that's a possibility, but will i resent my life and the decision to keep this baby, if i don't have the strength to carry on one day?

Gorilla, skim.. i hear you and i am still soaked in tears.

oh dear ... I didn't realize this last part, that you gave up things to come to this country to be with him ... many, many hugs to you, and know that we'll be your support when you need us, no matter what you decide/what happens, okay?

XXX,

quank

You are in my thoughts, what a hard and difficult position to be in.

AJ, You are facing an enormous decision without the support of a good, honest husband. The abortion is YOUR decision, he should have NO say in it at all. You need to get advice from someone trustworthy (which isn't your H) parents siblings anyone that YOU trust. We at LS will be behind you at all times, giving what help (I know, not much) we can. You can e-mail me any time you would like, I will be here for you , and I will listen, regardless of your decision. Many other posters will also be glad to help you in this time of trouble. .... god bless......., Jack

What a sad situation.

Whatever you decide to do, your first priorities are your four year-old daughter and yourself. (((hugs)))

Apple_juice, I feel so deeply sad for you.

For what it is worth, I will fervently and sincerely pray that whatever decision you come to, you live gladly with, and no regret or associated self-blaming....

Do really, fundamentally what is best for you and you little girl.

I will not say anything either way to influence you with regard to the baby.... I simply pray that whatever solution you reach, you do so with fortitude and serenity.

Truly, I wish you peace and a good way out of this, for you.

let them bathe you anew...all will be well. it will.

Such a tough situation to be in. I don't know what I would do in your position so I can't offer any advice.

But I will certainly pray for you and yours and hope that you make the right decision for you.

((((AJ))))

*Hugs*

This could be a little brother or sister for your daughter. It may seem overwhelming but once he or she is here you will work things out. Thats what I thought when I was faced with being a single mommy to two girls. Now, they represent different sides of me and are wonderful to be around... (mostly)

If I were you I would find somewhere to stay for a little while to be with yourself, belly and your four year old. Sorry this has happened to you.

Personally, I would let him go so that I could find someone to love me as I deserve. I would not believe a word he says from the blatant lies that have been uncovered. Whatever you do please dont be a doormat to this man. You will be teaching your daughter to do the same.

Take care,

Eve xx

Hey Stung, I wanted to clarify something in response to what you said in your post on the previous page. I am 100% pro-choice. I actually feel very strongly about protecting a woman's right to choose and I believe that abortion needs to be an option.

If the OP chooses to terminate the pregnancy I would understand, I just don't feel like it's the best choice based on her post. I believe that ending the pregnancy would further devastate her and slow down her emotional healing. I'm not saying it will be easy but having two young children to care for and love will help her keep going. I feel like with an abortion the OP might feel like she lost a marriage and a child. Right now everything is total chaos, but once the shock diminishes and she's thinking clearly again she might really regret the abortion.

Let's not make this a pro-choice/pro-life debate thread. AJ is a woman from a third-world country, who's moved to marry a man who can't remain faithful. She's got a four year-old to consider and now, the possibility of another child.

No one knows if she's even capable of supporting herself and a four year-old, nvm another child, since she has no familial support system to fall back on.

Plse be careful with your advice.