I ended it and he's not taking well

Well folks. An update.

Of course I acknowledged it wasn't fair to have ambivelant feelings towards my bf, so I delicately broke the news to him.

His reaction=not good. He cried hysterically and was very upset and still is. What bothered me is he got smashed and drove around like that for hours while calling me & texting me numerous times saying he wants to get back together, I destroyed him by ending it, he's nothing without me,etc, etc. I do respond to his contacts and approach him in the utmost delicate and understanding manner. I am concerned for him and we are still friends. What bothers me most he told me he was cotemplating suicide last night. I told him to get help immedietly, but he wont listen.

I feel terrible that he is so much pain and I'm doing what I can to be there as a friend.

Anyway, just an update to those of you who replied to my previous post.

That dude's whack, but he'll get over it (but until then, he should hand in his man card ). You shouldn't have let him get in a car drunk though.

(Also, I haven't read your previous post, but I don't think that being ambivalent is a good enough reason for a break up...)

OP, guys can get emotionally fragile when confronted with getting dumped. It's a real blow to their ego and confidence. There's really no good way to deliver bad news. I read your last thread and think you did the right thing for right now. You may have second thoughts. Do not let those thoughts cause him further suffering. Go NC and let him process his pain alone. Do not try to be "friends". He wants a romantic relationship with you, not a friendship. IMO, there is nothing more emasculating for a man than to be dismissed romantically by a woman he's attracted to and then be asked to become a "friend" on her terms.

he cried hysterically? Really? omg. How old is this guy?

Some guys just go all weird when dealing with this stuff. I was shocked at my best friend's responses when I told him things with my wife and I weren't going so well (as he was helping me move furniture to her new house); it was like he was re-living his ex cleaning his house out while he was at work 25 years ago. This is someone who's seen nearly everything in life and has grandchildren going off to college. I was surprisingly calm, yet shocked. Then he started in on his wife and a new round began. Oy! I felt so bad.

The OP's ex-BF likely could benefit from psychological counseling. It sure helped me process emotional upheavals much better than earlier in my life. I never did things like the OP talked about, but sure cried in my beer a bunch.

OP

I have been around guys like this before, its a desperate plea for attention. Yes he's very hurt, but he's trying to prove you still care about him by leaving his life in your hands in the hopes you will save it and realize you still care about him and live happily.... etc etc. All you can do is refer him to help, the more attention you give him for it the more he's gonna do it, but you can always listen without encouraging the behavior.

P.S. An alternative measure I've used with some dinks who do this to my female friends (drinking and driving is a button for me), I call the cops. At that point he's endangering other, innocent, peoples lives which is unacceptable. But that also allows you the chance to force him to get help by writing up a police report on the incident (using texts/emails) as examples, and they likely will put him on suicide watch and counseling because he's endangering other human lives (as well as his own) based on a phycological condition. It's kinda extreme, but he is too!

Ahh the hysterical crying guy...i have dated a couple of those. My most recent ex was like that- crying over stupid things and acting like a child. Suffice to say it totally killed my mental attraction for him as a person.

I would suggest no contact with someone like this. The more you give in to his needy, attention seeking actions you are fuelling the fire. He wants you back and is using emotional manipulation. I would do as the previous poster suggested- call the cops if you are genuinely worried. But you need to cut him off completely for his own welfare and your mental stability. Believe me, it will only get worse if you give in and talk to him.

Before cutting him off, let a close friend or family member know that you are worried. Then implement NC straight away!

he cried hysterically? Really? omg. How old is this guy?

He's only 21

That dude's whack, but he'll get over it (but until then, he should hand in his man card ). You shouldn't have let him get in a car drunk though.

(Also, I haven't read your previous post, but I don't think that being ambivalent is a good enough reason for a break up...)

I had no idea he was going to get drunk. When I broke up with him, it was over the phone. He was at home. Unfortunetly, I had no way of knowing he was planning on getting bombed and driving.

The next morning I called to make sure he was ok. I warned him about the dangers of dwi. He did not care he said he was hoping to "wake up wrapped around a tree." When I questioned him about other people on the road dying 'cause of him, he said he didn't care. At that point I pointed out what a selfish statement that is!

He wont listen. He did the same thing last night. ANd keeps asking me to get back with him. He is getting worse.

Some guys just go all weird when dealing with this stuff. I was shocked at my best friend's responses when I told him things with my wife and I weren't going so well (as he was helping me move furniture to her new house); it was like he was re-living his ex cleaning his house out while he was at work 25 years ago. This is someone who's seen nearly everything in life and has grandchildren going off to college. I was surprisingly calm, yet shocked. Then he started in on his wife and a new round began. Oy! I felt so bad.

 

The OP's ex-BF likely could benefit from psychological counseling. It sure helped me process emotional upheavals much better than earlier in my life. I never did things like the OP talked about, but sure cried in my beer a bunch.

He has seen a therapist throughout most his life and he is planning on seeing one in the near future.

The next time he calls you drunk and driving, calmly tell him that you are calling the police with his location and car description, because you are worried about him and his safety. If he calls you talking about suicide, then tell him that you are calling your local suicide hotline and reporting him and his location, because you are worried aobut him and his safety.

And then call these professionals. And then don't take his calls.

You may have second thoughts. Do not let those thoughts cause him further suffering. Go NC and let him process his pain alone.

This cannot be emphasized enough. You've made your choice, now stick with it. If you do have second thoughts, they will most likely be out of selfish reasons, and contacting him for nay reason will only make things worse. Check the break up threads and you'll see what i mean. Also, i personally recently experienced an Ex having second thoughts, contacting me with vague proposisions for a second chance etc. Good thing I didn't cave into her bullshet, as it tuenrd out this was pure nostalgia/selfishness. (Well, i guess one positive outcome of this was that seeing that aspect of her personality made it so much easier to forget her, so if that's what you're going for, why not contact him to see "How is he doing" :)). I don't think he'll be able to see through this though, so just leave him alone.

His reaction=not good.

What did you really expect Would you be happy if you got dumped?

He cried hysterically and was very upset and still is.

I like to think of myself as a pretty tough guy, but crying just happens to all of us. I think its really unfair to judge someone based on their reaction to a very emotional situation. OP, not you personally, but to anyone calling this guy whimpy, etc...I would like to see your reaction.

What bothered me is he got smashed and drove around like that for hours while calling me & texting me numerous times saying he wants to get back together, I destroyed him by ending it, he's nothing without me,etc, etc. I do respond to his contacts and approach him in the utmost delicate and understanding manner.

He's just acting stupid because he's upset. We all face our own demons and we all fight them in our own way. I would agree, tell him you're going to call the cops next time he says he's driving drunk. And if he says hes gonna kill himself, call the cops, too, he'll be spending the night in the psych ward. I've called for someone else before, and they take it very seriously, and make sure youre really ok before letting you leave.

I am concerned for him and we are still friends.

No, you're not. You want him to consider you a freind because then you wouldnt feel so bad, but regardless of what he says or what you want, you know whats going to happen. When it finally sinks in that this is done and over with, he's going to hate you for a long while, and then simply not care about you anymore. Sure, maybe someday you guys can catch up, but understand this is going to be years down the line and maybe even never. I do not talk to any ex of mine or consider any of them 'friends'. I havent spoken to many of them since the day it ended. Thats reality. 'Friends' is a pipe dream.

What is the reason for this split, if you dont mind me asking?

What is the reason for this split, if you dont mind me asking?

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t178067/

 

Oh boy...

I'm convinced that I will never begin to understand the female mind. If he doesnt make you happy, then I guess he doesnt make you happy, but it just boggles my mind that you find him perfect, yet need to end things.

Perfection is boring; been there, have that autographed poster

Just to clear things up...

He is the one to contact me. Actually, he just sent me 4 text messages saying he got out of the doc and has an ulcer because of me.

As far as the friends thing goes, we were friends prior to dating. However, I knew him from work. We don't work in the same department, so either way we have to be professional about it. I never date ppl I work with. PLEASE DON'T WASTE TIME AND GIVE ME THE LONG HARANG ABOUT NOT DATING COWORKERS, PPL.

Yes, I did break up with him for reasons I posted prior to this.

Perfection is boring; been there, have that autographed poster

lol. true in some aspects.

It was a bunch of things. Personally, I think the age difference between us played a role. He was too young for me and along with that comes inexperience, insecurities, etc, etc.

Now, some may agree with me, some may not. Either way, that's just how I felt and I did what I felt was the best choice.

Give him a few days to cool down. People generally get really panicky during break-ups and a person being dumped will not always have a rational response to it...at least initially anyway.

If I have a penny for how many "I can't live without you" I've heard during a break-up, only to have the person bounce back just fine weeks later.

These same people that are bashing him for being a wimp are the same ones who will lose their mind if they get dumped.

Cut the guy a break. I don't condone driving drunk or other such destructive behaviors but if he says he's going to kill himself, just tell him "no you won't" and promptly hang up. You can't nurse him through this. He's a big boy, he needs to learn how to deal with such life changes

Give him a few days to cool down. People generally get really panicky during break-ups and a person being dumped will not always have a rational response to it...at least initially anyway.

 

If I have a penny for how many "I can't live without you" I've heard during a break-up, only to have the person bounce back just fine weeks later.

 

These same people that are bashing him for being a wimp are the same ones who will lose their mind if they get dumped.

 

Cut the guy a break. I don't condone driving drunk or other such destructive behaviors but if he says he's going to kill himself, just tell him "no you won't" and promptly hang up. You can't nurse him through this. He's a big boy, he needs to learn how to deal with such life changes

That's True.

we were friends prior to dating

That may be true, but once you start a romantic relationship with someone, there is really no going back. I have a good friend who I think the world of, we're the same age, have the same interests, etc...but I just wouldnt date her because shes such a good friend. Relationships fail more often than not, and friendships, especically good ones, are hard to come by.

I wouldnt give you a bad time for dating someone at work. We all know the deal, but sometimes, it seems like its worth the chance. Anyone harping on you for that has either been burned before or never tried.

How much younger is he than you?

He is 21 and I'm turning 30 soon. Eight -plus year difference.

He is 21 and I'm turning 30 soon. Eight -plus year difference.

Yeah, that can be a big difference. He's really just starting to find himself, and youre looking for someone who knows what they want.

Well folks. An update.

 

Of course I acknowledged it wasn't fair to have ambivelant feelings towards my bf, so I delicately broke the news to him.

 

His reaction=not good. He cried hysterically and was very upset and still is. What bothered me is he got smashed and drove around like that for hours while calling me & texting me numerous times saying he wants to get back together, I destroyed him by ending it, he's nothing without me,etc, etc. I do respond to his contacts and approach him in the utmost delicate and understanding manner. I am concerned for him and we are still friends. What bothers me most he told me he was cotemplating suicide last night. I told him to get help immedietly, but he wont listen.

 

I feel terrible that he is so much pain and I'm doing what I can to be there as a friend.

 

Anyway, just an update to those of you who replied to my previous post.

He can't heal with you around, for the sake of the friendship, you should take some time off.

socialight is right, but I would change the "W". Its on your head if he goes off the edge. You knew he was unstable. If you think he really s that far off the edge, call his parents or if you know the Doc; contact him or her for action.

Amazing.